Shipshape's World

by WishyWish

5 - Thine Nuptials

“Citizens!” Luna announced. “Commoners! Rejoice this day, for your sovereign has decreed that one among thee shall be called upon to receive the honor of our illustrious companionship!”

The princess of the night wandered through the crowd, her back straight and her chin held high. Princess Cadance, who had arrived sometime prior with her husband, leaned into Celestia, her voice at a whisper.

“I’m surprised she’s going for this. I don’t mean to be rude, but I always thought Princess Luna would hold onto the ancient idea that royalty can only be with royalty.”

Celestia cocked her head to the side and watched ponies cower before her sister’s presence. “She did. And we tried. It…didn’t work, as you can see.” Blushing brightly, Celestia moved the topic along. “I explained to my sister that this might be a good opportunity for her to…better relate to our subjects. She appears to have taken the idea to heart.”

“You!” Luna barked at Big McIntosh, “Thou art a fine, strapping example of stallionhood! Thou shalt produce exemplary, hardworking stock! We bid you to brush with the lips of thine princess!” Luna threw back her head and cackled. Somehow, a flash of lightning shot across the sky. With a hearty ‘eeenope’, Big Mac was kicking up dust and barreling through the semi-existent town hall. Luna scoffed.

“So be it, but thou dost not know what thou art missing! You then!” She turned on an already cringing young unicorn stallion. “Join with your princess and go down in history as a consort of royalty!”

Half a dozen terrified escapes later, Luna trotted back over to her sister, Cadance, Twilight and Shining Armor, her head hung as low as she would allow common ponies to see. “Why is this not working? Is it because of the royal voice? Have we not made our intentions clear?”

“The cackling might not have been the best idea,” Twilight observed.

“Cackling?” Luna repeated, bewildered. “We were not cackling. We were sharing in the joy our subjects must inevitably be experiencing, since one of their number shall be chosen by us.

Cadance touched a hoof to her forehead and sighed. “Are we really going to be able to do this? Defending Equestria from an invasion or settling a political dispute is one thing, but I feel like I’ve been dropped in a locked room and told I can’t leave until I kiss somepony.”

“That’s pretty much exactly what this is,” Twilight mused. She offered her old foalsitter a reassuring smile. “But you have nothing to worry about, right?”

“That’s right Twiley, she doesn’t.” Shining Armor nuzzled his beloved wife, “The only reason we haven’t left yet is we thought it would be good for us to stay and help reassure the others.”

Twilight favored her brother with an appreciative grin. At least one relationship around here made sense to her. She scanned the masses of ponies mulling about around town. For the most part they were thinking logically about this, and a good number of them had already gotten up the nerve to experiment. Something about having her brother around made Twilight feel more secure. She hadn’t had any luck escaping herself yet, but then, she hadn’t really tried. And why bother trying? She already knew there was only one pony who could truly capture her heart. But…was it scandalous? Was it asking too much? No…no it wasn’t any of that. Twilight was a princess. And so, it was only proper for her to take after her brother and his wife, and stay behind for a while, to help…organize things. Her time would come later. She had it all figured out.

“Twilight Sparkle?” Celestia inquired.

“Huh? Y-yes!?”

“My student, you were staring at me. Are you well?”

“Staring? Who was staring?” Twilight laughed dryly, “Not me! No not staring ever! What would I be staring at?” Celestia raised a brow, and Twilight felt her heart pounding in her chest. She forced herself to form words.

“P-princess Celestia,” Twilight began, her ears drooping and her voice small, “I…I just wanted to say, I know this is sort of sudden and maybe you won’t understand…or maybe you will, I don’t know, just…I wanted to say…”

Twilight mentally berated herself. There would never be a more perfect time! Why couldn’t she say it? She took in a deep breath and steeled herself, but when she opened her mouth again, her voice was overridden by a sudden shout from nearby. All of the royalty turned as one to look upon an altercation occurring two streets over. Twilight sighed. Illusory or not, this was still Ponyville, and she was responsible for it.

“I’ll, uhm…I’ll go see what’s wrong,” The princess of friendship reluctantly offered. Forgetting that she could simply trot right through the buildings, she took wing and headed towards a small crowd of ponies at the mouth of an alley.

“Back!!” A wine-colored earth mare brandishing a heavy textbook growled at an assemblage of other mares. “You get back! He’s mine, and you can’t have him!”

“You can’t hog him for yourself!” A sun-yellow unicorn replied from the crowd. “I walk by the farm every day on my way home from work, and all I think about is getting a chance to see him working the fields! It was meant to be, I tell you!”

“I’ve written him a hundred love-letters!” A lime-green earth mare called out. “I never sent any of them, but that’s not the point! He’s the only stallion for me!”

“I have a shrine to him in my bedroom!” Another mare cried. “He’s the first thing I see every morning and the last image I have before bed every night! He’s mine!

Twilight nearly got a cheek full of arithmetic problems the moment she landed. “Cherilee? Big Mac? What’s all this about?”

Big McIntosh, cowering behind the school teacher despite his girth, only shrugged and shook his head. Cherilee swatted at every leg that tried to reach past her.

“You don’t understand!” Cherilee panted, “I spend every day of my life around colts and fillies, and all of you expect me to just teach them day in and day out, like some sort of machine! What about teacher!? When does teacher get to be happy? I’m a mare too you know, and I have needs!! My biological clock is ticking just like anypony’s! You leave my very special somepony alone!”

Twilight approached Cherilee slowly, watching for any sudden movement. “Now, now, let’s all just calm down, okay? If you’d just give me the textbook, we could—h-hey!”

The Princess of Friendship ducked just in time to let the textbook sail in an arc over her head. “Cherliee, please! This isn’t like you! Be reasonable!” She narrowed her eyes and was about to berate the schoolmare again, but the look in Cherliee’s maudlin eyes killed the words before they could come out. Tears were streaming down the wine-colored mare’s cheeks. Twilight instantly felt ashamed. She’d imagined there would be some difficulties in Shipshape’s world, but she hadn’t considered the feelings of other ponies. She took a calming breath, stepped back, and tried again.

“Cherilee, please. This hasn’t been easy for anypony, I understand that. But we’re all just going to have to…take one for the team, you know?”

“T-take,” Cherilee sputtered, still brandishing the textbook. “take one for—”

For a moment it looked as if the love-starved mare was going to strike again, but her manic expression suddenly split into a smile that bisected her muzzle nearly up to her ears.

“O-of course!! Why didn’t I think of that before!?” Tossing the book aside, Cherilee whirled on Big Mac, who was regarding the throng of mares at the mouth of the alley with all the trepidation of a trapped lemur. Twilight didn’t like the look in the school teacher’s eye. Was the poor mare really that lonely? When Big Mac glanced in Cherilee’s direction, he found himself akin to a large red deer caught in her headlights.

“Oh schmoopy-bear,” She cooed, approaching one slow step at a time. “you didn’t forget about us, did you? My cuddle-wuddle-moogy-woogy-sweetie-kins? I know this isn’t really the ideal way, but at least we get to find out what we already know – that we’re very special someponies! One little kiss is all it ta-akes~”

Big Mac edged away from the approaching muzzle until he was half-materialized into a building. When Cadance, Luna, and Shining Armor finally pushed their way through the crowd to inquire about the commotion, the big apple farmer fixed all of them, including Twilight, with a pleading glance.

“You’re…probably going to have to kiss her if you want her to stop,” Twilight observed.

“I agree,” Cadance added. “Kiss her before she hurts herself or some other pony.”

“Ah, of course,” Luna commented. “Thou art certainly requesting privacy with which to consummate thine nuptials. Regrettable – thou wouldst have made a fine concubine. Pay no heed to your sovereign’s illustrious presence. Proceed.”

Big Mac took a breath. He watched the feminine muzzle looming closer and closer – memories of the love potion fiasco behind his hesitation. He knew they were right. With the last breath he could manage before those lips touched home, he closed his eyes and murmured a single word: “Eeyup.”

The kiss never came. Instead, his ears picked up a shuffling noise. Convinced that the mares had taken to blows over him, the draft stallion’s eyes popped open just as Cherilee let out a yelp and collapsed flat on her back in the dirt. She had, of all things, a lavender filly standing prominently on her chest.

Diamond Tiara’s grin was about as menacing as one of her stature could manage. “Miss Cherilee.”

Cherilee deadpanned, raising a brow. “I don’t know what you think you’re doing, Diamond Tiara, but your teacher is not in the mood for games right now.”

“Games?” The haughty filly laughed. “I don’t play games. I’ll make this plain. You have power over me. I don’t like it when ponies have power over me. Now I finally have a chance to even the odds. You’re coming home with me tonight.”

A moment of silence passed before the assembled ponies burst out laughing. Only the princesses traded glances. Cadance and Luna in turn passed their looks on to Twilight, as if to ask what exactly fillies in Ponyville are being taught these days. Nudged to action, Twilight spoke up.

“Diamond Tiara,” She smiled softly, “Come on now. Your teacher has had a difficult night. Now really isn’t the best time to be—”

“It’s the perfect time!” Diamond Tiara scrunched up her nose and posed over her teacher like a wolf over a fresh kill. “My daddy knows when to take advantage of an opportunity, and so do I! I should be the one in control!”

“Young lady,” Cherliee rumbled. “Get off of me this instant. I won’t have behavior like this from students in my class.”

“Ohh yes you will,” The filly grinned. She leaned down next to Cherilee’s ear and whispered softer than anypony else could hear.

“I saw the photos.”

Cherilee blanched and went stiffer than death itself. “You…did?”

Diamond Tiara nodded.

“Th-that…! That’s impossible! You’re just saying that to get under my coat! You don’t even know where they are!”

“Third drawer of your desk. Under the paperweight with the snowflakes inside it, in a folder marked ‘boring sciency-stuff that my students will hate’. I borrowed the negatives. I hope you don’t mind. You really shouldn’t leave something like that lying around for anypony to find. Why, if somepony with less scruples were to come along…”

“…you’re bluffing,” Cherilee challenged.

“Am I?” Again Diamond Tiara bent down to her teacher’s ear. Whatever she whispered, it made the schoolmare’s eyes open wide. “But don’t worry, I won’t say a word. So long as you come home with me tonight.”

Twilight had one brow raised nearly past her bangs. “Ummmm…I don’t know what’s going on here, but Diamond Tiara, could you please get off your teacher? You’re causing a scene.”

With a soft shushing noise, Diamond Tiara brushed lips with a no longer resisting Cherliee.

POOF

Silence. Silence and staring.

“We…did not anticipate that event on the horizon,” Luna commented. “Or, how you say…we ‘did not see that one coming’. We offer our condolences.”

The silence persisted until a mare from the crowd called out, “Big Mac’s free!”

Twilight quickly interposed herself between the apple draft pony and the oncoming horde. “Everypony please! We can discuss this in a rational manner!”

Luna loomed beside the smaller and less terrifying princess. Her presence was, thankfully, at least enough to keep Twilight from being squashed flat by the stampede of mares. “Twilight Sparkle, dost thou require our assistance?”

“Now would be an excellent time for that cackling!” Twilight shouted over the confusion.

Luna cleared her throat, looking slightly embarrassed. “Never fear. Shipshape is always right. The pairing was somewhat bizarre, but it shall work out in the end.”

Twilight was absorbed with pushing back the zombielike, groping hooves with her magic. “Everypony keeps telling me that. I still don’t understand why I’m the only pony who doesn’t know anything about this.”

Luna swallowed. “Forgive us Twilight Sparkle for our…uncouthness, but we believe the reasoning behind that conclusion is…well.” The mistress of the night faltered. “How shall we say…thou art somewhat…prudish.”

“Prudish?” Twilight, after being smacked on the cheeks half a dozen times, lit her horn and erected a proper barrier against Big Mac’s suitors. “…prudish? Me?”

“Indeed.” Luna said simply.

Twilight gaped.

“I…I don’t think I can handle this anymore,” Cadance sighed deeply, her ears drooping and her eyes fixed on the maniacal love crowd on the other side of the magic barrier. “Shining, darling…I’m sorry but, can we go now?”

Shining Armor looked between his sister and his wife. He hesitated until Twilight favored him with a nudge, a wink, and a promise that everything would be okay. “Well…alright dear, if it’ll make you feel better.” He began looking around, “We can try to find someplace more private if you’d like…”

A springtime smile lit Cadance’s features. “There’s no need for that. It’s just a kiss, and it’s not like our love is some big secret. I don’t think anypony will mind.” Casually, he brushed her husband’s cheek and touched her lips to his.

She held the kiss.

Longer.

A little longer.

Cadance opened her eyes and looked around. When her eyes snapped back to her lover, there was something frantic in them that hadn’t been there before. “Shining…why are we still here? Tell me why we’re still here!”

Shining Armor, feeling his sister’s eyes on him as much as his wife’s, cleared his throat, his eyes darting around. “I, uh…that is…”

Cadance was tapping her hoof. “That is what?”

“You…you know you’re the only mare for me.”

Cadance smiled. Well of course she knew that. She shook her head, “Of course, I know that. I’m sorry. I guess this whole ‘Shipshape’ thing just has me flustered. I’m sorry.”

The glint in Shining’s eyes was as dashing as the day she fell for him. “Maybe we’re just not getting through to this ‘Shipshape’ joker. Let’s try that again, huh?”

Shining Armor put his forelegs around his wife just as he detected a large reddish blur swooping at him from out of the corner of his eye. Military training kicked in and he moved to riposte the blow, until he realized he was about to impale Big McIntosh on his horn. Scrambling to redirect his counterattack, he caught a quick glimpse of a few mares who had finally thought to just trot through the buildings and around Twilight’s barrier, ignoring the shape of the ‘alley’. They’d tripped the poor earth stallion as he was backing away and sent him hurtling towards Cadance’s lover. There was yelping. There was shouting. In the commotion, Big Mac bowled Shining Armor over and, quite by accident, graced the other stallion with his lips.

POOF

Cadance groped thin air with her forelegs, nearly falling over from the sudden lack of support. The Apple stallion was gone. So was her husband. As the disappointed mare crowd let out a collective moan and began to disperse, Cadance found her lips moving, but no words were coming out. Twilight was by her side, eyes like saucers at the stallion-shaped impression in the dirt.

“That…uh…that…” Twilight sputtered, patting the dumbfounded leader of the Crystal Empire on the withers. “That…had to be a mistake. Just…try not to read into it too much.”

Princess Luna, her midnight mane floating in endless waves, shook her head tactlessly. “Shipshape is never incorrect. We are sorry for your loss. If it is any consolation, know that this can only lead to happiness for the both of them.”

“I…he…we…” Cadance wobbled on her hooves as if she were about to faint. “B-but…but…this…is this why he keeps telling me he has a headache every night…?”

“Every night?” Twilight pondered. “…owch.”

Luna put her foreleg around Cadance’s quivering shoulders and began leading the poor princess away. “We attempted to explain this to our sister before, but inbreeding is the right and privilege of royalty. We see that we were, in fact, correct all the while. The night is yet young. Come, let us give thanks to the sun and the moon, and share in our birthrights together.”

Twilight cantered to catch up to the pair; Cadance was simply being led around by Luna like a little lost lamb. “Inbree—wait, what? Princess Luna, how is that even possible with you and…??” She found she could only finish her thought by pointing dramatically at Cadance.

Luna’s horn began to glow. “Inbreeding is magic, Princess Twilight Sparkle. Adieu.” With that, she bent the pink alicorn backwards in her grasp, and kissed her tenderly by the light of the moon. Cadance let out a befuddled murmur, closed her eyes, and parted her lips, her tension and control slipping away.

POOF

Twilight Sparkle was alone. Again.

Comments

[Fire Feather]

Okayyyyy.........I think you had fun writing this. Am I correct?

[Okie Brony]

Well, now, that was... something. The scene with Diamond Tiara almost ruins the story, but at least it's not explicit. I'm just thankful that Shiny didn't disappear after kissing his sister! As for Lunance, it's a good thing Cady's adopted. Woody Allen and Soon-Yi are still happily married. (Okay, bad example, but the point stands.)