- Member Since 17th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
vren55
The reason I write is because I want to read a story written for myself. One day, I want to read one of my own stories and say to myself "That is the best story I have ever read."
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vren55 · 8.4k words · 59 13 · 999 views
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... Okay, I did not expect my first clopfic to do this well.
10041324
Thanks! Am still quite surprised though. I thought I wrote it a bit too slow/tame.
Excellent work on this one-shot. The exchanges, characterizations and right balance between steamy and sweet were all quite well done. I could VERY easily see this happening in a slight AU fic.
I particularly liked Shining defending Cadance from Spoiled Rich (that was both enjoyable AND karmic) as well as the reflections on Cadance's past in this AU and the build-up to the more mature aspects of the relationship.
10042298
Aw, thanks. Glad you liked it!
10042364
You're quite welcome.
This was lovely, how Shining was so gentle to Cadence and constantly enforcing the idea of consent. From a psychological standpoint, it was interesting to see Cadence work out her trauma in a controlled environment with someone who loves her.
10070766
Thanks! TBH I was fully aware that I was writing something fairly tame fetish-wise, and having quite a few fellow authors/in circles where people did BDSM, I was well-informed enough that I could really enforce the idea of consent... and make it sexy. The idea of consent/the gentleness becoming the kink in itself.
I don't like pre-martial. Other than that, this was great!
I really liked your characterizations and different take on their backstory. I do hope there will a followup with Shining and Cadance at some point.
10146324
Hmm unsure. I'm not very good at writing clop. I mean people seem to have enjoyed what I wrote but I found it very hard to write this so I'm just going to say a "perhaps?"
I loved this! I really like clop where the characters love and respect each other. Great story!
This is your official review from Dirty Little Secret's Dirty Little Contest!
Remember to vote in the contest's poll -- voting closes at midnight, June 6th.
And make sure to allow notifications from the contest group and/or follow Dirty Little Secret to get the full results and the awards show post on June 9th!
You can also check the current ranking, thanks to garatheauthor's unofficial ranking of the scores that have been publicized so far.
------ Review ------
Please keep in mind, I know I can be overly critical and negative at times. I can always find something to nitpick, even in the greatest works of literature ever written. Please don't take it personally!
-Before I started reading this, I was wondering what it could possibly gain from being AU instead of a standard ShiningxCadance clopfic, but it actually does make good use of the alternate setting to give them a deeper, more nuanced relationship.
-
what are you doing in my room.”-- needs a question mark.-
once loose skin was now taught-- taut.-
What is it honey?-- needs a comma.-
address me as your captain, princess,”-- princess should be capitalized in this usage.-
it looks like you’re enjoying this princess.-- same as previous, but also needs a comma.-They go from will-they-won't-they to 'let's have sex!' awfully quickly. That part could use more development.
-That time skip was awfully long to just gloss over like that.
-I'm not really buying Cadance's desire to be abused and restrained. It comes out of nowhere and seems to be there for the sake of including this fetish, rather than because the character would actually want it. If anything, her fears should make her feel more comfortable being the other way around, making Shining helpless.
-The actual sex seemed a bit too short and ended a bit too abruptly.
-Not quite enough buildup to orgasm.
-Orgasm not long enough.
-It's touching and builds a lot of realism that Cadance is so reluctant to go all the way with him, due to the things she's seen.
------ Scores ------
To clarify what these scores mean, check my judging rubric.
Cloppability: 80/100
Allure: 94/100
Enticement: 75/100
Immersion: 87/100
Prose Quality: 75/100
Total Score: 411/500
The more specialized scores for individual prizes, as well as the results of the community poll, will be published when the full results are announced. If this story wins any awards, there will be another post in the story comments sometime after June 9th announcing that this story has won.
Thank you for participating, and thank you for contributing to Fimfic's collection of clop!