Nightmare Moon was seen like nothing more than a dark tyrant to most of her subjects. But somewhere behind the veil of her darkness, she also felt the need for sympathy, for compassion, for love...
One night a child of unknown species was found in the Royal Gardens of Nightmare Moon's Palace by two of her Royal Guards. They took the child to their Princess to see what they should do.
Nightmare Moon, even though seemed uninterested at first but after she learned some certain facts about him, she decided to keep him, and that's where this unusual story unfolds. Follow the human as he grow up to be the Knight and a Servant to her majesty...
(Set in Nightmare-verse)
(A collab between me and one of my friend)
Sex tag is due to heartwarming romance and suggestions. No detailed description involved.
You might want an editor, since I saw a looooootttt of mistakes! Other than that, I like the story. A lot!
9467973
Thanks for letting me know. Can you point a few of them out?
Ooh, Okie Dokie Lokie!
Soooooooo, you said that it could be heard, and then said it was unheard? Also, you need a comma after unheard! Another thing, A sharp crying sound of whines? You already said it was crying!
There's a lot of other mistakes, but I need to throw a party for my friends!
So I can't tell you them yet!
9467983
Well... I'm fixing them for the moment. Plus, I wanted to say that his cries were very loud but unheard by anyone until the Royal Guards approach him.
9467996
If the cries were as loud as you seem to be implying, I think it would be better to have them be ignored rather than unheard. Like -Pinkie_Pie- said, there’s a lot that can be improved. A big thing is that it flows really poorly. For example, the first two sentences...
Just over 20 words, but a surprising amount can be done with just this to spruce it up. I think it would flow a lot better if it were instead written like this...
It doesn’t take much for a clear message to become encumbered. In fact, sometimes it’ll flow better if you rearrange the order of parts separated by commas, like what I did to the second sentence. The parts will have to be rewritten if you rearrange them of course. It’s surprising when you really think about it, how many nuances exist in written language.
9468095
Thanks
This Is Really Interesting. Im likeing where this is going so far. Keep up the good work! :)
Great work and interresting story! 👍
Please continue this Story...!
Quite interesting I must say, I'm following this for sure. Keep it up!
9468098
hi can you tell me when the next up-date is?
9469643
Well, this story is prewritten so I'm just taking a break from updating the chapter. That's all. I could just upload all the story at once but then I thought, it would get too boring for readers if I did that. So, hopefully, I will publish the next chapter whether later today or tomorrow.
9469660
ok thx!! hi! :) chara stop being creepy!!!!>:( never!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!>:)
9470269
Nope. He's 18 at the time.
He was found when he was a year and a few months old, 1+ 13=14+4 years=18
This story was awesome. We really need more like it.
9497851
Thanks. And if you guys like such stories, I will make more of this kind.
I never thought of Nightmare Moon that way! I would love to hear more!
Can you please add more chapters this is a very good story.
9547895
I'm struggling with some ideas at the moment. I'll appreciate you guys' feedback. I'd like to know what you wanna see next.
This is a great story, I’d love to see more added though
Loved this story! I would like to see meaby a little more, but if no inspiration sparks, I understand.
Can you do an epilogue?
9771358
Sure. I will try.
Nice start. Im sad to hear 13 years of ruling and Nightmare Moon still has a mask of ice on her.
his fingers
/////
Luna/Nightmare Moon first love? Hard to belive?
17 years at least. All plants must be magical adapted by now or there population would starved after all supplys were use up..max 2 years i say...
Snu-Snu for the Night Princess
Nice end... But The human is still mortal...
Interesting start. There’s definitely some grammatical errors throughout but I didn’t feel like that distracted from the story for me. I like the way you’ve characterized nightmare moon, and the stuff toward the end with her feeling happiness was nice to read. Definitely going to read more, and I’m looking forward to seeing what happens next.
Decent story, but the ending was a bit weak, and the errors made it difficult to stay engaged.
11148898
Agreed, felt like we could have gotten a bit more of an arrangement with Celestia and Luna, it feels odd that they would just let Nightmare Moon and Crius go. Not to mention the fact that Crius can use the Elements of Harmony alone. Then again, this wasn't exactly meant to be a story longer than intended.
I would like to see an Sequel of this, maybe in the Style as Bride of Discord who has several Sequels over a long Time.
I was wondering how old Crius are in the End if he has silver Hair.
First I was thinking Moon would switch in his Body in a Symbiose like it was with Luna and Moon and the Possibility that Moon would made him Immortal too as long she is inside him.
In a Sequel I would like to see, if Moon find a Way to made him Imortal.
In the Discord Storyline, it was Discord who made Fluttershy Imortal so maybe theres a chance for Crius too.
I always think at the name Cirius when I see Crius Name.
After a quick search Crius is the latin Version of Kreios, an Titan from the greek Mythology.
Cirius is the latin Version of Kyros, an greek Name for an Male and mean "Merciful Ruler over the Enemies".
The use of greek Names are canon too, because the Jail of Equestria "Tartarus" is also a part of the greek Mythology.
In Greek mythology, Tartarus is both a deity and a place in the Underworld.
Despite grammatical errors and issues with sentence structure - and perhaps pacing - this story was a decent, if somewhat difficult, read.
That being said, it is not immediately apparent when a time-jump or a scene change has happened and you have quite a few redundant sentences that makes the story more tell than show, in my opinion.
You also have some paragraphs that are obviously meant to be separate. An easy solution is to simply make a one-line gap between those.