Chapter 6
Five girls stood around a grave in Canterlot. The name upon it was obscured by the sheer volume of flowers and gifts scattered around the site, a more fitting monument to the memory of Sunset Shimmer than the hunk of granite and plaque buried underneath.
Together they held hands, linked together as a mixture of emotions washed over them. For some, there were memories of fond times to keep them company, for others, there was only a hollow sorrow which came with the knowledge of what they had lost. A pain further enhanced when the five remembered that they had not lost one, but two girlfriends.
Yet, they still had each other. Fluttershy’s confession was like a sledgehammer blow to their collective trust, yet their bond was built of something which could survive even this most earthshattering of revelations.
“Fluttershy was in the news today,” Twilight commented.
The mood noticeably cooled.
“Oh?” Applejack asked.
Twilight nodded. “They sentenced her to twenty-five years with a chance of parole after fifteen.”
“That isn’t good enough,” Rainbow growled. “They should’ve given her life.”
Rarity shook her head. “No… that isn’t what Sunset would’ve wanted.”
Everyone looked at her.
“Sunset, more than anyone, would’ve preached that people can change and redeem themselves for what they have done. For sure, what Fluttershy did was absolutely horrendous, but Sunset would’ve been the first to give her a second chance after she’s paid for and learned from her mistakes.”
Rainbow snorted. “Are you going to be there once she gets out?”
Rarity shook her head. “I have no idea. I’m nowhere near the woman Sunset Shimmer was. I don’t think I could bring myself to see Fluttershy again.”
“I know one thing,” Pinkie Pie said.
She let go of Applejack’s hand and knelt beside the grave, placing her hand against the granite.
“What’s that, sugarcube?” Applejack asked.
“I’m never going to forget Sunset.” She smiled softly. “Never ever.”
“Me neither,” Rarity agreed. “She was the best of us.”
Four heads nodded in agreement.
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The chemistry between the character was delightful, and you really sold their relationship with each other and with Sunset. The mystery plot had me tense and in suspense up until the end, and the ending was a nice bit of character exploration for each of them.
I really enjoyed this entry and wish you the best of luck in the contest.
Hmm. Not all of this sat as well with me as I wanted it to. The polyamorous angle bugged me, just because I didn't feel like the story needed it--the girls could totally have gone on a group vacation if they weren't all sleeping with each other, so that side of things felt off to me. Not story-breaking, I'd say, just something that consistently pulled me out of the story as I was reading, and since it first popped up so early on, it was a bit of a struggle for me to get invested in the story. I'll admit that that's probably fairly subjective, though.
Fortunately, the murder mystery side of things, I thought was fairly solid. I had a pretty strong suspicion that it was Fluttershy who'd done the filthy deed, but the buildup to the reveal was legitimately quite tense to read anyway, and of course it gave me that neat "ha-ha, called it!" sort of reaction. And I liked how several different characters got to make personalized contributions, with Rarity identifying boots and Applejack talking about the tire tracks and stuff like that.
So, I dunno. I enjoyed a fair bit of this, but it didn't really feel like a shipping story to me.
Framing it in polyamory was pretty great, frankly, and helps set this one apart.
Sunset, by the end, is kinda super duper murderable. Honestly after FS was done with her grievance, I realized that she had the best motive and also that she did in fact deserve restitution. Just... not that kind.
9832724
Awww thank you so much Mel. And thank you very much for proofing this for me, it's greatly appreciated.
9832764
I mean it not coming across as a shipfic was kind of nature of the beast for this contest. Though I am glad you did like the suspensefulness and build up towards the murderer's reveal.
9833608
Always the quiet ones.
9833947
I'm glad you enjoyed it Cyne, it's always a pleasure seeing your comments.
9834036
Can I ask how you come to this conclusion? I'm not outright disagreeing, just curious what the thinking there was.
9834093
I mean the contest is about a relationship ending. Shipfics are traditionally about happier relationships. I find that this contest is more toned to making drama fics than shipfics.
9834108
I don't think we agree on what constitutes a shipfic, then. I'd say some of the other entries this year have managed to be what I would call a shipfic, even working with the restriction of the relationship ending. If nothing else, I'd argue that if the relationship only ends because someone dies and it's literally impossible for it to keep going, that could still be a story about a happy relationship.
There were several moments that deserved an audio clip of the *Dun-Dun-DUUUN* dramatic sting, but my imagination will do. I was honestly surprised with the choice of murderer until the bad stories were shared. Not to many clichés, just enough to make me smile and I think the few clichés present serve the story well!
I'll be rooting for you to place, if even just as an honorable mention!
Good work mate.
Okay, yeah, ink will give much better prints.
In any case, as I said, a most engrossing mystery. Looking back, the process of elimination probably could've sussed out the culprit earlier, but I like watching the investigation in full. Thank you for this, and best of luck in the judging.
9850710
Thanks Fan, I hope the judges are as kind XD.
Damn, I thought for sure it had to be Twilight, but the confession made sense in the moment of the reveal.
Definitely not a happy ending! :B
That's... amazingly light for first-degree murder with evidence, a confession, and just... everything. The story was really strong up until the last two chapters (this being one of them, though not sure if epilogues count) and it used the prompt in a very creative way for the contest. I still feel like it suffered in some other areas, and it felt dragged down a bit. The start and investigation were strong and included plenty of chemistry and touching moments between the girls in some very dark hours, but the epilogue really sealed things badly. The forgiveness attempt delivered in the end is a crowning moment of a "wait what" character moment that turns the rest of the story on its head in a very unenjoyable way. It was like the characters forgot about the rest of the story and all that they had been through, and I was bummed that this was what a nice bit of mystery had drained into.
I also have to echo what some of what 9832764 was said here. The contest is still one centered around break-ups/endings (which you hit nicely) and romantic relationships. Getting to see Sunset polyamory not done as "omg bacon girl has wacky harem because she's so cool uwu" was refreshing and I enjoyed the serious look at it. However, the story felt too short to really explore that dynamic fully and left the romance parts feeling neglected. Even with Sunset being murdered, we still can see some of that left, and that's good. It's just not at the level to make this feel like a proper romance-type story entry in a romance-y contest (but it'd be really excellent under other prompts). A longer story would have eased this weakness and erased a lot of parts that could have been less believable, particularly Fluttershy's rushed confession.
The word count is not proportional to trying to float both the plots and the amount of girlfriends each of the characters has. While polyamory between most of the girls is entirely believable and easily sold with your writing, extending the relationship to all seven of them (in this particular story) breaks my suspension of disbelief. Applejack, Rarity, Twilight, and Sunset all had an undeniably evident girlfriend dynamic, and if the story had just them in a relationship it would've been ship-shape.
haha whoops punRainbow Dash and Pinkie felt more like satellite presences in the relationship and both the story and myself, as the reader, couldn't come up with an answer to why they were dating Sunset or where that dynamic was. Fluttershy being in the relationship makes less sense as the story goes on.I liked it, but I think it could've been stronger.
I'll be honest, I really thought it was going to turn out to be a live action clue roleplay sort of thing.
I enjoyed it! But poor Sunset! And Fluttershy?! Who’d have thought?