- Member Since 4th Jun, 2019
- offline last seen 4 hours ago
The Loner
The world of fantasy is where I feel at home, where I can write whatever I want and not feel judged by the world
The Loner
Joined 4th Jun, 2019 ·
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What's wrong with the story?
OH! So that's what you meant earlier in the PM.
10890428
Nothing really. This is good, and it seems that this is over 150 years after the events of both the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings.
10890442
Yes, it is. This is only the beginning of the story, more is yet to come so don't be hasty with judging it before reading it. If anyone did the research, they would learn that dwarves in the Hobbit and LOTR age slower than humans do.
10890445
Makes sense, but the Elves have the bigger lifespans, and have eternal youth as a very good bonus.
I havent read this, yet! I AM excited. I just have a question before I start reading. How are you going to potray the ponies? My hope is equals or what have you?
Like I am hoping after story that is favorable to the dwarfs with out taking away from the story? If I am making sense?
I like this story it made it ware the pony’s do have the same language as the dwarf’s
I have read all of it. I AM still excited. A time before ponies? Before well anything? Im curious with the introducution of Dwarfs will we see massive change?
Or will their be a largely same same?
(I am hoping for later. Because this cool. It will be largely cooler if stuff is allowed to be different. But! I fairly certain this is your intention so...cool!)
Now onto your writing. I have it...well? It is oddly detracting from what is happening. After reading many passages, I have discovered it is due to a past tense voice and queer sense of telling?
There is also a odd sentence of time? Like I am not sure how long things happen? I want to know more but your not telling me....vibe.
I would say this a consistent and seens deliberate. I will still be reading because this cool! And I want to support a creative writer. Perhaps you were going for a folk tale vibe? Indictive of tolkien? Hmm?
Ps. Ultimately these are just observastions. Take my words with a grain of salt. Peace!
Ps. After reading some more. The problem is that instead characters being able to just do something. There is...instead Qualifiers. Like then or otherwise that take from the flow.
Like Joe jumped. Falling as wind blew tossing long hair behind in long streak of black. (Ok?)
The example (
(King Ornir looks behind him to see the mare staring over the edge and not moving, clapping his hands to get her attention saying, "Hey, just stay calm when you are in a high place, going into a panic will only cause you more problems. Focus on the goal, and be mindful where you step.")
Which could be
(King Ornir turned. The clatter of bones echoed in the tall cavern. His eyes sparked at the sight of a mare. Stiff. Legs weighted by fright and a sheen of sweat.
Knowing better. Doing better...well he was king, was he not?
He looked down.
His held the glaring mad dark. The bones that he had heard. Surely heard. Never clattered. He turned again. His long braided beard twisting in wind meant for darking things then them.
He took a breath then let it go.
Mare!
Mare!
Her head twisted on cut strings. Jerky and off. Green eyes that flared under fear took the creature.
"stay calm"
He shifted under the raw weight of his hammer
)
(Not sure about this sentence.
when you are in a high place, going into a panic will only cause you more problems. Focus on the goal, and be mindful where you step.")
You brake the dialogue up a touch more and fill with...all kinds of spicy, fun details. Just imagine all the spicy things. One wants to write about.
10890860
I am trying for a present tense vibe here, but I like how descriptive you are. Message me with ideas, I wasn't intending for this to be like a story. I just couldn't think of a different way to start writing for it.
10891015
Truthfully I respect that you just wrote it. Sinply put the more you write the more you grow. And if you see on my stuff you have written more. Your early stuff is good.. Did you want me to write you ideas on? How to write? Help with your work?
Help by editing?
If so I would not mind. Your really creative and you seem to enjoy writing. So...sure.
Ls. My oldest work. Was really really really bad. In truth. I stuggle to read my older works becauee I really dislike. Except my applejack one or the shattering of belgrind. Those were good.
10891029
Oh definitely, I welcome any help I can get. My greatest issue is the fact that I abuse the hell out of AND THEN when I am struggling with coming up with what to write.
Sorry all, but I am going to make some edits with the ponies' way of thinking to show you where they are at in their current sapient evolution. Have to make it more wild-animal related, meaning that they have a basic understanding of the world around them. I'm going to try to help you all understand how they think, the key word: TRY.
Question for all of you, do you think that I should time skip ahead after a certain point and write sequels that fill in the events between?
10907600
I guess, that could work.
Alternatively, adding a time skip and then conveying important events through flashbacks might also work^^
Thanks for replying, I enjoy getting feedback from my readers. I just would hate to go through the progression and bore the hell out of everyone, even before getting to the best part of the story.
"Mines" at the end.
10910600
lmfao thanks for catching that XD
I see a story for dwarfs and I read it dwarfs good
Oh great! Changelings now?!
It's sad that that the famous mountain: Erebor, is somehow dying???!!! Is that the Lord of the Rings (Lotr ) version of the "end times"?!
10915389
Not the end times, but it is the end for their home. It is also the beginning of a new era for the Dwarves of Erebor.
10915486
Well, thank goodness for the Dwarves. But, how does a giant mountain "die" like that?!
10915496
...well...technically speaking, it doesn't actually die. It evolves into something wondrous and dangerous, the next chapter will explain.
10916629
I mean, I am a Lord of the Rings fan as well. But, I only watch the Movie Trilogy, and the Hobbit Prequel Trilogy. And both own the DVD's. 👍
And also watched the Two Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor/War Games ( Telling the Badass, but tragic story of the legendary Talion ) on YouTube Game Play thoughs.
So, hearing about Erebor ( The same Dwarf Mountain that Biblo Baggings, the late Thorin, and his band of Dwarf fellowship risked and even lose some of their own lives for. And there was a FRICKIN Battle for the control of the mountain, after Smaug the evil fire dragon was finally killed. ) "evolves" into something else, is a shocking surprise for me?!
10907600
Quick question, have the dwarves reclaimed the city of Khazad-dûm/Dwarrowdelf at this point?
(that destroyed underground dwarven city in LOTR, Which the fellowship try to travel through to get past the misty mountains, that one with the giant flaming creature which was later killed by gandalf)
10917167
You mean Moria?
Oh great, I love dwarves and they're from LotR too! That is awesome!
😀
10918008
Yes, they are the same.
yes yes
"Two years later"
Are these the ashes of the goblins you burned?
Yes sire.
How are they still here?
Not a bad story so far. I have a few pointers though.
1. I noticed you got a lot of run-on sentences that go for way too long. Try to have a sentence contain only a single idea or action, and resist the urge to keep going.
2. Your dialogue is weak, and it seems as though you have a clear idea of what you need them to say but arent really adding much personality to it. We don't get much look at the personality of the dwarves through speech, which should be your secondary goal of all dialogue.
3. You use alot of "This happened, then this happened, then this happened." Try to have your actions flow into one another, describe the actual movements themselves, instead of "he helped the other dwarf then he grabbed his hammer, then he hit the monster."
All in all your doing great, and I like the unique world you've got. Keep it up!
P.S you also use months weirdly. Like they did something less then an hour ago like
That happened the same day. Did we miss a massive time skip? You also do this in the first chapter when hes working which is weird.
P.p.s Minor nitpick but its dwarves. Tolkien fought hard for his dwarves to use the v instead of f when pluralized.
10920406
Oops, that was supposed to be moments lol. There, now it is fixed.
This makes no dang sense?! How the heck can she go "berserk", when she doesn't even have her back legs to begin with. So, she can run into a "rampage" or anything?!
Not mention that she is already dying of blood loss and shock. So, she will sadly die before her adrenaline pumps her up.
But, I doubt that will happened. Because again, blood loss and total shock from the pain.
This could be a hidden "blessing" in disguise? Because, at least you are all alive. Instead, of what happened in canon with Erebor's tragic destruction. And then "evolved" into something else?!
10921164
The dying part refers to the mountain, should have double-checked lol.
10921231
You mean, ask me to double-check?!
10921380
yes lol, my bad.
10921938
Well, don't blame me! It's very confusing to name things like mountains for example, with a "He/She"?!
Anyway to recap, Shelly sadly died. But, the Arkenstone turns out to be a crystal seed the whole time?! Then it revives her somehow?! Then, she rename herself: "Guardian Queen", and will basically protect Equestria/Equis?
This is a a lot to go though!
Wait a second?! Is she a past version of the Spirit of Harmony, and the Arkenstone's "seed" is the Tree of Harmony itself???!!! Dang, history is already changing. Because, it was the Pillars and Starswirl that created the Tree in Canon.
Well duh! Of course you have to get rid of them. Goblins, and Ogres don't know morally good things. And have to be permanently taken down to save the innocent over here.
Excellent work
10922484
Hope that the scenes are different enough to not cause issues with the episodes.
Nope.
I will say even with the break neck pacing you can still convey a lot in say a single or two or even three paragraphs. Or even a sentence...at that point thats almost pure style. I have read micro storys that are literally a sentence. They great!
The scene with queen alara? Was well certainly not poor. The dialogue was weirdly jarring and fine? Like it needed was flow of things...yes? Environmental story trlling could have lended nicely to the scene.
Further, you could even argue you dont need the descriptions. But there could been more life in the dialogue and a very sparce set of descripitions...honestlyI am thinking that the storm outside the crystal empire was the dwarves doing. How does Sombra fit in? I wonder?
Also...I kind of wish for a little more...regret? I.e Queen Alara. Like I can infer a lot because I know the property? Crystal empire and such...The only reason I bring it is if you ever want to do more original work...it will be more difficult to relie on that knowledge...To be honest as I am writing my novels thats one of things I realized. Fanfiction is amazing and useful...it also can stunt your growth if you dont reflect on those questions that come apparent in orginal or more descriptive writing. I think?
This all subjective? Have you read barrasca? That is literally entirely dialogue driven (spicy stuff) so take what I say not as gospel but as sort...does it apply to what you want to do? Consider if you will the following thought...
What if you can lean into the way you naturally tend to write? To be able to tell storys the way only you could tell? But also honing your style to 8th degree? Hmm?
I am excited for this...I curious if their are any artifacts that abound. I think stressing this world has been impacted by dwarven presenece? Mind, other then say their actual presenece and the crystal heart?
Just in the realm of fleshing out the world you have created and making it feel more real.
plot that will be used later...yes.
It just occured to me...like no one was raising the sun before...why does it need to be raised? And will you be making Celestia and Luna God's in this verse?
10922562
of course I won't be, they are just normal ponies that are treated like royalty.
Excellent work keep up they not many dawf stories
Weird thought, but im wondering how their languages evolved to sound almost the same even though they have been separated for thousands of years
What is the next Lord of the Rings fanfiction you're going to write after this was completed my suggestion elves
10923196
Umm...I'm not planning on one for the elves, but you can go ahead and do one.
I don't like this queen! Firstly, the Dwarves probably SAVE their butts from a unknown threat. Possibly the Umbrums or something?! But, I guess she is "too pacifist" for her own good. And being a ungrateful bitch against her damn savers????!!!!
And the next thing? The recent dwarf king ( King Ardun ) actually made the Crystal Heart. ( And also possibly help the Crystal Ponies craft crystal, and their home empire. So, they should be SUPER grateful, and NOT be asses like that bitch queen! )
And as a good gesture, gave it to the ungrateful queen that would help them greatly in the future. And now this queen has the AUDACITY to say "thank you, and have a safe journey". Without feeling being regretful for what she said?! Or being very cruel with her stupid "Thousand Years Banishment/Exile" from the Crystal Empire?! ( But, it's redundant anyway. Because it's already 2,500 years later in the present day, Bitch!!!!! :-P )
I'm glad she is not a queen for that long, I guess. I know that sounds cruel. But, I HATE her rude attitude against the Dwarves that saved her ass and her subjects?!