You Did Not Just Throw Me and My Bathtub Out of the Window
“Dragons like to sprawl when they get their claws done,” Sludge droned in that gravelly voice of his, loudly cracking his freshly filed claws. He slid off the Cutie Map table, defiling it with the act, for a noticeable smear of what looked liked bacon grease was left there in his wake. Rarity felt bile rise in the back of her throat. How could this awful cretin be related to Spike? It was simply not possible. “Now, if you’ll all excuse me—it’s time for my bath.”
“I think it was time for your bath three days ago,” Rarity quipped, the stench of unwashed dragon causing her nose to shrivel up like a raisin under the sun. If Sludge or Spike had any sort of retort to her moment of weakness, Rarity couldn’t hear it over the sound of the enraged growl that suddenly shook the castle walls.
“BATH? OH, NO. BY THE FIRES OF TARTARUS—YOU AIN’T HAVING NO BATH!”
Starlight Glimmer stomped into the throne room like sompony had just thrown her favourite kite into a woodchipper. One might’ve said that she was upset, but judging by her furrowed brows, ears that could carve out a new artex pattern in the ceiling, and a complete lack of any pupils or irises, Rarity would guess that one would be woefully understating. Despite this, she couldn’t quite suppress the urge to make a point. “Are you sure, darling? I think we would all benefit if Sludge took a bath. Preferably in bleach, if he’s open to suggestion-”
“No! This. Ends. Now. Vͨͥ͡͏̭̖̠̀e̬̞̜̍̈̂̎ͬ̓̎̿r̝̭̄̽ͅi̵̢̲̻͈͙͚̘̤̞̳̍t̷͖͙͑ͫ̂̑ͦ͗ͨ͊̕a̸̡̖͇̣̣̣̥͉͐̏͛͛ͥ̎ͤ͟ͅt̫̰͓̥͈̥̝̑ͥ̒̎̐͠e̴̹̯̥͋̏ͩ͊͑ͣͮ͜m͊̌͂͌ͬ͏͖͇͕̼̠̞ ͊ͦ̚͞҉͙̗͙̗͓͕͠d̢̩̣͉̜̬̼̼̦̘̍̈́ͦͮͨ̈ͬ̓ȉ̴͎̹͙̫̦̹̟̐̄̏͊͘c̼̩̲̈̿̎̔́̚͠e̴̠̙̜̲͎͈̿ͤͭ͘r̴̷̞̦̬̼̍ͧͬ͡e̦͓͚̮̤̬̥͛ͦ̆̎̾!"
The light of a thousand suns suddenly shone from Starlight’s blank, godless eyes. The demonic undertone of her incantation penetrated the innermost reaches of Rarity’s soul in a split second, but it was not her who was the intended recipient. No. The Cutie Map table ignited, throwing scorching black flames high, all the way up to the roots of the long dead Golden Oaks embedded into the ceiling. Spike’s supposed ‘father’ rose up, grasped in the dark, arcane grip of the spell, eyes unblinking at things Rarity could not see, ears twitching at things she could not hear.
“Starlight! What are you doing to m-my d-dad!” Spike yelled, newly grown wings failing to get him off the ground. The poor drake watched as the flames engulfed the larger dragon.
“Ḥ͇̭̗̭͊̏ͩ́̅̚͡e̢̝̲̰̒̏͂̎ͮ ̰ͯ͟i̫ͨs͈̠̲̹͎ ̱̠̬͉̹͍̗ͩ͛͗̒̅n҉̜͓̩̣̤̙̦o̱̝͓̣t̛͖͍͉̦̬ ̌̓̊̆̎̐̚҉̹y̗̯̥͚͚̙̬̅̔͌o̩ͩ̃̔ͭ͛ͮ̉u͙̪̗̖̮̹̤̽ͭͭ̄́̒r̵̜͕ͬ̿̉ ͑̐͊ͧ̅fͣ̓̋̊ͨ̚͢a̧͇͉͕͖̘̝̥ͥ̑͛̉͂̇t̨͈̽̍͒̃͗̀̚h͈̺̞̯ͬ͆͊ͧ̉e̺͇̻͙̣̻͔̍̉͛͢r͏̺.̝͉̱̟͓̙̚ ͕̪̊ͧ͊ͬ̇͜Ĥ̜̝̓̎̏͘ẹ̟̙̦̩̥̣̋ͯ̔̓̐̕ ̡͊̐̄̔͒̏̽i̪̺̳̩̩͕͓̽ͦ̀̒̀s̷ͨ̒ͥ̑ ̙̼̭͙͉̫͚̍s̷̼ͥi̤̞̝̠̪͐r̊̓͏̩e͕̘̘ͪ͋̒̍ ̞̖̮̼̒͆͊ͧ͋̿̕t̬̤͚̺̼̲̳̃̅̒̂̈ͧ͑o͖̅ͩ͋ ̺̞̭̜ͭ́̅n͍͎̟̳̟̬ͣ͋ͦͭo͕͎̞̲ͥͥ̈͆̎ͤ͡ ̶͛ͨ̏͗̂o̘̖͈̺̤̭͂̅̔ͩ̉n͋̾ͨͫ͂̆͌ê̦͍̫̮̼̻̈́̄,” Starlight rasped, with the charming voice of an undead corpse.
Tears welled up in Spike’s eyes. Rarity was at his side in an instant, just as the black flames parted, revealing what appeared to be a magically generated hologram. The hologram depicted an empty cave, bereft of gems, bar a few tiny shards here and there. A pile of ashes lay in the centre, evidence of a fire that had long since burned out. And there sat Sludge the dragon, sulking right next to it. The sight gave Rarity chills from the tip of her horn to her hooves, seeing the ghostly visage hovering beneath the real-life Sludge, still hovering motionless beneath the tree roots.
“W-What is this?” Spike sobbed, holding onto Rarity’s fetlock and gazing up at the vision with wide eyes.
Darkness swirled, and the cave morphed into a distant image of Twilight’s Castle, in front of which Twilight could be seen attempting to teach Spike how to fly.
“Wait, that’s… that’s me!” Spike gasped, his brow furrowing.
The vision swirled in into inky blackness again, morphing into an image of Sludge reading a book… This time, it was Rarity’s turn to gasp. “That’s Twilight’s fillyhood diary! Where in Equestria did he get that?”
Starlight did not answer, and Sludge was still very much unconscious. The vision faded once more, this time being replaced with Sludge slumped upon a mountain of gems, cakes, pies, amongst all manner of other food and trinkets from the castle pantry and stores.
Spike simply stared, cruel comprehension dawning on his childlike features.
“I think we’ve seen enough,” Starlight said, thankfully, in her normal, demon-free voice.
The vision, the flames, the Cutie Map—all of it vanished as though it had never been, leaving the old roots of Golden Oaks completely intact and undamaged.
Sludge fell to the table with a dull thud, gasping in lungfuls of air as though he had just flown a Wonderbolts Derby. “What… What just happened?” he slurred, eyes still spinning in their sockets.
It took a few moments for Rarity to realise Spike was no longer clinging to her leg. The little dear stood before his unfamiliar brethren with a scowl that could cut granite. “You lied to me!”
Sludge blinked. “Oh… Figure that out, did ya’? Heh, you’re not as dumb as you look, after all.”
“Spike,” said a sickeningly sweet voice. Rarity had to do a double take upon realising it had come from Starlight. “Are you satisfied that this dragon is not your father?”
The young drake gave a steely nod. “Yeah.”
“Delightful.”
Instead of charging her horn for a spell, Starlight walked right up to the Sludge, span a one-eighty on her forehooves and fired an expertly aimed kick right at his family jewels.
She did not miss the mark.
“OOOOOOWWWWWWWW!” Sludge screamed, eyes rolling up into the back of his ugly head, claws curling in on themselves, tail whipping up between his legs and nearly slapping him in his stupid face.
“THAT WAS FOR THROWING ME OUT OF THE WINDOW!”
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOWWWWWW!”
“And this-” Starlight growled, her horn conjuring a recently ripped-out bathtub into existence “-is for taking advantage of my friend!”
WHACK.
Sludge was sent barreling across the room like a bowling ball, hitting the crystal wall with a loud, oily splat that was both repulsive and hilarious.
“Now, get out of my sight before I turn you into Equestria’s ugliest wall bust!”
Sludge didn’t need to be told twice. He flopped out of the open window like a limp pancake, falling a good seventy feet before managing to catch himself with his wings. Starlight turned to Spike, who was looking a little lost, despite the revelation.
“Spike, you don’t need some dragon to tell you how to be a good dragon. You’re already a good dragon. In fact, I’d say you’re the best kind of dragon,” she said, wrapping the small drake in a one forelegged hug.
“Yes, a dragon who practices good personal hygiene,” Rarity was quick to add.
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Nice use of Zalgo text there.
For those wondering about the Latin in the first bit of Zalgo text, "Veritatem dicere!" means "Tell the truth!" (approximately).
[John Cleese voice]I'm only a quarter blind when it comes to proofreading.[/John Cleese voice]
No time-travelling revenge? Awww
9231719
If I could pull off time travelling revenge in around 1k words, I'd probably be a lot more successful as a writer.
9231758
Well, sudden bathtub trick was plenty good too
Yeah, not your best work Sludge
Last line was the cherry on the cake
Starlight for dishonerable Thembrian.
Let the Bathtubs Ring.
This was hilarious.
Awesome!
What you did in two hours, took me far much longer and with editors. Nice read. Also, no time travel? That's so tame
I'll admit, I was thinking Starlight would be coming back later in the episode to smack Sludge around for throwing her and the bath outside.
Oh well, at least we have this fic to tell that tale for us.
Note to self: don't throw Starlight out of the castle.
One simply does not upset Glimmy.
And now Sludge will have to explain himself to Ember.
very of the gooding! hope it was well i like this story!
9232212 What the- when did you get here? Color me surprised
Yeah, you're not the only one who felt triggered.
I dislike injustice.
This would have made a fitting end to the episode.
9232410
What can I say? I'm full of surprises.
Eh, it be better if Spike is the one kicked.... again- his mistake... didnt even bother to watch the episode. Not worth it
Probably the one time I enjoyed Starlight as written in the show.
On the bright side, Starlight looked adorable in her cute little shower cap
But, I digress. I'm surprised Rarity didn't give Sludge a pounding after what he's done to Spikey-Wikey. But then again, she wasn't the one who was thrown out of the window while bathing. Very rude 
As Will Guide, a half-Changeling/ half-Unicorn friend to Spike in my head fanon, I actually imagined myself giving Sludge quite a fright and/or beating, even taking back the pillow he took at the end. This is even better including Starlight in on the beating!
Wouldn't you agree?
What a remarkable coinky-dink. I was literally contemplating writing a similar story not twelve hours ago. I still might.
Regularly scheduled reminder to self: NEVER PISS OFF STARLIGHT.
brave man, just bravo!
ATENTION EVERYPONY! STARLIGHT IS BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF THAT DRAGON
(My money on Starlight)
"Instead of charging her horn for a spell, Starlight walked right up to the Sludge, span a one-eighty on her forehooves and fired an expertly aimed kick right at his family jewels."
ooooh right in the mommy daddy button!!
Also, that fat bastard deserved it soooo much
Holy crap.
Note to self: Do not EVER, EVER, EVER throw Starlight out of the bathroom window!!! EVER!!!
SHE. WILL. END. YOU.
Good lord....
In a side note, that stupid Sludge got what he deserved!
Well, that got dark. Hmm, just based on the cover art, I expected Starlight to be angrier. I also expected her to turn Sludge into a handbag.
Starlight fixes and kicks everything. :3 We are pleased.
I want to ... but I can't read it. The custom text is unreadable, and it ruins the immersion for me.
Not giving it a downvote, since it's not a horrible story ... but that text murders the fic for me. Which is sad, since I looked forward to reading it.
What have we learned? Don't mess with Starlight.
Great story that episode trigerd me with starlight being thrown out in a bath tub of course school raze did the same (I keep going on about that episode it's just I think the reason why is it just felt vary embarrassing for makeing starlight a damsiel in distress I just felt she deserved justice on that at least she got a chance to shine in the ending of the end that made up for that).
That should've bumped this story up to a "T" rating, but overall a great story.
Aww, Starlight defending her’s and Spike’s honor is so sweet, even if she did brutally attack Sludge, but given everything he did, I wouldn’t blame her.