• Member Since 17th Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

vren55


The reason I write is because I want to read a story written for myself. One day, I want to read one of my own stories and say to myself "That is the best story I have ever read."

E

In the aftermath of Princess Luna’s transformation into Nightmare Moon, the former capital of Equestria, the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters has been destroyed. The site has now become consumed by the Everfree forest and the ground scarred with bad memories. Thus, Princess Celestia calls for architects across Equestria and gathers a team. Each of these mares and colts have their own ideas and strengths, and each have their own nightmares and flaws. In the wake of the devastating civil war between Nightmare Moon and Princess Celestia, this is the tale of how Canterlot, palace, city and home, was built.




Note: Give me as many reviews or pointers as possible. Do point out any grammar mistakes and I will correct them immediately. Also, if you've favourited it already, please like it as well.

Chapters (17)
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Comments ( 220 )

I attempted to mimic old-style speech and Royal We for Celestia as much as possible, but it is a pain. For the sake of the story, please ignore the fact that Luna in season 2 episode 4 called the use of the Royal 'We' as the 'Royal Canterlot Voice' because if that was true, then well..:twilightsheepish:...the whole idea of Canterlot being built as new capital of Equestria after the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters was abandoned would just fall apart because it would mean Canterlot existed before Luna was banished. I'm probably going to think of a canon-friendly reason to explain this (probably a scene with Celestia explaining to Luna that the name Royal Canterlot Voice is a contemporary name for the 'Royal We') speech, so please don't chew me out yet for not putting it in Alternate Universe because I don't mean it to be!

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt! I can't get to reading it at the moment, but you've been a great person to talk too, and the description is well done. I'll have to make sure to read it asap!

Good start. I can see many possibilities in this story. Celestia using the project to try and get her mind off what she has just had to do is only one. Waiting for more

So alot of this is good and well written but every now and then you throw things in there that break the tone or otherwise take the reader out of the story. Chapter two had the following things:
- Comparison to Rainbow Dash's house. We know about it sure, but she doesn't exist at this time, so mentioning her take the reader out of the world the story inhabits. For something like Hitchhiker's Guide this wouldn't be too bad, but in this story you set a very different tone and style so it doesn't fit.
- This sentence: "Normally, most ponies would just freeze and then prostrate themselves if they saw a white alicorn with the power to move the sun hovering next to where they were just relaxing. Vaultaire? Uhh...Nope, she just raised an eyebrow. ". Blah. This doesn't fit the tone and style of the story at all. Suggested rewrite: "While most ponies would just freeze and then prostrate themselves if they saw a white alicorn with the power to move the sun hovering next to where they were just relaxing, Vaultaire merely raised an eyebrow at the Sun Princess' arrival.". Also the "While...relaxing" could use a bit of reworking, I'm not sure how to do so without removing your voice and substituing my own.
- Vaultaire's acceptance of the offer was far too quick. Or more correctly felt that way. Her line "Celestia...I...know that you gave banished me to protect me from those vulture nobleponies" sounds...too certain. If she knew why she was banished so well why was she so upset? It doesn't make sense it seems. If it was about pride then that should factor in somewhere in her response beyond just "you could have handled it better.

Please don't take this as too harsh, these things just completely took me out of the story which so far is off to an interesting start. The subject is very unique and could be very interesting so don't give up or take my criticism and anything other suggests to make the story better.

670873 Good points for all of them. I'll modify that ASAP. And no I'm not that type of person, I like to push things through and improve. You make a very good point about Vaultaire's acceptance and yeah, I have to agree she wouldn't have given up so easily. Thanks for the pointers.

to be read later... homework then ZZZzzz then college to attend to first. Darn.

678698 I completely sympathize with you...My exams just ended

I love Celestias reply to Golden Triangle. It speaks to a truth not often remembered these days.
That just because someone is old it does not follow that they have nothing to contribute nor that what they can contribute is of no value

685582 Thanks :pinkiehappy: I hope it doesn't seem too out of character for her. Please like and favourite :twilightsmile:

As I promised, I'll read this, but not right away. im getting kinda tired but its at the top of my read laters.

Read thise forst or second of all, today, and I like it. the old speech seems a little out of place, but judging by the time frame that this is set in, it is indeed appropriate. I noticed a couple spelling and wording mistakes also.

"Just because you has become old and has difficulty practicing your craft doesn’t mean you are useless."
The first "has" could be "you've" and the "has" following should be have.
example: Just because you've become old and have difficulty practicing your craft doesn’t mean you are useless.

I can't exactly remember the second mistake that stood out to me, but I'm sure someone will point it out if it bothers tham that much. I'm favoriting this fic because I"m eager to see more. That's all I've got for now, but i made good on my promise.

685582

On that account, one often forgets that old age is for most merely a bodily fatigue, it does not usually make them any less of the person they were.

719626 don't sweat it, just trying to offer a bit of helpful advice :)

1. This is my favorite chapter so far, you did a good job establishing the initial relationship with Vaultaire (I love that name!) and Duke Golden Triangle. I can only hope you further explore their relationship as they interact more in the coming chapters.

2. Also I found that I realllly like Lord Barbican and White Tower, I hope to see more of them in the future.

3. I'm eager to see what has become of Baron Byzas, since he hasn't been mentioned since his introduction.

725059 Hello! Answer to questions.
1. This is my favorite chapter so far, you did a good job establishing the initial relationship with Vaultaire (I love that name!) and Duke Golden Triangle. I can only hope you further explore their relationship as they interact more in the coming chapters.
Ans: :pinkiehappy: came up with the name by playing on Voltaire (the famous philosopher who was a good friend of Emperor Frederick The Great of Prussia. Hint Hint: Vaultaire and Celestia) and the gothic cathedral vault. Golden Triangle's name is a pretty explicit reference to the Golden ratio. Those two are going to interact. I mean the are going to have to work together and that'll be a miracle XD

2. Also I found that I realllly like Lord Barbican and White Tower, I hope to see more of them in the future.
Ans: Yup. Their relationship will be explored as well as their pasts and the reason why Tower doesn't have a cutie mark. I dropped some rather subtle cues in the chapter about Barbican's faults that will be revealed further. Both of them have pretty sad pasts and haunting nightmares. Though I should have expanded on Tower's flaws, but I thought at the time the lack of cutie mark would be fault enough.

3. I'm eager to see what has become of Baron Byzas, since he hasn't been mentioned since his introduction.
The next chapter in which I'll intro the final 2 OCs will direct Byzas into collision course with the others. The two new characters are going to be...just read the chapter update when it comes.

You're doing a good job introducing the other characters. I expected Byzas to play out as a Doctor Smith (Lost in Space) opportunistic type character but you surprisingly proved me wrong!

Sai'id is interesting in that he reminds me of Applejack somewhat, being a pony with nothing to hide. But from the name, where he's from, and his choice of clothing I wondered if he might have an accent. If he does that would likely affect how you write his dialogue.

And Chartres! Quite the Cinderella you have there! I can't wait to see these interesting characters interacting all at once.

730003 and to all readers reading in on this.
I would like to have put an accent in Sa'id's dialogue, but that would be REALLY REALLY difficult to write in. Instead I'm going to just try to modify his speech a bit, change the way his sentences are phrased.

Byzas was supposed to turn out a bit like a speed-talking, artistic pony, who is very creative, but at the same time can be pragmatic. His cutie mark of the ruler and paintbrush. the paintbrush is obvious, but the ruler, I think I need to touch on it, represents his skill in measuring things.

Oh and about Chartres...ARGH I originally didn't want her to turn out like a Cinderella, but after I finished initially drafting her and writing her, I went...
Crap, Cinderella she looks like...Different (compared to the cinderella presented by Disney, Chartres has a bit more pride as an artist and you can say is more desperate) but still resembling Cinderella....However...(Evil Puppetmaster Author Mode Activated which is actually totally necessary if you want any conflict) MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. She has a backstory that will MAKE YOU POOR READERS CRY :raritycry:. NOT THAT TYPE OF DRAMA CRY!!!! THIS TYPE OF CRYING :fluttercry:. You will find me putting her into quite the bind later on. :fluttercry: *sigh, don't worry Fluttershy, there will be a happy ending for her with a bit of :heart:.

Signing off, PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS!!!!
vren55

I think so far this is very well written and the only glaring mistake that kind of disappointed me was "the old architect could was glad"
I'm sure that's just a typo, but what exactly were you trying to say?

757975 Holy Sweet Celestia???:twilightoops: I seem to be using this emoticon far too often. Thanks for the review! I think at one point, I wanted to say that the old architect was glad he could be of service or something....Can't believe I missed that.

Like and fav plox XD

Byzas is definitely my favorite of these OCs but I've yet to see how this could become anything more than "And then they built canterlot" there doesn't seem to be any opposing forces or problems to overcome except the obvious 'we peasants don't like what Luna did and are ready to throw a tantrum'. But what I've seen so far was nifty and I only wish you the best in the story's continuation.

Also I MIGHT make a cameo reference to one of these characters in the Tale of Gaius "Ninefingers" if you want me to and if I could find some way to pop it in without it being an obvious shout-out.

Also, I see that you're not placing any separation between sections. I did the same thing when I started my story only leaving . . . to fill in time. I think you may find a line of ------ to be most satisfying to the eye.

806096 Oh it won't be just "And then they built Canterlot"...Building Canterlot is going to be a heck of a challenge. For one...if you noticed how Vaultaire and GOlden Triangle interacted just in conversation...imagine how they would interact in designing a monument to last a thousand years.

Cameo reference? HECK YEAH! Would be so fun if someone puts two and two together. I'll PM you about character details.

806135

The only one I could imagine anything with would probably be Lord Barbrican.

806104 You're right....oh crap...why do I spend more time editing/planning story than actually writing :applecry:

Good start, memerable characters, a well thought out senario. By Celestia's Magificent Beard a story worth following! I do like how you've picked a time period and subject that I havn't come across yet. With so little known about the time between the destruction of the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters and the construction of Canterlot you have a rare oportunity to set the bar for anyone else who might write about this. So much to explore, so many questions to ask. What happened to those loyal to Luna? Where they simply pardoned by Celestia back into the herd? Would ponies really resort to mob mentality and commit murder? I've never really liked stories where the author took extreme license and had ponies acting out of character to the point where you could substitute the word pony with human, but you seem to be fleshing them out to be more than simple 2 dimensional cartoon characters and showing that they indeed have depth and personality. My only major complaint so far is that there dosn't seem to be enough! Get cracking, keep up the good work, and have fun doing it. I look forward to the next chapter. :twilightsmile:

807901:pinkiehappy: Thanks for the fav and review! I picked the time period with what you said in mind and since I might set the bar for this, I am putting quite a bit of effort in continuously revising this story (ARGH so hard), hence reason why chapter is slow incoming. Some of the questions you just asked are ones that I will address. For example, I decided that ponies can resort to mob mentality. It was a darker time then and I took inspiration from the aftermath of the American Revolution (Loyalists and Patriots).

there is actually a canon error that I realized after writing this story, but this can be easily ignored. Remember season 1 pilot? According to what is shown in the first frames, canterlot existed :twilightoops:. However, I thought, if they had the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters as capital, why would they need Canterlot? Therefore, i'm going to say screw the book Twilight was reading and say Canterlot was built after the destruction:ajsmug:. I can say screw the book, because book 1000 years later are undoubtedly more inaccurate. Also, my take on Equestrian History makes Luna's rebellion an actual war and adds a purge of sorts that affects the Night Court (Luna's supporters and allies). Since none of these events are mentioned in Twilight's book, I can say, DAT BOOK IS WRONG.

Next chapter coming sometime this week and then the pace will probably pick up. It's the next chapter's events that i'm having trouble with.

sincerely,
vren55

P.S. Celestia doesn't have a beard??? Does she???:trollestia:

Noticed this in the Author's Support 'need reviewed' folder. I can honestly say that the premise is fantastic! :pinkiehappy:

810579 :pinkiehappy: OMG:pinkiegasp: Can't believe you of such a well received fimfic think that way :pinkiehappy:. Any tips?

810643

I haven't read it yet, and trust me when I say that finding time to read is harder than it seems, but I've set it in my Read Later folder for now, just so you know :scootangel:

810653 :pinkiegasp: AWESOME!!! Take your time since I do want to see the update for your story :pinkiehappy:

810662 Diary of a Foalsitter?:rainbowderp: I mean I want to see you get the next chapter up ASAP if I was confusing... Oh and THANKS FOR THE FAV !!!! :D

810769

That's gonna take a while, as it always does :L

810794 Understood! thanks for the fav and like!

On the mob mentality I can give you a reason why it's never mentioned in history books. Celestia decided that such things needed to be forgotten for the greater good of later generations and since she'd be presiding over said later generations she just didn't need the headache or expense providing psychological help to fix the mental and emotional scars that said history would inflict on anypony whose mental fortitude was not up to snuff in the first place. :raritycry:*gaaaaaaasssssssp* (damn that was a long sentence) Oh, and you remember those inconvenient inconsitancies that the history books seem to have left out concerning The Castle of the Royal Pony Princesses? Yah, neither do I. Why? Because it's much easier to sweep such historical annoyances under the carpet when you are the one holding the broom and will be holding said broom for the next forseeable 1000+ years. :trollestia: And for her beard? Oh yah, she's got one. As well as the rest of the main six!
twentypercentcooler.net/data/sample/bf/37/bf37cf61af108e2f1f5755424f14900a.jpg?1313055195


Oh, and she's got a chipped tooth. It happened during her fight with Luna who was going through her Nightmare Moon/Eternal Night phase.

811190 :rainbowderp: By Celestia's beard indeed...Maybe I might do a sequel in which Twilight finds out about how Celestia washed everythign under the carpet...or make my OCs somehow go to the future...but that's for future me to worry about.

Pretty good so far...I think I'll keep an eye on it.

This looks to be a very good read. I'll make sure to keep up with it as more chapters come out.

Hoozaah, an update! And all the peasants rejoiced!:rainbowlaugh:

1082892 1058291 Thanks for reading! is there anything I should watch for?

1082892 If you havent' already, please re-read the first two chapters. I added things to them.

I think you left out a word or two in here. “to the raised eyebrows and furiously blinking eyes

of the water in the bath was--” ???. I didn’t know water had eyes, potatoes yes, water no. Sorry I

couldn't resist. Love the story, particularly the way you had Celestia handled the old Royal Architect

leaving him his dignity and self worth. Looking forward to more chapters.

At this, the stallion raced to the window if his chamber and stared out into the night.

-"if" should be "of"

Then again, even if the mob had not come, the princess would have.

-Capitalize "princess"

Leaving his chambers, Byza began to walk through the halls of his home.

-should be "Byzas"

Large cloud structures such as cloud castles only been built if the pegasus in question has obtained a Royal Writ.

-...cloud castles can only be...

Then she proceeded to rip it to pieces, scoop a small portion of cloud out of the pouch and sweep the remains of the poor piece of parchment of it.

-"pouch" should be "couch"

The cider was a powerful, hard, pegasus alcohol that warmed the wingtips in any weather,

-change the comma to a period

“WE did not thinkest thou will just forgive us,” spoke a voice.

-"will" should be "would"

The pegasus's initial reaction was to be overjoyed that her sovereign, and sometimes friend, would hold her in such high regard.

-don't need the extra "s" on "pegasus's"

Their friendship...would need some work, but what better way to fix it by working together and the pegasus was keenly aware that her alicorn friend always had the pegasus’ best interests at heart.

-...to fix it than by...

I re-read this chapter. It is better than it was before (as was to be expected), but I figured that I'd help out a little bit. Hope you don't mind. I will get to re-reading the next chapter soon...ish, and then I will read the new chapter. Still an excellent story! :twilightsmile:

Just a few suggestions on sentence structure and grammar. The proposed corrections are in bold.

"Vaultaire watched this all with eyes as wide as dinner plates and wondering what did her friend thought of being dragged by the tail." Ok, you don't need 'and' or 'did'.

"Between the some of the gutters were what looked like small round basins." Remove the first 'the'. It's not needed.

"The final device was a barrel with a curious contraption on the top constituted the third device." You should identify the device either at the beggining or the end of the sentence.

"This takes much time ( ) is costly in firewood, time and labour." Stick 'and' in there.

"Also, to the raised eyebrows and furiously blinking of eyes, the water in the bath was now beginning to give off steam although it had not been in direct contact with the fire." Moved the 'of' inbetween 'blinking' and 'eyes', and added an apostrophe after 'eyes'.

"The air is directed under the bath and passes past the small clay tiled columns." 'Flows' would work best here I believe.

“Most ponies get water from a well right, but can only draw a ( ) bucket up at a time." I would remove 'right', and insert 'single' inbetween 'a' and 'bucket'.

"Celestia’s and Vaultaire’s heads leaned forward as Sa’id’s hoof took hold ( ) the handle." You left out 'of'.

I really don't mean to be a nitpicker but these errors just kinda jumped out and poked me in the eyes, repeatedly. That being said, I did go back and reread the first and second chapters, unfortunatly it's been awhile since I read them, so I can't see where you made the changes. It was fun rereading them, though. I also look forward to more chapters. Soon, I hope. Hint hint, nudge nudge, wink wink. :pinkiehappy:

Edit: One other thing I've noticed. Celestia can't seem to make up her mind on whether to use thee or you when she's speaking to somepony. I find that when she switches from one to the other, sometimes in the same sentence, the sentence becomes a bit unbalanced. Was this your intention all along?

1088878 1088574 1088222O_O:rainbowderp::derpytongue2: oops addressing ASAP, but they won't appear on doc immediately because i'm putting them first in a google docs.

1088686 Argh argh rage rage... yeah got probs with celestia's voice. I'm continuously rewriting this, but for now I'm just releasing some extra chapters. Thanks for the pointers!

:pinkiehappy:Hehe, if all of us commentators keep putting spelling and grammar corrections in the comments section your proof reader(s) will be able to slack off.:pinkiecrazy:

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