- Member Since 16th Dec, 2016
- offline last seen Aug 1st, 2022
Albano16
I'm a pretty chill, kind, lovable kinda guy. And my stories reflect that. I pronounce my username as: al-bu-no 16
Albano16
Joined 16th Dec, 2016 ·
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Please keep hate to a minimum. I will only accept Advice and/or constructive criticism.
Thank you.
I will try to get all of them in before January. Maybe just a little later.
I'm very interested in this story.
7802836
Why thank you!
Now I shall edit the next chapter and upload it to fimfiction!
7802842
Cool
7799950 you need to slow down also twi would never say 'ya'
I hope this is some new-fangled term for ripping phat clouds while vaping or something.
Also, without going into too many examples, you need a pre-reader badly.
I know it can be exciting to write something, and the urge to throw it on the site as quick as possible is tempting, but you really should take some time to go over it a couple times before doing so. If you'd like more specific examples of problems you need to focus on, lemme know and remember that everyone starts somewhere.
7803969
Thanks for your input. Especially the first two. I feel so dumb for not catching that...
And the last one, the one rainbow dash said, that is my interpretation of what the character would most likely say in that given situation. Based on her personality, she likes to brag and say stuff that make her look good, if not great. (Which is why twilight rolled her eyes.)
And the other one:
You would be surprised to if you seen your crush standing in front of you after just reading things to impress her.
And now for auditable.
Its a real word. And I'm sorry for over using it (Twice) if that's what your asking.
7804203
Hmmm. You, ummm definitely need a pre-reader. There's a few things you didn't catch in what I was showing you.
I wasn't criticizing the line itself. When it comes to Rainbow Dash characterization, it's spot on. The word "awhile" in the sentence is misspelled.
The word "auditable" is defined as: to make an audit of; examine (accounts, records, etc.) for purposes of verification:
The word you're needing to use here is "audible" which is defined as: capable of being heard; loud enough to be heard; actually heard.
If I have enough time today I'll make up a google doc with the issues in this story highlighted.
Try not to break character and "stop the story" to talk to the audience. It completely kills the flow of the story.
Save it for before we start reading, and then make comments afterwords if necessary.
7804623
"If I have enough time today I'll make up a google doc with the issues in this story highlighted."
That, I actually wouldn't mind.
7804772
Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.
Fun Fact: the only reason why I did it was because of a story I read by the rarispy. That dude is really amazing!!!! I would check him out if I were you.
If you want to find the story's that he made, cheake out my profile. They are all under: Bucking awesome storys. Or something like that.
7803042
Thank you, I have fixed the "ya" thing. It is quite embarrassing to see a typo on something I proof read countless times....
Also, I know things might go a bit to fast, I'm sorry.... I do try to go back and fix things where things need fixing. So if you may, may you please show me where things are going to fast? I'll try to fix it. Thank you for your time.
And if I may ask one more question. How do you like the story so far? Anything you like? Dislike?
Nice chapter keep it up
7812494
Thanks! Is there any particular thing that you liked about it or would like to see more of?
7811497
straight out of nowhere instant crush no build
OOC for so many reasons. The pegasus thats capable of supersonic flight wasnt able to to catch a cloud, and im pretty sure if she failed that badly she would be more evasive about why she wants to stay at twis place
how is that sarcastic in any way. A tip if you will speak you characters conversations out loud as you type
also we dont need to know how long it is to 11 so change it to somthing different like “Cool with me Twi so what can we do till then time
NO BAD author NO omnipotence delete this
ok 2 things.
1.give characters time to think this whole situation is on the fly as it were but twilight can pull ideas out of her ass just like that
2 we know what book slumber 101
any way theres more but im tired
7812543
Just more of rainbow and twilight and maybe spike interaction. I like how rainbow is the one that made the first move. That she get straight to the point, about being a relationship
7812564
The "build is later in the chapter. Its when Dash reads the diary entry.
Yes, there was a gust of wind, and yes, Rainbow could catch up with it, and move it. I'm planing on showing what actually happened in the epilogue.
Yeah, I'll make adjustments.
Fine, I'll delete it.
And finally,
I'll put in more text to make it look like twi is thinking about it longer.
And yes, I know the book Slumber 101. I was referencing it.
Is there anything you liked about this chapter? Anything you would like to see more of?
7812602 MOAR SNUGGLES
7812566
Well you should be happy to hear that the next chapter is full of other ponys. For example. The mane six! However I feel it is kinda repetitive.....
Yes, there will be plenty of Spike interaction... But its not exactly positive......
Its been awhile since I read that next chapter... And its a hell of a lot longer... 2,052 words ish.
It has some comedy in it, and of course that meanse pinkie pie.
But I'll let you read it. Its kinda lame if I just talk about the thing...
One chapter will definitely have interaction between Twi and Dashy, if you know what I mean!
7812624
I completely agree there!!!! Lol! Its just so damned Cute!!
s2.quickmeme.com/img/b3/b318a2e83b971f8cba5dce6f24c57d27be1204ca797f7e6710bc6e4970ec1ca9.jpg
also
STOP THE PRESSES A STORY WHERE BEST BOOK HORSE CAN COOK
cdn.meme.am/cache/instances/folder137/57631137.jpg
flew not flu
7854245
Ponys can cook! They have bucking restaurants!
And I was tired when I wrote that part. Flew. Okay, thanks.
TANK you for your time!
And also, if you don't mind, please dial down on the hating, okay? Thanks.
Oh, and one more thing, did you like ANYTHING at all? If so, say that to. I was trying to make this chapter cute. Support would be nice.
7854508 at what point did i start hating all i said was wow a book where twilight can cook is rare and that the correct spelling is flew no Flu
Good chapter
7854810
Thanks.
7854529
Sorry I lashed... I was tired and not thinking straight.
And I was hoping someone would show me the correct spelling.
And since Twilight reads so many books, I just assumed she just had to have a cook book. After all, she does live in a library.
Again, I am so sorry.
7855901 no probs but yes twilight in most fan fics cant cook for shit i can count how many i have read on my hooves
7855963
That's weird... Where did that even start?
You said you could count it on your hooves? So would that be 2 or 4? That is if your counting the hind leg's hooves.
7855995 about 4
7856405
It really does boggle my mind to think that some people just assume that Twiliy it a bad cook. Its not cannon.... Sweetiebelle's cooking is cannon. And one of my favorite ships is with her.
[My Favorite ship is with her]7859031 yes but it is cannon that spike cooks most of the food so they automatical assume twilight never learned to cook
7859443
That's messed up... I think its because Twilight has an assistant. And twi is really too busy to cook food. Remember the one episode Twilight time? Twi said something along the lines of: I've been studying for so long I didn't know how hungry I was.
Good chapter. I'm with Spike if I don't get enough sleep I get mad. I need my Sleep.
7872106
Haha! did you read the bloopers?
I based his angry mood from the episode: Winter Wrap-up. Of course, I may have added some more crankyness due to the painful awakening.
Say second. It seems a bit weird to shorten it to sec.
8043476
I have used sec on that occation to imply that it was not long, And an attempt to sound "original".
Thank you for your time and hope you enjoy the story.
Attention everyone. I am sorry for not adding the last chapter earlier. The thing is, i have to do all the editing on my tablet because an my phone, the edit thing is all of centered and wont let me scroll to the side to view some parts on the right side because its dumb like that. Believe me, i would if i could, and when i do get my tablet around wifi to compleat the story, i will be doing so much editing on it, I'll keep most of the awesome stuff, but some stuff is so poorly written, it has to be completely redone. I will work on getting my last chapter to you guys asap when life permits me to do so. And thanks for the support so far!
She was a tiny bit antisocial so she never really picked up the idea that diarys had no magic in them, unless you use it as a Holocaust for a scary way to communicate to people after you almost die.
I believe this was a harry potter reference but I think you ment horcrux not holocaust that is something completely different
8509461
Oooooh buck.... What chapter... Knowing me its most likely a harry potter reference... If anyone took offense to this i am so sorry...
Here it is! The chapter you all been waiting for! This is the last chapter until the epilogue.
Sorry i took to long but it finally works with my phone now! (To an extent.)
There's a flaw with your story Albano16... Rainbow dash would never use the word "cute" no matter what the circumstances are...
8649847
She would if she were bragging. And if you know rainbow dash, you'd know she's very boastful.
Okay guys. The epilogue is still coming. However it will take a bit longer as i am still writing it. Ive been busy with life alot so sorry if everything is late af. That and tryping is horrible because everytime i backspace the words get jumbled up and i have to correct that. I'll try to show you what that looks like.
Hello everypony, my name is albano.
Then it could look like this...
Hello everypony my name is albanoeverypony name it.