Melody Brush
Joined 3rd Nov, 2012 ·
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So, I am interested in the story, but you need a proof reader. Your tenses are mixed up, especially at the beginning, and there are lots of small mistakes. The little things add up, and this became a chore to read through even though I am interested in the story. Also, there is an instance where you use Cadence's name when Cadence is talking about Celestia.
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I have Grammarly to try and eliminate as many of the errors as possible. Back when I first got active, I had friends willing to help with proofreading, but now I'm only just getting back into the swing of things. I'd appreciate any help, and I'm thankful for your critique.
Interesting, I wanna see where this goes
10717678
Were you able to read this okay? I just got a premium Grammarly to improve the writing.
where did the chaos noodle go?
Err who to the who what now?
no. no. no. bad writer. naughty.
10717776
Thank you for pointing those errors out. Didn't I describe Spike found a mate and chose to live with his new family?
10717791
spike is not the chaos noodle, that is discord . .
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Oh, silly me. Honestly, I had forgotten about him. Maybe he'll make a cameo later. Crash the party or something. Maybe he just stopped showing up after Fluttershy left the world. I don't know yet.
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I got the jist of it, but improving on your grammar is always a great in together. It will help you out your story a lot
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I do have a desire to write for the world someday. This is a great place to get some practice, and judging by my track record, I tend to tell good stories. I need to improve my Grammar. Maybe I should start a Patreon and see if my readers are willing to help me keep the premium going.
All in all, I like this story so far, and looking forward to see more. :)
10719185
Looking forward to writing more.
I just skipped this chapter, because the whole thing with Celestia and Luna feels unneeded in every way. But I do have one question. Is being a hermaphrodite an alicorn thing, or is it just magic during sex?
Cause this story is dead to me if all alicorns have male genitalia.
Is that a good reaction from Flurry? I can't tell.
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I was going with the idea she was so full of joy she just took off like a rocket.
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Ah. That makes things easier, knowing that now. Hard to know sometimes. But that's just me 😅.
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It could also be my amateurish storytelling. I'm no pro, but I do try to put what's in my head into words.
Love the story so far but I notice a small typo and just wanted to help keep up the great work on the story :)
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How did I or my program not catch that? Thank you for pointing that out to me.
Shouldn’t it be Twilight SPARKLE?
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Oops. Thank you for pointing that out.
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No prob
10748835
I have a grammar program installed to keep my writing as neet as possible, but mistakes still make their way inside.
10748842
Oh trust me. I know
My friends and I used to joke that one way to identify a classic Spider Robinson story was that it ended something like this, "Then everyone got married to each other and then they all got pregnant and then they all had twins!"
This story is moving toward that kind of happy ending.
Okay, seriously. What are you overdosing on coming up with this stuff? Cause you have to be for 99% of this to make any sense.
Though I'm all for a three way for Twilight, Cadance, and Flurry. Celestia and Luna in the mix... Not so much. Still sticking around though.
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I definitely want a happy ending for all of the girls, but I don't think I'm going as far as all of them getting pregnant with twins. At the very least, they all become one happy royal family.
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I just have one crazy mind. I think of a scenario, start writing, and see how it goes. I'm glad you're enjoying it enough to keep reading. I only want to entertain somehow.
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I always thought Spider was over the top!
You do you! I am enjoying the story! Thank you for sharing it.
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Honestly, I had never heard of Spider before. I just write something down, and if it happens to compare with anything, it's not by intention. I'm glad you're enjoying it.
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.
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