Shipshape's World

by WishyWish

8 - Prudish Chaos Cake

Twilight fluttered her wings and lifted herself off the ground just in time to keep from being bowled over by a pair of mares that were rolling down the street, locked in one another’s legs and smooching like mad. When she landed again, she tapped the dirt with a hoof and examined it.

“…how do they do that?” She mused aloud.

She didn’t have much time to consider the question. At once she was set upon by a group of ponies who were peppering her with questions and problems. ‘Why did this happen?’ ‘Is Shipshape really real?’ ‘I don’t wanna tell he/she I like them this way.’ ‘I kissed my lover but didn’t go home, why?’ Twilight held up a hoof.

“Now now, wait a minute…one at a time, one at a time—”

She tried in vain to maintain order, but the crowed surged forward and surrounded her, begging their princess for guidance. After trying to address all of their concerns at once, her fight or flight response kicked in and she took to the air, sailing several streets over and not coming down until she was certain there were enough hazy buildings between her and the mob to mask her image. She checked to make sure the street was empty, and let out a deflating sigh.

Comfortable that she was alone but ashamed that she ran away, Twilight vented while kicking up a cloud of dust. “Why me? I don’t know anything about how all this works. Princess Celestia is still here. Why don’t they go to her? Every time there’s a threat of some kind it’s always some ancient legend that just happens to not be anywhere in the books I’ve been studying all my life. Is Equestrian history really that poorly recorded? Or am I just…am I just…” She paused and slipped down to her rump in the dust, staring up at that moon that hadn’t moved in hours. “…am I just a prude?”

“Bit for your thoughts?” A voice spoke up. Twilight snapped her eyes open and looked around, but the street was still deserted. “Of course I’ll be requiring change,” the voice continued. “On second thought, you should be paying me for the privilege.”

Twilight’s ears perked. She knew that voice well enough, but it was the last one she was expecting to hear. She lit her horn like a torch, but a second later she felt it wink out like a doused candle. Cross-eyed, she looked up to find a three-inch-tall draconequus standing on her head. Discord’s paw, preposterously large at its normal size, had her horn pinched between his thumb and forefinger.

“Discord!” Twilight growled. “This is all your fault, isn’t it? Ow, hey!”

Discord stamped around in Twilight’s mane. “Really, do you use conditioner? Do you even wash this thing? I mean I can understand a bit of fashionable B.O. now and then, but this is just – oh my, I think I just found some dandruff.”

“Off my head!” Twilight rumbled, shaking her head violently.

“Now now!” Discord was suddenly floating a few feet in front of Twilight. “You youngsters just don’t know what kind of damage you can do to your brains by moshing like that. Though I suppose you’d be immune.”

“Fix this!” Twilight declared. “Fix it now!”

“Ohhh no you don’t, mon princesse!” Discord vanished – when he reappeared again, he was his normal size. He was wearing a black and red charro suit, complete with a garishly tassled sombrero and a trumpet in his paw. “I had nothing to do with this. For real this time! I’m here to mariachi!!”

With that, Discord blew out a screeching cacophony of dissonance on his horn that was enough to force Twilight to cover her ears with her hooves. She shut her eyes tightly and screamed for him to stop until the noise abruptly ceased. Surprised at the sudden compliance, she opened her eyes and yelped when she found herself floating in midair, Discord’s eyes mere inches from her own.

“I suppose we’d better get this over with.” The chaotic creature sighed. Twilight opened her mouth to demand to be let down, but the moment she parted her lips, he sprayed her throat with an aerosol can of mouthwash he produced from nowhere and claimed her lips with his own in a vicelike embrace. Wide-eyed and flailing, Twilight hung like that for half a minute before Discord cancelled whatever magical hold he had on her, and she collapsed on her back in the dirt.

Discord snapped his fingers. “Nuts. Well, I suppose that’s exactly what I should have expected. I appreciate your feelings for me princess, but it would never work. I hope you’ll understand.”

Twilight didn’t know what was worse; the pain along her spine, or the damnable blush on her cheeks. She righted herself with magic instead of getting up manually, just to show off her own power. When the purple aura around her faded she narrowed her eyes.

“I don’t—I would never! Not with you!”

“Oh really?” The draconequus replied. “That’s not what Fluttershy said.”

“…she said what?”

“Who said what?”

“Fluttershy.”

“Who?”

“Fluttershy! The yellow pony!”

“What pony?”

“The yellow pony!!”

“Ohhhhh, yes!” Discord banished his garish outfit and was suddenly behind Twilight, whispering into her ear. “…did you like my tongue? I brush it twice a day you know. You can borrow it sometime if you like.”

“ACK!” Twilight doubled over at the very thought, coughing and spitting at the ground.

Discord leaned up against an illusory building without falling through it and checked a wristwatch he wasn’t wearing, while letting out a number of dramatically deep, clearly bored sighs. “Must you be so dramatic? You weren’t that bad. It was good for me too. You really should brush more, though.”

Twilight went right back on the warpath. “Discord, listen to me,” She rubbed one temple and tried to will her headache to go away, “Everypony is trapped in some weird pocket dimension, we are rapidly running out of princesses, and I’m running out of explanations! You’ve had your fun, so can you please just knock it off already?”

Discord frowned and placed a paw on his chest. “Mon princesse, you wound me! Surely the Princess of Friendship knows how to catch more parasprites with honey, doesn’t she?”

Twilight deadpanned. “Can you pretty, pretty please knock it off?”

Discord made a ‘gimmie’ gesture with one paw.

“Pretty, pretty please with…” Twilight gritted her teeth, “…with sugar on top?”

Discord grinned.

“Discord, please,” Twilight took a deep breath and tried her very best to smile, “pretty, pretty please, I would personally very much appreciate it and be very grateful if you would kindly consider putting an end to the…‘fun’ for the evening?”

Discord shrugged. “Can’t. Already told you it’s not my fault.”

“Then why did you make me ask you like that!?”

Discord stuck his claw in his ear and pulled out a Dictaphone. He pressed a button on it and closed his eyes, bopping to an imaginary beat as Twilight’s sweet words played back. “This is my favorite single! Why, I’ll listen to it when I’m out mowing the swimming pool or looking for the two white picket fences inside my cat yard. They’re such scoundrels, you know. And pointy!”

Twilight started walking away. Discord fell in with her, floating upside down over her head.

“It doesn’t matter if you believe me or not princess, but the truth is, I’m just as much a prisoner here as you are. Why, I used to play this game all the time with the less uptight ponies of yesteryear before it fell out of fashion. Ah, but I was quite the Casanova back then! Why you should have seen my harem! Let me tell you about them, there was Hot to Trot - oh was she a hottie; Excitebike was a barrel of laughs…oh, and how could I forget Taster’s Choice! Oh my, but she had the most lovely—”

Twilight held her hoof up sharply. Discord huffed.

“Fine, be that way. Everypony knows you’re just a prude anyway.”

“I am not a prude!” Twilight exclaimed. “Even I can’t be expected to know about every single legend in all of Equestrian history!”

“And yet you’re the only one that doesn’t know this one,” Discord pointed out. “Now, where’s Fluttershy? Fun’s fun, but I left the stove on and I’d prefer the house not to be a solid block of ice when I get home. It would be the third time this week, you know.”

Twilight harumphed. “She’s gone.”

Discord seemed to falter. “…gone? Gone where?”

“Home, I guess,” Twilight managed to make the gesture of shrugging her shoulders look sloppy and insulting. “I guess she was sufficiently ‘shipped’ enough to get out of here. She left with—”

“…that annoying little flax seed snorting sycophant with the dred-mane,” Discord interrupted, grinding his teeth.

“Actually no, it wasn’t Treehugger. Fluttershy left with—”

Discord snapped his fingers; Twilight felt her jaw abruptly and painfully shut. “Enough!” The draconequus growled. “I don’t even want to know. Suffice to say a certain pegasus and I will be having a little poneo-a-poneo chat when this is all over.”

Twilight raised a brow. For a moment she almost felt sorry for the chaotic being. Almost. “Discord, I know Fluttershy is your friend, but I don’t really think she feels that way about—”

“And what about you?” Discord cut the purple princess off a third time. “Where’s your steed in shining armor? Too busy with Shining Armor? I saw that earlier, you know. Never knew your brother’s tail swung that way, but I suppose it’s not unexpected. I mean look at the female influences the poor colt had growing up.”

Twilight blushed again, but she didn’t dignify the comment with a response.

“Oh?” Discord floated smugly, “Griffon got your tongue? Or maybe you wish one did? Where are you off to, anyway?”

“Princess Celestia,” Twilight stated matter-of-factly. “If anypony knows what to do next, it’s her.”

“If anypony knows what to d—!!” Discord repeated the words but couldn’t finish the thought. “Look around you, Uptight Sparkle!” Twilight was obliged to stop in her tracks when a hapless green stallion and a butternut-colored mare both appeared floating in front of her.

“When two ponies love each other very much,” Discord instructed, “they do the four-legged mambo! The mane mamma-jamma! They learn cutie mark capoeira and christen everything in the forest until they can’t take it anymore!” The draconequus waggled his finger. The two confused ponies flew into each other, their lips mooshed together, and they vanished. Discord went on, “And then POOF! That, Twilight Poppins, is what to do next! So why not make a good example for your ‘subjects’ and find yourself a nice stallion! Or a nice mare! Or that little purple slave you make carry your books all over town! Surely he must have Stockhoof Syndrome by now!”

Twilight, refusing to play the game, resumed her course towards the center of town. Discord was silent for so long she thought she was rid of him, but he was right there watching her when she finally looked up again.

“…is there something on my face?” The princess queried. Discord emitted a grin Twilight was sure Pinkie Pie would have been proud of.

“Why yes my dear, there is. And it all makes sense now!” Cackling, he did a somersault in midair while Twilight poked obliviously at her own cheeks. “How could I not have seen it before? The deference, the bowing and scraping, the ‘dear Princess Celestia’ letters, that photo you keep under your pillow—don’t think I don’t know about that—the feigned ‘noble’ decision to lay around here and rot because you think it’s somehow good for morale, it just makes perfect sense! Somepony’s hot for teacher!!”

Twilight’s blood ran cold and her eyes were like tea saucers. “I am not!!”

Discord’s jaundiced eyes were suddenly taking up Twilight’s entire field of vision. He kept his accusation going. “You want the pesky omnipotent being of pure chaos to go away because you don’t want anypony to see that you’re about to go admit your feelings to your Mistress, and throw yourself on the mercy of her bedchamber. And you’re absolutely terrified that she might say no, or if she does say yes, that Shipshape won’t give your happy nuptials his blessing. Don’t deny it—” Discord stuck his head through Twilight’s flank, clear to the other side, “Because I can see right through you!”

Twilight shut her eyes so tight she felt a tear welling up in one of them. She bolted away from the taunting draconequus, who sang after her:

“You’re not a prude at all! You’re a closet stalker! Admit it and you’ll be happier~!”

Twilight galloped with her eyes closed until she inevitably struck another solid pony and was cast off balance. Landing hard in the dirt, she opened her eyes to find a pale yellow hoof held out to her. She took it, pulled herself up, and was already apologizing before identifying her benefactor.

“Well, I’ll be!” The voice attached to the hoof exclaimed, “Look here brother! We’re in the very presence of royalty!”

“So I see, brother!” Another familiar, lanky unicorn replied. “And she’s just in time, too! Now princess, you wouldn’t mind if we bent your ears for just one little moment, would you?”

Twilight shook the shock out of her static-charged brain and got her bearings. She knew the Flim Flam brothers well enough, but she was surprised to find Aloe and Lotus, the proprietors of the Ponyville Day Spa, on each brother’s foreleg. Flim traced a rectangular picture in the air with his hoof, and the brothers went on without waiting for Twilight to acknowledge them, liberally completing one another’s sentences.

“Before you say anything at all princess, may I say that it’s a pleasure—”

“—an honor!”

“—a privilege to bask in your royal presence, for lowly—”

“—honest!”

“—salesponies like us! Why, I was just this minute discussing a brand new—”

“—stupendous!”

“—business proposition with my brother and these two lovely young mares here. What does this place need more than anything else, you say?”

Twilight looked blank. “A disclaimer?”

“A disclaimer she says!” Flam laughed and slapped his brother’s shoulder. “Very astute, very astute, but no! What this dusty old dimension needs is pure and simple as the muzzles on our lovely marefriend’s faces! License!”

Twilight wasn’t in the mood for this, and not all of her cylinders were firing. She stared uncomprehendingly. “License?”

“I’m glad you agree!” Flim declared. Flam reared up, holding his forelegs akimbo in the air and staring up as if he were reading from a giant marquee.

“FlimFlam’s Sensational Shapeshipping Special Somepony Day Spa!” Doesn’t that have a lovely sound to it, brother?”

“Indeed it does, brother! Why, ponies from far and wide will be captivated by our class! Beguiled by our boldness! And hypnotized by the histrionic hooficures, fabulous facials, and magnificent, melodious massages of our brand new business partners, Miss Aloe and Miss Lotus! Tell ‘er girls – all about those big, big plans!”

Aloe touched her cheek with a hoof and smiled eagerly. “Zis could be exactly vat de spa needs, you know?” She sighed deeply, “Eet is so romantic I am havink ze shivers just thinking of eet!”

“Yes, yes!” Lotus chimed in. “Eet vill be ze one-stop experience! Ze pony can get ze’re very favorite spa experience and be matched with ze’re very special somepony all at ze same time!

“And all we need—” Flim produced a cocktail napkin from under his hat and unfolded it. It was almost completely covered in hastily scrawled, questionable legalese. “Is the hoofprint of an honored, cherished—”

“—and beloved!”

“—princess, declaring an exclusive copyright on Shipshape’s summoning catch phrase!

Twilight raised her weary brow. “Seriously?”

“No? You drive a hard bargain your highness,” Flim continued, “but you’re one hundred percent correct!”

Flam added, “We will most certainly and graciously agree to donate point zero three two percent of all profits to the Equestrian National Orphaned Foals Fund, and another point zero five—”

“—zero zero five, brother—”

“—zero zero five percent to a special fund dedicated to the infrastructure of the great municipality of Ponyville! Why we’ll give till it hurts! We’ll bleed bits from our very veins! Be pillars of the community! Scions of—”

“Hold it, hold it!” Twilight cut the proposal off and levitated the cocktail napkin close enough to read. She scanned it with her eyes and practically choked. “The exclusive right to all bathing facilities in the entire town? A heavily enforced copyright on every single word in the summoning phrase?” She peered at the brothers from overtop the napkin. “You do realize the words ‘everypony’, ‘need’, and ‘a’ are in the phrase, right? And what’s this about financial Manifest Destiny throughout Equestria?”

“Minor details!” Flam announced energetically, nabbing the napkin and stuffing it under his hat. “They’ll all be ironed out before you know it!”

“We’ll consult our legal team and get back to you!” Flim cut in, tugging nervously at his collar. “Have your people call our people and we’ll do lunch!”

Twilight dismissed the whole idea mentally. She didn’t have time for this. Her head hurt, her nerves were up, and she was not a prude. She was going to find Princess Celestia, and then everything would be okay. Everything.

“Why Princess,” Flim spoke up, “You’re looking a bit under the withers.”

Flam produced a bottle from the pocket of his jacket. “Care for a bottle of FlimFlam’s Miracle Curative Tonic? We’ll even give you a special discount, in appreciation for your consideration of our previous proposal!”

“You’re still trying to sell that stuff?” Twilight waved the bottle off. “I’m sorry, but I need to go. I need to find Princess Celestia.”

Aloe frowned and tightened her grip on Flim. “Princess Celestia? Oh, Princess Twilight, zee princess eez gone. Did you not know?”

Twilight had to keep herself from staggering under the force of the words as they struck her. “G-gone…? Where…?”

“Back to zee…home, no?” Lotus replied, trading shrugs with the other spa pony.

The violet alicorn felt her lower lip quivering. She didn’t want to ask, but she had to know. “With who?”

“Mister Cake, of course.” Aloe replied as if it were nothing. Twilight could barely form words.

“M-mister…Mister…what!? B-but…but why??”

Flam tilted his head. “Why not? Everypony knows Princess Celestia loves cake!”

Laughing merrily, the brothers and the spa ponies trotted away, chatting about the future while leaving a decrepit princess, lost in the past, withering on her knees. Twilight didn’t bother looking up when Discord’s voice faded in.

“You still owe me that bit I wasted on your thoughts, princess.”

“Discord,” Twilight’s voice was shaky, “I’m really not in the mood. Go find yourself somepony and go back home.”

Discord hesitated for some time. When he spoke again, his voice was oddly reserved. “Been there, done that. Didn’t get the t-shirt, I’m afraid.”

“That’s because the only pony that could love you is yourself,” Twilight rumbled. It wasn’t a very nice thing to say, she knew that – but it made her feel a little better all the same. Until Discord laughed, at least.

“But of course! Why didn’t I think of that before!?”

Twilight looked up to find a total of four Discords – one of them had a collar, tie and a microphone, while the other three were sitting on floating stools in rapt attention.

“Bachelor number one!” The first Discord declared, examining a set of index cards. “If you’re rubber and I’m glue, how would you keep us from bouncing off of each other?”

The second Discord crossed his legs and scratched his chin. “I’d be glue, of course! Anything for you, you hot buttered chunk of chaos, you!”

“A fine answer!” The first Discord declared. “Bachelor number two! How much would could a woodchuck chuck if we were taking a long walk on the beach under a romantic sunset?”

The third Discord, wearing shades with a toothpick sticking out of his mouth, slicked back his mane with a claw he had converted into a comb, clicked his tongue, and pointed slyly at his counterpart. “I’d be crusin’ the miracle mile with you, sugar honey!”

“Magnificent reply!” The first Discord thundered. “Bachelor number three! What would you say if I told you that the sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of our love?”

The fourth Discord, clad in nothing less than a nineteenth-century southern belle’s gown, smiled bashfully. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

“The I’s have it!” The first Discord proclaimed. Casting the cards over his shoulder, he floated over to his counterparts at speed and gathered them all up in his arms. “Gimmie some sugar, you sexy beasts!”

POOF

Twilight rolled her eyes at the empty space where all the Discords were. “Of course,” is all she said, before hanging her head and meandering away. Alone again.

Comments

[Okie Brony]

I swear, this is one of my all-time favorite depictions of DisQord! (The only possible match for Discord is another Discord.)