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WesFox134


T

Twilight Sparkle, while working with a spell book accidently opens a portal revealing an alternate Equestria where she sees that ponies underwent an different evolutionary branch and technology is slightly more advanced in some areas. However she gets more than she bargained for when she accidently swaps minds with her alternate self. Can both Twilights get used to each other's Equestrias until they find a way back home?

----Notes----
This story does contain Anthro Ponies. As well as some references to some crimes and drunkness.

Picture made by Foxenawolf: http://www.furaffinity.net/user/foxenawolf

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 45 )

A few grammar nitpicks: make sure you stay consistent in verb tense (there's alternation between the usual past tense and some present tense throughout). Also, it's good form to form separate paragraphs when you go from one character talking to another. (I personally prefer attaching that character's other actions to a separate paragraph, too.)

Story's a decent concept to wonder about; does need some polish, though.

I like where this is going.:pinkiesmile: I hope you'll do a quick flashback on what happened before the portal opened on anthro twilights side. I do want to point out that I have no problems with anthro ponies. As long the story is good I'm ok with it. liked and faved:twilightsmile:

1839039 Agreed, it does need a little polish
Still, it's good. You have my follow

Thank you everyone for the comments and criticisms. I will be doing a bit of a rewrite of the first chapter soon. to fix some grammar errors and to pace out the story a bit more.

*whistles* This is pretty damn unique. Haven't seen one that has both canon and anthro verses crossingover. Great start but as the other reviewers have stated you got a lot of polishing to do take bring out the full potential of this story. I look forward to seeing what you will do next.

In the Name of Their Equestriani Majesties,
Celestia's Paladin: Ex Solis et Lunae, Provedntia et Prospartiea.

1846749

Don't worry I'm doing a rewrite of the first chapter soon to pace it out a bit more and to fix some grammatical issues with it.

1846819
That is all I can ask for, your story has great potential. Do not let others tell you different. Plus I look forward to seeing the anthroworld and anthro!Celestia

All right everyone. I did the rewrite of the first chapter of my story, please tell me what you think of it.

Weeeell, I like the concept of the story... but its format and execution are a bit weird to me.

The dialogue format X says "{}{}", may be better than the typical format when there are multiple characters talking. But at the same time it seems weird and adds a lot of unneeded words when only two characters are talking. As seen here:

As Spike then stops laughing he then says, “Well is there anything I can do for you?”. As Twilight says, “No..” right when she said that however her stomach growled a bit and she just says, “Well, can you make me a daffodil sandwich, all of this reading is making me hungry.”. Spike grins and says, “You got it!” as he runs to the kitchen to go and make the sandwich for Twilight.

Also, try to be consistent with the tenses you use.

Twilight smiles as she is about to close the book when she noticed something called, “The Portal of Possibility”. As she read the spell she realized that this would be a complex spell to do. She then puts the book on a stand and then concentrates in the area in front of her. Her horn began to glow with its signature Indigo aura as she started to start the spell. She concentrated hard imagining her magic as a tendril stretching and reaching out into another universe. She feels the tendril of magical energy hook onto a similar area in another universe. As she did so a portal slowly began to open and as it slowly widened she opened her eyes and gasped at what she sees.

Here you use both past and present tense, which is kinda unnerving.

Oh and:

Her horn began to glow with its signature Indigo aura as she started to start the spell.

Started to start :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:
Her horn begins to glow with its signature Indigo aura as she starts casting the spell. Change it to this if you want to be consistent with the present tense.

I shall check the next updates (because the story has potential), but I don't know if I will be able to put up with this (in my opinion) weird format for long :rainbowwild:

Comment posted by WesFox134 deleted Jan 1st, 2013

1883044

Thank you for the criticism on the story. I'll be sure to avoid such mistakes in the future.

One thing I often see people advise is something like one speaker per paragraph.

Rule of dialogue: whenever a new character begins speaking, ALWAYS start a new paragraph.

Example:

"What a fine day," Twilight smiled, gesturing around at the late autumn landscape.
"Sure is," Applejack complied, wrapping an arm around her longtime friend. "Sure is."

This makes it easier for the reader to follow the conversation, as well as avoiding large blocks of text.

1887129
Thanks and I've been doing that when writing the next chapter of this story.

Not bad... Actually, scrap that. This is actually really good. Definitely an interesting concept, and done pretty well too. Can't wait for more.

Great chapter. In regards to the new world it seems to me that it's less of a steampunk universe and more of one with a more advance Victorian era universe, at least that's it to me. And to be honest I find that a lot more fascinating than steampunk. So two people know and Luna is suspects... Luna so I'm guessing in this universe she didn't get a bad case of the crazies and Duchess... not sure about the rank. Still good chapter.

Luna is a female and Celestia is also a female then why did Spike seem offended at the idea of a female leading the nation?
They must some kind of king (or lord) that does not exist in the four hoofed equestria ... :unsuresweetie:
I wonder what kind of pony Luna and Celestia would take orders from ....

1897683

No, Luna and Celestia are very much in control of Equestria. Spike only said that he didn't want Twilight to run the store while talking about those "Fanciful Tales of Other Worlds" because he didn't want Twilight to be taken to an insane asylum or be thought of as starting to lose it.

1898598
I got it backward. It was the anthro Twilight that caused my confusion ...

Twilight says in complete astonishment and almost as if she was insulted, “Princess? PRINCESS?!?! How can a mere Princess rule over the Equestrian Kingdom?”

sorry :raritywink:
I take it that Celestia is not a princess or a duchess.
Maby Equestria can be ruled by a Queen? :trollestia:

1899081
Heheh and it is. Celestia is a Queen in the alternate universe.

Okay, I want to read this. I really do. The premise is quite intrigueing. But there's one problem that ruins it for me: The dialogue. When someone talks, it's supposed to be in a new paragraph. So instead of

"John, why are you naked?" asked Cale. "Because I'm gay. For you!" Shouted John, pouncing.

It's

"John, I'm sorry, I'm not into you." Cale said, struggling to get up.
John then turned into an eldritch monster of your choice.
"If I can't have you, nobody can!" Screamed (insert monster here)

If you can fix that, I'll give this a go.

1907343
Don't worry I'll fix up the first chapter soon.

1907343

And, I fixed the first chapter!

Don't worry, the second chapter has less of those mistakes in it.

Well. You have me interested.So far things seem to be going well, relatively speaking, for Twilight.

I'm thoroughly enjoying this start, though I am curious as to just how different they are physically.

2099764

The Title Picture should give a good indication how different physically they are, seeing how anthro-steam!Twi had to kneel down to get to Pony!Twi's eye level. The anthro ponies in the alternate universe do have more human heights and proportions like Twi is about 5 feet 7 inches (170.18 cm) tall and Princess Luna is about 7 feet 9 inches (236.22 cm) tall. By comparison the regular non-anthro ponies are about 3 feet or so tall.

Twilight runs a library not a bookstore. I wonder why Celestia and Luna aren't both princesses in the other universe and why Luna is only a Duchess.

2136874

Well in the other reality she does run a bookstore.

Okay, I found several problems. First of all, you keep switching between past and present tense. And not just a few times, but in pretty much every paragraph. It's very problematic.

Second, the dialogue. Once Twilight arrives in the other world, she explains to Spike what happened. Or at least, that's what you say happens, except she doesn't.

"'Well I was looking at a book, and I was trying out this spell but then I saw this place inside of the portal and then I saw her walk in or rather me, the other me from this universe and we both gasped at looking at each other and our hooves and claws...'"

See, that actually explains nothing. I'll buy that she said that, she was probably a bit confused, but then Spike acts like he understands everything when he wasn't told anything. Twilight never said she was actually from another world, and I doubt Spike would just assume that.

Then Rarity comes along, they decide to go out for lunch, or dinner, or whatever, and Rarity says she'll catch up. Twilight goes to the pub, and once Rarity arrives, she leaves, basically saying, "fuck you I'm tired." What kind of bullshit is that!?

Actually, why did Twilight even suggest such a thing? You'd think she'd want to lie low for the time being.

Then we have her interaction with Applejack. She seems a bit too accepting when she's told what's going on. But a more natural reaction would be to assume it was some kind of lame joke.

Then, when she turns down Snips and Snails, her dialogue is a bit too formal.

"'No I don’t want to go with you two.'"

What the hell is that!? Something like, 'um, I don't think so,' or 'piss off,' would be more appropriate.

Next, a slight problem with punctuation. You continually end quotes with a period in the quotation mark, and a period outside it. The one outside is actually incorrect. There is only one situation where a quote should end with a punctuation mark outside the the quotation. If it's a question mark (or interrobang) and it's identifying the full sentence, outside the quotation, as a question, and not the quote itself.

Examples:
Did he really say, "you're an asshole"? (CORRECT)
Did he really say, "you're an asshole?" (INCORRECT)
So, I asked him, "what's going on?" (CORRECT)
So, I asked him, "what's going on"? (INCORRECT)

And more than anything, you don't put multiple punctuation marks together.

But you got a good story going. Interested to see where it's heading.

2162459

Yeah I know about many of these problems. I will do a major rewrite of the first two chapters soon. And thank you for the criticism.

2162459

and would you like to be one of my pre-readers for the rewrite of my two chapters?

2162539

Sure, why not. Just give it a round of proofreading yourself or I'll send it back with a note saying to see me after class.

I'm very interested in seeing what this world's version of Rainbow Dash, PInkie Pie, and Fluttershy are like.

It needs work, but I really like what you have so far.

Looking forward to more! :)

2477066

Thank you for the kind compliment. I am going to do a rewrite of both chapters soon. (if I can drag myself away from Second Life and Star Trek Online long enough to do it. XD )

1897294

if memory serves, Dukes and Duchess are right bellow king and queen, usually given to the siblings of the ruling monarch when they come of age

I'm noticing that this story seems to have gone through a number of iterations, dialogue-wise. Well, I'm sorry to say that in the current form, there's still some major flaws with that area (and others, but that's the standout).

Twilight says, “Hey where’s Rainbow Dash, shouldn't she be here?”

Applejack says, “I don’t know but I’m guessing she’s sleeping on a cloud somewhere.”

As Twilight smiled at Pinkie Pie she says, “This is a great picnic you have made, Pinkie.”.

The party pony says, “Thanks, Twilight.” as the lavender unicorn started to eat a sandwich.

Twilight then says, “Well, I don’t know about you gals, but I think today is going to be a good day for me.”

Pinkie says, “Oh? Why?”

Twilight says, “Well, I got a new book from the Canterlot Library, one that just came out.”

Applejack says, “Well that mighty nice and all, but what’s all the excitement about this one Twi?”

The Lavender Unicorn smiles , “Well It’s a collection of passages from the journal of a unicorn wizard called Radgan the Traveler.”

Pinkie Pie just looks at Twilight with an eyebrow raised in confusion, “Who?”.

I'm sorry to say that this is the single most boring exchange I've read in a good long while. You format every single paragraph here the exact same way, and it happens to be one of the least interesting, least informative, and least skillful ways you could have chosen. Where's the narration? Where's body language? Expressions? In only four of these ten paragraphs, that's where—and in just about the most simplistic and mind-numbing form possible. On top of all of that, you incorrectly punctuate both dialogue tags and dialogue in general here and there, you're telly as can be despite how little's actually being told, and the plot isn't even presented in an interesting enough way to make up for any of that.

My advice? Stop just taking people's advice. Actually go read some proper stories, ones either published or simply well-edited, and pay attention. Learn how dialogue is actually done. Learn ways of subtle exposition. Just learn all you care to, before you come back to this.

2483920

Thank you for the criticism. I certainly will take your suggestions and probably read a few books before rewriting this story. I hope that the rewritten version will meet your standards.

This story has been reviewed by: The Equestrian Critics Society

Story Title: A Tale of Two Twilights

Author: WesFox134

Reviewed by: Shahrazad

A Tale of Two Twilights tries to be a character piece about Twilight exploring an alternative universe where the ponies are anthropomorphic. She accidently plays body snatcher with her double, so she fits into the anthropomorphic world seamlessly. It’s a good idea that could go any number of entertaining directions.

Sadly, the story has a number of glaring technical issues: a dearth of description, lavender unicorn syndrome, and repetitive sentence structure. The story has an interesting premise, but a story needs more than a fun idea to bring to life. I have to recommend against this one until there is some major editing work done.

Full Review (spoilers)

Score: 4.5/10

Aww... Maybe the rest of us could think of more.

finally found a story that ahs ponies and anthros interacting ONLY TO FIND OUT ITS CANCELLED

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