Night, a name given to himself by himself as he has forgotten the name he was born with. He has been on the moon since the great war for unification of all pony races. He fought under the crown for his cause with his fellow guardsmen. Yet, he ends up alone at the end of the war stranded on the moon by himself for millennia until he gets a visitor. One in a situation different yet similar to his own.
Remember there is always someone for you to talk to keep your head high!
-Former one shot I am turning into a more. The feedback on this motivated me to do more with it!
-11/11/2023, Featured already the heck? Huge thanks to those that enjoy this.
-Sex tag because it will be implied/referenced but not written/shown.
Chapters (6)
Damn that was a good oneshot, One of the better ones I read so far.
Shouldn’t there be a Nightmare Moon tag, and not a Princess Luna tag?
11745857
You are absolutely correct thank you!
11745851
I'm happy you liked it!
Feels man. Feels.
This is a brilliant short story and I would love to see a follow up on the relationship. As well as the fall out from when Luna came back as Luna and with her story of an imaginary knight that became her lover on the moon. You know, the doctors would chalk it up to a psychotic break from centuries of loneliness. No one would believe her. And the level of absolute distrust and jealousy that Celestia would have when Luna actually retrieved him and proved him real.
Great story, and I do hope for a sequel. A very well earned thumbs up.
Monk
“She was very good at assuming the worst, he always did that but she made him look like an amateur at it." -Arelak
11745986
YOU MY FRIEND, could be on to something. I'll have to consider doing a follow up and if/when I do I'm stealing your quote. You will get credit of course haha thanks for reading glad you enjoyed it.
11745991
By my quote, if you're refering to this:
“She was very good at assuming the worst, he always did that but she made him look like an amateur at it." -Arelak
Thats a quote by this sites Author Arelak from one of his stories. All the quotes I use are from Authors here on this site. Not a single one is mine.
https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/997122/the-famous-quotes-list
Monk
“To say that Twilight Sparkle went bugfuck would be like saying the Incredible Hulk had some mild anger management issues.” -DustTraveller
11745998
Noted huge thanks!
Read this about halfway before I skimmed the rest. This story to me reads like an incomplete vision/a skeleton draft of a bigger concept that couldn't be explored at the depth that it should've been. There's a lot of suspension of belief that needs to be had in order for the reader to really accept that this whole story is happening. To avoid spoiling the whole fic for people just stumbling upon this story:
1. Why is there a pegasus suddenly on the moon?
2. Why is there a pegasus on the moon for centuries without him dying?
3. How is there water on the moon?
4. Why did he name himself Night? Why can't he remember his name but remember all his comrades and his life story prior?
5. Why isn't he questioning anything that Nightmare Moon is saying?
6. Where is the conflict? Is the conflict that he's stuck on the moon or what?
7. Why is the narrator jumping from character to character after a thousand words of being in the perspective of Night only?
These are some of the questions I had when reading the first section alone. The first part of the story is an exposition dump instead of showing me why this whole story matters, making it hard for me to care about the OC, which is important since they do not have an established background in canon. Not to mention the giant paragraphs made it hard for me to read.
Now this isn't to say that I didn't enjoy anything that this story had to offer. I see the vision and this conceptually would be cool to explore. I wish you took more time to show us what this dude went through on the moon. What was the recollection of his memories like? Did he just suddenly have them or did he have to regain them slowly? And how was he able to figure out that he didn't have to eat? Drink water? Age?! And (adding spoiler tag to add to my previous point) you could've moved Luna's arrival to an earlier date to remove the disbelief that this dude lived for so long that he had gone through Luna's exact banishment period before she even arrived. This should've actually been a chapter fic instead of a one-shot and it clearly shows with how many elements you wanted to explore.
Despite the concept being hard to believe, I think this story also needed to go through several revisions grammatically. Saw a lot of missing periods, random words missing, comma splicing, misuse of words like 'however' and 'though', and conjunctions being completely abused. Flow wise, this story does flow and honestly, this is written better than a lot of stories I've seen from beginning authors, so don't feel like I'm being a downer on this fic.
I think you, the author, truly do have potential as there are flairs of writing style here that I like, and on top of it, you are thinking of concepts that aren't often explored, making what you are attempting to write a bit more tempting to read. However, I think you need to pull back a bit and really think about your concepts. You need to visualize them fully through all the senses. Think of stories like you're selling us your vision of what your characters are experiencing. To get that vision, start with a simple concept with a simple conflict, and then branch out from there if necessary. By adding too many elements, you'll get lost in your own story very quickly, and that can happen even to people like me (trust me, it has happened to me too). Also, would advise getting an editor or getting someone to read back to you what you wrote. Even something as simple as taking a two paragraph section and having a third party read it helped me loads when I first started out.
Hope you continue writing!
11746098
I agree with the horror Author Stephen King. You don't have to have everything answered. After all, we never get all the answers in real life. We walk into most situations somewhere in the middle, play our part and often move on without knowing how it ended. There was a reader here who ripped an Author over having the HIE starting the story already in Equestria as a store owner. "The guy was complaining, much like your comment: " Well how did he get here? You should have told us." I disagree and agree with the Author" Ernest Hemingway" who famously said, don't waste your time writing paragraphs that don't affect the plot or story. While it would be nice to know these things, we don't need to know these things. It doesn't affect the plot one way or another.
Consider the story, "The lady or the tiger." If that were written right now on this site, someone would be complaining that the Author didn't tell us if the princess sent her lover to his death or not. Some of the best stories are the ones that don't tell you how they end. They make you stop and come up with your own thoughts. "Did she send him to the tiger?" "Which of the two men did he decide to shoot?" Those stories leave you thinking. Sometimes for days after reading them.
In short, I disagree that everything has to be answered in a story. I think we expect it these days because of modern TV's lazy writing and the fact that all loose threads have to be tied up by the end of the 30 minute TV show. While its expected and nice, in a lazy sort of way, it's not good writing.
Monk
"Knowledge is power and power corrupts, so study hard and be evil." - Reykan
11746115
I have no idea what you're saying here, not going to lie. You quoted a bunch of published authors that basically are echoing what I said in my criticism (the questions I had are literally what make up the characters and their decisions in the main plot), then said you disagreed?
Responding to this because this is the only thing that you said without quoting something. So which thirty minute TV show starts and finishes an entire epic storyline within those thirty minutes? Enlighten me. Because you're basically agreeing with me with this post. I hope you realize this.
11746119
I think you spend too much time on sites like 4chan. Not every conversation has to be a devils advocate argument. I can disagree with some of your post and agree with other parts of it. Im shocked that this surprises you. (Actually not really. having spent too much time on sites like those myself. Worlds full of idiots)
Monk
11746098
11746123
Either way you guys take this story is fine, I'm grateful you took the time to read (or skim) and give feedback. This was a more of a public test run you could say with an idea I had. I'm considering making a chapter version of this in more detail but we'll see. Thank you both again for the feedback this is what I love to see in comment sections. Have great days guys <3
11746346
Glad to see that you are going to consider making this a chapter fic! The story would definitely pop off if you did that.
11746123
You couldn't be more wrong if you even tried lol. This convo is going to go nowhere so I'll drop this here since you think you're actually disagreeing with me partially when you're full blown agreeing with me without even knowing.
11746443
Ended up continuing it Lol. The comments motivated me to do more with it <3
I'm excited to see what next chapters will hold for both of them!
11748777
I'm glad you did, im loving every sentence
😳
11750374
Im so happy you enjoy this. Thank you so much for reading!
11749048
They will contain Feelings be prepared.
Cute and soothing story keep up the good work lad
Jelly much?
I could solo Celestia in a 1 on 1
Luna didn't know any contraceptive spells, or she did and didn't bother?
11754608
More like it slipped her mind, happens when your having fun.
It's just one of those days where you don't want to wake up
11754653
Gods do I know that feeling.
11754684
11754653
You guys sleep?
11753904
Nah I'd win.
Now i'm curious what Night talent was. Or will be if you decide to give him one again.
11760808
It might have something to do with how he's been living his life now, it could come back with his memories, or the reason he doesn't have one is related to his time on the moon. Who can say for certain other than me
11746443
Like I don't. Again, 4chan style arguments don't belong here. We are the outcasts. We aren't them. Just because we disagree, doesn't mean I dislike you. If there was a way to do it, I would send you one of those tiny bottles of booze. To have a drink on me.
sadly I can't
Monk
“There are many ways to create a monster, and the one the girl knows best is rather basic: you tell someone they're a monster over and over again, then wait to see how long it takes before they agree with you.” -Estee
So...couldn't Night's existence have been proven via a telescope? Normal telescope's are pretty damn good, and they have magic that could make that much better. If they wanted to prove Night's existence before his arrival, they could just keep a powerful enough telescope pointed at the moon to look for a green moving spot
11764912
It very well could have but, let me ask you this in return then. You ever tell you parents the truth and they don't believe you or bother to check the facts; until what you've said comes back and they find out you were telling the truth?
That's my thought process behind why I wrote it like this