Aisle One: Hairbands, Batteries, Snoring Demi-Goddesses
The deep thrum of the gem-powered freezers, the hum from the overhead lights, the occasional cough from the workers on-shift, and the heavy tone of music coming from the cashier's headphones were the only major sounds within the small convenience store this late at night. There wasn't a lot of activity past around nine for the sleepy town of Ponyville, as a lot of its folk were too old or too young to care for running around past the early afternoon. Everything was quickly done in the day, errands were run before the evening reared its head, and everypony was more often than not settled down in their comfy little homes by the time Celestia's Sun had dipped below the horizon.
Of course, that didn't mean that folk didn't come in for a midnight snack.
A few of the staff's heads turned towards the front of the store as there was a telltale tinkling of the little bell above the entrance, as it was knocked by the reflective plate-glass door quietly sliding open on its track. Harsh fluorescent lighting overhead heralded a new customer inside, blaringly bright for ponies coming in at this time of night as Luna's Moon was not long past its apex.
The cashier behind the till --a rather bored-looking gothic Unicorn mare-- glanced up from her Wingboner Unfurled magazine from out under her short bangs as sound filled her senses. The corners of her mouth tugged into a slight smile, she uttered a short bark of a laugh at the sight, and her excessively make-up lined eyes promptly returned to ogling the sexy centrefolds in her nudie-mag. This one was not her problem.
The two customer assistants restocking the tinned goods section had mixed reactions on their new arrival as they saw exactly just who it was that had come to play.
"Oh fuck, Boxer, she's back!"
"Don't get all in a fuckin' tizzy, Snowy, let 'er do 'er thing."
"But it's so much clean-up, and it's... weird!"
"She's a weird fuckin' mare, mate."
"Can't I just... sorta gently... push her out the store?"
"Yeah, nah; I'll tell Stacks ya marehandled a customer-"
"Asshole."
"-an' watchin' ya flail about after 'er pretty little arse while ya bloody well can't do shit is the highlight of my otherwise dull fuckin' night, mate."
"Asshole."
One watched with utter eagerness, the other with complete trepidation, as the lavender Alicorn with a messily tied-up purple mop of a mane slowly shuffled in on her hooves, of which were snugly enveloped within black-and-grey striped long-socks. While not exactly erotic in the strictest sense, they were really only loungewear meant for being comfy around the house, in private. The lewdness of it was slightly diminished by the black pullover hoodie she wore though, as the hoodie's long baggy sleeves mostly covered the socks on her forelegs at the very least, but it didn't make the situation any less bizarre.
Her eyes were shut and she was fast asleep, while her spiralled horn was awash with light, a blaze of glowing-violet magic holding a medium-sized green mug in thrall that bore a little love-heart and science joke on it which Snowy didn't understand.
Why did she have the mug with her again?
Oblivious to the world, she shambled in along from the entrance like a zombie.
Snowy mumbled under his breath as she almost immediately stumbled forward and smacked her face into the glass of a divider near the register. Augury didn't even flick her attention away from her dirty magazine, fierce music blaring in her ears.
The Alicorn paused for a moment, a small snrk! escaping her. She hadn't cracked or broken the glass, or seemingly injured her snout, so that was a plus. He carefully trotted over as she continued moving along the divider, sliding the side of her face against the smooth surface and making it loudly whine as she left a streak of drool in her wake.
Okay, so far no damage, last time she--
Her chest promptly came into contact with a basket of discount items, knocking it over with a loud clang as it spilled its contents across the tiled floor. His ears flattened as he winced, he probably should have seen that coming, but that wasn't too bad. He approached and picked up the basket as she kept on, cleaning up the scattered items while she separated her face from the partition and languidly plodded in a new direction.
Maybe things would be fine.
The green mug lazily floated after her, almost connecting with his head as it went.
He jerked his head back in surprise, wide eyed as he saw it in the corner of his vision and settled into a frown, scowling at the offending object when it passed by mockingly slowly. He heard a chuckle from Boxer behind him and glared in that direction momentarily before following the Alicorn on her silent rampage.
He caught up behind her just in the nick of time, his pale icy-coloured magic ensnaring a hoof-stool in the aisle she'd trundled down and quickly moving it out of the mare's way so she didn't go arse-over-teat, and he cantered to meet her before she reached the end and accidentally walked into a freezer door.
He whined in exasperation as she suddenly jerked to the left, her right wing sharply pushing out into a full spread and knocking several glass jars of pasta sauce and condiments off the shelves next to her. A few smashed into shards and liquid as he tried and failed to catch them all in his meagre telekinesis as he wasn't the best at manipulating multiple objects at once. Boxer cackled in delight and stomped a hoof in amusement as he watched her create complete chaos, and Snowy scowled as he trotted around to the other aisle to witness her as she turned left at the end.
The mug followed, the love-heart on it taunting him as it disappeared from sight.
Things were not fine.
"Boxer! Help me out here!" Snowy shouted to his co-worker.
"Ya might wanna leave that fuckin' mess right now, mate." Came the reply.
Snowy scrambled back and around, almost slipping over in the spreading puddle of sauce across the previously-clean floor. His snow-white hooves were stained with bolognese and carbonara now, wonderful. He slid on his slick hooves as he ceased his movement, slowing next to Boxer as he observed the Alicorn currently standing still where she was in the next aisle, where the sweets and confectionery were kept.
It was an execution.
She was currently ripping open about twenty odd packets of chocolate biscuits and haphazardly throwing them around. The crumbs and chocolate from the packaging along with a few of the biscuits unlucky enough to be seized, were being mercilessly pulverised into powder during the barbaric attack on their little packaged homes. Biscuit dust flitted through the air as the crushed-up goods were strewn about in the Alicorn's purple haze of magic, surrounding her like a deliciously odd galaxy of snack food. The entire time that the biscuits were being systematically exterminated by an uncaring demi-goddess, the Alicorn herself was still quite fast asleep, her head lolling back to one side as a very thin line of saliva hung from her mouth.
She lightly snored as her magic wreaked havoc, and Snowy dared not approach as he wasn't sure how getting covered in crumbled biscuit would help his situation, and he was pretty certain that the Alicorn could probably spin a biscuit fast enough to pierce skin or lodge in an eye.
"You've got some red on ya, mate."
Snowy's brow furrowed at Boxer, then he looked down and saw his chest had a smattering of ketchup across it. He grumbled as Boxer chuckled again, turning his attention back to the dozing mare.
"Ya know, I thought I read that this fuckin' sheila's meant to live up in Canterlot." Boxer commented as the Alicorn unknowingly enacted her wrath upon a very unfortunate pack of gummy sweets, the little gelatin-free treats worryingly melting into a liquid and joining her current revolving galaxy in multi-coloured streaks of boiling fruit juice. "Wonder why she pops up 'ere every now an' then?"
"I don't know, I don't care. I just want her to go away." Snowy groaned dejectedly.
A packet of pink wafers was her next unfortunate victim. One dared to dream, to fly free in the face of complete annihilation, escaping her destructive maelstrom and shooting out so fast that it met its untimely demise anyway as it smashed directly into Snowy's forehead and made him jerk back in annoyance and lash his tail.
"You're not too lucky, mate." Boxer smirked.
The Alicorn then snored very loudly as her ears flicked and her head lolled to the other side, and she began to trot away again while the swirling cloud of junk food unceremoniously dropped. It all hit the tiles below her and scattered outward without ever getting on her, though some of it travelled along far enough and coated Snowy's coat in biscuit dust thanks to the pasta sauces staining him. He grimaced and sighed in defeat as he stepped through the mess, biscuit powder wetly crunching underhoof as he resigned himself to bear witness to the slayer of sweeties as she might consign yet even more confectionery to its immediate end, just so he knew what he needed to clean up in the aftermath.
He was taken by surprise when she came to an abrupt halt with an admittedly cute snore, the nice thought rapidly souring as she quickly resumed walking on just as fast as she'd stopped. He growled and swore that her mug was laughing at him, what did the little science graphic on it mean anyway?!
She soon slowed and stopped at the bakery in the far corner of the shop, head falling forwards as she dozed and tussling her messy mop. He expected that like last time she would destroy the Prench bread they hadn't sold and left out because it lasted longer, before moving onto the freezer section and spreading ice-cream all over the walls and ceiling, yet oddly he found himself being wrong as she simply stood for a time on her shapely legs, snoozing away somewhat peacefully.
Uuunnnnh was a noise that emanated from the mare.
Snowy very carefully edged in front of her on the tips of his stained hooves to see what held up the scary Alicorn, his perked ears lowered and he felt slightly confused when all he saw before her in the bakery were a few dozen leftover baked cookies from the morning shift no one had bothered to throw out just yet, they were likely a tad hard rather than perfectly soft and chewy now. He saw some white chocolate ones and some triple-choc-chip ones... surely that they dared to exist in the same postcode as the Alicorn warranted them a horrendous death?
"Kkk-cookk-eeee~" The mare whispered under her breath with a dopey little smile on her muzzle, her powerful purple corona gently picking up all twelve of the cookies and floating them over to her in a neat marching line. They encircled her like a ring around a planet, unhurriedly orbiting her neck as one was swiftly shoved in her mouth. "Kkkkkkkkcccoo..." She mumbled as she chewed, spraying a few crumbs.
He skirted back as she rapidly turned about, whipping him with her messy broom of a tail and stinging his face, and still not getting any of the grot plastered on him on herself, with the only mess she sported being the crumbs on her snout and muzzle. She stumbled and doddered back through the utter chaos she'd created and for fucks sake the crumbs and biscuit dust she trod through magically parted around her hooves as she flopped along.
Boxer watched with a great amount of contentment as she ended up toppling a few more jars into messy shattering pieces with her bottom while Snowy was somewhat considering being banished to the moon for the murder of a demi-goddess, if indeed that was actually possible to do. She staggered into the main aisle leading to the entrance and slowly made her way to exit with a final snrk!, and naturally, Augury didn't bother to look up as her music kept pounding.
The plate-glass door slid open along its track, and the Alicorn shambled outside into the chilly star-filled night.
Snowy felt partly disoriented as the mare was then engulfed in a massive violent burst of light and subsequently ceased to exist, as there followed a mighty flash followed by the crack of subdued lightning as she teleported away, leaving him with the afterimage of her curvaceous socked-up backside in his vision.
She was gone, thank fuck for that. Stupid attractive-
"Well..." Boxer began with a laugh, slugging Snowy on the shoulder. "That show was worth the fuckin' clean-up, deadset. C'mon then, mate, best get done before Stacks gets in on the next shift."
Snowy sighed in relief at the returned calm as Boxer wandered off. She'd gotten what she'd come for, and even though she made the store look like a bomb had been dropped on it, she was mercifully gone. He hoped that was the last time for quite some time that she showed herself again. He was about to turn back to get to work, however he briefly paused as his eye caught sight of something, and slowly felt a great dread dawn within his heart.
The green mug was lying on the pavement, she'd left it behind!
The Alicorn would be returning sooner rather than later...
Silly idea I had getting inspired by some of NCMares gorgeous art.
Hope ya liked it. 
I don't really write comedy, feed me comments and inform me of truths and misdeeds.
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He needs to look on the light side of things at least he only got Twilight to deal with, For i wonder how much of a mess Celestia and Luna or Cadance and her Demon spawn will make in this world if they have these half dead walks aswell
11271620
I can assure you, somewhere out there in Equestria, a cake shop holds the answer to the frightful question of Celestia.
11271620
11271796
I might have to make a fun little series of it.
So, like... does it just never occur to them to try waking her up?
Here’s a comment to feed on.
11271803
Sounds like fun
That was a unique idea. An unstoppable, invincible alicorn sleepwalking through a Store and unluckily destroying everything in her path? Yeah why not
I read it and was amused.
Ah, so Boxer's from Horsetralia? That explains the attitude.
11271860
Maybe I should have had him say 'cunt' a bunch.
Ah, I see the uncontrollable craving for sweets is something she shares with Celestia ;3
11271900
Celly has cake.
Twiggles has cookies and doughnuts.
Luna has 5000-degree Kelvin cups of Earl Grey tea.
I wonder if the Canterlot treasury just automatically pays these invoices when they randomly show up...
11271912
the terrified look on the chefs when she demanded "Tea, Grey, Plasma" though they say the tea kettle will be usable again in only 10,000 years
11271808
I imagine the cloud of snack foods is also a defensive shield
11272235
No snack food barrier can stand against a bucket of mop water.
Princess Cadance will be by shortly
derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/10/20/1006293.png
You're lucky she wasn't after coffee. (I loved writing that one.)
11272374
Pardon?
11272379
Georg wrote a story a while back that was also about Twilight sleepwalking. Only she was desiring coffee and not convenience store candy. It’s a great read. Very funny.
11272374
Glad to see you mention that story! Still a favorite of mine. Still hoping that we’ll see Dry Roast again one day.
11271796 Sadly most convenience store only carry little bitty snack cakes that would only annoy Celestia not to mention HOW FRESH are those things? Not sure how Luna will react to the slowly burning ancient coffee a lot of convenience stores sell then again there energy drinks cold coffees served in cans anymore
This was a fun read =)
Loved it. I know the exact art you're talking about because it's on the wall behind me. NCMares is a gem and this was fantastic. Thanks for the read.
How exactly that worked in a nation without a nudity taboo is a question best left to sociologists.
Delightful stuff. I'm sure the palace handles reimbursement quickly and quietly. Or else. This kind of blackmail over the reigning monarch can be priceless to the right party.
11272600
The Donut display cabinet is changed out every morning. So that is fresh every morning. Usually around 4AM. As for the shelves of prepackaged stuff, it depends on how popular it is. For the popular stuff, like Twinkies, three or four days old.
Really not as bad as you would think.
Now for the stuff that isn't popular, years old.
That being said, Im talking about a popular convenience store in a normal area, not a mom and pop privately owned hole in the wall, or a store that doesn't get any foot traffic.
11273811 was thinking of how small they are compared to what Celestia is used to and largely the prepackaged stuff which not really old wouldn't be nearly as fresh as she is used to either
In the words of the 9th Doctor...That was fantastic!
I really enjoyed this one! I do hope you make it series! Sleepwalking Alicorns must become a thing.
Reading the comments sometimes leads to more gold and more ideas.
11274245
I already have a part two in mind, but I don't think it'll go a series. We'll see.
heh silly twilight
That Sheila from Canterlot likes to have some fun mate !
Pretty alright but fix up the comedic timing and maybe shorten up some gags. like we get it twilight is messy
I SWEAR this is a Shawn Of the Dead reference
11280513
Aye.
Laugh out loud!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! The Berserker
11282005
GG lad, check out the sequel. ;)
This just introduced me to two glorious artists. Thank you for this!
I consider writers to also be artists, btw.