Rarity is working on a large order. It would be easier if she weren't distracted by thoughts of a certain pink pony.
--------
Sequel here: In Pursuit of Happiness
Reworked the story so it reads better. 4/20/2013
Chapters (3)
Spice of Life
Joined 21st Jun, 2012 ·
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Please go on.
Not bad at all. Some of the sentences are worded a bit awkwardly, but overall you stayed in character and pulled me in.
Well, that was adorable.
encrypted-tbn3.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQZto_vlUVwTOOZQqcbvAL_B11cjr_zD1_SMxHupejxJTei_AfG
1250430
Can you point those out to me?
Very sweet. (Which is what we're hoping for in something like this, right?)
1250416
I'm thinking about doing a sequel or this same story but from Pinkie's perspective. I think either could work.
1250882
Pretty much, one reason I wrote this was because I got tired of some of the tropes that show up allot in romance on here. Like going from attraction to love instantly.
I found myself d'awwwing frequently while reading this one. Nice work
Very nice!
Now thats an odd pairing, can't say that I have seen it before.
Cute story, I liked it , only complaint being that its a tad short.
Have a thumb and a happy Pinkie.
Very cute and sweet.
Just a disclaimer, I've not read the sequel to this yet, though I do intend to. It may be that a great deal of what I say doesn't apply, however I'll just put it down and let you decide that for yourself.
Before I get into any of these critiques, I'd like to say that the world you've created is compelling, interesting and engaging. This is mostly because of the great set up you've got with Rarity and the events leading up to present. The story is cute, the narrative is fun and easy to follow and I found it overall to be incredibly enjoyable. Please don't take the critiques following as detracting from this, its a nice piece and I found it very enjoyable to read.
All right. To begin, there's a litany of very minor grammatical errors that I honestly had not noticed until my second read through. I'll list a few examples of common errors , however a good proofreader with a fine tooth comb would be needed. Like I said, the scanning on my first read didn't even notice these, but as I look more closely I see more and more.
"Almost half way done"; 'mind numbing nature of this' Should be halfway and mind-numbing.
There's actually quite a few instances of this where there's a missing hyphen or separated words that should be compound. A spell checker obviously wouldn't pick up on this, so the only option is to literally read through and find them all.
'The dull mind numbing nature of this was wearing on her.' should be dull, mind-numbing as it is missing the comma.
Likewise ' At the start she had actually enjoyed being" should be At the start, she.
You've used a lot of appositives and introductory clauses to make and emphasize points, so the missing commas become more important as the clauses pile up. Ramming two clauses together without a comma leaves the brain without a clear place to stop. It's less important here but it also appears elsewhere
This leads to sentences like this 'When Pinkie would throw a party she would make a special cupcake for Rarity, usually with a sugar gem on top or even one of Rarity's dress designs on top, drawn with frosting.' There should be a comma after 'throw a party' which means there are 4 separate ideas/clauses occurring here. It's not quite a run on sentence and not grammatically incorrect, but having that many ideas in one sentence feels disjointed and all over the place, it may be something to keep an eye on.
There are other minor issues ("I'm glad you like it darling" is missing a period. "hehe, ok Rarity, I guess the Cakes" is not capitalized at start. "More than one of Rarity's hoofmade outfits was" should be were as you're talking about plural. "not that she had anything about pink" should be against pink) but none of these really get in the way of the reading of it, and I'd like to talk a little about the flow here.
Something was bothering me on my first read through of this, and it took quite a while for me to put my finger on it. The flashback/memory/straight exposition section of Rarity recalling the relationship up to now ends up being too telling rather than showing because we're simply being given an account of what happened in terms of events. Fortunately, there are tidbits of Rarity's reactions to what happened interspersed throughout to keep us from feeling like the author is just trying to shove information at us to get us up to speed. Even still, it feels very much like a "Here's a run down of what's happened so the present makes sense" kind of section.
The one exception to this was the description of the first date. That is the feel that the description of the parties, being asked to go out, and everything preceding and following should have had. In the description of the first date we're given Rarity's view on specific things that happened. The way they were dressed, the expectations, how Pinkie could hardly keep herself still. We need more of that type of exploration to make the rest of the exposition feel like we're seeing the story, not being told "this happened, then this happened, and now you know how we got together."
One thing that you might wish to explore is putting in dialogue into the memories. I say this because the dialogue at the end sounded very nice and very in character. I feel kinda lost thinking about how Pinkie Pie would have asked Rarity out, and what she would say. Since you have both their voices down so well, I think that would be something that could really benefit from some speech. Again, what's needed is something that isn't generalized. A conversation, a set of specific circumstances surrounding these events, all of this would help the impact of that exposition. Right now it feels like an author talking at its readers, rather than a viewer looking into a character's memories.
I hope I didn't turn you off too hard with the grammar issues at start, and I also hope that my suggestions are clear enough to be understood. And, as always, feel free to disagree with my opinions, as they are simply my opinions. I do hope you'll at least taken them under consideration however, because I do think they merit that.
Now, on to read the sequel. Err..... ::checks the time:: perhaps tomorrow.
Best of luck.
-Duskrider
1351929
If I ever do a 3rd part to the series then Ill think about changing up the grammar. As it stands now, if I go back Ill be too tempted to change a few things in it then Ill have to change some stuff in the second part also since there are a few lil pieces that are bugging me.
I didn't intend for it to sound leading, although since the perspective is all from Rarity it kind of makes sense. Shes essentially telling the story, just indirectly. When I wrote this I wasn't that comfortable doing dialog from such well established characters. The sequel has much more speech in it.
www3.picturepush.com/photo/a/6443321/480/Others/interdasting.jpg?v0
I would enjoy more/
Yay.
Second best ship ever.
aaaww das sweet
i mean-
oh god, whats happening to me?!
1589095
Right in the feels.
Pinkie and Rarity in public while in love; insanity and messes ensues
Short and sweet, kinda suprised it dosent have more upvotes.
Single typo BTW you have rarity's aura as purple lifting the cake, its blue. Just a slight mistake, liked the story though!
1642781
I'm guessing its because its not the most popular shipping pair around and because I suuuuuuuuck at the descriptions for my stories.
1818276
Nahh it is just kinda hard to pair reserved and classy with wild and carefree.
1818299
I don't know, it seemed to work fine here. Id say its more likely because Pinkie and Rarity are two of the less popular of the mane six.
So I saw you disparaging yourself on KitsuneRisu's 'Collide' and had to wander over to take a look myself, and thus judge you harshly.
Well.
I see little to be harsh about.
You captured the character very well, particularly how I would see Pinkie, if she were trying to act less Pinkie. A few tiny grammar errors, but whatever; those are nothing. It is the story I was here for, and it was an unexpectedly good one that ended with fuzzy feels, which I always approve of. Well done.
On to chapter 2!
Welp, speaking as someone who has Church all in a lather about apparently being good at such things, I think you are rather good at descriptors and getting feelings across. This is a difficult pair to combine, but you have their individual voices and personalities down cold. The combination of the two as a ship is a difficult one, we are talking master-class level here, but you've done an admirable job of tackling it.
Well done.
1974204
I'm glad you've enjoyed it so far, when I said I suck at descriptions I was mostly talking about the summary of the stories for when people are looking though them to find new ones, I tend to universally view mine as horrible since I hate giving spoilers and that impacts my ability to talk about what happens. Although I do also view my descriptions in stories as weak too so I try to give just enough so that the reader can create a mental image but not enough to suck too bad. I'm a bit of a perfectionist so I tend to be quite hard on my own writing.
I tried to keep Pinkie a bit more grounded than I usually see her written, it always kinda bugged me when she would really just act as a 4th wall breaking single joke character, shes much deeper than that in the show.
This is the first shipping I have read for Rarity and Pinkie, since I never really thought about these two together, but I am loving it so far!
Right now I am just hopping Rarity didn't say "I love you" too prematurely
2522535
is a pretty uncommon paring but I really enjoy them together despite the fact it takes a bit of imagination, it not as obvious as something like 
. I hope you enjoy the sequel also, its unfinished but its getting there.
Glad to hear your enjoying it,
Did this just do what I think it did?.....Did it just....
Convert me to RariPieism?!?!
2823976
Well if this one didn't then the sequel should.
2824399 I will definitely have to get to that sequel as soon as I possibly can.
Cute but simple.
Very cute
The story reads?? 0.o Personification is scary sometimes.
A worthy beginning; cute and even a bit romantic. Let's see how this plays out, eh?
1351929
I love your critical thinking, but I think you meant "There *are actually quite a few instances of this." It says "There's," yet "instances" is obviously plural. On a related note, you forgot the spacing before that paragraph and the period at the end of a later one.
This is promising..!
What a simple-but-cute way to complete a simple-but-cute story. I simply must get to the sequel and see if any more excitement comes up. RariPie is officially part of my new configuration for the Mane Six as of today.
3549538
The power of RariPie is great and adorable. Glad you enjoyed the story, let me know what you think about the sequel.
3549454
I have been skewered! I suppose that's one way to put a proofreader in her place, huh? ^^
3550416
Haha! ^_^ I suppose so. I just thought it was a bit funny that you let little things like that slide while talking about similar issues. No harm done, though. ;P
On an unrelated note, how is it that you all reply to users' comments directly by name while I seem to be replying to an ID number of some sort? I feel as though I'm missing something.
3550416
I never did hear what you thought about the sequel, hint hint hint.
3550471
I'll point out that In pursuit only just finished, what a month ago? And it's much longer than this was. I've only read it through once so I still need to go back over it before I make any notes.
However, now I come back here and see that you've added two chapters to this when it once was labeled complete! So many items on my read it later bin. I'll get to it at some point, I'm sure. For now, however, this has been added back to the queue.
'Til then.
3553485
Actually the other 2 chapters in this story were added before I started working on the sequel. I did re-edit them recently so they didn't suck though. Originally I had the first and second chapters here as separate stories but after writing the third one I decided to just combine them into one story.
'In Pursuit of Happiness' took entirely too long to write.
well, all i can say is very very cute
. luv t fic n' now onward to t sequel! 
Client: "These look great, Rarity! I just love the griffin heads on these...wait, back up a second...that's not a griffin; that's your friend Pinkamina Pie, right? What's her face doing on this?"
Rarity: "Uh...I'm dreadfully sorry, sir, I must have lost focus while making that one. I must apologise for my error..."
Pinkie: *Popping out of Rarity's kitchen* "Surprise! I'm her marefriend! She must've been thinking about me! Can I keep it?"
...Yeah, not an author at all, despite how much I love reading. I just can't correctly characterise, uh, characters.