• Member Since 26th Dec, 2017
  • offline last seen 14 hours ago

TheDragonSage


E
Source

Naruto and his best friend and rival Sasuke have failed the elemental nations,everyone is dead except them and the tailed beasts, they started creating races, animals, new source of power, magic, which is essentially powered by emotions, they were made into history, which made into stories, which made into legends, which made into myths. They took any chakra consuming and scrolls mentioning and hid them in places very hard to find.

Chapters (6)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 75 )

I’m open to ideas, at which point should I start, from the pony tribes or all the way to the nightmare moon getting banished, or even when twilight reads the book about the elements of harmony.

Also planning on making this weekly as long as I can

lol it says natural instead of naruto in the summary

8634504 I know, T_T it’s god dam annoying

8634517
There that should do it

Pretty sure you put the wrong link for the cover image source. I'm curious where you found the image.

8634763
Now it's just a google image search result, but gave me enough info to find it.

Congratulations on publishing your first story!! That is always the hardest part for folks: summoning up the courage to share something they've written.

There is a general rule of thumb that I recommend for anyone writing a crossover: assume your audience hasn't seen the non-MLP work. On a My Little Pony fansite, most—if not all—MLP canon can be assumed to be known by the reader. For example, you don't have to explain certain things like alicorns or changelings because the majority of your readers will already know these things. As someone who has never seen Naruto, I was wholly and thoroughly confused by everything referencing "tailed beasts".

Of course, this can be wholly ignored if you are intending only for, in this case, Naruto fans to enjoy what you've written. If so, then I recommend including in the description that you are relying on the lore of Naruto and that readers are recommended to be familiar with that franchise before reading your story.

It's a very interesting concept to frame a crossover as an origin for the My Little Pony universe we know and love, but this felt more like reading quickly scrawled notes on the back of a napkin than the prologue of a story. The paragraphs are long, long, long run-on sentences and rush through what's going on instead of immersing readers into the setting.

You have some fun ideas, and I would love to see the time taken to flesh them out. Here are some recommendations I would give—feel free to ignore it all at your leisure!

1. Let us see Naruto and Sasuke. As is, this prologue has us fairly removed from them as characters. They're instead more like those cute little puppets on popsicle sticks that we're watching from the back of the crowd. Try starting off with them looking at the world, both tired and worn from their hard-earned victory and reeling from the consequences. How do they come to the conclusion that this is an opportunity to create a new world? Why do they choose the races of MLP, besides "these are the races in the show"? The draconequus being related to "Naruto's pranking personality and humor" is a great example of giving the races meaning in your universe.

2. Your paragraphs are, for the most part, just really long sentences. Try reading them aloud. Break them into multiple sentences by finding the natural pauses, cadence, flow, etc. Aim to contain individual thoughts to separate sentences. Think of how you speak, of how you'd read it to another person. Allow yourself room to breath. Experiment with different sentence structures so things don't sound repetitive. For example:

Naruto and Sasuke looked at what was left of the world. There wasn't much to see. Everything was dead. They felt despair over the loss of their teammates.

vs.

Emerging from the battlefield, Naruto realized that their victory had come at a cost—the world. There was nothing left except empty skies, suffocating ash, and the sickly smell of death. He looked at Sasuke and saw the despair he felt reflected in his friend's face, and he knew what they both were thinking: what point was there in winning when everything was lost?

3. Beware too much information too quickly. Readers get exhausted by exposition and information overload. Is it necessary to go into detail of where each individual "tailed beast" is located? Will this be relevant to the later story? If so, then I recommend weaving these locations into the story as you go along rather than upfront and all at once. If you're going to have an adventure of, say, Twilight Sparkle going to find each tailed beast, then consider having her learn the location naturally as she researches each one.

I think with some polish and restructuring, this could be a very interesting tale for Naruto fans to enjoy. Good luck!!

Congratulations on publishing your first story!! That is always the hardest part for folks: summoning up the courage to share something they've written.

There is a general rule of thumb that I recommend for anyone writing a crossover: assume your audience hasn't seen the non-MLP work. On a My Little Pony fansite, most—if not all—MLP canon can be assumed to be known by the reader. For example, you don't have to explain certain things like alicorns or changelings because the majority of your readers will already know these things. As someone who has never seen Naruto, I was wholly and thoroughly confused by everything referencing "tailed beasts".

Of course, this can be wholly ignored if you are intending only for, in this case, Naruto fans to enjoy what you've written. If so, then I recommend including in the description that you are relying on the lore of Naruto and that readers are recommended to be familiar with that franchise before reading your story.

It's a very interesting concept to frame a crossover as an origin for the My Little Pony universe we know and love, but this felt more like reading quickly scrawled notes on the back of a napkin than the prologue of a story. The paragraphs are long, long, long run-on sentences and rush through what's going on instead of immersing readers into the setting.

You have some fun ideas, and I would love to see the time taken to flesh them out. Here are some recommendations I would give—feel free to ignore it all at your leisure!

1. Let us see Naruto and Sasuke. As is, this prologue has us fairly removed from them as characters. They're instead more like those cute little puppets on popsicle sticks that we're watching from the back of the crowd. Try starting off with them looking at the world, both tired and worn from their hard-earned victory and reeling from the consequences. How do they come to the conclusion that this is an opportunity to create a new world? Why do they choose the races of MLP, besides "these are the races in the show"? The draconequus being related to "Naruto's pranking personality and humor" is a great example of giving the races meaning in your universe.

2. Your paragraphs are, for the most part, just really long sentences. Try reading them aloud. Break them into multiple sentences by finding the natural pauses, cadence, flow, etc. Aim to contain individual thoughts to separate sentences. Think of how you speak, of how you'd read it to another person. Allow yourself room to breath. Experiment with different sentence structures so things don't sound repetitive. For example:

Naruto and Sasuke looked at what was left of the world. There wasn't much to see. Everything was dead. They felt despair over the loss of their teammates.

vs.

Emerging from the battlefield, Naruto realized that their victory had come at a cost—the world. There was nothing left except empty skies, suffocating ash, and the sickly smell of death. He looked at Sasuke and saw the despair he felt reflected in his friend's face, and he knew what they both were thinking: what point was there in winning when everything was lost?

3. Beware too much information too quickly. Readers get exhausted by exposition and information overload. Is it necessary to go into detail of where each individual "tailed beast" is located? Will this be relevant to the later story? If so, then I recommend weaving these locations into the story as you go along rather than upfront and all at once. If you're going to have an adventure of, say, Twilight Sparkle going to find each tailed beast, then consider having her learn the location naturally as she researches each one.

I think with some polish and restructuring, this could be a very interesting tale for Naruto fans to enjoy. Good luck!!

8634858
Thank you crystal wishes, you gave me a lot of advice “, like I forgot to add details, I only added a real reason to create the races to one group, and it has a lot of run-ons, I will be sure to use these advices

8634865
???? Are you the same person as crystal wishes?

8634892
This is my alt. I switched accounts and somehow the comment got posted twice? Not sure how to be honest. Think it was a bug on here.

i wana read this but im not a huge naruto fan

The title is spelled wrong.

i think starting at nightmare moon would be a good starting point.

8635173
when she was banished or when she returned from the moon?

8635015
heh, your choice if you don't want to read or not, Viper Pit

8635173
uhh, Sonic Rainboom Dash, im gonna need more info, you basically told me to either do, luna becoming nightmare moon beginning to nightmare moon has turned into luna

8635501
got it, ill see what i can do.

8634400
i vote
twilight reads the book about the elements of harmony.

alright, in the chat basically vote to either

A)start where luna became nightmare moon - idea by Sonic Rainboom Dash
or
B)sorta like the very first episode - idea by berryy2

i already have a vote in each

I feel like you should make sure to work on the story summary.

There's work to be done with it, that can make it so more people will want to read the story. There's one big run on sentence in the summary and the grammar could use some work too.

Apply the same thing that Crystal Wishes said to your summary as well because the summary is typically indicative fo what one will find in the story itself.

dont skip and nice work

Nakashi commented on this story

That is all the motivation I need to read this now lol

8643539
Where are the updates!

Seriously though have you lost interest?

nice work. I think you should continue this

nice work and during the galla.

Yin during the gala yang during discord appearance is my vote

Who's the mare in the picture?

Good story so far, keep up the good work!:scootangel:

8690683
A random pic I found in the internet, starlight nova

And thank you, VRapter121 and zachary12

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!