Clockworklich
Joined 5th Oct, 2013 ·
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You need an editor. There are a lot grammar errors.
But otherwise it looks interesting. I will keep an eye on it.
6034883 Yes I know. Sorry I was so excited about posting my first story I uploaded it without going over it again. Also though I speak in a way that most thinks sounds well educated when it comes to the written word I am a bit lacking. I did fix the bigger mistakes that I saw and I'm open to constructive criticism and advice so thank you.
6034971 Ok, I will not point out every mistake since my english is not the best itself. But one thing stand out (at least for me) and that is in the ending half: you write there "anti" but I think you mean "aunty" or "auntie". No idea why this causes me so much trouble...
But as I said before, the general story is really good.
6034995 Fixed.
6034971 I honestly think that this story has alot of potential, but this chapter feels really rushed. You might want to think about rewriting this chapter, iron out the grammar mistakes, and flesh out the story a bit.
6035266 Guess I did use more time skips then I intended. I have no intention of redoing the whole chapter as I am pretty happy with how it turned out story wise but I will fill in some of those voids before starting the next chapter. Thanks for pointing that out.
Ok I added to the gaps I think needed it.
Really, now?
6035473 ...fixed. I'm sorry I don't know where that one came from. It wasn't even punny. And sorry for that to.
lol
I like this. (Throws tablet appon the ground.) Another!!
Hope to see more soon.
Dungeon Keeper in equestria, and what you come up with is 'I'll make him a magical fox because that makes fucking sense!'
Fucking really?
How about, instead of making some contrived reason for having a dungeon keeper not be a beating heart miles underground, how about you have the story be about that? Slowly taking over equestria, one piece at a time, capturing and converting the elements to his cause?
6037608 There is no set image for a dungeon keeper so why not? The merchant terns people into their costume even if its just a mask. And its a displaced story. Just because the character has an evil power doesn't make them evil unless its directly corrupting them. Which I didn't do because I think its over used already and I like dark heroes. Also there are already stories with a dark wizard gathering minions and taking over. And it would get hard to make new chapters if the main character spent all of their time underground completely dependent on there minions. Especially since one of the big things in displaced stories is the main character summoning the main character in other stories and vice versa.
6036843 ... What a waist of a perfectly good tablet. I shall not let its death be in vain!
6037733
It was a Trio Stealth, trust me smashing it was a mercy killing.
Ok.
minutes
too
"I know, me too.
course you're won't
suggest
think
until
consciousness
Equestria <- Nations are always capitalized.
fore
My faithful student Twilight, one of the new Element bearers, was able to solve his riddle. <- commas
Celestia knew I liked puzzles and riddles and smiled proudly as she told me of her faithful student.
Twists and turns is a misdirection and has nothing to do with where he hid them, only what he plans to do in the future.
Then there is 'find the Elements back where you began'. You don't finish a maze in the same place you started, that would be pointless.
Ponyville hopped
They're Ponyville
Discord has cursed them into being the opposite of their true selves to break their friendship and it looks like it's working.
else
bored
Celestia had just finished her speech and everypony was about to go outside.
Ohhh. Just noticed this as well.
wont -> won't
Yeah. There are allot of those.
wont. a habit. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/wont
won't. will not. I won't be your lover. I will not be your lover. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/won%27t
6039582
6039591 (Climbs out of bed and stretches back, legs and tails.) "Hmmm I've got a few hours before work might as well do some work on the 2nd chapter." (Logs on and sees comments.) "I've seen posts like this before. I can only give one response... QUE APROPREAT MUSICAL MONTOGE!"
(Pant pant) DONE! well I guess it could have been worse. Thanks for pointing those out without calling me stupid in any way. XD
6040109
I'm not that bad. Just noticed some incorrect words.
Gave a second look at it. Noticed some stuff I missed the first time.
you're could
could
straight
Ponyville - Cities and towns are always capitalized.
6040343 I know, I kid. Thanks again.
wow, 200 views, 30 likes in only 2 days (3? still running on sunday time. sleep later, MLP now!
) not bad
specially loved the ending for the chapter. accidently shouted along with it an had everyone come running to see what was wrong
can't wait for the next update!
keep up the good work
6043115 Thank You. Being my first story on this sight I wasn't sure if I was doing good or not.
This is good. ME WANT MORE!!!
Bwahahahah.... the spell checker strikes again!
their
they're = they are
their => Possessive. Their belongings.
"Aunty it's dinner time, and I'm sure Twilight and her friends will need to get back to their homes."
accept
too
And conjured gold is worthless as it's actually fake and easy to spot by any unicorn.
course
have
could
Apparently
variety
you inhabitants
We also had your dark artifactsmoved to our castle for safe keeping, but we missed some and they wound up in old ruins and were recovered by an archeologist and are currently residing in the Canterlot museum." <- I assume you meant one archeologist. If you did mean archeologists then it should be "recovered by archeologists"
Canterlot. They're
you kingdom " functional and" <- no comma needed
You
can't
6045613 Thank you! XD
Now you made me want to make a game were you send friend requests with flying bananas...
I would love to have that quill.
My favorite Luna quote.
I like this Chicken^^
orig14.deviantart.net/3836/f/2012/011/6/1/cluck_norris_by_ayf100-d4m29wo.jpg Cluck Norris whooohoooo!!!
6057971 LOL I didn't even know that was a thing. I just wanted to make a kung-fu chicken and that was the first name that came to mind.
Our Human 'Doom' has entered it would seem, things may prove interesting for the displaced Rin.
yeah Doctor Doom is one of the better villains out there Sorcerer and Scientist VICTOR VON DOOM
I need to know this Dr. Doom displaced story
6063325 Behold the story of Doom!
the arrows are there it is near the top
6085166 I don't understand. Are you saying that there's a button for fast talk already? or are you pointing out what I wrote at the top to explain why its there to someone?
6085249
i am just saying the are 2 > in the paragraph
6085299 Yes that's what the fast-forward button on my remote looks like. It was intentional.
Oh the cruelest of fates, others seeing your baby pictues
I see what you did there.
Oh, and you should look for an editor. This is really the only thing that is BUGging me. Too bad this is chapter two. The pun fits better with the bugeyed minions in the first chapter. But let's get back on track. This group could help you.
6090808 Just be glad I abuse spell check XD. But thanks I posted with them for an editor.
So that how it works!!!
All the food was sent with him?! Hahehahaha!
More please!
I would have killed the cat.
Poor luna. Hehehe.
More please!
lol just lol
Sounds like one big misunderstanding
And as I though, we're dealing with proto-Scarlet Crusade
They still have basic intelligence but any and all higher function has ceased
Also, spell check
When you want information get the correct supplies you two!
A dull scalpel
A sharp scalpel
A rusty scalpel
A spoon
A butter knife
A pocket knife
Vinegar
Salt
Water
Saline solution
A melon scoop
A pocket knife
A potato peeler this is for the thin skinned types
A simple razor blade
A audio recorder for those nights when you have a hard time getting to sleep
A video recorder
And the interrorgator that couldn't get a thing from those he was to extract information from, so he can see just HOW it is done
I know a displaced who could help out in this.