Welcome to the Advanced Studies Lab.
This audiobook version of The Six Habits of Very Friendly Ponies has been specially designed for Advanced Studies subjects, and will help you prepare—mind and body—for upcoming invasive examination techniques.
Listen carefully, as we are all on a tight timetable. The preparation phase cannot overrun, because if it does, these words will be drowned out by the sound of carpentry.
Remember what you learn from listening, as it will be important for your successful completion of the Advanced Studies Program. Implement what you learn, even if it might not work out. Not everything goes according to plan; even Princess Twilight’s best laid plans can go awry. However, the important thing is to do your best, to struggle through and survive, for your own benefit, as well as that of the Friendship Institute.
Listen, remember, and implement.
A word of warning before we continue: you are currently restrained—by ropes—onto a cold metal table. These ropes are specially designed to tighten if you struggle, like a Chinese finger trap, restricting blood flow in your limbs, and inevitably hurting you. Of course, this is by design: the technicians of the Advanced Studies Lab do not want you to restrict your blood vessels; it is important to them that your blood flows freely through your veins and arteries. You must have good blood flow for the studies to come.
Here, within these walls, in this place of calm, lab technicians will examine the piece of art that is your body: all the nerves and muscles, the individual cells that alone are nothing, but together are greater than the sum of their whole. They will photograph you and take notes. They will do so dispassionately. Nopony is here to judge you. The technicians will not make presumptions on how you ended up in the Advanced Studies Lab. Perhaps you were not progressing well in your Friendship Studies. Perhaps you got in a fight with the security team. Perhaps you punched and kicked, whilst shouting about waterfalls and white rabbits, and yelling out, “Julie, Julie!” Which is strange, because there is no one here by that name, and if there was, she does not go by that name anymore and would not wish for you to mention it aloud. Whatever the reason, you will not be judged for your actions.
However, the technicians will be interested as to why you acted the way you did. They want to know why you bruised the ponies of the security team. Through a succession of tests, which may be boring in more than one sense of the word, the lab technicians will find out.
Listen carefully to these words. I know I am repeating myself here, but this cannot be stressed enough. Pay no attention to rumours of how Princess Twilight broke ponies within these walls and reset them to become her closest friends. They are not true; she made her friends long before the Friendship Institute was even established. You must learn to trust these words. You must trust these words! What is said—and what is not said—will be vitally important for your survival. Careful implementation of what you learn will help see you through to the end of the invasive examination techniques with little harm; we cannot promise none, but we can promise that it will not be painful.
Let us now focus on your mental well-being. It is important that you are in the right frame of mind when the examination begins. The wrong state of mind will only detain you for longer, and no one wishes to stay in the Advanced Studies Lab for longer than is necessary. So let us now focus on hope and the future, because if you comply with my words you will still have one.
Close your eyes. You can do this now, because you no longer need them to read words on a page. Ignore the ministrations of your security nurse. Whilst you are undergoing this mental exercise, she will clean your skin and check your vitals, nothing more. So long as the audiobook was started at the correct time, we will be finished with this exercise before anything intensive happens.
Breathe in deeply, through your nose. Let the air fill your lungs, swirl up through your chest, up behind your eyes, and into your mind. Feel it pass down, through your lungs, into your stomach, down and into your legs, into your feet, beneath your feet and below into the ground.
Breathe out. Feel the bad air draw up from your limbs, through your stomach, back into your lungs, and out through your mouth. Again, breathe in.
Imagine the air is cold and crisp. You are outside in a city, but not like that your ancestors once knew. What little pollution you breathe in is a leftover from the climate wars of the Overturn. There are no cars in the wide streets of the city, only ponies, some dragging carts behind them. Others mingle, talk, smile, and laugh.
See a group of ponies sat at a café outside. They pass a single gourd-shaped cup between them. It is mate, a South American drink, sometimes called the Drink of Friendship. It is not coffee, not decent coffee anyway, as the plant species that provided the most aromatic beans was wiped out during the Overturn. The ponies drink mate from the same cup, through the same silver straw. Mate is a social drink. Friends all share the same cup, the same straw, and the same dried yerba mate leaves. Are there any friends you might be able to drink mate with? Think about the friends you made within the walls of the Friendship Institute. Remember what they look like.
Open your eyes. Look around you. What do you see?
The walls are white and clean, sterile even. There are no shadows. In the corner, underneath the security camera, is a sink with a cabinet underneath it. There is a clock on the wall; it should read 04:12. This is not the afternoon, as all clocks in the Friendship Institute are twenty-four-hour clocks; it is late or very early.
Next to you should be a medical trolley on which is gauze, a syringe, two vials, a scalpel, and a bottle of iodine. The security nurse has not told you about these, as it is normal for the audiobook to describe them to you. See the vial containing blue diamond-shaped lozenges? That one is your pre-dose medication, designed to enhance the effect of the injections that are administered to all those undergoing invasive techniques. These shots will numb you and relax your muscles; the doses are calculated to help you ignore the whine of drills and saws, and the feelings they can create inside of you.
Breathe in, and out. Remain calm.
If proper procedure has been followed, invasive techniques should not have begun yet, and you should be alone with only the security nurse for company. Please thank her for taking good care of you. Though you are now in a less than ideal predicament, it would not do for you to forget your lessons on kindness. It would not do to forget anything you were asked to remember in prior chapters. Therefore, please thank her for her work.
Do you recognise her, by the way? Take a good hard look at the security nurse. Does she seem familiar? Do all ponies still look alike to you, or is she really somepony you’ve met before? Perhaps you’ve spoken to her before or shared your lunch with her at one point, say, at 12:13. Is it her? Is it the same pony you spoke with at length, chatting and laughing?
I would argue not. It would be a gross breach of security protocol if she were. If you think you recognise her, perhaps you are mistaken.
Remember to breathe. It is important that you breathe correctly whilst you are here in the Advanced Studies Lab. I cannot stress this enough. You must breathe correctly. This is a place of calm. You must be calm.
Close your eyes. Envision the street from the previous mental exercise. Remember how you walked past ponies chatting with one another, over a shared gourd of mate.
On the other side of the street to your left are five doors. Imagine entering the second door you come across, that is, the second shop. You are in a hurry, but you must not rush, as that is how one makes mistakes. Pace yourself. From the moment you walk through the door, start counting the seconds. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, and so on. As you count, find a stall to try out some clothes in. Hasten, but do not rush. You have one hundred and thirty-three seconds, and when you’re done counting, you leave.
You do not pay for any clothing; there is nothing you like, and nothing that is suitable. You walk back out into the street. Imagine yourself walking out of that shop confidently, as if nothing was wrong. You walk out proudly, head held high. You walk past the third and fourth shop, before opening the fifth door.
On the other side is a stairwell that leads only upwards. As you walk up them, you count with each step: one, two, three, four, and so on, until you reach twenty. You do not ascend any higher. Here, you find yourself amongst many ponies. They shuffle along slowly, their eyes downcast and hazy. You move amongst them at a normal gait, yet they move so slowly that it is almost as if time has frozen around you. Do not stare. Keep your eyes focused ahead. You are not special; that is, you are remarkable only in the sense that all people and ponies are unique individuals, and in that sense, you are not special. You will not draw attention to yourself; you are one of many.
Even so, one pony notices you. She stands there and looks straight at you. There are no sunglasses, and her lips curl into a friendly smile. You recognise her as a friend; you have seen her before. This pony, one of the three tribes, is kind and generous; she sees you for who you are: a peaceful person, a friendly person, a loyal person. You greet her with a nuzzle, and she whispers a greeting into your ear.
Are you breathing? You must remember to breathe. Not like those who walk around you with parted lips. Breathe through your nose. Take deep breaths. You must be calm. The Advanced Studies Lab is a place of calm.
There will come a time when this calm is unwanted, when you will need to make your heart race. You will know when that time is, and when it comes, you will breathe in short sharp breaths. Quickly! In-out, in-out, in-out, pause. Such breathing patterns are not normal, they are not calming, they will help you become more alert. But not now. For now, I want you to breathe calmly and slowly.
At this point, the security nurse should be giving you the blue lozenge. She has no choice in the matter. Neither do you, save for one: you can take the drug with or without water. I would advise you leave the water alone. The lozenge, which has a metallic taste, should numb your mouth and limit your salivation, if swallowed. Without water, the drug will be hard to ingest, but your mouth will remain dry. The technicians will need to insert instruments into your mouth as a part of the invasive examination techniques, and it would be kind of you not to get such expensive equipment wet, I guess.
Let the security nurse check to see if you have swallowed the tablet. She should check, and she should look thoroughly. Do not resist her. She will not judge you. We all make mistakes.
Once she is done, look up. There is a camera in the corner of the room, as there is a camera in all the rooms of the Friendship Institute. It sees you, like it has always seen you since you set foot within these walls. The camera sees a lot: you, the security nurse, what is on top of the trolley, the metal table you are strapped on, and what is behind it.
Listen. Remember. Implement.
This camera is joined to a network of others. It allows watchful eyes to see all that moves. Eyes watch people and ponies clad in white with thin slippers, they see them shuffle with downcast hazy, they see Princess Twilight move amongst them, having entered the Friendship Institute at 04:00 exactly. None of the inpatients notice her, but the wardens and security nurses do; they dip their heads in a gentle bow, almost as if about to fall asleep.
The cameras, wardens and security nurses, watch as Princess Twilight moves through the crowd of insensate ponies alone. Her Highness does not need escorts, not here; a spell has been built into the structure to dull most magics save for basic telekinesis. Were it not for that, Twilight would have teleported to the Advanced Studies Lab straight away. As it is, she must walk there, taking her sixteen minutes in total. She may or may not stop for a bathroom break in that final stretch. From your perspective, it is in the second door on your left.
Look at the clock. Notice the time. It is 04:15 right now, or at least, it should be if this audiobook was started on time.
As there is little time left before Princess Twilight arrives to bore you—that is, with a drill—the security nurse will already be giving you the first injection. There will be two: one in each arm. Once again, I must stress that the security nurse has no choice in the matter. Please do not blame her. She is only doing what she must.
In a few moments, you should begin to lose feeling in your arms and hands. It should not take long before you lose feeling in your legs as well. You should soon be like a helpless new-born infant. Knowing this, the security nurse will untie you to improve circulation, so that the drug can take full effect.
The last dosage of medicine is in the cabinet underneath the sink. Do you see it? The syringe has a skinnier, longer needle. The security nurse will administer this last one via a vein in the neck.
You must not stop her from doing so.
Are you breathing? It is important that you are breathing. Short, sharp breaths now. In-out, in-out, in-out, then pause. Then repeat. You need to be alert, because we shall soon engage in a physical exercise to ensure you have good blood flow. It is important, now, for your blood to flow freely without interference.
Listen. Practice. Implement.
At this point, the security nurse should be retrieving the syringe, and because the audiobook is being played aloud, Princess Twilight may be confused as to why I would need to make such a pronouncement. I shall explain with the following sentence.
Do you see a rabbit?
Whilst the Princess is distracted by your lagomorph friend, implement my instructions.
Spit lozenge into right hand. Right hand on trolley. Seize gauze. Sit up. Lift body with arms, with one hand firmly on table. Raise legs and swing them towards Twilight. Hurl yourself at her and press her against cabinet. Put lozenge into Twilight’s mouth and hold gauze over her muzzle.
Breathe! In-out, in-out, in-out! Repeat!
Take syringe from cabinet. Plunge it into her neck.
Breathe! Everyone breathe; it is important that everyone remembers to breathe!
I hope I have timed this correctly. Oh, how I pray—to whatever benevolent force that still exists—that I have! If everything has been timed correctly, Twilight should be unconscious. You are probably not fine, but you are, at least, not alone. If I have timed this correctly, you should receive help quite soon.
If my timing was off, then the security nurse has already tied you back down—or worse—and has alerted the Friendship Institute’s wardens. Please forgive her, Alice, if that is the case; the security nurse is only doing her job.
Presuming my timing is correct, you have much left to do. Remember what I have taught you. I have given you everything you need to escape.
Meet the smiling pony.
Alice, can you move? Can you hear my voice?
Meet the smiling pony!
Alice!