Discord is a new draconequus now, and sworn to use his powers only for good, but that doesn't mean he can't still have some chaotic fun while on the job. Tasked with helping to reform a pair of thieves hiding out in an abandoned apartment building, the Spirit of Chaos decides to make a game of it. Two lost souls find their lives on the line as they gamble their freedom in a battle of wits against a grand master, in his own House of Chaos.
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I've only read the description and it's already beautiful.
Oh boy, this sounds really interesting!
Another for my favorites list. Bravo!
This is getting really interesting... CONTINUE!!!!
This sounds like its gonna' jump off the tracks and go nuts, kinda like 'Human' let's sww where this goes!
-Mis
This setting leaves a lot of room for DannyJ-ness, and I'm going to love it.
This...this is gonna be goooood.
Also, gratz on EQD
2340213
Thanks.
The exposition is full of adverbs, which is lazy writing, not to mention rather dry (with Discord's being of special note for the lack of imaginative writing techniques). The dialogue is stiff and unconvincing and manages to be outright contradictory at points (my favourite one is: "Hey!" Mask whispered, "Careful! Somepony'll hear!" Whispering and exclamation marks don't really go together). The chapter cuts off before anything of actual interest occurs, which is as teasing as a hooker in tattered leg stockings and too much make-up. To your credit, I didn't spot any out-and-out grammar mistakes (I must mention I was skimming by the half-way point, though) and the idea behind it is solid enough.
All in all, mediocre at best. The only reason I opened it was because of the pre-reader comment on EqD, and I must say that I won't be putting much stock into theirs now.
hmmmm, the writing does seem a little shallow considering the fact that EqD recommended it, however I love the whole Discord idea and really can't wait for the actual game which you obviously just left out to cause me to rip out my hair
Good idea for a story
Very interesting. Congrates on making EQD by the way. Been trying to get on there myself for awhile now and they can be very picky.
Anyways, I look forward to the coming chapters.
Can't wait for more, it seems like a brilliant setting.
Why do I have the feeling this is going to be saw with a confess to escape option?
Hah, this kind of reminds me of the creepy hotel episode of Dr. Who, if you've ever seen that show.
A lot of different directions this could go. I shall continue to follow it.
2542996
I was thinking the exact same thing, especially with the way that Mask and Shady got sent there by a near omnipotent and somewhat crazy being.
I hope this doesn't turn out like 1408
2542996 Even has a minotaur character! Heh.
This is very interesting.
the minotaur is riffling through his draws? You sure you don't mean drawers?
2547186
Jesus, I can't believe I missed that. Thanks.
Oh man, this is still awesome. My only qualm is the constant paragraph breaks; there seem to be a lot of places where what could easily be a single paragraph is broken into three or more. It's not a big deal, and this is more a stylistic thing, but I feel that it would be easier to read as one continuous stream of text with fewer separate paragraphs.
Other than that, I can't wait for more! In the space of this chapter we've gotten an amicable minotaur janitor and a hilariously bi-polar boss – what's next?
–[A]n angry looking unicorn walked in levitating a phone almost identical to the janitor's next to him. It had a long cord trailing behind it back into the elevator, which rose up and through a grate in the elevator's roof to somewhere above.
Little lines like these are so giggle-worthy.
Time travel? Nice touch.
ahh, discord! where have you been? glad to see you, old friend!
yay! a minotuar! they dont get enough love.
This shows promise. And I love seeing reformed but still rather cruel Discord, you write him very well.
One thing though, and that might just be me who's odd, but you shouldn't need to use caps for yelling. That's what the expression "shouting" that you use anyway is for. Describe that he is shouting and exactly how loud he is, that will make your writing better. If you ask me.
Eagerly awaiting your next chapter.
i was thinking god complex for a little bit.... huh
As much as I hate to admit it, I'm liking this story more than Human. Mostly because Discord is best pony.
...What's that? Discord's not a pony at all?
FUCK YOU, HE'S BEST PONY ANYWAY!
images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/32100000/DISCORD-discord-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-32193682-900-2342.jpg
When I look at you cover picture, I think: "Meth, not even once"
Paradoxically amazing.
Ooooo, intriguing!
Things that you shouldn't fuck with: time, parallel universes, Satan, and Discord. By the time this story ends, I feel like Shady and Mask will thoroughly mess with all of those.
The odd thing is the the less chaotic paradox is obvious, the closed time loop is in many ways incredibly ordered, an exact series of events occurring in a perfectly set pattern without deviation, the broken time loop is the shattering of said order to allow for a myriad of unknowable possibilities.
Yes! It updated!
This story is well written, has an intriguing premise, and is now adding time-paradoxes to the list of things it has going for it. This is the sort of story I frequent FiMfiction for. And apparently, it's going to be updating regularly in the future. Keep it up!
Paradoxes? Cool
:
Ok, this story is awesome so far. That time travel bit made my brain hurt though.
Fav'd so freaking hard. Coming form a Homestuck/Doctor Who double time shenanigans x2 combob background... thing, I am absolutely loving the setup you have here.
Oh, this is gonna be confusing. But you manage it really well and your writing is excellent.
And I love the fact that your Discord has decided on reforming them through mildly terrifying time shenanigans. I keep thinking of haunted hotels as I read this story. That's an oddly great atmosphere you have going.
Oh yeah, I read something about this. Lessee... HERE IT IS!
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lrc1bcp7y81qj0j1y.gif
Wow, the time paradox is certainly a fascinating addition to the story. It opens up a whole new side to the story; a more serious one, to be sure. Also, I find myself liking Axe Grind.
It was worth the wait for this chapter. I really enjoy this story, and I shall patiently wait for more!
I knew as soon that I read in the last chapter that there was no elevator in the future there would something happen to destroy it in the hotel. Cause if it still existed in the Apartments they would see it in the Present.
It's also funny how the knowledge of Discord is woven through the history of the building. The ponies in the Hospital probably will know about Discord, in the Hotel only a few know, in the Apartments Discord is completely forgotten and when it's Abandoned everpony knows about Discord again. But now I'm wondering, are they also going to the future of the building? When there is build something new or even further when they are the last 2 ponies on the planet and the terrain is just a forest/ruin...
"I'm sorry, guys, but you're going to die."
That fucking part. I just lost it. It's just so violent, and so right the fuck out of nowhere. xD
Brilliant.
This getting updated ever again?
4104946
It is, but my update schedule has been slow for a while now and it's low priority. I have a pair of other Discord oneshots on standby, ready to be released as soon as they're done going through editing. Unrelated to this, I also have to edit the first chapter of my other story, Van Helsing, which has been waiting FOREVER for an update, and of course, I can't neglect the big stories that got me all my followers in the first place, that being Human and my Fallout fics, some of the latter of which have been waiting even longer than House of Chaos has for an update. The Doctor and the Master I've especially left forgotten for far too long.
4104980 fair enough. I'll be waiting patiently!
Oh, this is just fascinating! I really like where I think this story is going.
*Ahem*
As far as criticism goes... I have none. The story is pretty fantastic so far, and it sounds like it could be a potentially larger story (I do tend to prefer those, so there's a bias for you). Most of the writing seems well formed and I can't think of any mistakes within the last three chapters that were very striking. Your flow is excellent, and the characters already seem to be well-defined as far as their personalities go. Discord, as ever, is staying very much in character and is acting exactly as I pictured he would.
As for my own sneaking suspicions about what is coming next... I feel it could go down either path, with the whole time thing having really happened, or with Dr. Lobe actually just tricking Shady into thinking it happened to get him to think really hard and then act in a way that would seem irrational to an outsider.
So good …
I keep forgetting this story exists.
5876728
What a coincidence! So do I!