Convicted Bibliophile (Buy me a coffee, will 'ya? https://ko-fi.com/flint_lock)
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Starlight Glimmer, along with her best friend Twilight Sparkle, travels to the ash-smothered wasteland she inadvertently created. Her task: to make amends for the murder of an entire world.
Special thanks to Georg and BronyWriter for proofreading and editing!
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Sadly, Twilight and Starlight don't understand that that alternate universe has always existed. Even before Starlight time traveled. Starlight never created it because it was already there. So there is nothing to feel guilty about.
8689258
I don't think you really understand the mechanics of time travel and how it all happened in the show. That's beside the point Flint-Lock is trying to make, as well.
The problem is: it exists. It exists as a product of Rainbow not completing her sonic rainboom, thus, Starlight is the reason it exists. And here, we're assuming that it is actually a parallel timelne, not an alternate timeline, because when Twilight travels back to the future with Starlight, the wasteland is what we see.
The story isn't about multiversal mechanics though. It's about the notion of righting what has or had been done, and for Starlight, this world is as real as her own. We can't truly understand the feeling because we ourselves can't access such apocalyptic circumstances, but we can infer the feeling of intense responsibility.
We can see for ourselves the struggle Starlight is going through. The way she wants to fix the world she had so devastatingly affected, regardless of whether or not there are even more she probably needs to fix. For many of us, if we only have the ability to save one, then we would do it, and we see Starlight do it here.
Another beautiful story, Flint-Lock. Fantastic prose. Really shows how much you wanted this to be top-quality fiction with the extra help in editing. Good on ya mate. Keep it up!
Onwards and upwards!
8689299
Thank you!
Wonderful.
8698743
Thanks! What did you like about it?
8699259
I like the imagery. I love how Starlight is forced to confront her mistakes and has Twilight help her through it. The well was an interesting bit of worldbuilding.
8699886
By the way, here's the music video that inspired this fic
Note: This review is brought to you by the A for Effort group. It is addressed to the author as feedback, but may also be read by outside readers. Spoilers are marked.
I actually read this fic many months ago, but decided to read it again after finally sitting down to type this review. I came out of my first reading confused and disappointed, but after the second reading, something…clicked.
And I’m not complaining, really. In retrospect, I’m glad I took some time to sleep on this story. Far from rotting in my mind, it has aged like fine wine.
Subjective
Characters
There are only two named characters in this fic, but Flint-Lock makes them count. Dare I say the Character category is easily the highest of the sub-scores in this review. And why wouldn’t it be? This story is a character study after all.
Starlight Glimmer’s guilt and desire to make restitution is given a greater spotlight in this fic than it was in canon. And it’s not only reflected in her dialogue, body language, and inner monologue, but also, surprisingly, in the world around her and in the Cores. Indeed, this is one of the story’s greatest strengths: conveying character development not just through the character herself, but also through other story elements outside the character—specifically, the Cores and the spirit-dimension world.
As one commenter pointed out, though Starlight’s external conflict is rather far-fetched, it is a fitting reflection of her internal conflict. We’ve all felt intense guilt towards a past misdeed, and an equally intense desire to make amends, even if the process of making those amends wouldn’t actually result in any meaningful change. Assuming the spirit dimension seen in the fic is just a manifestation of Starlight’s emotional state, revitalizing the dimension wouldn’t have made any difference back in physical reality. Still, the reader roots for Starlight despite her “inconsequential” goal because Flint has expertly connected Starlight’s goal with her internal conflict. Starlight doesn’t have to bring the desolate spirit dimension back to life, but if it makes her happier and helps her grow as a person, then the reader will happily accompany Starlight in that journey.
Speaking of companions, Twilight Sparkle’s role in the story is nothing to be dismissed either, even if her role is understandably smaller than Starlight’s. She’s not just a sounding board or mentor figure for Starlight here. I enjoy character dynamics based on mutual support. Character A helping Character B? Good. Character A and Character B helping each other in their own unique ways, even though Character A is clearly the greater expert? Even better. The point I’m trying to get that is that even in this story, Twilight’s role as the Princess of Friendship shines. She’s a friend to Starlight first and foremost, not a mentor or a magic psychotherapist. “We did this,” indeed.
Impression: 9.33/10
Plot and Concept
The basic premise of this story is Starlight Glimmer aiming to bring life to the wasteland seen in “The Cutie Re-Mark,” atoning for her metaphysical crimes. The story doesn’t clarify whether this wasteland is merely a magic representation of Starlight’s guilt, or an alternate dimension that somehow escaped getting invalidated after the timeline was fixed at the end of the episode. Either way, it doesn’t really matter, as the point of the story is to act as a character study for Starlight, with Twilight by her side.
The story takes some time to establish the setting and the characters. Of note are the “Cores.” The Cores concept is easily one of the most interesting aspects of the plot/world-building I’ve read in a while. My initial perception of cores—visual representations of emotion in a spirit dimension—already makes me quite curious. And this is coming from someone who doesn’t typically enjoy “pretentious” world-building like this. But in actuality, the Cores seemed to function differently—not mere reflections, but actual manifestations of the world that can be interacted with, be imbued with magic, and be used to repel the “vengeful ghosts” of the wasteland’s previous inhabitants. That was quite an impressive feat of world-building there.
I myself don’t have much to comment on the plot. This is a more character than plot-driven story, and the plot does complement the characters excellently enough. I guess one issue I have in mind is that I think the Well should have been established earlier in the story—a goal for the characters and the reader to look forward to instead of a seemingly random thing name-dropped at the end, almost like an afterthought.
Non-salient features
Impression: 8.9/10
Objective
Prose and Writing Style
I debated on using the Setting category for this review. “Trial by Ash’s” setting and the way it’s described are integral to its plot. However, I don’t think the story emphasizes its world-building and setting enough to make the Setting category feasible.
That’s not to say “Trial by Ash” isn’t competent in describing its setting. On the other hand, it’s excellent…barring a few hiccups. One of the places this is exemplified is the opening paragraphs.
The story’s opening line not only introduces the lead, but it also points to her perspective and connection with the setting. Flint contrasts the what-should-be with the what-is, not through telling us, but through showing us specific details and allowing us to paint the picture in our heads.
That said…take note of the underlined part. It’s the one “telly” bit here, and it’s not completely necessary to set the stage. Replacing it with a simple “Now? There was a plain of wind-scoured rock…” can work better: it lets the rest of the paragraph demonstrate how the landscape is nightmare fodder rather than directly telling us.
Another thing demonstrated in the opening paragraphs is the author’s masterful usage of figurative language.
Take a look at the second underlined phrase. “Purple” is not the sort of word I would normally associate with guilt, but considering that it’s just a few hues away from blue, aka the “sad” color, it is strangely appropriate in a non-cliched sort of way. It helps that, if what I presume about Cores and emotional states is correct, there’s an extra layer of depth here. There literally could be visible purple stuff representing Starlight’s guilt coming out of her body. Connecting the metaphorical with the physical is an excellent way to enhance prose alongside plot, and I’m thrilled to say this part isn’t the only one where Flint does it right.
Let’s move the first underlined phrase, though. I’m not sure if this is true within the wider context of creative writing, but one thing I’ve read from a local English professor’s book years ago is that similes are slightly “weaker” than metaphors. In this instance, saying “the city was mourning its dead” gives your language a bit more oomph by directly personifying the ruins. Contrast this with the simile—“it was like the city was mourning its dead.” It’s just a comparison; it doesn’t have the same direct power and poeticness as the metaphor.
Finally, I’m very sensitive towards redundancy in stories. It’s perhaps the most common complaint I levy in my reviews. So it’s surprisingly refreshing that, after I read this fic, I could count the number of redundancies in this fic with both hands…or heck, one hand even. Even as I type this, only one redundancy comes to mind…
You don’t need the “melancholy” bit. Twilight’s dialogue already demonstrates melancholy. (Not to mention that dark blue is already the color commonly associated with melancholy.)
Non-salient features
The “began to” can weaken your prose somewhat. You can remove it and just say “Red sparks flew from…”
This info-dump is quite small, which is better than I can say for info-dumps I’ve read in some of the other stories in this site. However, because Starlight is accompanied by a second character, you can use that second character as a bouncing board for expository dialogue. For example: “This is the wasteland we went to during our fight, right?”
Initial impression: 8.25/10
Grammar
I found about 14 grammar errors in the whole 3095-word story. This yields a Grammar rating of 8.191. This is quite a small number of errors and readers will have to look very hard in order to find them. My grammar error list is rather small for this fic (thank Celestia!), but I still want to keep this section of the review compact. So I’ll just list the more serious and common issues. If you want to know the rest, just PM me or reply to my review.
I think there was supposed to be something got deleted while this last sentence was being typed? Or is it an interruption (in which case, it needs a dash)?
Also, remove the period before “too much” or just convert it to a new sentence.
Impression: 8.191/10
Assessment
Subjective
Objective
Plan
I hope you found this useful, and keep on writing! If you have any questions, feel free to ask.