I decided to try my hand in writing and maybe add few bricks to this great fandom
August Roltan was a prodigy, no one could argue that. An heir to one of the most prestigious schools of magic, and a respected scholar despite his young age. He could have become the greatest mage of his generation. Apparently, it was not ment to be. Now, waking up in an unkown land and with new body, he can rely only on his magic and wits as he tries to find his way home.
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Nice start.
Nice start indeed. It is too early to have anything else to comment about yet.
Oooh I like this! Interesting to see the collision of two different fantasy worlds with different rules. ^^
I have some notes:
Use title case for titles, especially the story title, which is the first thing people will see. This would be better rendered as "Side-Street Sorcery".
I also don't understand the chapter title. Given that August clearly didn't anticipate anything going wrong, and that what happened seems rather extraordinary, this does not seem like a "usual danger" of a magical ritual.
Indicating dialogue with a hyphen is non-standard in English, and not necessary as the quotation marks are sufficient. It's best not to add extra punctuation rules unless you have a good reason.
A closing quotation mark always has punctuation before it. The rules on exactly what punctuation to use are a bit nuanced - this Grammarly article has some examples.
"greeted him the Archmage" is also a strange word ordering in English. "the Archmage greeted him" would be more typical. With all that said, I'd render the line as follows:
The opening is okay, but the pacing is a little too fast. I understand that it's important to get to the pony world, but it would be nice to know a little more about August before he arrives in Equestria, at least so that we can understand or anticipate his reaction. I liked the way he's not bothered by a transformation the way a regular human might be. And we do learn more about him once he's in Equestria, so that's neat.
Interesting that August doesn't seem to believe he was the problem, considering he was the least experienced mage there.
This is a comma splice. There are two clauses here: "The second problem was the cost" and "Most items used were rare and expensive ingredients". Since the second clause is a consequence of the first, you could use a semicolon to indicate that the two clauses are linked. A dash would also work.
oh no
I get the joke, but I think it's a little too on-the-nose :) Fans know that this is referring to Princess Luna's old speech habits, but August has no reason to suspect that such a being ever existed other than for the purpose of this joke. Meanwhile, readers who are less familiar with MLP lore won't understand this at all.
That said, I do love this detail of August's language being hopelessly outdated and him not realizing. ^^
This is a good start! Interested to see more of where this goes :)
Another good chapter.
Few years? Famous last words, he will be stuck forever.
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Thanks for the feedback. While I have some understanding of the basics of writing, editing is completely out of my field. I tried putting Your tips to use in the second chapter, when I have some spare time I'll try fixing the first a little. I still probably slipped in a few places.
It is true that the pacing is too fast at the begining. It's a result of few rewrites and my frustration. I was thinking about this story for quite a long time, then spent even more writing the first chapter. At some point I decided to just post it, instead of sitting on it forever like on all my other stories. It could undoubtfully be better with a bit more work.
As for the joke, yes it's a bit on the nose. In retrospect, the second part of it wasn't needed.
Hope You enjoy the rest of the story and thanks once more for the tips
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We will see. I have a pretty solid idea of where and how I want to end this story, but maybe something will change
Interesting.