Too Far
Diamond Tiara walked angrily through the woods, her rage barely contained.
Stupid blank flanks she thought to herself, her brow tensing as she walked. It’s bad enough I have to go to school with those idiots, but now....NOW they may wreck my summer vacation too!?
The rich filly thought back to that morning. Her father had announced that Diamond Tiara would be taking a trip to Canterlot for a foal educational camp. The filly did not care for the educational part of things, but to get to spend a week in Canterlot would be worth the pain.
And then she went to school, and discovered the fail mark crusaders were going to the same camp.
“AAARGH!” Diamond Tiara screamed as memories filled her head. I wish those idiots would never bother me again!
“Whatcha yelling bout?” a familiar southern drawl came to Diamond Tiara’s ears.
Diamond Tiara glanced around. She had somehow, in her rage, had traveled out of the town proper and by the lake that lay just outside of town.
But something there was new: A giant (shoddily constructed) ramp and a giant hoop, which was right in front of the ramp. Diamond Tiara wasn’t an expert or anything on how ramps worked, but it appeared that one could go down the ramp, through the hoop, and land in the lake.
And, as sure as Celestia would raise the sun, whenever anything odd was happening in town, those three were there, climbing a ladder to the top of the ramp, where a small cart, just big enough to fit three ponies, waited.
“What are you blank flanks doing?” Diamond Tiara asked, doing nothing to hide her anger.
Diamond Tiara observed the prissy little unicorn of the group flinch at Diamond Tiara’s words, just as she should. “W-we’re just trying to get our extreme sports cutie mark." she said weakly.
“YEAH!” the loud pegasus yelled. “Behold as our crusade gives us the awesomest cutie marks EVER!”
Diamond Tiara covered her ears, knowing full well what came next.
“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS EXTREME SPORTSMARES! YAY!!!”
And the three of them continued up the ladder.
Diamond Tiara growled, and yelled “HA! I bet you end up crashing, you dirty blank flanks!”
The crusaders ignore the jeers and kept climbing.
Diamond Tiara was about to leave, but then she noticed something: Part of the ramp, which already appeared to be constructed by somepony (or three) that knew nothing about construction, looked particularly shoddy. It looked as if a single kick from a strong stallion could bring the entire ramp down.
Or a kick from a small filly could make the ramp a wee bit dangerous to use.
A wicked smile came to Diamond Tiara’s face. She looked up to the top of the ramp, spying the idiots arguing about who would get to sit in the front of the cart. The rich filly breathed in deeply, focusing all of her strength.
And with all the strength she could muster, she bucked the ramp.
Diamond Tiara laughed to herself as she stepped away from the disaster waiting to happen.
I can picture it now...the fools go down the ramp, the ramp falls apart, and I get to laugh at their continual failure...Life is good.
She sat down, resting against a tree, and watched. Soon enough, the crusaders were all sitting in the cart, and they pushed off, heading down the ramp.
And as predicted, everything fell apart. The ramp began to wobble, unable to stand with the added weight a motion of the cart upon it. And quickly, the whole ramp came down, the crusaders caught in the chaos.
“HA!” Diamond Tiara began to laugh as she stood up, walking towards the wreckage. “I told you blank flanks it wouldn’t work! It seems at this rate you’ll all be old grandmas with butts as blank as your brains! HA!” she boasted, laughing all the while.
She continued to laugh and laugh.
And a horrible sense of dread came to her as she realized that, not only were the not responding to her jeers, but they had not yet climbed out of the wreckage. In fact, Diamond Tiara didn’t have any idea if they were ok.
Diamond Tiara ran to the wreckage, her eye looking every which way, hoping to see a sign of the three ponies. After a solid minutes of searching, she saw the cart the three were riding, part of it smashed by running into a nearby tree. And close to that.....
Diamond Tiara felt heart jump as she saw the three of them lying on the ground. Please be ok, please be ok...
And when she stalked closer, she saw a sight she would never forget.
Apple Bloom, her back legs bending a way that nature never intended.
Sweetie Belle, her horn lying a few feet away from the unicorn it was supposed to be connected to.
And Scootaloo, a giant gash on her head, deep enough to-
Diamond Tiara struggled very hard to not expel her lunch at the sight. I need to get help.
“Help! Somepony! We need a doctor!” Diamond Tiara yelled as she ran back to town.
____________________________________________________
There were five ponies in the waiting room in the hospital.
The first was an orange earth pony wearing a stetson atop her head. The older sister of Apple Bloom
The second and third ponies, who kept whispering words of comfort to each other, were two white furred unicorns. Sweetie Belle’s parents.
And the fourth, a pegasus with messy purple hair and dark black fur. Diamond Tiara didn’t recognize the mare, but could only assume that she was Scootaloo’s mother.
And the the final pony was a pink earth pony filly with a tiara upon her head. Diamond Tiara had come along, partly out of guilt, but mainly because the ponies who had brought the ambulance wagon had asked the young filly, as the one who saw the scene, to come along. One of them had questioned her about what had happened during the fast ride to the hospital.
She had not revealed her role in the accident. Only that the three fillies were going down a ramp, and everything went wrong. During the ride over, she had made a point to not let her eyes fall upon the three ponies, lying on stretchers in the back.
And in the waiting room, Diamond Tiara make the same effort to not look at the anxious family members, all clearly preparing themselves for the worst.
It felt like hours until the double doors, leading to the emergency room, swung open. A doctor, his mane immaculately combed, and a calm look on his face. The concerned ponies all looked up. The room was oppressively quiet for a few moments.
“They’ll be fine. They’re resting right now, but you can visit them right now if you wish.”
There was a collective sigh of relief, as the four adults followed the doctor to the room housing the injured.
Diamond Tiara remained sitting for a few seconds, then slowly followed. I need to see they’re ok. If they’re ok, then it means I have nothing to feel guilty about
____________________________________________________________
The Cutie Mark Crusaders were not ok.
Apple Bloom's entire bottom half was wrapped up in bandage, with splints keeping her legs still and going the right way.
Sweetie Belle’s horn seemed to be kept attached by a weird goopy substance, though it looked as if a pony could simply pull the horn off if they really wanted. And attached to the tip of the horn was a wire which itself was connected to a machine that seemed to be beeping.
And Scootaloo’s head was bandaged heavily, an oxygen mask over her mouth.
Diamond Tiara instantly regretted seeing them. In fact, she regretted this entire day. ...This shouldn’t have happened...I never liked them, but nopony deserves this...I...I...
Caught up in her thoughts, Diamond Tiara walked out of the room, her knees violently shaking with each step. Right outside, there was a chair, which she immediately slumped into. She tried to calm herself down, but all attempts proved fruitless.
It was a mere two minutes after her exit when somepony else exited the room: the black furred pony that Diamond Tiara assumed was Scootaloo’s mother. “You...are the one that found my daughter and told everypony what happened, yes?” she asked.
No, I’m the one who sent Scootaloo here. “Yeah, I saw what happened and yelled for help.” Diamond Tiara nodded, keeping her thoughts to herself.
Diamond Tiara then felt herself pulled into a tight hug. “Thank you. The doctor said that if Scootaloo had been out there for much longer.....” the mare sniffed a bit, holding back the torrent of tears that threatened to come from her eyes. “...You saved Scootaloo’s life....I don’t know what I would have done if...if...” Diamond Tiara felt one more squeeze from the mare before she broke the hug. “Thank you.”
I don’t deserve your thanks. “You’re welcome.”
_____________________________________________________________________________
It had been a month since the accident. It was the last day of the school year, usually a day of merriment. But the mood in the classroom had been how it had been every day for the past month: sad. The three empty seats, which the Cutie Mark Crusaders usually sat at, were still empty.
And whenever Diamond Tiara saw the empty seats, it was a harsh reminder that it was her fault they were empty. That it was her fault that the three of them were still asleep. The tiara wearing filly was just glad that, after school, she would be taking the train to Canterlot. A full week away from Ponyville. Away from the constant reminders. From the gratitude she did not deserve but was no less receiving from the friends and family of those three.
And the lies. Whether it be family, friends, adults, foals, she was sick of the lies.
Even when she had talked to Silver Spoon and was ready to tell everything...
“I heard around town what happened to those blank flanks...nopony deserves anything like that.”
Diamond Tiara shook the memory from her head. Just make it to the end of the day. Then you’ll be in Canterlot, and you’ll be fine. Everything will be just fine.
Any semblance of safety she may have had was shattered by a soft knocking at the door of the schoolhouse, and a mare in a nurse outfit walked into the room.
Diamond Tiara’s eyes never left the medical pony as she quietly whispered something to Cheerilee. Diamond Tiara saw a wide smile come to her teacher’s face and tears to her eyes.
“My little ponies...Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo have woken up. And we can go visit.”
________________________________________________________________________
Diamond Tiara was shaking. She stood at the back of the room, behind all of her classmates, who were thankfully keeping the attention of the injured ponies. Luckily, they payed no attention to the tiara wearing filly, the three of them content to catch up with the rest of the class and their teacher.
Until everypony was about to leave.
“Hey Diamond Tiara, could we talk to you for a second?” Scootaloo asked, catching her right as she was about to walk out the door. Diamond Tiara gulped, turning around to face them. Diamond Tiara was only vaguely aware of her teacher saying something about taking all the time she needed before she left the room, leaving the rich earth filly along with the three hospitalized fillies.
Sweetie Belle took in a deep breath. “Diamond Tiara, we...” She trailed off, before taking another breath. “...We're sorry” she finally said, in a genuine tone of voice that seemed to echo.
“What?” Diamond Tiara asked.
“...It's our fault that you’re in this state.” Scootaloo whispered, the echo becoming stronger.
“What are you talking about!? It’s my fault you three are hurt. You shouldn’t be apologizing to me, you stupid blank flanks!”
“Ah always wished you wouldn’t bother us ever again, but this just ain’t right” Applebloom’s voice echoed. “We’re sorry.”
“STOP APOLOGIZING!!!!!!”
__________________________________________________________________________
Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo were visiting the hospital again, as they had been every day for the past month. Ever since their shoddily built ramp had collapsed right on top of their would be bully, they had put a stop to any crusading abilities.
All they wanted was for Diamond Tiara to wake up. The usually confident filly was a wreck as she lay in her bed, bandages coating her body, a mask strapped over her mouth helping her breathe.
“...We're sorry...”
___________________________________________________________________________
“...We're sorry...”
“I SAID STOP! IT’S MY FAULT YOU STUPID BLANK FLANKS NEARLY DIED IN YOUR INEFFECTUAL CRUSADE FOR YOUR LAME BUTT MARKS! YOU THREE SHOULD NOT BE APOLOGIZING!”
The three injured fillies stared back, nothing but silence their answer.
“THIS IS ALL MY FAULT! AND...and...I’m sorry. For everything. All I’ve done ever since we’ve met is been mean. And for what? For my own self esteem?” Tears began to fill her eyes. “I...You...It should be me in the hospital, not you.”
Diamond Tiara’s breathing was ragged after her yelling. But she took one more breath and screamed.
____________________________________________________________________________
“I”M SORRY!!!”
Diamond Tiara screamed, sitting up in the hospital bed she was lieing in, as a sharp pain seemed to run through her entire body. She groaned in pain, wondering why she suddenly hurt so badly, collapsing back onto the bed.
She suddenly became aware of three things. She was in pain, she was lieing in a bed, and three perfectly healthy crusaders were looking at her, tears in their eyes, smiles on their faces.
“SHE’S AWAKE!!!!”
Diamond Tiara winced under the combined volume of their yell. Despite that, a question nagged at the back her mind.
“Wh-what happened?” Diamond Tiara groaned.
Three fillies suddenly went very quiet. “O-our ramp...it broke, and...it fell on you,” Sweetie Belle admitted. “We thought you might’ve...You’ve been asleep for a month now.”
The other two muttered apologies.
“And none of you were hurt?”
“No. W-we weren’t hurt at all." Scootaloo said.
Diamond Tiara took a breath, her previous discomfort forgotten.
“So...thanks to YOUR stupid ramp, I’m stuck in a hospital for an entire month, and YOU three can go along and play and be happy while I’M stuck her rotting away!?”
The cutie mark crusaders suddenly began to threat under the angry gaze Diamond Tiara affixed them with. All they could do was nod.
“...come closer," Diamond Tiara said through gritted teeth.
They didn’t move.
“...NOW!"
The crusaders were instantly right next to Diamond Tiara. The injured filly lifted a bandaged hoof in the air.
She lowered her hoof slowly, draping her leg across the fillies in as tight of a hug as she could manage in her state.
“...Hey, wanna be friends?”
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Wow, I... well, I wasn't expecting it to get nearly so dark.
First the bad: to be perfectly honest a part of me wanted to just stop reading the moment the injuries were first revealed. That part of me only got louder at the hospital as the injuries were confirmed to be just as serious as they first look (though mercifully not fatal), and louder still as the CMC ended up comatose for a month. I literally had to force myself to keep reading throughout all of this. The reversal at the end made nothing better either. It just meant now I had to go through all the same unsettling emotions all over again.
Now for the good: I really liked how you captured Diamond Tiara's guilt over causing the CMC's injuries, how it only cut into her twice as deep once as every pony started thanking her for having "saved" their lives, live she was responsible for endangering in the first place, and yet through it all she kept up her own superficial pretenses, dodging punishment for her crime, but still crushed under her own guilt all leading up to confrontation at the hospital where having the CMC themselves now thanking her as well was finally one straw of guilt too much.
Next, the indeterminate: I'm really just not sure what to make of the reversal reveal, that it had actually been Tiara who had been severely injured and that she'd just been dreaming all the guilt. It's a twist all right, and I suppose it serves as an effective setup for Tiara's own redemption without her actually having to bear any weight of sin, it might even be inspirationally up lifting, a salvatory light at the end of the bleak tunnel that is the rest of the fic, but... well I... I just don't know, I guess.
So how does this all add up?
Personally I think the summary could do with a better up front warning so that readers know what they are getting themselves into. Like I said, I had to force myself to finish this and a large part of that was due to being blindsided by the deadly serious nature of the injuries. If nothing else I strongly think that either the DARK and/or GORE tags should be added. Also, well... I'm just not sure what purpose this fic is meat to severe. Granted that's sort of a useless question to ask – are will be what it will be, and usually it's usually enough to just leave it at that, a product of artistic inspiration.
Still, this fic also feel a bit wastefully irreverent, like it's something that should have been longer and more involved so as to fully flesh out all the weighty emotions it dredges up... but on the other hand, I'm not sure I would have been able to force myself to finish this fic if it where any longer. Again though, most of that is because I wasn't prepared for such a grim fic when I sat down and started reading.
...
Oh, and one more thing.
Sweetie Belle's mom is pink, unless the pair was actually Rarity and their dad, and Tiara is just mistakenly guessing at them both being her parents. Granted, the whole thing is ultimately a dream anyway so I guess it can just be written off as a product of Tiara's own delusional imaginings. As far as I could notice though, it was the only such non-factual detail, so if the error was an intentional attempt to provide an early clue to the reader it loses effectiveness form being isolated. Unless I just missed any other subtle hints along the way.
I have a feeling it broke because she kicked it anyway, so still no pity for Di here - but you'd think Silvy or her Dad would be around somewhere too....
Wasn't expecting that! Great story! Sweetie Belle's horn injury really squicked me out, though. :)
M. Night SHóhyalaman would be proud of you, Blackbelt. Wat ey tweest!
Also, lying, not lieing. Thumbs up.
Tragedy tag?
2383753
As per the site FAQ, the tragedy tag is for stories with a "tragic" ending, where despite the character's best efforts things always end badly. This story is rather heavy, but the ending is ultimately quite uplifting.
Also, as per the FAQ, I'm going to have to retract my own previous suggestion that there should be a dark tag, as there isn't really any moral corruption or horror elements, and while there is injury, there really isn't all that much violence. Although I still maintain a gore tag would be in order as the injuries the CMC are described sustaining are pretty gruesome. It might be fairly mild gore, but that's because it's only a T-level fic, not M-level.
"Dark black" is redundant. Any tone that is not black is grey. Maybe you meant "dark grey"?.
Then there's satin black (very glossy) and velvet black (no gloss).
#FEELS
I don't really know what to feel after reading this but I got the message as to what it represents.
Lovely.
Okay, did not see that twist coming. Or the very end.
I really felt DT's guilt, there.
Wow.
A nice dose of DT cuteness. Have a
and a thumbs up.
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh okay then yup did not see that coming
RIght in the feels... D:
Whoa, nice little twist there. Nice story!
Awwww that was so sweet! I nearly cried at the end.
Quite a bittersweet ending
D'awwwww
The five stages of going too far: Anger -> Injury -> Guilt -> Reversal -> Friendship.
Diamond Tiara started out this story in the woods. I have no idea why she was in the woods, but I'm sure she much preferred the woods to the hospital. The conflict really was a case of simply going too far. It wasn't even a matter of warranted "going too far". It was just a product of ignorant childishness. That's a nice touch of realism, which always fitting for a sad story.
I was pleasantly surprised that the plot twist occurred the way it did and Diamond was the one to get hurt. If it happened the normal expected way, this would most likely have concluded with one of those telltale heart Diamond Tiara-gets-hated-by-everyone endings. With the way this one ended, there was room for growth, understanding, and a touch more sadness before actually ending with some optimism.
Technical aspects could use some refinement, mostly with simple phrases like 'DIamond Tiara' and 'She had, in her rage, had traveled'. These things can easily be fixed. It's the content that determines a story's quality, and this one has substance. I'd call this story an upside-down strawberry ice cream cone on top of a rightside-up strawberry ice cream cone. Something seems off at first, and it gets a bit messy, but then it all makes sense when you realize the truth.
Make the most!
Rushed, a few grammar errors but good.
My rating:
...holy crow...
Ok, not gunna lie, when I saw this, I was just looking in for a lark. Wondered if Diamond Tiara would finally wake-up from being self-important and such. What I got, was a journey into a young filly's mind! In a way, seeing her guilt transforming her over the course of a month, and at the end, her wish to switch places with the Crusaders could be seen as the same wish anyone who's been in that position...and her actually getting it.
Her reaction was, to be honest, the best way this fic could end. It not only makes sense to me, but above all else, it showed a growth of her character in a way I see in few other fics I've read. I applaud your bold move in making this, and encourage your future works.
W-woah.
This... this is.... THIS IS!!!
I would have loved to see this expanded upon a bit more.
Concept is gold, execution is great, it just feels a little short and the ending... I just feel like you ended it a bit suddenly.
I've never been a fan of the one-shot mentality, and I can see a few places where you could have turned this into a fairly epic multi-chapter drama, but for a one-shot, it's well constructed and it certainly has an impact.
A lot of the comments above have said most of the praises I'd give it, but I would have liked to see it unfold a bit more slowly. That being said, upvote + fav
Ok, this was pretty fucking good.
One thing:
Lowercase I
Fuck Yeah.
A, as in one, manly tear was shed
SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT
I honestly don't know what to think of the twist.
It's nice, but doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Where does dream separate from reality? Tiara would have had to think about the consequences of her kick prior to getting injured, whereas here she only realizes her error once she doesn't hear the crusaders...because she's unconscious! 
And then her imagination would come to the most logical conclusion: that the crusaders were seriously hurt! Okay, plot hole filled, nevermind! 
2395083
It sounds sort of similar to this scene:
Took me a while to figure what was going on when you said that the CMC visited the hospital, then I was all
OHHH!!
Pretty good story!
What a
!
This is...
Just...
i cried a bit at the end.
thanks freind, i needed one of these today.
Happy Endings are always nice.
That was beautiful. Short but I loved it.
That was.. beautiful... I cried at the end...
2395035
You like filling plot holes, doncha?
The writing could use some refining, BUT the premise and twist are great regardless. That was really not the direction I expected things to go, and I like that.
2404397 Whatever do you mean?
Plot holes need to be filled! While unfilled, there is a distinct drop in the pleasure derived from a tale.
...wait...
2405436
yeeeah, talk dirty to me
2405436
....wait, what do you mean it went somewhere horrible? :-/
All I see is a possible reference to sex, which....doesn't actually strike me as horrible :-/
i814.photobucket.com/albums/zz64/Kemisz86/Waht20a20twist.jpg
Ok I did not see the ending coming.
Man, I didn't see that coming
Have a like, you deserve it ^^
You know, I could go for more of this. Any chance of a sequel, or even an expanded story?
loved it and I normally hate M. Night twist moments
Not bad at all!! I didn't like the complete lack of foreshadowing (dreams and hallucinations usually don’t make much sense when examined closer), but I suppose it did contribute to the impact at the end.
my reaction to the plot twist and ending
did not see that twist coming.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mb58p6iFDa1qi3s12.gif
great story.
GREAT STORY
I did not see that coming!
this is like frozen...
Plot twist!