im not very likable but i hope my stories are lol
Starlight Glimmer has just reformed and is now Princess Twilight Sparkle's pupil. Starlight knows about and tries to hide her past, and her feelings, but when she puts them off for too long, she seems to hurt herself in a way that nopony is comfortable with.
*Be sure to check out my new sequel to this story: Second Thoughts
Thanks, everyone!
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There, there, Starlight.
We know that what you did in the past was wrong, but we're here for you now, and we all care about you.
In fact, how about a little music to help brighten her mood?
I don't think Starlight wants a nursery rhyme, but thanks for trying to cheer her up
11367209
Be thankful it was not Cocomelon
Another Starlight story that focuses on her life after The Cutie Re-Mark and dealing with her dark past? Yes, my favorite kind of Starlight stories. Keep up the great work! Can't wait until next chapter!🍿
11367243
Yeah, true. Badanamu is better than Cocomelon
Also, thanks for the motivation! I love those kinds of Starlight stories too!
Very good. You capture Starlight's social anxiety and voice very well. The dialogue is kinda of simple, but that's a minor nit pick.
I mean they're not wrong. A bit too obvious perhaps, but not wrong.
11367254
Wow, thanks! I really appreciate your feedback!
11367209
Of course, and she needs use all the love she deserves. Also, while it's one thing to use the music I linked as a joke like some people do, I had the idea of including it when I saw a short clip of Starlight on tiktok that had this song.
And somehow or another, I found it to be very fitting for a lovely mare like her.
11367327
That's true
Where’s the song?
Good for Bon Bon, she really shows her hopeful and kind nature here(even if we don’t know her well).
As for Lyra, I won’t deny that she has a right to be wary but I still feel so bad for Starlight. Hopefully things will begin to work for the better.
Oh btw, are the Starlight episodes gonna stay canon as we go on(I recommend keeping them all intact except for Every Little Thing She Does because barf).
Oh, sorry, I thought I linked the song. Thanks for notifying me, I'll do it now. Yeah, I don't want to make Lyra too mean, but I do think she's a bit tougher than Bon Bon. Also I ran out of background ponies.
Just hover over "this song" and the link is there
Lyra, its rude to gossip about other ponies when they are in potential earshot >:(
(Why did I not get a notification for this new chapter bruh)
11367988
Yeah, they thought Starlight was buying stuff and couldn't hear them. Also, they only give you notifications when there is something completely new, like a new post or a new story. I wish they would notify me about new chapters, too. But I think it's worth the effort of checking the stories because the chapter that comes out is always so great!
Every chapter is better than the last. And it gets more and more interesting!
Oh, Starlight...
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11368768
Thanks! I've reached the climax so far, so there may be about 2 or three more chapters, probably not as intense as this one, though.
And yeah, I feel bad for her, too. The next chapter probably won't be as sad. Thanks for the feedback! Working on making it is so fun, and reading what you think of it makes it even more fun!
11368861
Indeed. Can’t wait!
Wait does she think she's an ant or something?
Exciting chapter!
11372956
Yeah, trying to make it the most dramatic chapter. Also, Pinkie Pie is always crazy enough to check under stones for missing ponies. I added "boulders" just to be clearer, as well.
Thanks for the comment!
11373045
No problem! Pinkie can be crazy at times where she defies logic and physics
Its ok, I suck at rhyming too.
Forgot to say, great story! Had me at the edge of my seat!
11390379
If you'll appreciate some advice, I'm happy to oblige.
The first (and admittedly most tedious) thing to work on as a writer is to describe things more. Describe the scenery, describe the feelings and thoughts of the characters in question, maybe even go on a tangent about a loosely related topic. The vast majority of this fic is just dialogue or telling direct actions. There's no time for the reader to get invested into the fic because everything is told at such a fast pace. Heck, I got lost a couple times and had to re-read some paragraphs.
Secondly, the dialogue seems rather forced, and the characters don't have much characterization. If you removed everything except the dialogue itself, would you be able to tell who's talking? I couldn't. The mane 6 have vastly different personalities, they should be easily recognisable.
Lastly, this is more specific to this fic in question: the story as a whole is kinda overdone. Starlight struggling during her first few days as a student is one of the most common premises of her fics. A character overhearing/eavesdropping an important conversation is also very overdone, kind of an uncreative way to force the plot to continue. And yes, I know Luna is cool and all, but using her to solve Starlight's (or anybody's) stress issues is once again a common scapegoat.
Eavesdropping or Luna's intervention by themselves are good tools to enhance the fic, but they can't be the main source of progression. They are the only thing respectively causing and soothing Starlight's breakdown, which results in the fic as a whole not having a single unique idea.
This whole comment seems very harsh, but I want to add that this is far from the worst fic I've seen, despite it all. Keep writing and keep reading and you'll certainly improve.
11391046
Thank you for all the advice! This will surely help me in future stories! Just keep in mind, again, I won't take it as a negative comment, but instead constructive criticism.