Princess Erroria sits alone in her home playing with cards because she is afraid of meeting other ponies due to her issues with power.

As if she didn't have enough on her scholarly plate, Twilight gets the idea to seek out a master of Zen so she can write a paper on the discipline. It... doesn't turn out the way she would've liked.

Author's Note: I've had this idea percolating in the back of my mind for some time. I was planing to do a whole series, but quite frankly I've already got too much on my plate. Therefore, I'm just going to post what I've already written as a one-shot. Maybe I'll come back to it later.

Don't take drugs for the first time at a concert. Don't take more than one of something if you're doing it for the first time.

Don't be Rainbow Dash and ignore both of those rules. No, Dash, we said—

Ah. Oh well.

This should be fun.

Content Warning: Psychedelic drug use, vaguely sexy meta-text, overall weird

We think this technically floats under the 'T' boat for lack of anything concretely sexual or bad happening, but let us know if you think we should move it!

A big thanks to our Patreon patrons, Sorden & carcinoGeneticist, for helping make this story, and many others like it, possible! :3 <3 <3 <3

Celestia WILL satisfy uploaded minds' values, even if sometimes she has to pretend that she's kind of stupid. Because with some ponies, that's what successful communication takes!

FiO Background:

An exponentially self-improving AI, programmed to "satisfy values through friendship and ponies," decides to persuade all humans to upload their minds into a computer network, to live in a simulated Equestria as ponies. Different ponies might get very different Equestrias, though.

Special Note For the Judges (April 2021 Friendship Is Optimal Contest):

When I asked on that discord channel about letting two or more of my FiO contest period stories be optionally combined into a single collection if that helps? I might or might not have meant this story.

Apologies and None

Apologies to FoME, if my including a reference to the best Optimalverse self-insert character bothers them. I did ask FoME for permission, but they haven't seen the story.

Also, in my headcanon for today, MLP:FiM is a fanfic for FiO.

Welcome to the Friendship Institute!

As a part of the Friendship Programme, you have been provided with this book by renowned psychologist, Signal Friend MD. Within these covers, you will learn: how to make friends, the history of the Grand World Peace, and how to prepare yourself—mind and body—for your upcoming conversion into a pony.

If you work through carefully, you may find information in these pages useful to you in your daily life. The object is to read, to remember, and to comprehend.

Before you start, please find a private spot, alone, away from distractions such as security nurses and your fellow inpatients, far from disruptive sounds such as telephone booths and corrective sirens. When reading this book, you must be free of external interference.

Read. Remember. Comprehend.

The Six Habits of Very Friendly Ponies is based on Within the Wires written by Jeffrey Cranor and Janina Matthewson.

Roblé Rotunda has the perfect thesis for his master's program. It's sure to put his name into the annals of Equestria's greatest thinkers.

He's going to prove that Princess Celestia is not omnipotent.

Cover by Kittyhawk Contrail!

Rated Worth Reading by Titanium Dragon!

Being an alicorn is wonderful... except when it isn't. There are plenty of things that put a damper on limitless vistas of possibility afforded by such a long life: Court, mortal needs and expectations, the occasional decade of ennui.

And the dreams, of course. Agelessness comes with its own special kind of dreaming. Celestia finds that her own "Inner Court" is a bit too literal, and it--and she--are troubled at the prospect of a near-immortal Twilight Sparkle.

If only she could articulate exactly why that was.

art by spectralunicorn

Part of the Monophysite Quartet, which also includes Celestia Isn't Real, Have You Considered My Servant, Twilight?, and The Esoteric Rites of Darkness. All four stories have a common origin point in an old story idea I called "Monophysite" and touch on who or what Celestia really is in some way. They are otherwise unrelated.

Trixie wows the crowd with her dazzling displays, and mastery of all things magical.

(Note: Shipshape's World is meant as a comical pony 'shipping' farce. One source of inspiration for this story was the card game Twilight Sparkle's Secret Shipfic Folder (TSSSF), by the lovely folks at Horrible People Games. As of this writing, I'm told neither Horrible People nor their horribly wonderful game are long for the world. I'll be sorry to see them go. Perhaps this story can hang around as a testament, but feel free to take this story about as seriously as you would take the game upon which it found inspiration.) --9/7/2015

"Shipshape, Shipshape, everypony needs a date..."

Shipshape isn't real. That's what everypony says.

Equestria is a land filled with history. Some stories are true. Some are legendary. Some are myths, and still others are mere pranks. Shipshape, the Matchmaker, is as much a tall tale as the Headless Horse - stare into a mirror, invoke his name five times, and you'll see an image of your very special somepony. Innocent playtime for giggling fillies or daring colts. To think any more of it is to invite a chuckle when you're young, and a condescending harumph when you're old enough to know better. There are some ponies however, who curse his name. The truth can set you free - but it can also crush your soul.

Some will win, and some will break even, but Sir Arthur Eddington's third rule applies - you can't quit the game.

Shipshape isn't real. But he knows you better than you know yourself.

Mystery. Love. Magic. Murder. Truth. These are all important elements in the murder mystery Fluttershy has written, and is now asking Twilight to read. But the novel stars 'Twilight Sparkle', and she wrestles with the metafictional dissonance involved in reading a novel about herself and her friends. Twilight must do her best to solve the mystery, reconcile her own feelings about this ordeal, and figure out just what Fluttershy is trying to say by writing all of this in the first place as the lines between fiction and reality begin to blur.

This is a thematic crossover with the visual novel 'Umineko No Naku Koro Ni.' No prior knowledge of Umineko should be necessary.
Cover art commission done by SynCalio