ME ME BIG BOY
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Dat title.
good or bad or maybe just cringe?
8542510
Unless you’re writing a joke fix, change it. Emlements is a misspelling of Elements, and considering it’s the first words we see,in the title of all things, you don’t want that.
8542510
Bad, I mean emlements ELEMENTS
Twilight Sparklem gasped. “You think you can destroy The Emlements of Harmony just like that? Well, you're wrong, because the spirits of The Emlements of Harmony are right here.”
Nightmarem Moon was taken aback. “What?”
Twilight Sparklem looked confidently towards her new companions:
“Applemjack, who reassured me when I was in doubt, represents the spirit of... honemsty!
“Fluttemshy, who tamed the manticore with her compassion, represents the spirit of... kindnems!
“Pinkiem Piem, who banished fear by giggling in the face of danger, represents the spirit of... laughtem!
“Remity, who calmed a sorrowful serpent with a meaningful gift represents the spirit of... gemerosity!
“And Rembow Dash, who could not abandon her friends for her own heart's desire represents the spirit of... loyaltem! The spirits of these five ponies got us through every challenge you threw at us.”
Nightmarem Moon cackled. “You still don't have the sixth Element! The spark didn't work!”
“But it did!” Twemlight countered. “A different kind of spark.” She turned to the ponies beside her. “I felt it the very moment I realized how happy I was to hear you, to see you, how much I cared about you. The spark ignited inside me when I realized that you all... are my friemds!
“You see, Nightmare Moon, when those Emlements are ignited by the... the spark, that resides in the heart of us all, it creates the sixth element: the emlement of... emagic!”
8542540
8542539
title fixed whoops my bad peeps i am pretty bad when it comes to spelling, structuring and pacing thank you for the feed back i need it badly.
that's what you get when you get a D+ in senior english, and it's my first language. UUUGH the teacher was a total ball buster.
love you all thank you for the criticism.
V.S.
Seriously, get an editor. The grammar and punctuation mistakes are too numerous to list without turning this comment into one giant wall of text.
8542566
I know i need one BAD but i am new to this site and do not know where to get an editor if you have any suggestions i would be thankful for it
I’m pretty sure there is a group on this site where you can look for editors, but I’m not sure what it is called. I would also be willing to help if you want. The best way I found for me is to share the chapter with me via google drive. I’ll let you know of the specifics later tonight. Right now I have to get to my Football practice.
8542599
okay sounds awesome thank you for your consternation to help me edit I will take you up on that offer and i hope we can work well together.
by the way good luck on your Football practice.
thank you
V.S.
8542599
I went to this group once or twice to see what it was more specifically, and those guys are a bunch of stuck up assholes.
8542694
are all the editors like this? because if so that sucks for the little guy trying to get his/her story out there. i am struggling i will admit that much. when i first wrote this it sounded way better in my head but, i am thankful for any criticism i can get.
i aim to get 'gud' as it were.
V.S.
8542706
What I would do is simple post a blog here about help finding an editor you will have more chance of finding one like that
8542718
okay like i said earlier i am new to this site. are the editors able to be patient with me if i don't do 'x' or 'y' correctly or on time or just so. i just dont want a ball buster ya know.
Interesting beginning, and the only big problem I see so far is the spelling and grammar.
deleted my own comment because i spazed at my own post hehe whoops.
8542730
Nope the editor guild (if I remember this is what's it called) the moment you make a mistake they boot you out of the group.
So like I just said earlier just ask for an editor someone WILL answer the call if you broadcast far enough.
8542808
well that sucks i mean wth " oh i need an editor because my grammar is atrocious i should really look into getting one."
plot twist the person that you rely on is an asshat wtf
top ten anime betrayals meme!
thanks for the suggestion my dude. got a blog up and will do some searching hopefully i will be successful and get an editor and he/she will be tolerant of my mistakes.
thank very much
V.S.
8542850
I just sent you a PM explaining sharing via Google Drive so that I can edit for you.
8543084
okay thank you i take a look at it
Uuu a Fic about Boruto's dad, Nice. Seriously, people should give that guy his own anime. Some sort of prequel to Boruto.
I am very disappointed in all of you people. 22 comments and none talk about the easiest joke. What the world has come to. XP
Oh and yea the story is good, the only problem is the grammar an punctuation. Keep working on it.
8544849
yeah whatever would Bourto's dads anime be called DURR HA good joke. i wish they let the manga and anime just die with a little dignity.
BUT NOOOO they had to milk it now we have Boruto the next generations.
i only watch that show if the old chataters are in the episode btw
thank you i worked my ass off but i still struggle on good grammar.
thank you
V.S.
8544864
So true. I don't like it either. I only watch some clips I find randomly in my suggestions on YouTube. But I love the Borutos Dad meme It is hilarious.
i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/mobile/000/023/807/borutos-dad-1017051.jpg
pics.me.me/you-must-be-borutos-dads-sons-grandad-i-love-this-27532959.png
8544875
haha never seen those memes love them
i loved when hinata and himawari went Kushina 2.0 on naruto.
I'd favorite this, but the spelling and grammar are so horrendous that I can barely stand it, and sometimes barely UNDERstand it
8544900
yeah i know i understand btw and i am trying my hardest.
without an editot i am making the best of what i got though i got a lot of thing planned for this fic and thank you for pointing out the bad grammer
trying my hardest, thank you
V.S.
I thought Naruto survived the events of Naruto.
8545018
he did and is the hokage currently.
this is just a waht if fic cause ya know spoilers the opening to boruto we see the most broken person ever Kawaki. wich i hate btw at the moment.
okay i got an editor everyone hopefully we can work well together ,
it's this magnificent dude right here.
---------------------------------------------------------
XIII Hearts
go and check him out and give him all the love
thank you very much
V.S.
8544918
Please keep up the good story man u have my support all the way
8546034
thank you got alot of things planed for this fic just got to type em
my story is edited by
XIII Hearts
without that beautiful human being this wouldn't be possible
thank you for the complement
V.S.
chapter 3 is up in all of it's unedited glory for you read
tried really hard to be better with the grammar this time and most likely failed
thank you
V.S.
8548981
thank you i just wanted to get flash sentry out of the picture i hate him
thanks for the complement
V.S.
not bad.
8549017
i am trying as hard a i can aslo thankyou for the compliment.
8549023
much better on fleshing it out.
8549087
yeah i knew it needed badly and naruto is not outright hostile to the poneys i don't think he has ever been to anyone
Example the talk no jutsu
the the most op technique in any anime Iv'e ever watched
I like the story so far, but some characters, especially Celestia/Naruto seem out of character.
8551310
i like to write naruto as a prankster and asshat first and a litle bit of a cynic but i would like you to think how celestia ruled for 2000 years with out going alittle bit control freak sometimes and tyrant. naruto doesn't like that kind of thing examples are numerous through filler and the cannon he does not like tyrants, control freaks, or abusers of power example the villain Gatō the list just goes on from there. but i don't think he would be out right hostile to the poneys as he's had a long time to understand the situation the world is in yea he's out of character and she's out of chater. she just panicked. as to why he was being nice to derpy hooves my head cannon is she knows what it's like to be different so she didn't judge him on appearances alone. if you don't think the ponies don't judge and panic at something that is different just look at the zecora incident for just one example out of many there is probably more but thats my story and i'm sticking to it
thank you for taking you time to read and stay tuned for more working on chapter 4 now.
with thanks
V.S.
effen wall of text man like wtf
No offense but certain characters mainly Naruto are so out of character it's kinda making it hard to read this
Pulling out that smoke pipe also just feels like it was forced in to make Naruto look cooler or something....which it isn't it just makes him look like an idiot
Especially since he just suddenly started smoking in front of people he knows are important in the current land and time his in
His disrespectful not arrogant and he is most certainly not this disrespectful especially in his older years and the whole you earn his respect thing only applies to people he can already guess as either arrogant or smug and haughty
Non of which can be applied to most of the characters in MLP
Minus Trixie....I can't tell wether she has genuine arrogance or just false one like kid Naruto
If it were kid Naruto then the approach your taking would make sense
Problem is this is grown man Naruto not kid one so his entire personality right now just feels forced for the sake of plot really
Him suddenly turning into a cynic is also extremely out of place
His already experienced suffering and he knows that for how much you suffer there will always be a better future
His optimistic by a fault and his optimism is also deeply rooted to his character
Why would he even be so devastated by the end result of the war for him?
He already knows theirs a chance of him either dying in battle someday and since Otsutsuki's are involved its even more likely for him to expect the worse like what happened to him afterwards
With what he was thinking it was almost like he was just rallying the troops to die for him which is hilarious out of character as he is more likely to force everyone to stay back and to let him handle the situation
Naruto also doesn't judge people by either their looks or first impression he judges them based on their actions
He already has a negative opinion of some of the characters with this which is again really really not Naruto thing to do and also because they were somewhat cautious to him while he himself knows WHY they were cautious in the first
Which is mainly him blasting them with killing intent and anger while also smothering them with his power
Heck Celestias also somewhat justified to be angry
Her sister just told her that the current unknown that may also possibly a threat essentially kidnapped her mind and then proceeded to dig around in her sisters mind and memories without her permission
I would be livid if something like that happened to one of my siblings
Naruto digging around in other piers heads is also really really our of character for him to do
Considering he himself kept secrets as a kid and even as an adult and was also pretty respectful of other people privacy this is just really really weird and disturbing for him to do
And
Um Celestias not a control freak if anything she's shown to be pretty loose and very tolerable in how she rules her subjects
Here's an example of what type of ruler Naruto would either disagree with or outright hate
One ruler is strict and very controlling but genuinely wants what's best for the I people
Another ruler is outright taking away their subjects free will because they can and their in charge so what they say goes
The first one would earn Naruto attention and he will mainly help them loosen up and become less strict and controlling
The second one would earn nothing but his hate
Here's the thing Celestias non of these but the most she would earn from Naruto is his ire because again she's to lax as a leader he would find the lack of actual punishment to someone who is a criminal to be annoying
Seriously Trixie almost got everyone in Ponyvile killed and a she got was being run put of town
Granted she gets better and eventually starts being an actual somewhat nice person later on but the point still stands that Celestia is to easy on her subjects
Sorry for going on a rant like this but I just had to get these out of my mind
The stories concept is really interesting
But these things I just pointed out are just what's really killing it for me
Also based on your responses to reviews your beta is doing you wonders
So good job to him/her!
8552744
nah it's cool i understand he is a dick to start out with but he will warm up to them. you know show me some love and i'll show you some that whole thing. the thing about it it's my headcanon and i understand about the whole smoking thing makes him look stupid but he was really not trying to look cool he was mocking them for being hostile and he was mocking celestia by doing so. i admit when read it a second time it does look stupid sounded cooler in my mind and might be subject to change in the future also when he and luna agreed the no violence and celista just over rides her sisters wishes he lost all respect he could have for them before he even had a chance to so . i tend to make my naruto a cynic asshat some times that is just my take on the whole thing being sealed away, now in the far future he is more cynical and more belligerent think about it everything is gone that you ever knew. his wife is dead his daughter and son is dead evey one he ever knew is dead.
naruto in this before the whole sealing away was basically like a leader of the world at that point humanity was on it's last legs and desperate for a leader so they picked naruto. in my headcanon in reality i know that they would rally around their own kage but thats just my take.
he fought the last war with all the ninjas for my little insane time line and is a little of a jerk but they had agreed to start over and knowing naruto his not going back on his word is his way. he will be a whole lot nicer in future instalments in this story but i think he let his anger slip as well the whole him vs them is over and it is time to start a new. trying to add a little bit of action so the story isn't all talking.
please stay tuned and thank you for your criticism
V.S.
8552744
also i know she is a pretty chill ruler just trying to ad a little bit of a clash of heads you know everyone losing their cool. but like i said that is all done with and it's time to start again this time he will try to be more respectful and all that jazz to celestia. next chapter he will be the dumb fun happy blonde we all know and love.
THREE WALLS OF TEXT
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/403/752/9db.gif
JESUS
good job.
thank you evey body naruto isn't a edgelord any more just so ya know hes back to happy go lucky blonde naruto.
That was an awesome chapter my friend and Blueblood getting what he deserves for being a jerk to everyone/everypony, and that last line...."you through off my Grove" is really funny straight out of the Emperor's New Grove movie awesome keep it up and let me know when u upload more chapters