- Member Since 12th Jun, 2012
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madhat886
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madhat886
Joined 12th Jun, 2012 ·
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This is pretty good actually. Now I'm hook to it.
love it
I'm just going to be blunt here. You need an editor/proofreader (if you don't have one already). Your writing itself is pretty good but, you need to know how good the story flows from another perspective because this feels too rushed for me and symbols and capitalization is your weakness. Which could easily be fixed by an editor/proofreader. All things considered, i'm looking forward to this story.
.
I'd suggest looking up the grammar rules on when to put -ed at the end of a word. It was your big, consistent issue which cropped up around ten times in this chapter. In the first paragraph, as an example, there were cases where you should have used returned, trapped (twice) and remained instead of the versions without ed at the end of the words.
If you went back and fixed this one issue you'll fix most of the problems, as the story itself looks interesting .
Cant wait for the next chapter!! This is going to be sweet.
Can't wait for the next chapter.
I had two big problems with this.
Story wise, it's pretty good, but the consistent grammatical errors threw me off. Try to find a proofreader, as there are many people on this website who would be more than happy to help you improve.
The whole thing felt too rushed. Calm down friend, there are more chapters that can be written, no worries.
Just a note vegetarians often eat eggs because a chicken will produce an egg regardless if it is furtile or not. The eggs wecget at the store are essentialy chicken less, no offspring in em. Sooo there ya go.
Some minor grammar errors like 'pesgasus' instead of pegasus.
The main problem I feel with the story is a lack of flow. Some of the expositional descriptions and dialogue are rushed in and feel OoC for this universe you made. Does it mean the story is bad? No. Just means you need to work on pacing, I think. Don't force in details that will come naturally (Sunset wouldn't be curious about Celestias' size yet, at least not until she was more adjusted to this new world she is in).
I had to stop reading the moment I saw Trixie mentioned when she's nowhere near there. Please obtain a proofreading/editor.
7017057 Yep. It's only vegan's that don't eat eggs and milk.
7018436
That was a response to the author's note. But glad I got that right.
This needs a dark tag. That first chapter deserves it
Other then that please keep writing I'd like to see what happens.
7018729 Think Scott Pilgrim.
And now we wait for the next chapter:0
fucking hot. Please update soon. ^^
Story is still good, needs an update
More?
There is a serious need here for spell-checking, editing, and so on, but otherwise it's not bad for clop.
Either Twilight won't become a part of Sunset's herd, or Twilight is going to leave the herd that she is in, and joins Sunset's one.
Atleast that's what I imagine.
7272229 I have a feeling that Sunset's herd will be in Ponyville.
I forget, did Luna ever turn into Nightmare Moon in this universe?
I thought this was sunset's herd
7272489 Well if you think about it, Celestia fucked her first. So in the end she should have say over what happens. And considering she told Twilight that she was already a part of Sunsets Herd. Then that sticks, this other herd she is in now wont like it but this is what I'm seeing at the moment...
7272229 or Sunset joins Twilight's current herd
7333406 Commander Shepard is not pleased with this turn of events
7335777 "I am Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite whorehouse on the Citadel."
amazing
7017174 I must agree
I hope Sunset get around to have AJ and Rainbow in her herd soon.
6914392 da action words need to be past tense. Derp. Much errors. Very headache. Such pain.
W͎h͎e͎l͎p͎, t͎h͎e͎r͎e͎ i͎s͎ a͎l͎m͎o͎s͎t͎ n͎o͎ f͎r͎i͎e͎n͎d͎s͎h͎i͎p͎ a͎n͎d͎ t͎h͎i͎s͎ p͎a͎r͎t͎ i͎s͎ g͎o͎i͎n͎g͎ t͎o͎ s͎u͎c͎k͎.... w͎e͎l͎l͎ c͎a͎n͎'t͎ w͎h͎a͎t͎ t͎o͎ r͎e͎a͎d͎ i͎t͎!
Finally an update
Are you planing on turning Sunset into a pony? Because I personaly like her beeing a human and see how she is trying to cope with her new environment in this particular society.
I kinda hope that Sunset gets raped by Nightmare so that the ponies can see the damage that happens when someone is overstuffed.
I hope when sunset ynites the elements she gets turned back into a pony, twilights size, and luna appleblooms size. Then let the orgies beggin.
Love it! I've always looked for a story with big horsecocked futa anthro mares fucking a little Human bitch! Keep up the good work man.
I like this story & am really interested in the plot and in seeing what happens next. But so many miss spellings, mixed up moments of using his with her, sentences ending in a , instead of a period. A few contradictions to what Sunset & Celestia say or do during sex scenes ruins the immersion a little for me. Like in the author note you said nobody raises the sun & moon, just move the planet, yet Celestia is raising the sun this chapter.
I don't normally nick pick minor details & just wanted to get all this off my chest.
I'm not going to stop reading your work because of what I mentioned even if you don't fix them later. Also I've been wondering if the anthro Sunset got sent to the pony world & how she'd be coping with that situation like this Sunset is trying to do in hers.
*clap, clap, clap* you have my intrest, and my attention, and not many people get that. Lol good story so far
read it and enjoy it,
kind of want this also to have a twilight is daughter of Luna mix in to it because that would be fun for some reason.
part of me want ot see that princess luna is twilight mom, as well cause then sunet and twilight would be cousins and that would be kinky
Yay another update!
I Love this chapter, I can't wait to see what happens next to Sunset, also I love how you had Vinyl with a speaking part, I have a bit of a crush on her and think she along with Lyra, Octavia and Bonbon are the best background Ponies of all, do you think you can have Vinyl and Octavia join Sunsets Herd?
Sunset is still mean and cruel. Worst princess. Soon to be princest.
Points of the story, where i debunk sunset.
1: I do agree that pinkie shouldnt have just thrown the party, where sunset was staying, but it is a public library, its not breaking and entering.
2: Rainbowdash has and can break the sound barrier, clearing the sky of clouds, she is the ponyville weater manager for a reason.
3: On the all apple foods, ok i can agree, not all the food should be apple related, but ponyville was founded because of the apple family, and the town's major export is apples.
4: Sunset is celestia's "daughter" by adoption, yes but even celestia isnt so stuff shirt about forcing others to her will. She would be happy with what makes others happy, so sunset should be as well.
7412091
You are right. Even besides that is a house, is still a public library, therefore is not breaking in to organize a surprise party, But lets disagree in THIS point.
YEAH, Rainbow is the weather manager, But, would it Kill her to do her job first in 10 seconds flat first?
And Ponyville was founded by the Apple family, which means that the economy of Ponyville is almost 100% Apple based.
YEAH, Sunset is kinda mean and cruel.
But why she hates apples?