The Seventh is Confusion
Tirek flicked a pebble across the stone floor of Grogar's swamp fortress and yawned. He looked up at Chrysalis, who read a magazine while seated in one of the stone chairs. They honestly didn't look very comfortable, but he already knew that changelings were fools. That went without saying.
He did his best to avoid Cozy Glow's gaze. He knew what lay down that road, and he didn't like it. Not one bit.
He heard a ping. He did his best to ignore it.
Another ping.
And anoth—
He swiveled his head in the direction of the ping. “Cozy Glow will you stop making that infernal racket?”
“What racket?”
Tirek growled. “You know full well what racket! Those noises you're making with that… that thing!”
Cozy pursed her lips, then held up the rectangular device and grinned. “You mean this thing?”
“Yes, that thing!” He pointed at the thing. “Now will you please cease the incessant noisemaking so I can be at peace?”
The devil filly looked at Tirek, then the thing, then went back to poking at it. “Nah, fam, I'm shuttering with my bros.”
Tirek clenched a fist. “You are a very rude filly and none of what you just said made any sense.”
“She's communicating with people she met on the arcanet,” Chrysalis said as she turned a page.
Tirek took a deep breath and sighed. “What is an… arcanet?”
“It's like.” Cozy Glow kept tapping in response to the pings. “It's like this magical communication system that connects stuff worldwide.”
Chrysalis grunted. “Precisely.” She started to turn another page, then stopped and slowly put her magazine down. “And if I'm not mistaken, you're using Shutter.” She rose from her seat and walked towards Cozy Glow. “Which only means one thing.”
Tirek looked at the two females. Chrysalis, glaring down at Cozy Glow. Cozy Glow, leaning her head up to return the look. Tirek knew what this meant.
This meant blood was about to spill. Tirek smiled. He had not seen blood for a very long time.
Chrysalis pulled out a device of her own. “What's your Shutter info?”
“You want my Shutter info?” Cozy narrowed her gaze at Chrysalis. “I didn't know you had a Shutter account.”
“Of course I have a Shutter account!” Chrysalis hissed. “What do you take me for, a troglodyte? Now give me your info!”
Tirek felt personally attacked by that last statement. He had no idea what a Shutter account was and he was pretty sure he wasn't a troglodyte. Part gargoyle on his mother's side, sure, but not a troglodyte.
Cozy eyed down the deposed Changeling Queen for a moment before her features brightened. “Ooooh, another friend!” Cozy said as she beamed. “I'm CurlsandSugar.”
Chrysalis gagged and stuck as her tongue as she poked her own device in a precise manner that suggested a conveyance of meaning. “There, I requested you.”
Another ping reverberated from Cozy's phone. “Are you Queen_Chrysalis?”
“Am I Queen—” she rubbed her face with a hoof “—of course I am you wretch now add me!”
Cozy giggled. “Just had to make sure.” She poked her device. “Okay. Added you.”
“Okay, neat!”
Chrysalis nodded and went back to her seat.
Tirek blinked. He had no idea what to make of the ritual he just witnessed, what the devices were… any of it, really.
For the first time since he left Tartarus, he felt… out of his element. There was naught to conquer in this interaction. No blood, no glory, no victory. Just random insults facilitating a common understanding.
He looked at Chrysalis, who continued where she left off in her magazine, her device-thing now prominently displayed on the table
He turned his gaze back to Cozy Glow, currently ensorcelled by her device-thing.
Tirek stood up.
“I require a breath of air.”
“'kay.” Chrysalis and Cozy Glow said in unison.
Tirek moaned a bit as he walked out of the room to collect his thoughts. Outside he encountered Grogar, the Father of Monsters, enjoying the brackish view of the swamp through a glass window.
Grogar clicked his tongue. “The swamp looks lovely today.”
Tirek nodded slowly. “Indeed it does.” He pressed his eyes shut. “Indeed… it… does.”
The two shared in silence for a moment. It was not a pregnant silence, nor was it aborted. It was more of the conceptual kind. Full of possibilities.
“Is something weighing on your mind, Tirek?”
Tirek looked at Grogar, who gave him concerned look. Grumpy, but concerned. Goats couldn't help not looking grumpy.
“Well, uh…” Tirek trailed off as he bit his lip.
Grogar grit his teeth. “One of the most important aspects of teamwork is honest and open communication.” He grunted. “Now tell me what ails you.”
Tirek took a breath. “... what is a Shutter?”
“Hmmm,” Grogar intoned thoughtfully. “A Shutter account lets you communicate with individuals over long distances with a compatible device. Why do you ask?”
“Well.” Tirek sighed. “Cozy Glow has this horrific device that keeps making ping noises that's apparently connected to some kind of arcanet, then Chrysalis asked for her Shutter account information and I thought they were going to fight so as you can imagine I'm very confused and disappointed—”
“Oh, right!” Grogar said as his eyes indicated insight.
Tirek gave Grogar a sidelong glance. Grogar then pulled out a device and lobbed it to Tirek, who clumsily caught it.
“I forgot to give you your company phone!” Grogar chuckled, a sound more reminiscent of pain than pleasure.
Tirek stood there dumbly. “Ph-phone?”
“Don't worry about using it with our connection,” he said as he walked into the main sitting area.
“Connection? What connection?
“We're behind seven proxies,” Grogar's voice trailed off into the depths.
Tirek glanced at the… phone in his hand as he stood in front of the muddy view.
“Grogar, what connection?” he asked as he turned the phone this way and that.
It had a lovely iridescent sheen to it.
“What are proxies?”
Masterful, even.
“More importantly, what in Equestria is a 'phone’?”
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Ha, I love it. Tirek's really old and unlike Grogar, didn't have the benefit of a crystal goat eye ball to keep up to date.
9585527
Yeah, that's what I was thinking too.
Ha! Tirek so old. He's so old that he's...
... uh
He's... older than... me?
I'm going to preemptively declare "Goddammit, Syeekoh" at this point.
... Yes, yes, I'm glad I did. Though I now kind of want a story of Luna and Tirek commiserating over how quickly the world passed them by while they were indisposed.
This turns out backfiring on them when Grogar tell them the plan and Cozy shares it all on Shutter, forgetting that Twilight, The Student Six, and a large number of her other "friends" from the school all still follow her.
Also, typo at the very beginning. Although I do suppose that Tirek likely is "tired" as well.
Is... Is it wrong that I identify entirely with Tirek in this story?
9585628
Not at all.
Well I guess you can say that Tirek is probably never going to understand the internet because if he asks that kind of question then he must come from a time we’re there was no internet or phones.
Also I think I pulled a muscle from containing my laughter when I read this.
But what if the whole arcanet was made of bean paste?
9585677
What if...
9585678
Would it matter if you needed a BEANER account to connect to the beanet?
9585681
Oh God please no
It's been literal years since I've encountered the phrase "seven proxies." Grogar's only slightly less out of touch...
chapter two when?
seriously, this concept has a lot that can be exploited.
9585741
Heh.
I mainly wrote this to clear out the cobwebs a bit.
I may revisit this concept in a sequel.
9585744
A sequel about beans or semen I bet.
9585599
Shut up and take my money.
Some days I know how Tirek feels.
It's the little things that count.
9586565
I don't know what that means. Am I old too?
9585599
Don't be silly, Luna's been spying on everyone's dreams for over a thousand years and is surely up to date on all the dank memes. She probably got herself a massive social media presence the instant she got back to Equestria, assuming she couldn't get reception on the moon and didn't have one already.
I very rarely venture into fanfic based on recent canon, but I'm glad I did for this. I never knew until now how much I needed a story about Tirek trying to understand the internet.
9587764
You know, I’ve been reading this comment for a bit, and I have to say that it’s probably my favorite comment ever.
9587380
I feel you; didn't recognize it, either.
Like most things I don't get on sight, it turned out to be a meme.
I am contractually obligated to-
Tirek, the ultimate grumpy old man.
Having myself been forced by necessity to set up a Facebook account (entirely because I need it for my business, I otherwise don't Social Media)), I can deeply sympathise with Tirek. I don't get it all, either.
We're old, we knew exactly what you meant with "7 proxies". Also, that's so out of style, you want blockchain now! :P
9585527
Sucks to be him.
9608819
HA!
I love this :D
Poor Tirek has a out of time experience..
Not even knowing what a the Arcanet or a shutter account is and I was laighing so hard he did not even know what a telephone is xD
Brilliant simply brilliant
J
I wouldn't be surprised that Tirek was less "up-to-date" than members of a typical Amish community.
Pfft, hahaha... I only have a Facebook account to log into sites more easily. Aww...
9887485
Tartarus does NOT have Rumspringa.
9967661
So true!
Tirek really suits this delightfully outdated mindset. For some reason the idea of company phones hit me the hardest, but I was snorting laughing throughout!
Can't believe I hadn't read this already.
11716228
I had so much fun writing Tirek in this fic you have no idea.