It was a peaceful time of day, right around noon, when all the ponies sat down for lunch to chat with one another and take a break from the day's labor. You had always been fond of joining in on the practice, usually eating with the other ponies at the outdoor diner just at the edge of town.
You look down at your sandwich and vegetable soup, missing the meat in your diet. It wasn't all bad, though, because even if you didn't have meat, at least you had salt. Pulling a salt shaker out of your blazer, you add a generous helping of the delicious fairy dust to your soup.
You always found it strange how hard it was to get a hold of salt, and you never understood why no one in town cooked with it. You had to look for months just to get a full shaker, eventually having to resort to importing it from the Griffon Kingdom. Now that you had it, though, for the past few days, you hadn't gone a meal without it.
You start slurping up your soup and look up. For the fourth meal in a row, all of the ponies are staring at you. You scrunch up your face and try to avoid eye contact, going back to your soup. Bonbon sits at a nearby table, just shaking her head as if there is no hope. You can't take it anymore.
"Look, alright, what is your problem, people?"
Bonbon frowns slightly.
"We aren't the ones with the problem, Anonymous."
"What are you-"
You are interrupted by a hoof on the shoulder. Turning around, you come face to face with Pinkie Pie.
"W- can I help you, Pinkie?"
Pinkie Pie puts on a somber, comforting smile.
"I think I can. I know what you're going through is tough."
You blink.
"What... I'm going through? What am I going through?"
Twilight Sparkle was soon beside Pinkie, along with the rest of the Elements of Harmony. She nods slowly before speaking
"Salt addiction is a scary thing, Anon. I think I speak for many of us when I say we've been there."
You chuckle nervously.
"What do you mean, addiction? I mean, I might put a bit more salt on my food than the average person, but it's not like I can't stop myself."
Twilight sighs.
"Will you please come with us to my library, Anon? We want to have an intervention."
~
"Look, I keep telling you people, salt isn't even a drug to humans. It's just a mild seasoning."
The mane six surround you, who sat on a chair in the center of the library. Applejack steps forward and puts a comforting hoof on your shoulder.
"An' thats the lie they tell ta' reel ya in. And once you start lickin' the salt, ya can't stop. We've all been there, you."
Pinkie Pie whimpers.
"A-after the first lick, I just kept licking more and more, looking for that first lick all over again. I think I turned to sugar to escape it."
You furrow your brow in annoyance.
"I'm not a druggy. Salt has absolutely no effect on me, I can eat this whole shaker in my pocket right now and the worst that'll happen is I'll get thirsty."
Rarity takes her turn to step out of the circle.
"Anonymous, darling, perhaps it would be best for everyone if you just let us hold on to the salt for you."
"No, you can't have my damn salt! This took me months to get."
"Anon, please, we just want what's best for you."
The ponies start closing in, making their circle smaller as they zero in on you. You could feel the magic in your blazer pocket as Twilight tries to lift the salt away from you.
"I can't believe this. Alright, all of you, back up, I'm going to eat all of this right now and SHOW YOU that there's nothing wrong with it."
You grab the salt from your pocket and begin to twist the cap off. Pinkie Pie drops to the ground, wailing.
"No, Nonnie! I love you!"
Twilight tries her hardest to yank it out of your grasp.
"Anon! Don't do this, come on, just drop it!"
You successfully remove the cap from the shaker and empty the contents into your mouth in one smooth movement. The other ponies stare on in disbelief. After taking a few moments to get over the sheer saltiness, you turn to face the rest of the ponies.
"See? No problem here. It's just a-"
You felt a horrible pain at the back of your head before the lights went out.
~
You awake to the sound of a steady beep. With some effort, you force yourself to sit up and crack open your eyes. The source of the beeping is a heart monitor, and it takes you a moment to register that you are in the Ponyville Hospital. Twilight Sparkle enters the room, concern on her face.
"Oh, Anon, you're awake. I hope you can forgive my hitting you on the back of the head, it was the only way we could get you over here. After that huge overdose, we had to act quickly."
You say nothing, only stare.
"Anyways, the doctors say that there's nothing wrong with you! It looks like we got you here just in time, huh?"
Nurse Redheart enters the room, nodding to both of you.
"Actually, Twilight, there was nothing wrong with him BEFORE he got here. The doctors didn't do anything, because there was nothing to fix."
Twilight smiles.
"Isn't modern medicine amazing?"
"That's no-" Redheart rolled her eyes and trotted back out, giving up on the conversation
"Anyways, Anon, I'm glad you're feeling better. Hopefully this taught you something about the dangers of salt addiction."
The only lesson you learned today was about your choice of friends.
Salt Lickers Anonymous: The finger-lickin' good sequel
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Summer in Equestria is no laughing matter. Every year, when the sun finally gets its kick back, it makes sure to give every ounce of that kick right up your ass. It might have something to do with your business suit, or the fact that you don't regularly exercise, or something logical like that, but you just like to pretend that Celestia herself is making you sweat as profusely as you do.
Pinkie bounces on the trail ahead of you, heading up the mountain trail with no effort whatsoever. You always regret going on these nature hikes with her, but somehow that smile always wins you over. Speaking of that smile, you can see it now. She's stopped to turn and check on you, not so much a matter of IF you've lagged behind, but HOW FAR you've lagged behind. She waits for you to catch up before speaking.
"You doin' ok, Nonny? You look pretty beat."
"Yeah, Pinkie, I-I'm fine."
You collapse on a nearby rock and remove your backpack, taking out a water bottle. You chug it down in practically one breath before dropping it back in the backpack and resuming panting.
Yeah, ok, the suit was going to have to come off, stylish as it is.
You unbutton your jacket and fold it up neatly, placing it inside your backpack. While you're at it, you take off your undershirt, packing that inside as well. Pinkie watches with interest as you remove your clothes.
"I've never seen you without your clothes on, Nonny. You look kinda silly."
"Yeah, well, you look 'kinda silly' with clothes ON."
Pinkie Pie giggles at the turnaround and sits down on her haunches next to you. She pokes a hoof at your chest and you swat it away.
"Come on, Pinkie, leave me alone. I have to catch my breath real quick."
"Why are you so wet, Nonny? Did you spill water on yourself?"
You raise an eyebrow in confusion before you realize she's talking about your sweat.
"Oh. No, that's just sweat. It's a thing humans do to keep cool. Ponies do it too, you've probably just never been overworked enough to experience it. What with your boundless energy."
You keep an eye on Pinkie as she nods to herself, accepting the answer. She glances down at her hoof and stares at it for a few moments in silence, obviously contemplating whether her next decision is a good one or not. Not that it matters, she's going to do it anyways. Slowly, she lifts her hoof up to her mouth and sticks out her tongue, giving it a lick. Her eyes widen in a mixture of surprise, fear, and sudden longing. She glances up and gives you a weird look. You shift uncomfortably.
"Is... something wrong? Do I taste funny?"
She whispers something inaudible under her breath.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"S-salt..."
It takes you a few moments to register the significance of salt, before you are reminded of your previous adventures with the white mineral. Pinkie is shaking now, obviously already feeling the need for more. She lifts up a hoof and points at you.
"Do you sweat salt?"
You stare back at her uneasily.
"Y-yes?"
Her pupils shrink as her eyes widen, focusing on your bare skin. You shift off to the side, trying to dodge her gaze, but it follows you.
"Pinkie, please. You're freaking me out."
Pinkie takes a step forward, coming close to you. She leans in so that her muzzle is practically touching your nose. Suddenly her face drifts to the side and finds itself centered on your cheek. Her tongue flops out of her mouth and drags across your cheek, leaving behind a big wet spot as she laps up your sweat. She does this again and again, moving around your face and neck area to get the most salt.
"Pinkie, I don't feel comfortab-"
She gets up on her hind hooves and places her forehooves on your chest, pushing you off of the rock and onto the ground. You squirm underneath her earth pony strength as she pins you to the ground, now full on assaulting your chest with her tongue. Pinkie licks you up and down with fervor, making sure to get every inch of you that isn't covered by clothing.
As she suckles on your fingertips for the precious substance, you stare at her from the ground worriedly. As she finishes licking off the end of your hand, she sniffs around the rest of your body looking for more. Slowly, finding no more salt, she returns to her normal self. Her pupils return to normal size and her eyes slowly droop down to normal alertness levels. You push yourself off the ground and wave a hand in front of her, making sure she's ok.
"Ponka? Pooki? Pooti Poe. Hey. Pinkie! Are you alright?"
She turns to face you ever so slowly.
"I-I'm sorry, Nonny, it's just... I can't stay away from the salt."
You pull your undershirt back on, wrapping your arms around her in a hug.
"It's ok, Pinkie. Let's go back to Ponyville. Maybe you need to lie down in the hospital for a bit, make sure you didn't overdose or anything."
She nods in consent and you hoist her on to your back, leaving the pack behind. You'll come for it later.
~
"Sorry, what's the problem?"
"Possible salt overdose. Had a little too much and now she's feeling bad."
You gesture towards the pony sitting on the waiting room chair and Nurse Redheart nods, taking note.
"How does that even happen? There shouldn't be salt around here for miles."
"Sweat."
Nurse Redheart waves her hoof dismissively. "No, ponies can't sweat nearly enough to produce salt for an overdose. Most of it gets caught in our coats anyways."
"Well, yeah. But not for a human."
Redheart peers over the desk at up at you, noticing your unamused expression.
"... are you implying that Pinkie...?"
"I'm not implying anything. I'm telling."
Redheart exhales and adopts a look of surprise. "Well, that Pinkie Pie sure is a strange one."
"It's more the salt than anything, I reckon. Everyone abandons who they usually are under the influence of drugs. Even if the drugs happen to be excreted from the skin."
You look up to notice Redheart staring at you weird. You wave a hand to get her attention.
"Something off?"
She snaps back into reality. "Hm? Oh. No. No, I was just, uh... I was hooked on salt, too, for a while. Almost everypony was at one point. I was just having flashbacks." She returns to her notes. "Are you still sweating salt? Like, right now?"
"All day, every day. Celestia's summer sun is killing me, like it always does."
She nods and tries to avoid looking at you. She takes a note, fiddles with a few other things on her desk. After a few moments it's obvious she's trying to distract herself with something, anything, to take her mind off of the obvious. You take a few steps back to leave her alone, bumping into something behind you. You turn to see Octavia, leaving the hospital with one of her hind hooves in a cast. You exchange pleasantries.
"Hello, Ms. Philharmonica. Are you doing alright?"
"Just fine, sir. My back hoof is a bit injured, but the doctors say it won't be for too long. And why are you here?"
You point out Pinkie Pie and tell her about the salt. She nods.
"Salt is a dangerous thing. One wonders how Ms. Pinkie could get a hold of it in a place like this."
"Well, she licked it off of me. I sweat it."
You wait for a response of some kind, still staring at Pinkie. Hearing nothing, you turn to see what's keeping Octavia. She's staring at your uncovered arm, eyes focused on the little beads of sweat that are forming there. You turn to seek help, finding the only ponies in the room to be Octavia, Pinkie Pie, and Redheart.
Octavia grabs your arm and starts licking, balancing on her one good leg as you try and pull away from her. Pinkie Pie is on your other side in an instant, keeping your other arm occupied and unable to pry Octavia off.
You turn to ask help from Nurse Redheart.
But she's already right next to you.
Redheart jumps on your back, licking at your neck and shoulder line, trying to get as much of the precious salt as possible. The unexpected weight causes you to fall over, leading to the three ponies pinning you down and licking away. As they run out of places to lick, you start to lose your clothes, garment by garment. As your pants are the next thing to go, you sigh to yourself in defeat.
Today was a salty kind of day.
