• Member Since 23rd Mar, 2017
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Lonely Fanboy48


E

Twilight isn’t in the mood to go to the beach because she’s too occupied on her experiments in her basement. When her pet Spike notices she’s making a lavender, he wants it to be in the center of attention but she prevents him since it’s not finished and it’s not for animals. But Spike refuses to follow her rules so he uses it and when Fluttershy takes her to the beach, all the girls gives him all the admiration.

Thanks to Daniyel099 for editing this.
https://www.fimfiction.net/user/292246/Daniyel099

Featuring OCs of Raisy Seaweed, Danny Melody, and Ardor Knowledge!

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 4 )

Cute story. Since you put it in the 'I want comments' folder of the 'Please Read my Story' group, I have a few things to say.

First off, when you use dialogue followed by a said tag, the dialogue should never end with a period. It should end with an exclamation mark, question mark or comma.

“I didn’t want to be alone to be on the most beautiful beach in the country.” Fluttershy said, sitting on the mattress with her swimsuit on.

This should be:

“I didn’t want to be alone to be on the most beautiful beach in the country,” Fluttershy said, sitting on the mattress with her swimsuit on.

The said tag also applies to words such 'commented', 'asked', 'offered, 'whispered', 'replied' and more. It does not apply to words such 'smiled', 'blinked' and 'pointed at'.

Another thing is the tense. The story is in the past tense, but you've used the present tense a few times. Consistency is key.

Fluttershy picked Spike up as they headed downstairs from Twilight’s bedroom. When they entered the basement, they saw so many chemicals on the counter under the windows. Twilight is on her computer doing research on her latest experiment.

You say that Fluttershy picked up Spike, and then in the same paragraph, you say that Twilight is on her computer.

My apologies if this sounds rude, but I just want to helpful. Hope this helps.

10243086
Thanks for the criticism. Past and Present Tease to me are too difficult to handle mainly it requires so many changes left and right. I do proofread the story to find mistakes but not all of them since I don’t have the knowledge.

10243294
No worries. That's why the the 'I want comments' group exists. I would be happy to proofread your stories, if you want. And yeah, tensess can be tricky. Try reading Ezn's writing guide, it might help.

Not what I expected it to be about, but this story looks interesting.

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