Trixie and Twilight are living together in harmony and one night, things turn out a little different then expected, for the better.
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A story written in a day (next to everything else) for one of my, friend Twilight Sparkle. This story was just because I wanted to do something for her, given how she has done so much for me, I thought of returning the favor. Again, not a major story, but more a gift for a wonderful friend.
Chapters (1)
Errrr, okay, I guess. Not bad with imagery.
While I won't downvote it, I can't upvote it at the same time... :/
I guess fer a one-shot quickie, not too bad.
For me personally, though, any relational stuff's gotta have backstory...
Otherwise it feels like "Twi loves Trix, Trix loves Twi, The End."
Kinda left me empty. But still, good job with the environmental setup; gives a fairly good mental picture with only a little exposition.
Maybe a little more work on 3rd omniscient, constructing something of a conflict within their minds?
An unspoken resolve between Twi & Trix, maybe?
1835276 Thank you for the comment darling, but as I stated in the description, this was purely made for my friend who is in a relation with Trixie. Granted I should have gone deeper in the backstory of it all, but didn't thought at it at the time, nor after it sadly.
I swear this same story has been on this site a dozen times already.
Even if the story has been done many times, it never gets old for me. I like to think Trixie is not so stuck up that she can not have a heart and love for others. Just imagine what had to be done to bring out this part of her..... I wonder if they had to bring out the power tools..
1835758 Well as much as that may be true, I created this story for the soul purpose to please a friend of mine, but I release it for the crowd was my decision with no self interest what so ever. Granted the concept gets old over time, I am fully aware of that though.
1835941 You gave me quite the idea here, an idea I would like to work out one day eventually. After all my other stories that are in the wait... but i am glad you liked it my dear. Granted this wasn't as well thought out as some of my other stories, it was still fun to make, plus made a great gift for my friend.
1836278
I can not wait so see what comes of the idea. I might not be a writer but I do like to think up random ideas and such so being able to spark the process of creation in a writer gives me that warm and fuzzy feeling
1836295 Well, you sadly have to wait probably a long time, given the tangled web of WIP's I managed to get myself in. And i suggest just to write the ideas down, expand on them, and before you know, you are having a story of your own.
1836553
I am able to wait for your works I have little else to do other than read stories and goof around
That was a short, cute little fic. There were some repeating mistakes I couldn't get out of my head, though.
For instance...
You use this to describe Trixie. Did you mean to put 'Twixy,' but accidentally put 's'? Or did you actually want the nickname to be like that?
This is something that really bothered me. 'The' doesn't sound proper in either usages. It should be possessive, such as 'their' eyes. The eyes doesn't make any sense, and reads weird. You made this mistake a lot.
This also got me. You do not need two punctuation marks after someone speaks. "The stronger one wins," is some sort of quote that works with this grammar rule. You did this a lot. All you need in this specific example is the exclamation mark, not the comma. If you have a question mark or an exclamation point at the end of a character's dialogue, you don't need a comma too. Just one.
There was a couple of instances that you missed a punctuation mark. For example:
No period.
Anyway, this was an okay story, and probably made a nice gift to your friend. As for your writing, it just needs a little polishing. This story would've been a little more interesting had their been some sort of plot or conflict going on, but it was alright without it. Could've been longer, but still, it was okay. If you remember the things I pointed out, you'll surely improve. (Or get an editor.) Another thing that could help you out is to look over your writing before posting it. Either way, good story!
1878096 I am not going to lie, some of my work indeed needs polishing, by a lot... The nickname is the same name my friend had given Trixie, so as an, no offence, outsider, you won't get it. The other mistakes, I do see where they are coming from, but writing with a comma behind a part of spoken text works better in my eyes, for it shows it is said by the name that follows. It is a little odd at first to read, I can understand that. But that is the why it has been taught me at school.
As for the story itself, there could indeed have been a plot of some kind, but I decided not to. Instead of making it a story, I have decided to make this an event, as it only covers one evening/night. Maybe go deeper into it one day.
I do look over my written work before I post it myself, often resulting in two to four re-read to find every mistake in my eyes. But some, just get missed sadly...
But also, I am glad you enjoyed the story for what it is my dear.
I started reading and got lost in the imagery this would make even aj cry
1903466 That means I did my job well.
I really like the picture you paint and the atmospher you build with these words, BUT thats sadly all you do. build a Stage and but actors on it with nothing to do.
I feel this could be more than a worded painting if you had them do something.
as it stands i feel its a nicely build stage left empty
2571505 I do see the point you are coming from my dear, and I am glad that you share it with me.
That was sweet! (However, a little bit too short for my tastes)
2849507 I'm glad that you enjoyed it for what it is my dear. (True, it's a bit on the short side, but it was all i could push out at the time. Maybe, a possible (spiritual) sequel in due time?)
Not bad. It's cute enough I suppose, and it started off well. There were a number of grammatical errors that I'm sure you'd notice if you read it again carefully, and a couple of odd phrasings as well. Felt like they said 'my love' too often (including in the narration) and it just made it feel kind of unnatural between them. In a real relationship, that kind of constant gooey talk pretty much never happens.
This one is just a personal preference for character, but I feel like Trixie would drop her third person speak around a lover. It's more of a showmanship thing, and dropping that extravagant persona would be a sign of trust and comfort with her companion. Letting her true self show, you know? Could definitely see her using third person from time to time as a joke or for dramatic effect however.
Not going to comment on the plot since it's intended as a snapshot into their lives. Would have liked to see a lot more of their/her internal thoughts throughout the evening instead of a series of events. The smartypants thing was a nice touch. There are a number of nice slice of life romance things like this out there that would be a good reference. Not bad though, good effort.
I was also wondering about that nickname for Trixie since I couldn't really figure out how it could be derived from her name or how it showed endearment. I could see the T from Trixie, and the Twi from Twilight perhaps, but the 'sy'? It sounds more like a nickname for Twilight than Trixie.
I know this is your story, but including inside stuff like this alienates all of your other readers from understanding certain things. Something to keep in mind.
2901963 I can go on for hours and hours about the grammatical part but, I won't. Maybe in the near future I might give it another re-read and fix those bloody errors. Small disadvantage when English is your second language.
As for the 'Twisy' part, the roleplayers this was originally written for/based on (especially Twilight) had that nickname for her. True it is hard to understand and I should have realized that little fact. And I think you have read it like this 'Twi-sy' with two syllables, while it should have been just 'Twisy' with the 's' sounding like a 'c'. Yeah, this is where the accents clash, isn't it?
Nevertheless, I'm glad for your comment and that you, from what I could make out, enjoyed the story.
I agree with the rest. A bit of backstory would have helped.
A note or two on the first date or something.
Otherwise, not bad.
~Skeeter The Lurker
3050637 Yeah, it really was something that could have used a bit more backstory. Nevertheless, I'm glad that you enjoyed it outside of the obvious flaw.
I like your story a lot. Just one single slice of life happening at some indeterminate future date, showing Twixie enjoying an evening together. It doesn't need more description or background. It is perfect as it is.
i need some insulin for this...im getting diabetes from the romantic sweetness
plz do one for twiluna, sparity, or chryslight?...pweez
?
3644447 The only problem is...I don't happen to have anything of that in my medical cabinet anymore!
And I might do them in the future, kinda following this baseline of them already being in a relationship. Would be kinda nice to write a story that isn't overly complicated or consists out of more then 5k words. Though allow me to ask, chryslight, that is obviously Chrysalis, but whom is the other piece of the ship?
3645273chrysalis x twilight
3645427 0-o Oh hello interesting shipping. Tis a bit harder to make then let's say Sparity, but I might be able to, including a little twist perhaps. I shall keep my eyes and mind open for inspiration.
3645930 heres a group to help with that
3645950 awsome...i just made a emoticon into a link!!
3645958 While groups are useful indeed, all my inspiration literally hits me out of the blue. Might work out something in that sense over the time of the Christmas break.
And, that has to be the very first time I have seen such a fact! Thought you had forgotten to actually place the link in there until you said it yourself. Tis brilliant!
3645963 ya if figured it would cause confusion...but was fun to try
3645966 That it certainly was. ...Now, where did I left those bloody pictures of Twilight and Chrysy?
3645995 oooh pm some if you really have!!!!!! i have beeb colecting pics, my faves having chryssy, twi or luna
(i know im goin to hell for this
)
psst-image
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3646272 Sorry to burst your bubble dear, but...I do not actually have those pictures. More said it as a little joke to get inspiration of how a relation between those two could actually work.
Hehehehe, that face. Seem like Chrysy is in for a little, steamy, night~
3646599 damn...oh well, if you want chryssy pics i have almost 90 of them
idk y i put up this...except lil miss rarity is fun
3646673 I think I can have, about 200 if I search a little bit online.
*sees LMR* ... *closes browser* Nothing to do there.
3646844 you know rarity was a redubbed video playlist for her blog?
3647084 I had followed the disaster of the tumblr a little bit, but I never liked LMR as a character, or even idea, to begin with.
3650627 oh...i thought they were (demented) funny
3652193 Tis alright dear.
NO its not alright!!!! she uses a knife for an a--l d---o....
who does that?!
3654350 Hehehhe.
heheheheh