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madhat886
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madhat886
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This happened and then this happened and then this happened and then- My brother in Christ you are not writing a summary. Show us don't just tell, this isn't writing this is a child recollecting a movie they were only half paying attention to. At least put the barest of efforts into it. Ai cant do everything for you.
It feels like it was partially written by an AI.
Why and how is this anthro?
Interesting concept. I'm assuming this is more human with some anthro aspects like sunset still able to use equestrian magic, then again sunset has yet to be described its Conjecture at this point how anthro this story is though it dose have the human tag if I'm not mistaken. Looking forward to more.
11652720
Sunset is a beast woman a unicorn girl
11652736
It’s a crossover with Goblin Slayer
11652745
That clears up a lot. Also with Sunset ask her new Minions what they can do there roles are to see how to proceed is smart. The explanation in the notes is also smart gives the explanation without unneeded fillers and over explanation in the chapter Excellent usage of the author's notes wish I thought of that for my stories or at least some of them.
11652885
I’ll describe Sunset when she meets some adventurers
You need to show more than tell. The concept is interesting, but as Jest's comment said, "Then this happened, and then that happened," is not a good way to go about it.
Try to seek out an editor or possibly use free programs like Grammarly on Google Doc. Maybe even look up Youtube videos on the process of showing and not telling as much.
Not to be mean but this looks like it is a 14 years old trying to be cool by writing an R rated story.
- sunset is suposed to be the main character but she feels empty
-she is confronted to absolutely no challenge
- a good shard of golblin slayer is build on the fact that goblin are dangerous and scary. So i guess you did not understand what inspired you
This is not sunset shimmer adaptating to a dangerous world, it's sunset being handed power on a silver plate.
And it's boring.
11656956
It’s mostly setting up things for the story to start
11657342
What story ? What could happen in that setting that could be interesting ? We gît an overpowered character with no personnality having it easy.
If you would have wrote a story you would have sunset start at the bottom. But she is already at the top.
That can only be boring from here, no matter if youbadd sex and gore.
11657600
So did Overlord the anime. In this one Sunset has different magic and like in the Overlord videogame is able to keep on summoning minions to do her bidding. With any problem she faces she has to just throw enough minions at or if that fails use them in another way, or just throw even more minions at the problem.
The plot will start once Goblin Slayer enters the story.
11657618
The difference is that the Guy that did write overlord know how to write unlike you.
In overlord you follow a character that have a lot of power. But his mind does not follow equal to it. You follow an archlich with the smart of an average salaryman and that is what male it interesting.
The other thibg overlord do great are it's secondary character that are all interesting, some even more than the hero that serves less as a main character than motor to teh story of the secondary characters.
As for the overlord videogame even if the story is poor, it's still better written than what you did for now. And the minions concept mix badly with the overlord anime and teh goblin slayer world. (You alrzady did write the goblins as a joke)
So i'm pretty convinced that you did not understand the material that inspired you. I suggest you reread it.
Good luck going forward.
11657675
I can hardly read what you wrote.
Besides I like to setup things before I get to writing as I like lore building.
11657675
And no I’m not basing it on Overlord anime. I just gave it as an example.
It’s base on an older fanfiction I wrote years ago Overlord Shinji and Overlord Ranma. Where both guys get minions who are all females and have sex with them. While overrunning enemies with sheer numbers. I just using the Goblin Slayer world as the setting as I like the series.
And the goblins are a joke once they know they’re fuck and their crocodile tears doesn’t fool anyone. They are cowards who depend on numbers and people not taking them seriously.
11657717
Yes, i got it that you gave overlord as an example and i demonstrated that your fic has nothing to do with it.
Annnd like i say, what you added about the goblins prove that you did not understand the story of goblin slayer. Neither in its narration nor in it's intention.
And i would say that the passage in your chapter that proves it is teh one about the women that were captive. It looks like it is out of place. Like you put that here because it's what goblins do. But in truth it has no purpose.
Well i'm sure you improved since those fanfic🤡.
If some comment say that it look written by an IA , i would suggest you think twice about what your write.
Also you can tease that sunset meeting the goblin slayer all you want. It's an uninteresting character meeting an existing one that you will probably fail to replicate.
Good luck on chapter 3.
11657746
Another reason for the big setup is to explain where Sunset’s minions get the weapons, armor, equipment, and supplies they need. As I really don’t like how in some fictions the overlord with a huge army suddenly just appeared with no explanation of where they got all the toys they have.
Like someone who has nothing at the start of the season of a show and suddenly they have a huge army that they somehow able to equip and fund them when the last time you saw them they were homeless.
Or like in Total Spies where a highschool boy somehow could build an entire underground city by himself.
I’m making sure that questions like that don’t need to be ask as it’s already explained.
11657818
Dang! You actually made a good point with that.
Id have expected the guild to send a high level Ranger/Thief to track the bait, just to see what those being spied on would do in response, either not noticing low level spying, noticing and not caring, or even knowing they aint high enough level and letting them be?
Dont forget the best place to put the Biggest B.Ass Cannon is right behind the main entrance.
Lets clear the road, boys.
11666837
No that would block the road for traffic
11666842
Uhuh. Cross roads. Entrance, Access, Access, Eject.Theres no clear run in, you can only turn things below a certain size, you have full crossfire and wall droppers, etc.
And thats not including if you put the drawbridge to the side and wall accross the front of the main gate directly, leaving you doing a Utuurn to enter and exit the place.
Cliff entrances are better. Even harder to assult a place when the drawbridge is an elevator. Look how the Roman Empire solved that little problem.
11666903
Oh I thought you meant right behind the front door
11667108
How about its right behind the front door, which is on a slope upwards, so that the drawbridge covers the barrel opening? Theres lots of variations with positioning that makes things so difficult it usually easier to sneak inside, take the guards out and open the door to a fake merchant caravan etc?
11667147
Well the entrance can be T shape so that guns can be mounted on the wall. The main problem is the flow of traffic going in and out of the city causing a coming point.
As the city is based on the one in lord of the rings game. There is only one way into the city that is across a bridge.
Who's side is Sunset on? her own
Which means everyone is against her
11667797
Her own
Given questria and Sunset, Im wondering about two main classes of Minions that work together as well.
Infusers.
Depending on rank and type, Infusers can Infuse themselves, others, their offspring with capabilities taken from what they eat or are fed. They are improved by the second class of minion.
Blenders.
Depending on Rank and Type, Blenders can Blend Themselves, Their offspring, or even Others with Eat, Breed with or are Infused by.
A top end Dragon Blender can consume all Infusions and materials especially what other wise would be called industrial waste and use that to Blend any properties required with any othe material, being or minion, using their internal capacity and abilities.?
Depending on base types, skill trees etc, it could be possible to send small squads including an Infuser and a Blender to set up tiny remote research outposts far away where the far more exreme and destructive combinations could be experimented with, giveing a chance to roll on a major breakthrough, for every so many outposts dissapearing?
Using Dragons to convert magma to lifeforce to Minion Energy means the deep subsurface of the world becomes preferable? And the right sort of dragon pulls metals from the magma into their bones, available for harvesting in a scale of ways depending on Research Level, Army size, and other resources?
Sorry, Ive only been looking at the game engine math on and off for a while, not descriptive details of effects.
11667933
Oh brother.
Does the death of Sunnyset's women resupply the life energy that was used to make them?
11680730
No I’m going by the Overlord game rules with life force and creating minions you can only use life force energy once. Once a minion dies they die but can be brought back to life by using life force energy. But unlike in the game all lifeforms that live create life force so killing rats will result in life force unlike in the game, as do insects. So Sunset has plenty of life force to spare. And isn’t limited to using a limited number of spells like everyone else.
11680747 I'd have to reread it (how terrible, right?) but The Beating of my Heart Has where the fox also needs life energy so has contraption that harvests a constant supply by having an magical construct with three arms swinging clock style.
One arm to generate life, second to harvest, the third to rot the dead grass and what not into fertilizer. All tied to a crystal that gathers and utilizes the life energy
Sunset uses Distraction and Iowa Overkill on th Demon Lord.
Then Double Taps.
Next up, Research, Development and Science with Minions. How to make a Nightmare Army?
11680824
I’m using the Overlord videogame with the small imps. Where you kill sheep and Beatles as the main way to harvest life force
11681098 Beware angry walnuts
11680730
Nope. But with the demon Lord supplying all that juicy life force, Sunset can replenish her forces virtually instantly.
what they should worry about is how much sexy they will be seeing i mean seriously all of them are hot women it reminds me of the futurama episode where the amazon's were going to death by snu snu fry and zap and kiff that is all i am thinking bout with the army of women
Interesting story, harsh chapter with fascinating lore.
Questuon:
What is the difference between Goblins and Humanity?
Answer:
One race got apparently curse by at least one god.
Hm... The goblins if raised right from day 1 could build a impressive civilization. Perhaps they pay females for offspring in exchange for monetary and military services?
O hell... Antro story
Sunset riddle cheater, but a clever work around.
Sunset has female Minions, she could use it to rule over all Goblins and create a hole Kingdom around that fact alone!
I start with wildlife hunters, foraging of berrys and other things and expand eventually into farmers and warriors first chance we own a residential Goblin nest by the prospect of breedingand leadership through a powerful ubermage.
Claiming the ruines, expand them after making repairs and claim the territory around it.
A perfect foundation to start her own queendome!
What a waste of materials! Skin the dead bodies, they will make for good tent or clothing materials.
Strip the meat from the bodies, either as food or as lure for wild predatos.
Strip the bodies of bones, they can be used for a pile of materials and products!
Nutritional supplements when crushed into powder at the very least!
A woman who knows to enjoy herself
OK... that sounds like bullshit, as in Mary Sue levels of bullshit
The story is a bit bare bone, but still very promising of things to come.
Sunset Shimmer needs a lot of paper and other writing materials if she wants to build a civilization or at lest a Mercenary army.
In fact, this might be the best idea as side gig beside selling of materials and loot in the Villages.
Do the female Goblin mages know healing magic?
Offering it for very low prices would make Sunset a popular and praised ruler.
I guess Sunset has not began to take goblins, breed 1-2 generations, kill the prisoners and raise the Goblin infants with a moral compass and a general education thanks to living around the summoned and loyal Minions?
Damn fine story so far, even if a bit bare in character development, but I can understand the priority of wanting to establish lore and a pool of characters first.
👍
Looking forward to more chapters
Damn fine work, Sunset is indeed starting to build a impressive little Queendom. Wonder who will first try to mess with them?
It would be clever to expand peacefully and retaliate when attacked, after having given warning.
A all woman nation? This will most likely be very unique for this world.
Though it has very dark implications and perhaps incarnations to guarantee female offspring only.
Wonder what the people will make for theory about?
Hiring males for breeding purposes or using prisoners for exclusive breeding?
Sunset will most likely get soon attention, nobels usually don't like it to be shown up as incompetent and lazy, thanks to the warrior woman.
Quantity is a quality all on their own to consider, perfect for magic creatures that are not 'born' but made.
Very efficient use of materials, I approve of the well made system of production of all good and the overall evolution of Sunset Queendom.
But she will run out of preparation time soon, someone will come for her wealth or territory.
Pistols? Don't you mean muskets?
Sunset liked busy females obviously...
Big breast also are nice reserve towards starving to quickly.
A huge lore dumb, hard to digest at once.
Sunset Shimmer is overpowered... it is like playing with every cheat active. Where is the challenge or difficulty of development?
I hope Sunset Shimmer isn't at least going for military victory over the world, that would be boring at best.
1 like for a nice story so far, 64 likes well earned.
Though it is a bit overwhelming top from the start.
Damn... I was like: How is Sunset not running out of troops? Than I remembered that all killed enemies leave life orbs behind.
But still!
At least Sunset has run out if elite troops and has to rebuilding her army from default summoning strength... right?!
If Sunset Shimmer is clever she plays it mutual beneficial, until some idiot eventually attacks her first.
Continuing only to eliminate openly aggressive factions.
Though assassination is very likely being attempted at one point.
What is Sunset Shimmer plan?
Victory through:
- Economy, buying off population for example.
- Culture, because that actually is why the Greek for one example used to be so famous and successful.
- Technology, the non military kind. Working mid class residential areas would make many flock towards Sunset Shimmer Queendom for a better life.
Looking forward to the next chapter
11800754
The overlord orb runs on the same logic as the tower heart of the Overlord game where you the overlord can summon minions as long as you have life orbs to spend. I’m just not using the game play rules like how there’s a limit because of how hard it would be to summon and control more than 50 minions at once. Or like in Pikmin the gameplay has to be limited. I’m just not using the rules that limit things for gameplay purposes.
11707774
Dead by snu-snu ♡
Nice~♡ until it becomes not so nice~♤
And finally lethal
11683584
But it only works to spawn default troops that have numbers, but nothing more going for them.
Also usually the minions have bring the life orbs to the Overlord or overlady in this case.
So the infinite army is kinds bullshit from the outside few, looking to have no challenge or difficulties
11681098
Clever way to maximize efficiency.
Life-force for the Overlady, meat for the army with the fur for clothing. Very efficient indeed.
11680825
Double tap, way to rare in a story to see. Very nice
11667933
That is everyone going, even the once helping others
11800761
Actually that was not even a problem for me, it is how the life orbs need to reach Sunset reserve to be used.
Is there a dedicated life orb transportation squad bringing Sunset Shimmer Amulett life orbs 24/7?
11800766
Yes but there is a group of minions who collect orbs but after the battle is over. And also unlike in the game animals give life orbs as well. So the slaughterhouses killing chickens and other farm animals also produce life orbs, also rats unlike in the game which doesn’t make sense as beetles can but rats can’t
The automatic collection is really overpowered, at this point no army can keep logistics up in any capacity to defeat Sunset Shimmer.
Great overall chapter, rather clever to not overstretching herself and return the Lands to their people while solidifying her own land controlled.
Expansion can come over time, especially if one fool is another will try something.
- False flag attacks
- False Bandit attacks
- False propaganda
Though with successful Sunset Shimmer is I really don't see why she want to do anything but impress Celestia with her own Kingdom.
Now that I think about it, how to keep anything on Celestias dimension If the portal works for 3 days in her timeline if it is decades on Celestias side.
Sunset can only rule one place and that is not even because of the time difference of the two places.
Though what I can see is that Sunset Shimmer nees to become a Alicorn or a immortal towards aging.
Otherwise the war between races will eventually continue when she isn't there to keep everyone in line.
Ruling with a firm but soft glove, while striking opposition down hard with the unyielding might of a Ovelord. Sounds like a good system.
Especially since corruption can't take hold with perfect loyal subjects in leading positions.
Indoor plumbing is worth a lot, with military superiority being already in Sunset Shimmer cards there is yet still a lot to do:
- General education system, until other nations raise their out of envy alone.
- General healthcare system, something every civilian will work hard for alone!
- General Research and development of communications. Military and civilian life are very effected by its capacity and speed.
- General entertainment industry, if one isn't a Overlord/Overlady than entertainment is a huge demand with a lot of money to be made. Be it for the young or old. Damn... the sex Industry alone is with kingdoms in profits.
- General enviromental research and preservation.
Starting with filters for smoking chimneys. Water filtration in general and maybe Zoos, take care of your environment and it will take care of your needs.