Finding herself in the world of Goblin Slayer, Sunset finds herself in a ruin tower where a fallen Overlord once ruled with an iron fist. And finds the minion amulet that allows her to summon female minions to do her bidding. Harem story.
Not to be mean but this looks like it is a 14 years old trying to be cool by writing an R rated story.
- sunset is suposed to be the main character but she feels empty -she is confronted to absolutely no challenge - a good shard of golblin slayer is build on the fact that goblin are dangerous and scary. So i guess you did not understand what inspired you
This is not sunset shimmer adaptating to a dangerous world, it's sunset being handed power on a silver plate. And it's boring.
11657342 What story ? What could happen in that setting that could be interesting ? We gît an overpowered character with no personnality having it easy.
If you would have wrote a story you would have sunset start at the bottom. But she is already at the top. That can only be boring from here, no matter if youbadd sex and gore.
11657600 So did Overlord the anime. In this one Sunset has different magic and like in the Overlord videogame is able to keep on summoning minions to do her bidding. With any problem she faces she has to just throw enough minions at or if that fails use them in another way, or just throw even more minions at the problem.
The plot will start once Goblin Slayer enters the story.
11657618 The difference is that the Guy that did write overlord know how to write unlike you.
In overlord you follow a character that have a lot of power. But his mind does not follow equal to it. You follow an archlich with the smart of an average salaryman and that is what male it interesting.
The other thibg overlord do great are it's secondary character that are all interesting, some even more than the hero that serves less as a main character than motor to teh story of the secondary characters.
As for the overlord videogame even if the story is poor, it's still better written than what you did for now. And the minions concept mix badly with the overlord anime and teh goblin slayer world. (You alrzady did write the goblins as a joke)
So i'm pretty convinced that you did not understand the material that inspired you. I suggest you reread it. Good luck going forward.
11657675 And no I’m not basing it on Overlord anime. I just gave it as an example.
It’s base on an older fanfiction I wrote years ago Overlord Shinji and Overlord Ranma. Where both guys get minions who are all females and have sex with them. While overrunning enemies with sheer numbers. I just using the Goblin Slayer world as the setting as I like the series.
And the goblins are a joke once they know they’re fuck and their crocodile tears doesn’t fool anyone. They are cowards who depend on numbers and people not taking them seriously.
11657717 Yes, i got it that you gave overlord as an example and i demonstrated that your fic has nothing to do with it.
Annnd like i say, what you added about the goblins prove that you did not understand the story of goblin slayer. Neither in its narration nor in it's intention.
And i would say that the passage in your chapter that proves it is teh one about the women that were captive. It looks like it is out of place. Like you put that here because it's what goblins do. But in truth it has no purpose.
Well i'm sure you improved since those fanfic🤡. If some comment say that it look written by an IA , i would suggest you think twice about what your write.
Also you can tease that sunset meeting the goblin slayer all you want. It's an uninteresting character meeting an existing one that you will probably fail to replicate.
11657746 Another reason for the big setup is to explain where Sunset’s minions get the weapons, armor, equipment, and supplies they need. As I really don’t like how in some fictions the overlord with a huge army suddenly just appeared with no explanation of where they got all the toys they have.
Like someone who has nothing at the start of the season of a show and suddenly they have a huge army that they somehow able to equip and fund them when the last time you saw them they were homeless.
Or like in Total Spies where a highschool boy somehow could build an entire underground city by himself.
I’m making sure that questions like that don’t need to be ask as it’s already explained.
Another reason for the big setup is to explain where Sunset’s minions get the weapons, armor, equipment, and supplies they need. As I really don’t like how in some fictions the overlord with a huge army suddenly just appeared with no explanation of where they got all the toys they have.
Like someone who has nothing at the start of the season of a show and suddenly they have a huge army that they somehow able to equip and fund them when the last time you saw them they were homeless.
Or like in Total Spies where a highschool boy somehow could build an entire underground city by himself.
There are also the rotting bodies of goblins, the wandering band of orcs, several trolls, the bugbear that was leading a band of goblins, gnolls, an ogre. Showing that the women have been hunting down every single dangerous creature and race around the tower. They used their overwhelming numbers to swarm their prey and when the prey is too strong, the survivors went back to call their leader who is a magic user.
What a waste of materials! Skin the dead bodies, they will make for good tent or clothing materials. Strip the meat from the bodies, either as food or as lure for wild predatos. Strip the bodies of bones, they can be used for a pile of materials and products! Nutritional supplements when crushed into powder at the very least!
She's naked along with the minions sleeping with her, all sleeping together for warmth. Her minions are completely loyal and devoted to her. So eager to please her, which lead to them having sex with her. With little to do for entertainment, Sunset began having sex with her minions in a mass of bodies all wanting to please her. Hands and mouths everywhere all very skillful in driving her to the heights of pleasure.
A woman who knows to enjoy herself
Sunset discovered that she can desummon her minions and resummon them later. Which heals them and makes them battle ready. They do need to eat, sleep, and other things like her, but if she desummons and resummon them, that solves the problem in feeding them. Which she does but she needs a number of minions with her for protection, and to keep up the production of weapons and leather armor.
OK... that sounds like bullshit, as in Mary Sue levels of bullshit
The story is a bit bare bone, but still very promising of things to come. Sunset Shimmer needs a lot of paper and other writing materials if she wants to build a civilization or at lest a Mercenary army. In fact, this might be the best idea as side gig beside selling of materials and loot in the Villages. Do the female Goblin mages know healing magic? Offering it for very low prices would make Sunset a popular and praised ruler.
I guess Sunset has not began to take goblins, breed 1-2 generations, kill the prisoners and raise the Goblin infants with a moral compass and a general education thanks to living around the summoned and loyal Minions?
Not to be mean but this looks like it is a 14 years old trying to be cool by writing an R rated story.
- sunset is suposed to be the main character but she feels empty
-she is confronted to absolutely no challenge
- a good shard of golblin slayer is build on the fact that goblin are dangerous and scary. So i guess you did not understand what inspired you
This is not sunset shimmer adaptating to a dangerous world, it's sunset being handed power on a silver plate.
And it's boring.
11656956
It’s mostly setting up things for the story to start
11657342
What story ? What could happen in that setting that could be interesting ? We gît an overpowered character with no personnality having it easy.
If you would have wrote a story you would have sunset start at the bottom. But she is already at the top.
That can only be boring from here, no matter if youbadd sex and gore.
11657600
So did Overlord the anime. In this one Sunset has different magic and like in the Overlord videogame is able to keep on summoning minions to do her bidding. With any problem she faces she has to just throw enough minions at or if that fails use them in another way, or just throw even more minions at the problem.
The plot will start once Goblin Slayer enters the story.
11657618
The difference is that the Guy that did write overlord know how to write unlike you.
In overlord you follow a character that have a lot of power. But his mind does not follow equal to it. You follow an archlich with the smart of an average salaryman and that is what male it interesting.
The other thibg overlord do great are it's secondary character that are all interesting, some even more than the hero that serves less as a main character than motor to teh story of the secondary characters.
As for the overlord videogame even if the story is poor, it's still better written than what you did for now. And the minions concept mix badly with the overlord anime and teh goblin slayer world. (You alrzady did write the goblins as a joke)
So i'm pretty convinced that you did not understand the material that inspired you. I suggest you reread it.
Good luck going forward.
11657675
I can hardly read what you wrote.
Besides I like to setup things before I get to writing as I like lore building.
11657675
And no I’m not basing it on Overlord anime. I just gave it as an example.
It’s base on an older fanfiction I wrote years ago Overlord Shinji and Overlord Ranma. Where both guys get minions who are all females and have sex with them. While overrunning enemies with sheer numbers. I just using the Goblin Slayer world as the setting as I like the series.
And the goblins are a joke once they know they’re fuck and their crocodile tears doesn’t fool anyone. They are cowards who depend on numbers and people not taking them seriously.
11657717
Yes, i got it that you gave overlord as an example and i demonstrated that your fic has nothing to do with it.
Annnd like i say, what you added about the goblins prove that you did not understand the story of goblin slayer. Neither in its narration nor in it's intention.
And i would say that the passage in your chapter that proves it is teh one about the women that were captive. It looks like it is out of place. Like you put that here because it's what goblins do. But in truth it has no purpose.
Well i'm sure you improved since those fanfic🤡.
If some comment say that it look written by an IA , i would suggest you think twice about what your write.
Also you can tease that sunset meeting the goblin slayer all you want. It's an uninteresting character meeting an existing one that you will probably fail to replicate.
Good luck on chapter 3.
11657746
Another reason for the big setup is to explain where Sunset’s minions get the weapons, armor, equipment, and supplies they need. As I really don’t like how in some fictions the overlord with a huge army suddenly just appeared with no explanation of where they got all the toys they have.
Like someone who has nothing at the start of the season of a show and suddenly they have a huge army that they somehow able to equip and fund them when the last time you saw them they were homeless.
Or like in Total Spies where a highschool boy somehow could build an entire underground city by himself.
I’m making sure that questions like that don’t need to be ask as it’s already explained.
11657818
Dang! You actually made a good point with that.
What a waste of materials! Skin the dead bodies, they will make for good tent or clothing materials.
Strip the meat from the bodies, either as food or as lure for wild predatos.
Strip the bodies of bones, they can be used for a pile of materials and products!
Nutritional supplements when crushed into powder at the very least!
A woman who knows to enjoy herself
OK... that sounds like bullshit, as in Mary Sue levels of bullshit
The story is a bit bare bone, but still very promising of things to come.
Sunset Shimmer needs a lot of paper and other writing materials if she wants to build a civilization or at lest a Mercenary army.
In fact, this might be the best idea as side gig beside selling of materials and loot in the Villages.
Do the female Goblin mages know healing magic?
Offering it for very low prices would make Sunset a popular and praised ruler.
I guess Sunset has not began to take goblins, breed 1-2 generations, kill the prisoners and raise the Goblin infants with a moral compass and a general education thanks to living around the summoned and loyal Minions?