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Spike was tired of hearing the tales of Rarity's coltfriends, and how they amaze her. Going home sad and broken, he found a black notebook that granted him the power to kill anypony as long as he had their name and face. He made a steely resolve to protect Rarity... at any cost.
Entry to National Pony Writing Month.
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hmmm intriguited
if shinigamis exist then more oriental creatures have to exist too.
This should have a crossover tag, shouldn't it?
1084611 I actually don't want to include Shinigami, but I may near the very end.
1084622 Only if it's a Worlds-Collide story. Light Yagami isn't meeting Spike. It's just the Death Note coming in for the story, and I don't deem an item enough to warrant a crossover.
1084628
well technically the death note is the whole premise of... well death note. that is a crossover. crossovers don't really have to include characters from the 2nd source.
and yeah... it was just food for thought. I guess you coulda used an alternative plot device, like an alicorn of death. and build a mythology like how the alicorn has 2 lists (death notes). a naughty and nice death note (which he decides whether ponies go to heaven or hell).
just to add that bit of kid mythos (santa just adds that childhood throw back rather than the teen oriented death note premise) to make it fit into the childish mlp universe.
iunno.
and i wanna join the writing comp too... but it seems US orientated....
nice work man
Liked, Favorited, and awaiting more.
hey a fiction based on smosh's death note episode
In your description, you're switching tenses at random. Spike "goes" home, and he "found" a black notebook. I know how little you care about descriptions, though, so on to the actual story.
Would you like to see it?” Rarity had offered. <- had offered?
I held the gift I had for her back using my magical flame, I had decided against giving it to her. I exhaled coarsely, knowing I... <- You'd do well to switch up the openings to these sentences. I know it's written from Spike's POV, but it looks odd and breaks the flow of the story.
I didn't go straight home, I wandered through Ponyville, arriving at the outskirts of the town. <- perhaps that first comma should be something other than a comma?
1002 After-Nghtmare-Moon's-Sealing <- should be obvious.
I hopped off the chair I ate <- interesting...
“Spike, when did you get in last night?I waited <- missed a space.
The six girls looked at me with surprised <- again, should be obvious.
(quill that has ink stored in it.) <- No. Just, no. You do not use brackets, even in narration. They're only acceptable when you're displaying text the character is reading/writing.
Sitting in a circle was Princesses Celestia and Luna <- were.
and several other ponies I don't recognize <- didn't.
That's all, for now.
Not bad man. Dark and interesting. It is a crossover however. If you use a element from another series it counts as a crossover. So the DN definitely counts.
1086531 Alrighty. Now regarding my PM, what would I classify this in the Sparity group?
I noticed you require a pre-reader. How may I be of service?
1089800 Oh yay. *ahem* I want a prereader for assistance with... well, everything. To make sure the story makes sense, emotions are played, make sure it isn't bland, and along the lines. Grammar is of little issue for me right now, but this is for National Pony Writing Month, so I'll be writing faster, and have less time to check on my own story's continuity.
"If only you knew, my sweet. But she didn't know, and she never will. I don't want her to feel weak because her lover cheated on her, or was using her. Either way, I won't ever tell her. I can't break her heart. It's better to have her mourning the loss of her colt." That line hits home but i don't kill people.
Dam don't know to hate Spike for killing in cold blood but he did it to help the mare he loves and looks out for her at the cost of his own life.
I don't know what to feel.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lrui6o00vb1qjs9ul.gif
Spike just hit puberty
1090336 Why thank you. Just don't touch Rarity. :3 srsly
1090717 Thank yeeew.
1090791 If puberty consists of growing the pair of balls required to murder many with a killer notebook, then I haven't hit it yet.
1090040 Got it. Anything else?
1090871 Pretty much just plot and grammar. Plot mostly.
Will there be any pony that will some what resemble L because this is not a crossover. this is just an idea but I can see in the future Twilight being put in charge of finding of what will be causing all the deaths with the code name T but just by me thinking that it sound stupid and to obvius. also another will Spike ever say "I AM THE GOD OF THE NEW WORLD" or someting like that but involving Rairitys love in some way?
1091033 I am not thinking of having a rival much at all. I intended this to be a comedy, but if I write it seriously, Spike will literally be his own enemy. He'll simply be trying to come to terms with himself, and if I have an L character, which is almost unlikely, it would probably be Twilight... except I'd do it differently than Death Note. Spike isn't trying to be noticed, he's not trying to get Rarity to know that somepony is protecting her, Spike is doing his best to remain hidden.
But I am open to ideas.
In regards to "I AM THE GOD OF THE NEW WORLD," Spike did that already. The last words of the first chapter is pretty much it. "I will protect Rarity at any cost."
1090875
You said plot
FUCK YEAH! Spike is the new Light Yagami!
Awesome story. Will be following this.
1091928 Oh alrighty then. :3
This is strong. Hope you continue this.
Damn... Glad to see this story is continuing. Poor Spike..
"I glanced over my shoulder and spotted her spotted her smile."
Maybe "spotted her" should only appear once.
Other than that, this is a good continuation.
Ponies and Death Note!?
I can't wait for this to update more!
Needs more updates. I want more!
Rationalizing, always a bad sign.
1104573 Expect lots of unsure Spike moments. Unlike Light Yagami, he will never be okay with murder.
1105524 Light made Death Note awesome.
1105837 I prefer L, but the manga/anime Light was sort of... too precise. He had was smart, sure, but holy shit, he was too smart. The movies toned it down a little, but they made Light more sympathetic as well... which was my goal here. I believe a good villain is one you could sympathize with, even if the villain is the main character. OF course, complete assholes are likeable too, I just think that the inability to look at Light and feel sorry is the reason I chose the path I made for Spike.
Spike still murders a lot of ponies, tho. o_o
1105856 Light felt bad at the start. Didn't last long as he already had pure disdain for the rest of the world. Light's intelligence is what leads to the whole thing playing out as it does. Light makes an excellent assassin. His weapon's a bit OP though.
1105990 Thing is, it took a little more probing out of Light in the movies to make him turn over. He had believed in the law being the ultimate weapon, and when he visited a bar, he overheard a few criminals talking, specifically one and how he murdered a girl in front of her parents. Cue criminals noticing Light watching, confront Light, and then he realized how broken the justice system really was, and in his pain, he wound up finding the Death Note. It took an actual showing of how broken the law is to convince him.
OP weapon is the only thing Spike has here. His intelligence and inability to cope with murder is actually one of the main sources of conflict in this story as opposed to, say, an L character or Shinigami or second Kira. Spike's main enemy is pretty much his conscious. Unlike Light, Spike is trying to stay hidden and not be found out, so the only chance of having an antagonist would be to have Twilight discover the notebook... which I'm unsure about.
1106056 Indeed. I like Light from the manga better personally. The movies, as you said, took him out of character to create a sympathy point. I don't find myself sympathizing with Light. I find myself agreeing with him.
Spike's actions are a little more questionable though, and it's good to see him with self loathing for them.
1106162 They didn't take him out of character, they just gave us a reason to care about him and his goals, at least in my opinion. I know mankind is full of shit, and Light may have been an executioner of criminals, but him as a character... it's as Near said; he's just a murderer. Movie Light, I could actually nod my head when he boasted the world's shittiness.
They are definitely different, since he's not killing criminals, just those who date Rarity because he doesn't trust them due to Blueblood and Blackhoof. Paranoia, basically.
1106200 Yep, yep.
1106221 Question: Is there anything you don't like in this story, for feedback purposes? Anything you expect, etc.? o_o
Not particularly. I suspect Spike is going to kill someone "innocent," and it's going to push him over the edge.
1106372 Alrighty then.
1106425 Speaking of feedback, forget about something?
1106675 Ehhhn, may~be... I'll get back to you soon. o_o
1106705 You all are so slow. I already wrote the next two chapter, while I waited.
1106780 I may be slow, but it's because I suck. o_o
1106867 Nah, but you at this rate you are gonna be short on the 50,000 word goal.
1106954 Trust me, I won't. 50,000 words is an easy write.
1106960 I got 13,000 some at the moment.
1107083 I've got... 7,000, according to this site. Either way, I'll definitely reach the goal. I hope. It's not that hard.
1107168 Maybe.
1107211 It's typically an easy task for me to write a lot of words.