- Member Since 6th Jun, 2019
- offline last seen Jan 10th, 2021
LadyDevimon
I do oh so enjoy the villianess side of things~
LadyDevimon
Joined 6th Jun, 2019 ·
Offline
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Hah The Twilight hour
Wow, one fanfic inside another fanfic???
10214767
Technically it’s a fanfic about someone writing a story.
That being said I could, if I do this type of story again, make a fanfic about Rainbow Dash writing some Daring Do fanfic. I think there’s at least one story like that out there.
Relatable.
Very relatable
Nicely done! I was actually the guy who commished the cover art you're using (well, part of it at least). I am glad it is being put to some use. :)
Other than needing a bit of editing here and there, it's pretty good.
10215297
Really now? That is very interesting, still I thank you for your kind words and the cover art I used. Hope you stick around case I'm planning to use the other side of that drawing someday, and let me tell you that will be some adventure.
👍
👍
Yes.
That was good, I look forward to seeing what else you make.
Okay, that story was really hot. I really like this story,
10215467
Please sir may I have a sequel
Okay, this was great
Honestly, this is a mess. Aside from switching from third person to first constantly, there's massive grammatical errors, tons of missing words, extra words, misspelled words, the wrong word, and tons of repetitive word usage.
Pressure was quickly being built up as she felt her impending orgasm get ever closer. So many factors added on to this: the way her sensitive breast where toyed with, the rapid thrusts of his fingers back and forth in her nethers, and the fact that his free thumb had begun to press and flick at her throbbing clit. She couldn't even remember the last time she had engaged in such an activity; it was all too much for her to handle. At this point, there was nothing that she could do, so she might as while enjoy the ride, she reasoned.
This is me correcting a single paragraph while trying to keep your style intact. There were at least ten necessary edits, and this is one of the less messed up ones.
Look, you had a good concept, you even have pretty solid scene layout and flow, but this is about as immersion breaking as it gets so littered with errors. You certainly have the potential to write good stories. This is a good, "story," in fact, but it is badly written. Take your time, edit your work, and if you're not confident in being enough, find someone else who knows what they're doing to edit it as well. I hope you don't become one of the trope level authors on here as of late who simply see praise and think they've mastered the art of writing. You can be better.
10217718
Aye fair enough. I'm not going to pretend that I'm some high and mighty author with loads of writing experience, this was my first story and it was kinda rushed to meet with the contest deadline. I promise you and anyone else reading this comment that from here on out they'll get much better.
10217742
That sounds quite promising indeed.
I don't think I've ever been brought this close to suicide by bad grammar.
The first three paragraphs had me tying a noose.
The irony hit me harder than my drunk mom.
I liked it very creative
I want to say this is a great first story. I'm not going to pretend that anyone is great their first time, but this is a solid effort. You have a great idea, good pacing, and I think you have character voice down. The only problem is grammar, which is dealt with easily enough by polishing and editing. My advice is to keep writing and keep posting and don't let the less than nice comments get you down. I'll be following you with interest.
10223786
Thank you for the comment, I plan to get better going along so I do hope that you'll find my future endeavors to be much more enjoyable. Along with less grammatical errors in them, I won't promise that they'll be completely free of them but I shall try.
What about a bonus chapter?
This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!
You can also check the current ranking, thanks to garatheauthor's unofficial ranking of the scores that have been publicized so far.
------ Review ------
Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-Excellent job playing plenty of attention to breasts and having a slow burn buildup. Great job on pacing, and pacing is one of the most difficult things out there.
-
was her least like part of the writing process.-- need to give this sentence the 'd'.-
Over the she continued to write more-- accidentally a word.-
especially in this contacts-- not the right word to use in this context.-
With an insert choose she gave her a quick stress before getting back into position.-- what even is this sentence?-
Ignoring the trip down memory lane Twilight Velvet got into position and began to the story-- missing comma and period.-
She knew that she looked sexy, she hadn't wear something that reveals so much of her abundant cleavage in a long time. Yet it was for not.-- worn, revealed, naught.-
"Oh Night Light are you home!" She called while walking through the upstairs hallway way.-- improper dialog grammar, too much 'way'.-Slipping tenses/POV.
-Telly, dry, kind of off-topic opening.
-Really could be a great writer with some additional editing and proofreading. That's easy stuff to fix.
------ Scores ------
To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 80/100
Allure: 85/100
Enticement: 75/100
Immersion: 25/100
Prose Quality: 5/100
Total Score: 270/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.
Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!
10253207
Thanks for the review and allowing my story to be in the contest, honestly it did better than I initially imagined it. Still seeing the review and critiques only strengthens my drive to do better in the future. Beyond that I give you my personal thanks for the push, always wanted to make a clop story but I never made it very far.
Hope you stick around mate.
10254211
Yeah -- you’ve got a lot of potential here. Just with some good editing for grammar, this story could have scored much higher.
10254223
Really now, interesting. Once I get better grammar skills, work ethic, car, attention span, a health diet, sleep, exercise, and overcome my procrastination I shall be among the best clop writers on this site!
Seriously though thanks, just give me some time I'll get better.
I honestly thought that the switch from Third to First Person View was intentional. Showing that Velvet was starting to really get into it
!
That was pretty spicy