• Member Since 26th Mar, 2019
  • offline last seen 11 hours ago

TheFVguy


👁👁👁 From gloomy voids I was unnaturally born, forever unseen, until I have decided to be dubbed as FV 👁👁👁

E

Among the disarray of Princess Twilight's personal archives was a letter. Twilight's reign over Equestria was profoundly cherished by those who have lived it. One of the many decisions that her majesty has made, one many historians continue to debate today, is Discord's exile.

Many saw it as the most suitable punishment for the Lord of Chaos. The kingdom hasn't met any catastrophe relating to chaos since. But after this letter was published and open for the public to see, the decision became quite controversial with the newer generations of Equestrians.

Whatever opinions you may have after finishing this letter, know that these are the last written words from the Element of Kindness after she disappeared.


FLUTTERCORD SUBMISSION DAY #1: Distance

This is my first entry to FimFic and my submission for Fluttercord week. Killing two birds with one stone, or as I like to call it: Masscareing two chores with a chainsaw. A bit pretentious, I know.
Please critique the work as hard as you can, and I hope you'll enjoy my work for days to come.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 36 )

That was a good story.

Very good for a first upload. No major spelling mistakes, at least none that I noticed, and everything felt like it was paced well. Don't really have any critiques to give. It was just a nice read overall.

I do have to say, one part interests me. In the description, you wrote,

But after this letter was published and open for the public to see, the decision became quite controversial with the newer generations of Equestrians.

It's interesting because you don't give any context for this in the story. We're just reading a letter, not a story about Fort Knight and Original Character debating the ethics of a decision. You don't know that this is happening unless you read the long description.

In a way, it creates its own context for the story separate from the chapter. Someone who read the description and then the chapter could have a different interpretation to someone who read the chapter then glanced at the description. That's actually really interesting to me, and I'm not sure I've seen this in any other story I've read. A very nice touch in my opinion.

It also leaves some room for questions. Like, "How did the letter become public? The description says it was found in her archives, so did she give permission to search them? Is she dead and someone is looking through her castle?" or "How long has it been since Fluttershy left? Decades? Generations? Millennia?" And, "Did anyone other than the Elements know where she went? Because the description frames it like no one knew until the letter was discovered." None of these feel like forced mysteries. You didn't dangle something over our heads and say, "oooh, aren't you curious? It's mysterious!" You either intended or accidentally created subtle questions for us to think about. Overall, good story. It'll certainly make me think twice about not giving the long descriptions a proper read.

11130166
I'm very hesitant to read basically anything not already established, but this comment struck a chord with me that resonated "Good Writing!" Which admittedly is in a heavy drought on this website at the moment. Hoping this story lives up to it. Very insightful, thank you
Edit: Follow up
Fic was rough around the edges but definitely a pleasant surprise. Decent short story. Good job

Alright. This was amazing, and sad in a good way, I liked it, I loved it. and even though it was only there for a while I just wanted to let you know, that I found this story because it was in the Featured Box. You made it there with your first story and you should be very proud of that.

This is your first fic? Goodness, author, it’s amazing! This story hit me right in the feels. The first line itself, with ‘Dear Twilight’ crossed out in favor of ‘Ruler of Equestria’, punched my feelings and pulled my heartstrings.

Gorgeous work, TheFVguy. Keep it up!

That being said, I have to agree with 11130166 . The long descriptions is slightly misleading. Your description made it seem like we would get the public’s reaction, but we only got to see the letter and not the aftermath of its disclosure.

Ugh, this story just pulls at my heartstrings in all the right ways. I think you captured the tone of the letter perfectly—Fluttershy is angry, of course, and hurt, but mostly saddened by how things have turned out between her and Twilight. While I think it would have been interesting to see Twilight's reaction to this letter, and the reaction of anyone else who read it, the letter itself tells a powerful tale.

Wonderful first fic, both for Fluttercord Week and for FimFiction! Grammatically, this story isn't bad, though I'd keep a close eye on capitalizations. And this sentence, here:

Rarity nearly fainted but is very knowing I feel in love.

Feels a little bit choppy. Overall, this was an excellent story. :heart:

11130667
Oh man, fun fact: that part of the text was rough probably because this fic was around 800 words long at first, and it couldn't accept that. It had to be over 1000, and it was around 3:30 AM when I was working on it. I wrote some extra stuff, and it wasn't polished at all. lol

11130702
Oh. I accidentally clicked on the wrong comment. My apologies.

What a bitter sweet and emotional debut on fimfiction, just enough context to give it meaning but leaving so many questions for the audience to ponder. I hope to see more of your work in the future.
Congratulations on getting featured with your first post.

Glad to have you with us. Good story and featured right out of the box well done.

Wanderer D
Moderator

Not bad, but it's very OOC for Twilight and Fluttershy, especially with no context given to why she did what she did. Why would Fluttershy stay after that if it was such a massive breach of trust? Why would Twilight not consult them? What did Discord even do?

It's terribly one-sided, and really gives nothing but the thoughts of someone who claims to be Fluttershy, yet doesn't feel like her at all.

Heartbreaking, truly.

*chanting a la the audience on Jerry Springer* SE-QUEL! SE-QUEL! SE-QUEL!
This is amazing and I want to know the aftermath!
Also the drawing in the author's note is great.

This is your first?! Goodness me! This is very high quality writing! You should be VERY proud of your work here.

I like that we did not get context for what happened. It makes it more powerful. I do hope Fluttershy and Discord are happy.

It’s easy to see why many are acclaiming this for a debut writing effort. There are many things achieved here that one would normally only expect of seasoned writers, in particular an ability to make understated ness come across as a positive feature of the writing style, rather then just because the writing and description is sparse by being rushed.

I won’t dwell on the long description hinting at things not in the story (nailing long descriptions for short stories is a skill many around here don’t have, going on either pointless tangents, or taking shortcuts by putting much of the setup in them), nor the slightly slack pacing compared to the norm to inch past the 1,000 word mark. The lack of context is a double-edged sword, making the piece both more harrowing but also make it feel sloppy. Even if this wasn’t your first story, the lack of reasoning cannot help but come across at the scenario basically being invented purely to justify Fluttershy moving away with Discord.

Bottom line, some early-writer tics make themselves known, but so many in the technical quality and other areas are not present whatever, making for a mixed but still impressive piece. I’m sure, with a story that’s had more thought out into the character decisions and logical ramifications, you can produce something really good. As for this, I’ve added it to my Decent folder.

11131048
When I was writing the story I was lees prioritizing what the characters would have done in this situation, and more so creating an emotionally driven story.
I get that for a lot of people they can’t handle when the characters aren’t written exactly how they would picture them, and to be perfectly honest, I wrote this on the fly. So it’s incredibly unpolished.

The one thing I’m most proud of is the description, lol.

Wanderer D
Moderator

11131182

they can’t handle when the characters aren’t written exactly how they would picture them

That's a little bit condescending. I'm doing what you asked, and giving you feedback. So, I'll be a bit more direct about it.

They are out of character—not because you handled them different than I would like—but as a result of this being a single letter in a void of worldbuilding.

I can believe Fluttershy hating Twilight for a reason. But there's no real reason here other than Discord being exiled.

I can believe Twilight exiling Discord for a reason, but there is no reason here other than apparently, she felt like it.

The others seem to be implied to agree with Fluttershy, but apparently, they never made an effort to tell Twilight either in the two years it took for Flutters to muster the courage to tell her friend what she thought.

This takes away from the emotion you want to explore... because there's no growth into it. No one can objectively say whether Discord deserved the punishment or not. All they can say is that he's sorry, but 'sorry' doesn't cut it all the time for certain crimes. We don't know, though.

From the description you want to imply that Twilight's decision was wrong, or unnecessary, but we can't know that. We just know that Fluttershy took two years to make up her mind to actually act on something she thought was wrong. And there's no reason for her patience either.

This lack of background, build up, and context take away from what would otherwise be a much impactful piece.

Having said that, I'm not making a case for it not being good. It is very good, especially for a first piece, what I'm saying here is that these are things you might want to consider if you write something like this in the future. Maybe all the points, maybe one, or maybe none. As long as you're aware of what this feedback is trying to say, you'll have already improved.

11131193

That's a little bit condescending. I'm doing what you asked and giving you feedback. So, I'll be a bit more direct about it.

I wasn't trying to sound condescending at all, and I'm sorry if I offended in some capacity. I was talking more in general than your opinion on my fic, how some writers have a different vision for these characters. For example, some people prefer to see Discord as a villain, while others prefer exploring his redemption more. I agree with you on how frustrating it is when characters are different from what people are used to. Which also leads these characters to be OOC. I was less focused on how accurate the characters are to their source material and more on capturing a reader's attention. Both have their benefits and flaws. I'm aware that the lack of consistency takes away the emotional connection, alienating people who deeply know these characters.

Not trying to make excuses or anything. In the end, I was focusing more on getting the story finished and done in time while at the same time gripping the reader. And I genuinely appreciate your feedback, dude. I love it, and I mean that wholeheartedly. I fucking love you wishing to see me improve by giving you criticism. I'll sincerely keep what you said in mind. I love reading fanfiction, and I'm willing to better my weaknesses, which character accuracy seems to be one of them.

There are a lot of unanswered questions, which, yeah, it's not for everybody. I purposely made it vague that way. I wasn't trying to imply Twilight's decision was evil, and I mentioned how the kingdom benefited from it. It simply gained controversy after this letter was published. But it's fine, make the story of what you will. I love seeing people interpret what they see fit in my work.

:moustache: Annarchy in the kingdom
:twilightsheepish: Right , My kingdom's fine
:moustache: You don't understand Annarchy's rocking the kingdom
:twilightangry2: What are you talking about?
:raritystarry: Annarchy's at the castle doors!
:moustache: She wants revenge for what you did to her dad Discord
:twilightoops: Discord?
:pinkiecrazy: Let's just say she's a daddy's girl
:duck: And she's not here for a play date
:facehoof: doomed
:moustache: I told you we should of just taken his O&O character sheet away....
:flutterrage: I'm so peeved ......

That was really good for a first story! I enjoyed it a lot even though it really hurt me too at the same time. :fluttershysad:

Most likely this letter is read a generation later by the public. Whatever the reason Twilight had to. Banish discord he lives still but Fluttershy most likely past away to old age.

11131193
Ey, this comment doesn't deserve 3 dislikes, come on guys.

11131048
Uh, the "Grogar" stunt?

Wanderer D
Moderator

11131672 That's something that canonically they got over. It wasn't enough then, and it isn't enough now. Just because you can think up events, doesn't mean that Twilight would just banish him for that.

Regardless of the specifics, a bit more information would have gone a long way to at least allow us to relate to either of the two stances, even if he hadn't spelled out what happened.

(Edited): The point here is that this is a mistake very commonly made in fanfiction, which is relying on the readers already knowing everything in order to justify whatever is happening.

The author here doesn't need to tell us bullet point by bullet point what happened in order for us to get more context. For example:

"I still can't believe you exiled Discord over the Grogar incident!" Fluttershy wrote.

Relies entirely on the reader knowing what that was to understand how sever it was.

"Discord my have overstepped his bounds when he turned the town hall into chocolate, but it was a misunderstanding! I can't believe you would exile him over that, especially when he said he was sorry and promised to do better!

Gives us context. Of course this example is very heavy-handed and not that great writing, but I think it drives the point across.

Wanderer D
Moderator

11131535 It's okay. The fact that it's just dislikes and no arguing the points made means that they're simply getting offended for the sake of getting offended. Giving feedback that doesn't cater to their expectations usually results in that, because they don't get it's not an attack on the author or the story.

Hmm.

I enjoy this story, but I feel like the story is meant to sway me in the direction of agreeing with Fluttershy. But I can't. I can't because I don't know why Discord was exiled. What pushed Twilight over the edge? Was it really something that an apology could fix? I don't know. No matter how sorry someone is, if a deed is bad enough no amount of apologies can fix something. And I can't see Twilight banishing him for something that isn't horrifying in nature. If it isn't, then maybe Fluttershy would be in the right, but then I'd have to ask 'why.'

Other than that, I enjoyed it. But I still can't quite be as empathetic with Fluttershy without knowing the exact context.

That letter fells like a good write, but it's supposed to be a part of something, like a puzzle piece. If it weren't for the description, there'd be no real context for it. You do have a good way with making people see the blanks and try filling them in themselves, though. Have an upvote and keep up the good work!

I hope Twilight breaks the spell too. I'd like to see how or if they reconcile in a sequel if you plan on making one.

For being a first story, it's very good Some obvious errors here and there, but overall it's not bad. I know people have already complained about context and lack thereof, the out of character nature of the people involved, etc. I won't bore you with that, as my opinions are just that: opinions. So instead, I'll give you the only one that should matter: you did a good job for your first foray into the world of fimfiction. Good job. Not perfect, but decent.

You must be kidding! This can't be your first story! It's way too great!

You must be very talented. Apart from the few errors, this was awesome!

This was really really good I hope to see a part 2 or something to see everyone’s reaction. But sounds like it’s too late for twilight to make amends

That's heartbreaking - well done.

Wow, yeah, I'll repeat what a lot of people have said— for your first story on FimFic, this was pretty damn good. I won't repeat some of the actual story critique, since I don't really have anything to add that hasn't already been said, but I will say that there are a lot of technical kinks that could have been worked out (that's kinda my specialty, so don't feel singled out).
For a first story finished at 3am, though? Serious kudos. :twilightsmile:

Wow, this story really punched hard and fast with its subject matter. With a few words, you managed to portray ire, revenge, love, and friendship all at once, and that deserves some praise.
I mean, in regards to criticism, I feel it's a crime that it's too short and that we get absolutely no input from Twilight whatsoever. We're left with Fluttershy's damning words.

The story's very own description:

Among the disarray of Princess Twilight's personal archives was a letter. Twilight's reign over Equestria was profoundly cherished by those who have lived it. One of the many decisions that her majesty has made, one many historians continue to debate today, is Discord's exile.

Suggests that it isn't even Twilight reading it, but it being a public reading made out and about. It kinda feels like half a sandwich
Now, it is a DAMN good half a sandwich, and props to getting such a thing done in one sitting, at 3 AM, and with 1k words. It has a heart but it leaves us with nothing else, it leaves us with no actual resolution.

Still, you can chalk that up to 'art-style'. I liked it very much. Thank you for writing this

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