• Member Since 5th Oct, 2013
  • offline last seen Last Thursday


Comments ( 926 )

You need an editor. There are a lot grammar errors.

But otherwise it looks interesting. I will keep an eye on it.

6034883 Yes I know. Sorry I was so excited about posting my first story I uploaded it without going over it again. Also though I speak in a way that most thinks sounds well educated when it comes to the written word I am a bit lacking. I did fix the bigger mistakes that I saw and I'm open to constructive criticism and advice so thank you.

6034971 Ok, I will not point out every mistake since my english is not the best itself. But one thing stand out (at least for me) and that is in the ending half: you write there "anti" but I think you mean "aunty" or "auntie". No idea why this causes me so much trouble...

But as I said before, the general story is really good.

6034971 I honestly think that this story has alot of potential, but this chapter feels really rushed. You might want to think about rewriting this chapter, iron out the grammar mistakes, and flesh out the story a bit.

6035266 Guess I did use more time skips then I intended. I have no intention of redoing the whole chapter as I am pretty happy with how it turned out story wise but I will fill in some of those voids before starting the next chapter. Thanks for pointing that out.

Ok I added to the gaps I think needed it.

No I didn't want to avoid the con because of the roomers about missing people or even the few that came back claiming to have been sent to Equestria with all the powers of what they were dressed as.

Really, now?

6035473 ...fixed. I'm sorry I don't know where that one came from. It wasn't even punny. And sorry for that to.

I like this. (Throws tablet appon the ground.) Another!!

Dungeon Keeper in equestria, and what you come up with is 'I'll make him a magical fox because that makes fucking sense!'

Fucking really?

How about, instead of making some contrived reason for having a dungeon keeper not be a beating heart miles underground, how about you have the story be about that? Slowly taking over equestria, one piece at a time, capturing and converting the elements to his cause?

6037608 There is no set image for a dungeon keeper so why not? The merchant terns people into their costume even if its just a mask. And its a displaced story. Just because the character has an evil power doesn't make them evil unless its directly corrupting them. Which I didn't do because I think its over used already and I like dark heroes. Also there are already stories with a dark wizard gathering minions and taking over. And it would get hard to make new chapters if the main character spent all of their time underground completely dependent on there minions. Especially since one of the big things in displaced stories is the main character summoning the main character in other stories and vice versa.

6036843 ... What a waist of a perfectly good tablet. I shall not let its death be in vain!

It was a Trio Stealth, trust me smashing it was a mercy killing.:scootangel:

I did fix the bigger mistakes that I saw and I'm open to constructive criticism and advice so thank you.

Ok. :pinkiehappy:

Five minuets and I've been separated from Tony


Some people were taking those rumors to seriously.


"I know me to.

"I know, me too.

Of cores this means if your killed you wont reform at your heart like normal keepers

course you're won't

Though I wouldn't suggests trying it if you can avoid it


I gave a courtesy smile at what I thing was a joke as I place my new trinket on.


With each beat of the heart the pain in my head grew till I lost conciseness in the vortex.


Chosen by Faust to come to equestria to live in a perfect world in a new body!"

Equestria <- Nations are always capitalized.

When she stopped crying she suddenly gripped me tighter in her for hooves and her horn sparked to life for a moment before fizzling out.


My faithful student Twilight one of the new Element bearers was able to solve his riddle.

My faithful student Twilight, one of the new Element bearers, was able to solve his riddle. <- commas

Celestia knew I liked puzzles and riddles and smiled proudly as she told of her faithful student.

Celestia knew I liked puzzles and riddles and smiled proudly as she told me of her faithful student.

Twists and terns are my master plan is a misdirection and has nothing to do with where he hid them only what he plans to do in the future.

Twists and turns is a misdirection and has nothing to do with where he hid them, only what he plans to do in the future.

Then find the Elements back where you began. You don't finish a maze in the same place you started that would be pointless.

Then there is 'find the Elements back where you began'. You don't finish a maze in the same place you started, that would be pointless.

"Ponyvill!" She exclaims as she hoped out of bed.

Ponyville hopped

"There already in ponyvill.

They're Ponyville

And Discord has cursed them into being the opposite of there true selves to break there friendship. And it looks like its working.

Discord has cursed them into being the opposite of their true selves to break their friendship and it looks like it's working.

With nothing ells to do as I wait


"Well I'm board."


Celestia Had just finished her speech and everypony was about to go outside but not yet.

Celestia had just finished her speech and everypony was about to go outside.

Ohhh. Just noticed this as well.

wont -> won't
Yeah. There are allot of those.
wont. a habit. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/wont
won't. will not. I won't be your lover. I will not be your lover. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/won%27t

6039591 (Climbs out of bed and stretches back, legs and tails.) "Hmmm I've got a few hours before work might as well do some work on the 2nd chapter." (Logs on and sees comments.) "I've seen posts like this before. I can only give one response... QUE APROPREAT MUSICAL MONTOGE!"

(Pant pant) DONE! well I guess it could have been worse. Thanks for pointing those out without calling me stupid in any way. XD

:twilightsmile: I'm not that bad. Just noticed some incorrect words.

Gave a second look at it. Noticed some stuff I missed the first time.

"In fact you three have demonstrated discord so well your each going to write me an essay on it." If I cold move my eyes and they weren't already bulging from the surprise the Elements gave me all those years ago they would be popping out of my head.

you're could

In my state of mind I cold only give one response.


As I broke free of my stone prison I bolted strait for the palace as fast as I can.


"They're already in ponyville.

Ponyville - Cities and towns are always capitalized.

wow, 200 views, 30 likes in only 2 days (3? still running on sunday time. sleep later, MLP now!:coolphoto:) not bad
specially loved the ending for the chapter. accidently shouted along with it an had everyone come running to see what was wrong :twilightsheepish::twilightblush:
can't wait for the next update!:pinkiehappy:
keep up the good work

6043115 Thank You. Being my first story on this sight I wasn't sure if I was doing good or not.

Bwahahahah.... the spell checker strikes again! :pinkiehappy:

And this is little Celly and Lulu when we caught them trying to sneak a peak at they're Hearthswarming presents.


they're = they are
their => Possessive. Their belongings.

"Aunty its dinner time. And I'm sure Twilight and her friends will need to get back to they're homes."

"Aunty it's dinner time, and I'm sure Twilight and her friends will need to get back to their homes."

Only creatures that would except it as pay are diamond dogs and dragons.


And dragons are to proud to be worth trying to recruit any at the moment.


And conjured gold is even less valuable as its accentually counterfeiting that any unicorn can tell is fake.

And conjured gold is worthless as it's actually fake and easy to spot by any unicorn.

Of cores. I should get back to my studies.


I'll more then likely haft to sugar coat or lie about


standards that looked more like it cold beat anypony in nothing


Aberrantly everything.


I've never known them to have such a verity before


"Well, The under cities You established were abandoned some time after your petrification. No idea why, the inhabitance just seamed to vanish one day."

you inhabitants

We also had your dark artafacts moved to our castle for safe keeping. But we missed some and somehow they wound up in old runes and were recovered by an archeologists, and are currently residing in the Canterlot museum."

We also had your dark artifactsmoved to our castle for safe keeping, but we missed some and they wound up in old ruins and were recovered by an archeologist and are currently residing in the Canterlot museum." <- I assume you meant one archeologist. If you did mean archeologists then it should be "recovered by archeologists"

There must be some not in a coven in Canterlot They're always trying to give off an aura of nobility. The very embodiment of class and grace.

Canterlot. They're

I'll run my business, You two will keep this Kingdome safe and functional, and we'll still stay a happy family.

you kingdom " functional and" <- no comma needed

"False alarm everypony. you may return to your posts."


"I cant believe


Now you made me want to make a game were you send friend requests with flying bananas...

The worst one was a cursed quill that made whoever used it have everything they did narrated by the disembodied voice of Morgan Freeman for a few days.

I would love to have that quill.

"Twas assault!" Luna corrected herself. "Thou were struck down by a rogue flying banana!"

My favorite Luna quote.

6057971 LOL I didn't even know that was a thing. I just wanted to make a kung-fu chicken and that was the first name that came to mind.

Our Human 'Doom' has entered it would seem, things may prove interesting for the displaced Rin.

yeah Doctor Doom is one of the better villains out there Sorcerer and Scientist VICTOR VON DOOM

I need to know this Dr. Doom displaced story

>>"Yeperoony I have lots and lots to do like bake cakes cupcakes brownies muffins cookies pies domph!"

the arrows are there it is near the top

6085166 I don't understand. Are you saying that there's a button for fast talk already? or are you pointing out what I wrote at the top to explain why its there to someone?

6085299 Yes that's what the fast-forward button on my remote looks like. It was intentional.

Oh the cruelest of fates, others seeing your baby pictues:rainbowlaugh:

With a sharp salute Swift Retreat made a swift retreat from the office.

I see what you did there. :pinkiesmile:

Oh, and you should look for an editor. This is really the only thing that is BUGging me. Too bad this is chapter two. The pun fits better with the bugeyed minions in the first chapter. But let's get back on track. This group could help you.

6090808 Just be glad I abuse spell check XD. But thanks I posted with them for an editor.

With a wave of his right hand he said "This is not the merchant that your looking for." Everyone's eyes shimmered for a moment then they all went back to they're own business as if nothing happened.

So that how it works!!! :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

All the food was sent with him?! Hahehahaha!
More please!

I would have killed the cat.

Poor luna. Hehehe.
More please!

Sounds like one big misunderstanding

And as I though, we're dealing with proto-Scarlet Crusade :facehoof: They still have basic intelligence but any and all higher function has ceased

Also, spell check

When you want information get the correct supplies you two!:facehoof:
A dull scalpel
A sharp scalpel
A rusty scalpel
A spoon
A butter knife
A pocket knife
Saline solution
A melon scoop
A pocket knife
A potato peeler this is for the thin skinned types
A simple razor blade
A audio recorder for those nights when you have a hard time getting to sleep
A video recorder
And the interrorgator that couldn't get a thing from those he was to extract information from, so he can see just HOW it is done :scootangel:

I know a displaced who could help out in this.

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