Not Another Human in Equestria

by Admiral Biscuit

The Even Shorterest Displaced Fic Ever

The Even Shorterest Displaced Fic Ever
Admiral Biscuit

It's a well-known fact that every now and then, a cosplayer finds him or herself in Equestria, suddenly wielding all the powers that his or her costume entails. Perhaps even more often than is strictly necessary, to be bluntly honest. But everyone knows that Discord is somehow behind it, and Discord works in mysterious ways.

Jared did not know this.

Jared was an average college student in every way. He went to an average college and got average grades, and sometimes he went to parties that weren't really all that fun, but they weren't all that boring, either. And it was a good enough life; one day he would likely become an average accountant and marry an average wife and live in a house in the suburbs with a white picket fence and 2.5 children.

Sadly for Jared, none of that came to pass, because on his last Halloween on Earth, Jared rather foolishly wore a poop emoji costume, which he bought from a rather unusual vendor at a kiosk in the shopping mall.

Approximately tau seconds after donning his new costume, Jared suddenly found himself in Equestria, proudly wielding all the powers which a pile of shit has to offer, which is to say none whatsoever.

He did have one brief, shining moment of glory when Daisy stepped on him, looked down to see what was on her hoof, and fainted (and Lily subsequently also fainted out of sympathy). Thereafter, he was scooped off the road by a Ponyville Public Works employee, and six months later, he, along with a wagonload of mundane crap, was sold to a pony called White Cap.

And thus Jared's life ended as fertilizer for a bumper crop of shiitake mushrooms.

Author's Note:

I saw this in the new stories box and couldn't resist.

Also, a poop emoji costume is totally available on Amazon.com (and other places, I'm sure).

Comments

[McProky]

That was pretty short, and good! Now I wonder what would happen if he wore a flea cosplay :D

[michaelb958]

Also, a poop emoji costume is totally available on Amazon.com (and other places, I'm sure).

I wish this shocked me. Or even surprised me.

[PunIntended Consequences]

Admiral "Never One To Be Outdone" Biscuit is at it again!

[Admiral Biscuit]

7920834
If somebody worked at it, I bet they could chop off at least 200 words.

[PunIntended Consequences]

7920835

"One day a guy bought a shitty costume from a shift dude. Literally. Then Discord sent him to Equestria but his costumed sucked and he died. Fin"

How's that?

[Admiral Biscuit]

7920848
I approve of this.

[metallusionsismagic]

He got what he paid for, no doubt: a shit deal.

[Gale Maze]

Well, you beat both me AND Emperor. The mantle of "shortest Displaced fic, not shortest dick" is yours, my liege.

[Emperor]

Maybe I should change the name of my fanfiction to 'The Shortest Displaced Fic That Has to Obey the 1,000 Word Limit Ever, But the Longest Displaced Fic Title Ever'

7926001

[Conflicting views]

I suppose tha the protagonist (if you can call him that) chaing his name back and forth from Jared to Jarad is a voluntary flaw? Same with the capital I in Discord?

[Gale Maze]

7928735 IT'S ON.

[Admiral Biscuit]

7928735
7936036
This is what happened when some of us had a shipfic breakup fic contest:

So by all means, do it!

[Admiral Biscuit]

7931394
Heh, no, just me being bad at typing and proofreading and spending a whopping ten minutes writing this (it's possible looking for a poop costume on Amazon was the longest part of writing this fic).

[Emperor]

7938961 That old joke.

"I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language.

"I do" is the longest.

[FTR2017]

Just found this oneshot, and must say that the shortness of it is what makes the deal. The idea, however... you were beaten to it by Sirnotappearinginthisfic, with his Story.

... It is quite funny, actually. Strange minds think alike, kinda thing?

Will have to give a look to the rest of the compilation.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Well, this is a delightful collection. Glad I found it. Looking forward to any and all future entries.

[Admiral Biscuit]

9322643
Thank you! Glad you liked it!

[Kevin Lee]

10072592

Also, FWIW, I think that we normally see arrays like that where unicorns put power in (Flim and Flam’s cider machine), not where power comes out.

Obviously, whether ponies have electricity or not is debatable, or if it’s electricity as we know it or something else, but maybe that’s best left for another time.

Quite possibly those features are alluding to the power transmission methods that were envisioned by Nikola Tesla. If Flim and Flam were using such an antenna feature to pull power in from the aether on their mobile device, then the transmission antenna used to pump power out into the aether is going to appear very similar, but would be located at fixed places where they can draw the power from--such as the Equus' version of hydroelectric dams. After all, in physics, form is often dictated by function, rather than the other way around.

[Admiral Biscuit]

10073028

Quite possibly those features are alluding to the power transmission methods that were envisioned by Nikola Tesla. If Flim and Flam were using such an antenna feature to pull power in from the aether on their mobile device, then the transmission antenna used to pump power out into the aether is going to appear very similar, but would be located at fixed places where they can draw the power from--such as the Equus' version of hydroelectric dams. After all, in physics, form is often dictated by function, rather than the other way around.

That is possible, although I would counter that they also look sort of like the ends of blasters in some science fiction depictions.
cdn.dribbble.com/users/1840904/screenshots/4626248/ray-gun-dribbble.png
Which could also mean that they’re an Equestrian planetary defense system of some sort.

Or they could transmit magic out, assuming they’ve got a hydropowered magic generator of some kind, which makes just as much sense as anything else in their tech as depicted in canon. Like, in the only depiction of a telephone I can think of, it was rotary with finger holes. Dialing with a single telegraph-style key would be more practical for a pony, or having a spring-loaded lever that’s pulled down to the number you want to dial.

I personally think that the reason the dam has a powerhouse is that the animator decided to put one in, and put insulators for transmission lines on the roof, although the didn’t bother to draw the lines, nor have they ever shown a single power pole in the show, at least to my recollection.

Certainly when that chapter was written, aside from the shot of the dam, I don’t think that there was any canon evidence that they had any sort of electrical network of any type in Equestria (FWIW, I still think evidence suggests that they don’t).

[Raine_Lionheart]

I lied. I have enough energy for one last comment:

NO. BAD ADMIRAL. LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID.

[Admiral Biscuit]

11276320

I lied. I have enough energy for one last comment:

Huzzah!

NO. BAD ADMIRAL. LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID.

I KNOW WHAT I DID

Funnily enough (and this is true), this is one of those stories that I forgot I had written until I encountered it a year or so later.