• Member Since 22nd Sep, 2012
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Disavowed ASH


I kick evil in the NARDS ! Here be thy Patronage Page !

Sequels1

Comments ( 48 )
Comment posted by Disavowed ASH deleted May 9th, 2017
Comment posted by FanOfMostEverything deleted May 9th, 2017
Comment posted by Boulder deleted May 9th, 2017

I like what I see so far.

Another great chapter! Things are getting really interesting. Keep up the good work!

‘All that it’s necessary for the triumph of evil is for good folk to do nothing.’

I literally just saw that in a youtube video :rainbowkiss:

“I should have brought the double-barrel.”

Never leave home without one folks.

A nice start to this so far, I'm liking this MC quite a bit, monster hunter? I like~
Nice job

Oh hey, I read this in that PM :yay:

“RIP AND TEAR UNTIL IT IS DONE!!!” I roared at the top of lungs with wrath and ferocity.

:ajsmug:
DOOM Much?

Nice work on this

She had legs for eons, and her figure worthy of her tittle of goddess,

Had to bring this up for two reasons.
Firstly, Legs for eons... is that a play on that whole, [BLANK] for days thing? Like, bullets for days?
Second, tittle... :trollestia: hehe

Nicely done man, liking where this is going, hahaha

Now some of you are wondering why I deleted some comments? Mostly my own mind you. Well it was because they referred to previous more crude versions of this story, and frankly no longer apply.

Please understand the circumstances, and if you feel like commenting again, gladly do so.

May you all have a nice day. :twilightsmile:

Oooohohoo, you’ve improved just a bit, nicely done Ash, this was a damn good read~
And Blueblood... really? Good lord that boy needs to be punched... again :trollestia:

She stepped back and I got up headed after Celestia with as much calm as possible.

Needs to be a comma or an And there.

Goood work Ash!

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I do apologize for that. I tend to write each chapter with a goal scene in mind and I continue writing until I reach it. My apologies. Unfortunately I can't really do much now. I think. The disparity in chapter length used to be much worse before I fused the other chapters into a single second one.

Unless you have any ideas? :twilightsmile:

Now, to those that have given the 5th ans 6th dislike, I know why you did it. "How dare he post such a story in an Everyone Folder!"

All right, All right, you bunch of prima-donnas. Here is the deal. I did that by accident.

I used the icon to my left, and due to the sites new format and style I didn't even notice the Everyone at the top of it.

So there, it was an honest mistake done by an author that is insanely desperate to get more readers.

Now to my point. To those that notice that the story was for a few minutes in the Starswirl group? I didn't read what "Partial Character" meant. Starswirl's work is mentioned, but the stallion himself is absent in this point in time in the universe of this story's setting. So no, sorry by the mighty wizard isn't here. Sorry.

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All right, there were two more likes. I felt that I needed to announce that. Here is the thing, this story may have been my first, but It has been killed and revived three times. only now in it's third life is it prospering.

In many ways, this may actually be my third story, or me simply refusing to let something fail and work on it to the point that I form entire worlds around a singular idea.

But in the end this is only the beginning , I will make more once this one is done.

So hold on to your boxers and panties folks, this world depicted here is far from over! :pinkiecrazy:

Most interesting. This was a tricky read, but I have a friend who has a very similar writing style to you—prosaic, strong world-building—so it's familiar to me.

This story and your character remind me of a foul-mouthed pony Celtic version of Harry Dresden, and I actually like that a lot. The characters are interesting and the world you've developed is very thoroughly designed and built, with lots of details. I also like the attention to detail you put into the magic: I like when authors go beyond "Magic Does Shit."

However, I have a small problem with the story (the same problem with my aforementioned friend, in fact—you might've heard of him, a guy named Wing). Your story has a tendency to go awful fast and cut explanations a bit short (and if there are explanations, they are, at times, buried in thick prose that makes it harder to understand), leaving the reader a step or two behind at times. More than once, I had to stop and reread something before I understood what you were trying to tell me. Having a brightly designed, colorful world is great. Showing us that without giving much explanation, as if you're expecting us to just implicitly understand what you're trying to tell us, isn't that great.

An example: when MC was listening in on the two Guards that were talking and he mentions that the Lieutenant, whose name he gives away, is involved in the cult. How does he know that? That's not something that I think was explained clearly enough and it left me confused.

The familiar is a similar example: it comes seemingly out of nowhere and little or no context or information is given about him. I'm not saying that this style of writing is necessarily wrong or bad—on the contrary, if that's your own personal style, what you're comfortable with, then that's what works for you. I'm just saying that personally, it's kind of hard for me to be impressed with something when I'm wondering "Where did that come from?"

Nonetheless, I really like the premise and characters, your stories are detailed and thorough, the world is wonderfully detailed and colorful—the blending of cultures and practices is something I particularly enjoy—and I love the care and detail you put into the magic. I will be giving this a thumbs up, and I shall get to the other chapters soon!

Oh, yeah, one other thing. I spotted a typo in this chapter:

I couldn't bring myself to look hi in the eye there. 

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I just fixed that typo. Just now. An instant ago.

Also I actually never mentioned the First Lieutenants name.

Arpeggio is another pony all together, he was one of the judges that where present in Twilight Sparkle's entrance exam into Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns.

vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/5/53/Arpeggio_ID_S1E23.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/448?cb=20130204010712

Considering when I started writing this and the years that must have past since he appeared in the episode "Cutie Mark Chronicles". All the way back in season 1.

He is considered here to be a composer, sorcerer, a Noble, and Octavia Philharmonic's father. He was mentioned for a very good reason. Folklore doesn't know who the First Lieutenant is, but he knows of the Noble that is having him do a "political favor", and that noble is Arpeggio.

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Oh and thank you friend, welcome to the fold. :twilightsmile:

And this is a mystery, you will know more as you read.

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Also, if you meant that the "First" in First Lieutenant was a name? No, it's a rank. Trust me on this, no name was regarding the First Lieutenant is known or mentioned.

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Right. I must've misread it. That'll teach me to be more careful in the future.

8297640
I know it's a little late. But It's all right. Thank you for your time.

UPDATE: I posted my comment in the wrong place, so I had most of the content removed for me to make a new one. Sorry!

Okay, this is a long chapter, with a lot of details, so my review and thoughts are going to be given bit by bit over the course of multiple comments.

I'll start by saying simply that your writing style is actually very engaging, a good pace and fascinating thoughts from our lead. It's noir, complete with the mysteirous dame approaching the lead, as intended. I just have to say, that's a lot of thoughts, and that's a long chapter! I understand that the whole book is what it is, but for reference of future chapters, you could divide the chapters into two chapters, since you establish enough information and make enough progress for two chapters, and it might make it a mite easier to read for some users!

They say you can learn a lot about a writer from the opening line:

I remember that particular day well.

This really grabs attention, it makes the reader think about what is going to happen, because this opening line is really specific, zeroing in on a particular character's memories and on a particular day.

“Typical,” I said in a hushed tone; couldn’t really help it. You try looking at that without wanting to throw them a fucking brick. I dare ya.

That last sentence in particular made me think of this guy:
i4.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article4031506.ece/ALTERNATES/s615/Groundskeeper-Willie-from-The-Simpsons.jpg

I'll write more thoughts on both this chapter and the next chapter later. I don't read stuff, I devour it, and you have a lot of details for me to analyze!

"Oh, crap."

is the first line, and the second line is

Crap.

You win a George Lucas portrait for starting and ending in similar ways!
coffeewithkenobi.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/Lucas-by-cellulord.blogspotdotcom.jpg

This development of the Albion Kingdom, as a people who frequently spy on Celestia and she does nothing about it, is interesting, and it raises a lot of questions. Why do the Albions keep doing this if it gets no results?

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To test spies. Albion and Equestria are currently in good terms. But the whole thing started at a time where they where at odds. Celestia laughed it off, and all was forgiven. After relations improved Celestia offered to help train Albion spies personally in exchange for Black Tea and that the Albion Navy would come to Equestria's rescue in case of foreign invasion. Celestia also offers sanctuary to Albion spies that have their cover blown in other parts of the world. She helped avoid countless international incidents and basically has access to all of Albion's secrets.....

... The problem?

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! SON OF A BITCH!!!!! CELESTIA GETTING SODOMISED BY A MINOTAUR!!!! GHAAAAAAA!!!!!

The process hurt ...

Personally, "caribou" would've made it funnier, but eh, it works. :twilightsmile:

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Caribou are just wild animals in this universe.

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Considering what I'm referencing, my point stands. :pinkiecrazy:

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Trust me I know, but any attempt at my art of tearing "that" asunder will be done in another story and universe all together. And it will be a Violent Dark Comedy. :P

8661977
If it's about turning things from that premise's nadir back to where they are in canon, I'll read it.

Just make it believable.

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After all this time I never knew what you meant by believable, considering I view 'THAT' which you are referencing as the lowest form of crap in existence. I shall destroy it like I destroyed Cupcakes.

No mercy....

Whew, well... that was certainly an interesting chapter, most curious :pinkiegasp: One hell of a fight leading up to some Ash vs Evil Dead shit, whew!

Good show!

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Hehe. So much thought was placed into the action, and monsters. I can assure you I researched everything from underground tunnels, fire arms and Corridor Tactics. That and Monsters, and Pulp Science.

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Whew, no kiddin' huh? Well good on ya! :D

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."

Oooh, interesting! The action clips along at a very fast speed, which can sometimes make it hard to keep up and risks exhausting the reader, but also forces the reader to slow down a bit and consider what they're facing. Conspiracies everywhere, and awesome action. I like this!

8780752
As this is written in first person from the mind of a Pony with a photographic memory, but also one that has some serious repressed rage, guilt, and trauma, some of the narration specially in combat can be messy not because it's inaccurate but because actual combat is erratic and brutal not to mention requiring of split second instinctual action, and some luck.

While I'm no delinquent I was a practitioner of Hapkido and Taekwondo, and I did participate in frequent sparring and monthly tournaments.

I unfortunately got into one bar brawl and I nearly got robbed once. I was lucky that no guns where involved and that I was as strong and had as big of a pain threshold that I did in the bar fight and it involved two idiots that thought I scratched their car. The time I was going to be mugged at knife point but I broke the thief's wrist instead got kick in the groin a black eye and light slash in my leg for my trouble, kept my wallet though.

And before all of that I was stabbed on the side with a box cutter knife in elementary school by accident.

There is also me surviving that car crash with mom when I was 10.

And that is just the stuff you would believe, anything else I mention here and it would come off as me either being a complete lunatic (not really that far off) or a sympathy seeking delusional wack-job. :P

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Bud, I work as a corrections officer. The things that I would believe and not believe have changed a lot since I first started the academy back in August.

There is one thing about this chapter that I noted. You mentioned a guard "emptied his bowels," which would mean that he basically shit all over the floor. Is that what you meant? If you meant that he vomited, then he would have emptied his stomach, not his bowels.

(Also, blue belt taekwondo and currently taking jujitsu classes at a gym)

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First degree black-belt in both Taekwondo and Hapkido or I was six years ago. (University became a priority.) My old teacher was a master of both. I was practicing since I was seven years old till I was eighteen. It took me a decade to master them before I stopped practicing and I let myself go.

I'll fix the wording on that sentence.... Let us not speak of soiled fur and armor. :facehoof:

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Well.... I have seen floating heads, orbs of light leave "Laguna Cartagena", and a woman's severed arm choke a man to death in a morgue. I live a charmed life. :twilightoops:

“If she denies thee, I call ownership of thy rod and seed sacks.”

[Insert old timey and witty reply here]

Nicely done dude, whew... quite the fight they had, nice n' bloody.

Good show.

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Thank you. May need to work on on some things though.

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