- Member Since 16th Feb, 2020
- offline last seen 9 hours ago
Implausible Deniability
I'm not an alt! You're an alt! The whole darn system is an alt!
Implausible Deniability
Joined 16th Feb, 2020 ·
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I don't think this worked. Your strength is character chemistry, not raw physicality. Breaking your girls' minds is basically the opposite of that. Maybe try roll play or something?
10207768
I agree with all of this.
It was hot and well written, but just missed the mark to an extent.
~Skeeter The Lurker
10207768 10207816
Honestly, I appreciate this. As I said, this was an experiment, and not all experiments produce the results we hope for. But that doesn't mean they failed, per se. It just means we learn something we didn't expect. I'm still finding my niche as a clop writer, so I really am grateful for the constructive criticism.
I think this actually worked pretty solidly throughout, within the context of the fetish... Up until the last 10% or so. There was no need for this to go full-blown Bad End, and little indication it would either. Having this be a situation the characters can adapt to and learn to appreciate or take advantage of? That is a lot more interesting, 99% of the time, than just saddling them with a total mindbreak write-off. Well-written stuff (if somewhat scant in places), a good concept... Just a fumble at the final hurdle that ends up spoiling the entire affair.
its a mouth full, but a tack would be funny to have "i watch'd enough hentai to know where this is going" xD
tentacles's works too of course ^^
Well, somebody's been watching that one scene from the first Evil Dead movie.
This said, the harder/darker stuff isn't my favorite. And going full out 'bad end' is just kinda weird, especially after having Midnight show up and tank all the horny, or something. But I'm a big softie when it comes to my pr0n.
Camper Entertainment System is a pretty good turn of phrase. Shame for ol' Glori that it turned out to double as a Camper Empowerment System. Thanks again, Tree of Harmony, you weird-ass Twiclone-lookin' hunk of petrified plot device.
(In more literary concerns: That was indeed a pretty well-made saving throw. It turns a direct swerve dark ending into a setup hook, and I feel like the result gets back some levity and keeps the original tension. Solid stuff!)
Smooth save.
Very smooth save indeed.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Too bad no-one else advocated the story commit to a more extreme ending, but oh well, you play to the audience you got. This was a cute way to cap it off.
not only is the save a decently written U-Turn, you can warn anyone that prefers dark endings to not read it. Awesome.
While I like this ending, I'm baffled that the first chapter was considered too dark to end. It was just a typical clop ending with the villain winning.
The first chapter was nicely arousing. This one was nicely amusing. Not enough for a fave in either case, but more than worth the upvote.
This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!
------ Review ------
Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-A lot of good buildup, but the payoff was just a bit rushed.
-Less female on female than I was expecting, given the description.
-I think the mind control aspect was either played up too much, or not enough. It's enough to dampen the non-fetish enjoyment of the scene, but perhaps not enough to satisfy someone actually looking for mind control fetish, leaving it in a weird middle ground. Or maybe it’s because there’s no person there enjoying the mind-controlled subjects?
-It may have been better if there was some underlying desire or insecurity with Sunset that the scene would then resolve? A way to give Sunset an interior conflict and resolution.
-Not sure if the second chapter was really necessary ... or maybe it could have been given its own sex scene of some kind?
-Excellent use of tentacles and Midnight Sparkle.
------ Scores ------
To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 85/100
Allure: 90/100
Enticement: 87/100
Immersion: 90/100
Prose Quality: 90/100
Total Score: 442/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.
Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!
Too bad about the bonus chapter of those two.