- Member Since 29th May, 2012
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Knackerman
I am the Knackerman. Most of my writing deals with horror, suspense, and tragedy. Yes, there will be gore. Avatar by Ash_H_Arts
Knackerman
Joined 29th May, 2012 ·
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It took me way to long to realize this exist, uh I kind of ran out of steam on reading this series by part 4, I'll blame it on accidentally spoiling myself at the middle of part 4 when I read a comment at the last chapter.
Maybe I'll give a last hurrah for the Candy mare next week, although my faith in anyone surviving from the hell of this 'thing' is severely broken.
The dedication for keeping the candy mare original universe or universes if you include the lot of dead Equestria's alive is unmarvaled in anywhere of the form.
On a scale of 1-10 I'd give you a 10 because I consider the "Candy Mare" to be one of the 2nd most powerful creepy pasta's right up their next to "Slender Man" because of what she's able to do. Not to mention the fact that theirs very little you can do against her. Awesome fanfic by the way.
Yes I love the Candy Mare!!!!!!
I almost spat out a mouth full of food onto my computer screen when I saw "Cozy Glows" name. Now things are starting to get very interesting.
Oooh, this is going to be good.
Oh god, She's about to conquer heaven!
Can't wait to see how the next fanfic turns out to be. Though since she conquered hell, the chances of heaven beating her back and living through this is 20% while the chances of her conquering heaven are a absolute 100%. Due to devouring and candifying all sinners and demons in hell. I have completely read this entire fanfic in just a day, Its amazing how you kept the universes that she's conquered alive throughout this story.
Now I just wonder, will she meet her mother in the next story?
Whelp, look's like i'm not the only one to like Dante, Shakespeare and Shelly, because if not then you wouldn't have made Patch such a great hero of her story, you honestly need to revisit all of the previous installments fix the spelling errors and some of the grammar errors and call ministry of image to compile them all in a book. You just combined the ancient and Shakespearean tragedies with the divine comedy and Frankenstein with this installment of the series and just rewrote the later but in pony form and a little bit more entertaining than the original. Congrats you just wrote the best series of mlp fanfiction that will ever exist and managed to turn it from a grim-dark series into a tragedy of ancient proportions
Freaking Cozy Glow
Reliving the pain she caused.
Well, that's unexpected.
Spider Mastermind got crunched.
She is the Prime Evil.
this is not actually a grammar mistake more a logic mistake but how is it possible for the candy mare to have hair when her body id made of sugar sweets? and yes now i start skimming and see where you made the mistakes we talked about under the reddit post
um i think that's an "you're"
i hope you wanted to say babies in here
i don't think compassionate is the right word there, incompassionate maybe..., but not compassionate
i feel like something is missing here, don't know what but i feel this sentence is incomplete in the middle of it, or you forgot a comma
here you either need this: "..." or a comma after well, to obtain the effect you wanted
missed a comma after banter
10483652
Good catch.
This is an example of a word changing definition overtime.
You are thinking of the slang word babe, as in a sexually attractive individual. However, the original definition of a babe is an infant or young child. Hence the movie 'Babes in Toyland' is a movie based off an operetta about children journeying to a land where toys are alive rather than a porno.
So babe 100% means babies here, more or less.
Apparently my spellcheck doesn't think that incompassionate is a word and auto-corrected it. It absolutely was incompassionate when I first wrote it.
Only if I want there to be a pause there, which I don't.
Fair enough.
Thanks
the form you want to put there is "day's"
missed a "the" there
then should be between commas
between "he" and "perhaps" either put a coma, or two comas around "perhaps"
I feel that the "on-rush" part is either missing something or you just need to settle on just "rush"
pretty sure you didn't wanted to capitalize those words
you either have two useless commas in there or you misplaced the last one that should've been before "to the wooden barn" or, even better, add one after "soft hour of twilight"
even if it works like this fine it's better if already will be between comas because it adds a different lyricism to the sentence
i'm not sure if you wanted to make sound like it's in the context of the story putting dearth in there, but you should change it with death or with deft, because, honestly, it doesn't work
suddenly between commas and a comma after giggle, it works better and it reads and sounds better
that coma is useless there, it sounds fine even without it
"instead of taking the short walk home" and the second instead between commas, both because that's how you achieve the wanted effect there
second coma after fire lit
comma after "malignantly" and "upon the edge of which" between commas
you need a space there
coma after senses
that should be a question mark not a comma and you can keep the not capitalized "she" after it
at that moment must be between comas
comma after grins and it should be either the numeral for 3 or singular for grin there
the bit after the last comma makes it feel like something is missing from there
comma after seen
are you sure you wanted to use broiling and not boiling there?
the comma between smiling and face is unnecessary but it works for the effect
10484067
Good catches
I don't want a pause there, even if it is grammatically incorrect.
That comma is there because I do want a pause there. Even if it sounds fine without it.
Actually just needed to remove the dash. Onrush is a word and it was the word I meant to use.
Definition of onrush
1
: a rushing forward or onward
I did, actually, because I'm referring to Earth Ponies as a race in general rather than just to an the earth pony this story is about in particular. The 'bounty' the sentence refers to is the bounty of all Earth Ponies rather than that of this one earth pony specifically.
Think it reads better just to lose the comma's entirely.
Gonna have to agree to disagree on this one, I think adding commas would just make the sentence unnecessarily choppy.
I'm not sure what's not working for you. The sentence is saying there is a lack of usual animal noises. Death would make it sound like there had been animal noises and then they died, and deft doesn't make any sense in the context at all. I'm leaving this as is.
Definition of dearth
1
: scarcity that makes dear
2
: an inadequate supply : LACK
Think I'm just going to replace the first 'instead' with 'rather'.
Why use the numeral? The word three should be fine. Though I think I'll take out that 'a'.
Put the comma in the wrong part of the sentence. Fixed.
Yes. To Broil something is to cook it on direct heat, specifically meat, which usually leads to the meat roasting in its own juices. Boiling would imply that she was being liquefied by the caramel and her flesh was vaporizing instead of getting burnt and slowing off as was stated earlier in the paragraph.
I do like dramatic pauses, sometimes.
Thanks
either something is missing here or something needs to not be here
if it wasn't you, your autocorect is a bitch, it should be the other way around for the "realm infernal"
this doesn't end with a comma, and you know it
are you sure you don't want a comma after spirits?
wow... ok... so: comma after should be, relativelly hotter between comas and coma after realm, but the last one is not necessary
there's either a comma after might have, comma after might or something's missing from here
this either needs a comma after rationalism or doesn't
comma after led to
something is missing in here, after was i think you wanted to write turned
i don't think the second comma after the second down is really necessary, better move it after battle if you want to keep it and after "there" the sentence feels incomplete and it feels that a "when" or "where" should bee after moment
it seems that altough you want to use and know how to use apositions you forogot that they need to be separated by commas, even if this means that they brake the peace you originally intended
10484133
dearth also means hunger and that is why i was confused
10484166
Actually a semi-reference to the Realm Eternal, which is a title of Asgard. I should have capitalized it here.
True, that's just a typo.
I guess I will this time. It's kind of a run on sentence otherwise.
Nope. 'His back was to her' means just that, his back was facing her. But since backs do not usually have a face, that would be a silly thing to say.
thanks
i think is try tough as she might
correct me if I'm wrong but isn't this expression usually written with a coma or exclamation sign after bot of the terms? it's fine as it is but I'm just asking, even if it would work better with the exclamation signs after bot yes and of course, again with keeping the following word non capitalized since it doesn't affect the phrase and it is grammatically correct
these are two separate phrases and the best way to write them is period after knocking and comma after tough
you sure that dash is necessary there?
again with the coma at the end of a sentence
that was meant to be replaced right?
if you used:
then why have you used
, the ponified version, the second time?
also
10483508
considering your profile pic that is a great statement to be said
10484238
I could replace 'though' with 'as' and it would be the same sentence, but just adding 'as' in doesn't make sense, and the difference isn't a significant enough one to bother with.
If it were an exclamation I would have used an exclamation mark, but this is more of an introspective thought, not really an 'aha!' moment. There is usually a comma when it is an exclamation though, you are right about that, but you are also right that it doesn't really need one here.
If I did that there would also need to be a comma after moment. I think I'll change the 'though' to 'although'.
Probably not but I'm wanting to invoke an old timey feel to the word choice there and I think just using a space or an apostrophe would just confuse people.
If my spell checker could also detect punctuation typos we wouldn't be here to begin with.
Yup.
Actually mannequin is not a 'ponified' version of the word, A mannequin is the type of doll that is typically used to display fashion, while a manikin is a type of doll typically used as a medical or scientific display of anatomy.
I'd like to say I was being clever here and was hinting at something grotesque about the displays, but in truth I just used the wrong version of the word there and spell checker did not catch it. 'Mannequin' is the correct term in this context.
Thanks
is import used with the modern meaning or the meaning of importance here?
well here even if you don't want to put the comma after then it is necessary to make the sentence more bearable to read
two things, not at all and the coma typo that you seem to make a lot when that kind of breaking in dialogue happens
you sure that you don't want to use boat? i don't think a floating bead is what a crown should be called, even in the given context
i think a was is missing from here other wise it sounds wrong
no grammar problems just wanted to say that this is the best characterization you could've done to the candy mare even the sick burn is in sink with her character
yup i think every time you want to use though in this kind of context although is better
i think the word you were seeking was knowing
one by one between comas as it is an apposition
i'm pretty sure as is better than tough in here
i don't think "for time immemorial" works here i think "from immemorial times" is better
so you did went in advance and changed some of the mistakes and added new things to the story, anyway i think this phrase is still broken, not sure if the comma between tormented and common being replaced by a simple by would change much it's meaning but a second comma between sadists and most is necessary any way
between up and souls might need a with otherwise this feels incomplete
either drop as, or write happened after nothing because if you don't this phrase feels incomplete
never herd of the word ifit
what's with all this missing the space between words?
one of the to the's needs to drop
latinised or normal spelling, make up your mind
either a comma or an or between told and heard
after Hell you need a coma
I find myself feeling sorry for the Daughter of Thrace...
Um, by Thrace, do you refer to the region in Southeast Europe?
10484927
Sort of, more the mythological version of it.
The implication is that the demoness is a descendant of the Mares of Diomedes. They were a herd of wild, flesh eating creatures that terrorized Thrace.
Since FiM borrowed a lot from Greek mythology I thought it would be appropriate to include a few monsters and terrors from that mythos in Hell.
10485123
Oh, thanks! I like that idea very much.
As if Pumpkin Patch's life and death weren't sad enough...
You, Knackerman, are truly remarkable.
Ah *yay*, here we go again.
I don't even know how I feel about this new development.
Top contendors: amazement with a side of bewilderment, maybe a dash of triumph
10484298
Importance. Remember that Lemon Drop died before the founding of Equestria, so he has a very archaic mode of speech at times.
Fiiiine.
I did mean 'not all' there though, in reference to Lemon Drop saying that the Candy Mare thought she had it 'all worked out'. She's saying she does have it partially worked out, but not all. The comma thing though, I fix.
I wasn't referring to the crown as a bed and I certainly wouldn't call it a boat as a n alternative anyways, since it is definite not a boat. I was using the first definition of berth, to refer to the crown coming up to its landing point a few yards away from the wall of flames.
noun
a ship's allotted place at a wharf or dock.
I can see where that might not be very clear though, so I'll rework the sentence.
Glad you approve!
10484366
I mean, either works, but I think I agree.
Yup.
No, gonna have to disagree with that. 'As' would imply I'm comparing the figure to something that is not as eaten up as it is, where as the sentence is about it being recognizable 'even though' she is half eaten.
Thanks though.
10484432
It might sound better to you that way, but 'time immemorial' is a common phrase used in speech and writing, and I like the grandsons cadence of it.
Haven't edited any chapters since I posted the story, no.
'Shriveled up with souls'? That doesn't make sense... I'm describing the souls being shriveled, not the abominations selling them.
Good catch.
I might have edited this chapter on my phone.
I think you quoted the wrong thing there. What was spelled differently?
Actually meant to drop 'told' there.
Thanks
10485856
daemon and demon, i don't know why it copied the same thing again
sorry for the break but i spent a night with the first batch, and again sorry but you need a coma after the from, because that break will emphasizes the later part and it makes more sense both grammatically and lyrically
i think "that" needs to drop or you need to write it as that something and ad a coma after it
not asking you to change it since it makes sense but a better alternative is "very instincts" since, in this context, it adds more tension and describes how deary is Patch's situation in reality
sorry but a break is necessary after around so a comma is needed
not sure if that new paragraph was necessary there since the effect is the same with or without that break in the paragraph, both the visual one and the lyrical one
I'm pretty sure Exactly could be between commas those two brakes will help with the pacing of the phrase, but this is just up to you
question mark and capitalized "o" of "on" would have the same effect
same as before, every comma changed with question mark and the normal lettering after them in the first part of this paragraph amd one question mark after the three dots with normal sentence-case afterwards
are you sure this is not one of her thoughts? It'll make more sense
comma after answer other wise the sentence is to long
there's a to missing in here
you are missing a that in here
you had a chance to redescribe patch here for the ones that only started to read from this part of the series, although i don't remember you fully describing her ever in the series, except maybe for the sunset encounter and the every time you described the candy mare, but you didn't took that chnce
her tormentors were playing with her between commas otherwise the pacing is broken
unnecessary paragraph break here, the effect was achieved already if you would've just put Herself in italics after the three dots
NGL everyone who hasn't seen any of Cozzy Glow episodes would have the same reaction
and that is a perfect Cozzy for you also starting from this point on you should go and change all the commas at the end of sentences/phrases with periods, this chapter is filled with them and i won't point all of them, but I'll say this: the next one is in the next paragraph
that hat is either a what or a that also perfect reaction for those who haven't seen any of Cozzy's episodes
I don't think CVozzy would use old English
you couldn't help to roast lemon drop there, could you?
just for the effect of the next revealing to be more ironical you could have added the turning tables saying here
a comma is sufficient here
this sentence is way to long, better put a comma somewhere in there, i may suggest after say, for a better effect,either that or sorry to say between commas for the same effect
ichor or lichor? since it's the candy mare and i don't think she has blood
you sure this is not an exclamation?
I just realized that that coma typo might have been made even in the narrator's explanations
I think the three dots work better here
i think it's matter here
again, you sure it's not an exclamation point here?
10486275
No worries.
Fair enough.
Fiiiine.
Yeah, that makes sense there.
I was iffy on that one, but if you think it works, sure.
Indeed there is.
I don't see where adding a that would help. I could replace 'the' with 'that' if you think that would read better though.
Yes I was intentionally keeping it vague, with more than enough hints for long time readers, so that if there were still anyone in the audience who hadn't figured it out it would keep them guessing. I know it seems like this is the moment of the big reveal for long time fans, but the confirmation of that reveal comes later.
Thanks
K.
That.
Ah, but the Cozy we are familiar with from the show also wouldn't swear. She's a very slightly different Cozy who is far older than the one we are used to, likely from an alternate universe, though still similar enough to be recognizable.
In an entire realm full of sinners and demons, yeah he still deserves it.
Seems a little cliche, although 'my how the tables have turned' would be appropriate in this situation.
Fair enough.
Ichor. The implication is rather than wounding her candy body, the slash to lemon drops throat wounded what passed for her soul. Since she is a magical entity, it is ichor rather than blood that flows through her veins.
i·chor
/ˈīkôr/
noun
GREEK MYTHOLOGY
the fluid that flows like blood in the veins of the gods.
No, that definitely should be an exclamation.
Ugh. I was going to have to go back through anyways, might as well look for both at the same time.
Yup.
Thanks
i think that was supposed to be quite
comma after beneath her hooves, because the phrase is to long and needs a break and that is the only place where it makes sense and maybe another one after terror
you either put betwixt between commas or rewrite the whole thing in a way that makes more sense
useless comma is useless
and missing period is missing
you sure you don't want a comma after beauty?
10486476
Yup, sure was.
Fair enough.
Well it was a list of the things disorienting her like - this, that, and the other - but if you think it's unnecessary so be it.
Yeah...
It sounds right either way to me, but since it doesn't change the cadence I'll make the change.
Thanks
10486444
between body and had
two things, cut a her and comma after hooves if you deem necessary
either a coma before lone or after form
either there's a comma/ suspension points missing after she or that she has to drop, otherwise the sentence feels incomplete
comma between pebble and briefly, or the sentence would feel to long for the pacing
the word you're looking for is quickly
10486546
Good catch.
Fair enough.
Nope. Quick-freeze is a word actually, and it was intentionally used since she's made of candy.
quick-freeze
/ˈkwikˌfrēz/
verb
gerund or present participle: quick-freezing
Thanks
I understand why the let is in there but it also works with led
after the first before you need a comma
that period after tough could be a simple comma
comma after knew otherwise the sentence won't make sense
why are this periods? this is an enumeration, they must be commas, you can keep the last period tough the one after destiny
I'm pretty sure that you could actually say this with an in before here and make it sound more accurate but the way you did it is also OK
now that's a weird spelling for don't and honestly who doesn't misstype those keys?
comma after this even without the question mark that's the way to write that phrase
another useless coma after jury, in an enumeration and can substitute the coma, there are times where a coma before and works but only because that and is not part of an enumeration
this sentence makes no sense i feel that there's something missing in here but i don't know what
i guess you haven't made it to this chapter with the comma typo check, this is the first one in here so no worries
that's not where you put a coma but given that is the last chapter before the epilogue and until now you placed them in the right place, it's excusable
a handkerchief? i thought you were supposed to wear only one in the pocket does lemon drop wears one in every pocket? Is he that of a snob? Who does that thing anyway?
so what? don't get me wrong is good as it is but some would want few more words after that so, blame it on modern speech ocd
not exactly a problem but a small complain that you could have used helpless instead of hapless or even unlucky at least for this scene helpless would've been the better word and as for the previous time you could've used unlucky
you can say that again
and so it starts, you did a great job on highlighting Cozy only to let both Lemon and Pumpkin take turns at who can come up with the bet mockery for her in this situation
first: great comeback from pumpkin, second: are you sure that wasn't supposed to say really?
like i said make up your mind with this word's spelling, latinized or English
you're missing an are in here
well deserved sick burn is well deserved considering the fact that Cozy really was so stubborn to miss or dismiss all the warning lemon gave her and also this makes Pumpkin the winner in the battle of who can shut that bitch's mouth once and for all
well deserved just deserts are well deserved
you sure you didn't wanted to say sugar and sweets?
10487017
I think I was trying to be dramatic.
I'm usually pretty good at catching those kinds of errors though, dunno how this one eluded me.
The Candy Mare is referring to all of the dead souls trapped in ice who are locked inside unending nightmares where they are essentially torturing themselves. Since they are already dead, dying from their torments just resets the scenerio of the nightmare, over and over again, making it a never ending nightmare. What might be throwing you is the phrase 'you lot' which is an idiom used to refer to a group collectively.
Pronoun. you lot. (idiomatic, colloquial, chiefly Britain, may have disparaging nuance) You (plural). You lot had better knock it off.
Thanks
10487119
Yes, he is that much of a snob. He is basically a Victorian dandy. He likes to put on airs like he's some high noble, but he's actually overcompensating for the fact he was a nobody in Unicorn society.
Hell never stood a chance.
Yes, because it's a nod to a line from one of my favorite horror films.
I like both though! Just calling them demons over and over again gets stale, but devil and hellspawn over and over again gets stale too. Suffer me an occasional daemon.
That I am.
Thanks!
10487149
Yup.
The implication is that the buildings aren't just being made over in candy but also in the fat and flesh of demons, rendering them partially organic. I think describing this organic material as suet, which is also a baking component, makes for some interesting mental imagery.
Now that’s a lot of damage