Fan of MLP and Fanfics trying to have some fun and share some ideas
My take on the whole "Anon-A-Miss" incident.
After hearing what is happening on the other side of the mirror, Twilight cant help but feel she has seen this before. After finally understanding why, she travels to the other side and help Sunset to clean her name.
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Nice story but where the rest of it.
i mean what about Pinkie Pie Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy?
10612649
lol that will come in chapter 2
10612663
Heyo, hopefully Sunset still forgives them in the end. But those two should go tell Rainbow and others Sunset's innocent. Also update your 'other' story
10612663
Whew ok for a second that that was it. Felt like a ending.
Hope it pointed out what the CMC did even worst then what Sunset has done or ranks up there.
Thou not as bad as what the Rainbooms did.
I honestly thought the same. I mean, how could she not see the parallels?
Thank you for making this. It always annoyed me that Twilight never connected the dots when ever she is in these stories
10612667
Finally, I've found someone else that actually wants Sunset's forgiveness in these stories.
I can tell you really tried with this, which is why I gave you a like. However you really need to polish this. First, if you haven't already, read this guide a couple times and then proofread and edit everything at least five times. Good writing doesn't make for a good story, but bad writing can easily drag a good story down.
As far as characterization is concerned, it doesn't seem too implausible, though they do seem a bit off. I can't be more specific than that. As far as the "romantic" tension between Twilight and Flash Sentry, it feels tacked on and unnecessary. If you want to make a shipfic, more power to you, but here it only serves to draw attention away from what I see as the central focus of the story, that of Sunset's friends so easily dismissing her as backsliding into her old ways.
Good premise, alright execution, poor mechanics. Improve these things, and it can turn out into a great little (or maybe even long) story.
10612781
Considering the original comic. I think the characters are better done here
What happend at about half way into the chapter?
Until then there were not that many mistakes to be found in spelling and grammar.
From that point in, there was something wrong in basically every single paragraph.
10612825
I'm with you, they were done WAY better then how they were portrayed in the original comic.
Wonderful work again, and once again apologize for any mistakes I missed.
Okay start, but I have to ask: Do you have an editor on this? Because I'm seeing a lot of grammar and punctuation mistakes, and it's kinda distracting.
10613053
they don't. I read his other story. its just as bad. My grammar isn't best but atleast mine is readable.. somewhat. Idk. lol
Before I read this, I want to ask one question.
Do you remember the CMC in both worlds are ultimately just kids, and they MADE A MISTAKE, in neither reality did they understand how much their rumor mongering would hurt others until it had grown out of their control?
10613137
the issue is the reason. Pony CMC started innocent and did try to end it when they saw the damage but were backmailed.
Human CMC did their for malicious reasons and NEVER tried to stop
Except it didn't. The CMC of the pony world didn't set out to wreck lives. They were collecting gossip in a misguided attempt to get their cutie marks. The EqG CMC, on the other hand, had malicious intent to drag Sunset's name through the mud and tarnish her reputation.
I like the concept, but boy was this rough. You could really do with somebody to edit this (as at points the story was borderline nonsensical), but here's two useful pointers;
1. Punctuation in a sentence is needed to break up the flow of the writing. For example, this passage;
Should read like this (corrections are marked in bold);
Dialogue must end with either a comma or a full stop/exclamation or question mark. The first word of a new sentence must be capitalised.
2. Overuse of punctuation. For example, this sentence;
Should use a question mark or an exclamation mark, not both.
Some of the sentences are also a little...odd. Is English your native language, as some of the sentence flow feels like it was written by somebody who speaks English as a second language. On that note, it is worth having somebody to read over your work to tidy up sentences and ensure what is being said makes sense.
10613164
Actually, the comic explicably says they did. The problem is that the rumor mongering took on a life of its own.
10613201
still was malicious and at least the pony CMC had the guts to end it
how come Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash aren't in this?
Doesn't Scootaloo have a part in Anon-A-Miss, and Rainbow cos she's related to Scootaloo in all but blood?
10613256
likely Chapter 2
10613289
possible, since I kinda thought the tags of the rest of the Rainbooms, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle aren't in, I kinda thought they were unloved.
...not against that, they DESERVE to be unloved in the Anon-A-Miss event.
Oh look who's talking, girl who TRICKED everyone to believe Sunset is Anon-A-Miss!
10613316
10613318
The main issue with AaM is that the CMC behave wildly out of character. Not only that, the comic wilfully ignores what is shown in the ending of Rainbow Rocks. Sunset and the CMC are depicted as friends in the closing credits.
nice work
10613321
Not really. Remeber the CMC here are humans and thus act somewhat differently compared to their pony counterparts. It's subtle but not impossible, kind of like how Rainbow Dash is obsessed with Soccer rather than stunt flying.
10613563
I disagree with your statement that they act 'somewhat different' here. Three kids deciding that large scale cyberbullying is an appropriate response to their siblings spending time with someone else without trying any other options (such as talking to said siblings or their parents/caregivers) is a pretty extreme leap of logic.
10613321
Yeah. The timing of the idea is off. This when I cover this issue I change when it happens
Didn't read it yet but it seems You had a similar association to mine in the time of reading the comic
10613664
Stick it inbetween the first film and RR and it works better. Ish.
10613677
exactly where I am putting it. makes it more creditble that they would assume Sunset has reverted then after RR
10613243
The moral was how OUT OF CONTROL anything you post online can become.
10613677
the only issue with that is the journal. the only thing that kept sunset going was her correspondence with Twilight.
10613693
And that the CMC would pull a stunt like this.
10613698
Then remove the journal completely and have Sunset figure it out on her own.
10613698
I have an answer for htat, but the answere will lead to Spoiler territory for the story that will have it
10613321
The original author, Ted Anderson, is quoted in a few places as saying that he wrote the script before Rainbow Rocks came out, and he had no idea what was going to be in it.
10613851
And then didn't update it appropriately.
10612919
Hey dont worry...thanks again for checking it and help me with my spelling mistakes
10612825
Thanks
10612705
Same..for some reason even stories that touch Twilight actually helping with the whole thing forgot also about this happening in the main show
10613256
Chapter 2
10613316
Blame that only can use 5 character tags for new story
10613897
True, but that's probably more an executive level problem rather than his fault, as they were probably being worked on in parallel at least a little bit. There's plenty one can blame him for, but not necessarily that.
10614006
True.
Should have saw this coming.
And I hope to see the next chapter soon on what happens next
remove
Hmm this phrase is quite long and redundant.
who.
kicked (Or you can rework the phrase into "and they had soon kicked her out")
Hmm this is redundant, the period is already long, you can give it the axe
Hm... This is really really strange. Not really sure what you are meaning precisely.
at
It's
thinks
Bloom
finished
their
remove
course
caused
more than
prove I didn't
worried
can't
focused
course
telling
course, tested
played
was
slapped
if
remove
faced and lived
you are
helped
tricked
you do
made
would
asked
owed
locker
opened
You have a LOT of purplish prose around. On the end (Around where Principal Celestia arrives) it gets quite better. Try and keep periods shorter. Also more use of punctuation, there seems almost nothing.
I like the story, but you need a proof reader for sure.
10613956
Why not just change the tags around to Twilight, Main 7 (EqG), and CMCs tag? That way, everyone will be included.
Couldn't help but think how similar this story was to mine. Just without all the profanity.
But man do you need to to get a proofreader and improve your writing. That whole thing with Lyra and Bon Bon felt pointless. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that this is your first story, but you really need to check your spelling, and go easy on the exclamation points. There are 162 exclamation points in this story, and adding three to a sentence that already has an exclamation point is completely unnecessary.
You have potential, but you need to read these criticisms to help improve your work.
10612649
Per the comic, Applejack's the big one. She's the one who was most vocal in condemning Sunset, she's the one who invaded Sunset's space, looked like she might get violent, and made Sunset actually afraid instead of just sad.
Taking her out of the equation first does a lot to diffuse the situation when it comes to the others.
Rarity's stuff in the comic is hella ambiguous, and can be interpreted as anything from stubbornly anti-Sunset to basically neutral. It's hard to say what effect dealing with her first has when it comes to the others.
Pinkie Pie was second most against Sunset in the original confrontation, but receives no characterization after that. It's not ambiguous like Rarity; it's literally not there. She should be easier to deal with than Applejack, and maybe easier than Rarity, but it's super hard to tell.
Fluttershy is the only one with a clear journey over the course of the comic. She started out as one of the more vocally anti-Sunset members, but by the time Anon-a-Miss started sharing other people's secrets (instead of just the Rainbooms) she was having doubts, and she was first (either by herself, or tied with Rainbow) to come around at the end. She should be fairly easy to convince, especially with the loudest and scariest member of the anti-Sunset faction already dealt with.
Rainbow and Rarity were tied for least mean in the initial confrontation. Unlike Rarity, what happens to Rainbow afterward isn't ambiguous. When Fluttershy is having doubts about Sunset's guilt, Rainbow is too. This is also when Rainbow calls Sunset family (which Fluttershy agrees with.) Rainbow's the only one whose reasoning we really get, and it's not, "Sunset's bad, therefore guilty," but process of elimination. She doesn't see how anyone else could have done it. She's one of the first two to come around at the end. (It's up for debate whether she's second, or tied with Fluttershy for first.) She's also the only Rainboom to try to help figure out how Sunset was framed. (Her efforts suck, but that doesn't change the sentiment.)
Again, this is all per the original comic. Fanfic changes things, so the situation could be different in DarknessRissing's story.
The point in bringing it up, though, is that Rainbow and Fluttershy should be relatively low hanging fruit. They're both primed to accept that Sunset's innocent if they're provided with a mechanism by which someone else could have gotten both the nickname and the photos from Sunset's phone.
Pinkie Pie is legit impossible to predict. Scootaloo is too, because she was barely even in the comic.
I do like this, it helps to point out the serious flaws, in the characters or how forgiveness was given,, it was too quick, and sadly the only reason they may of give her a second chance was because Twilight asked them to.
Thou with Fluttershy and Pinkie I'm not sure, but, the simple fact they fell for the same trick twice, done differently but still the same trick twice.
Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me followed by DOPE SLAP TO THE HEAD!!
I wonder what their punishments will be, and I do hope you write out how they were in ways worst then Sunset, they went as far as to hurt their siblings and others just to beak them up.
I'm sure some angry students waiting to have a few words with them with their fists for sure.
Hope we see the next chapter eventually