• Published 2nd May 2017
  • 2,884 Views, 35 Comments

Bearing the Weight - JackRipper



Sweetie Belle wants to be just like her sister, as beautiful as she is, but she doesn't know how much danger she's in.

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There's more to beauty than how you look.

Author's Note:

This is a re-write of the story Refusing to Eat, by Evictus.

I'm writing this as a gift to him, in the hope that he can see what his stories could look like with a bit more dedication. I'm not the best writer on this site, but I still feel like he could be a great author with the drive he has if he just applied himself. Feel free to leave comments below, I always welcome the critism. :twilightsmile:

"What? Why are you two looking at me like that?" I sputtered, quickly becoming annoyed at the look Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were giving me.

Apple Bloom's mouth parted slightly before closing again, almost as if she was being cautious with her word-choice. She looked to Scootaloo for assistance, who only shrugged as she continued to eat her sandwich. After a pregnant pause, she spoke.

"We're worried about ya Sweetie, lately you've been looking more..." Apple Bloom trailed off.

"Pale?" Scootaloo offered as she swallowed the rest of her lunch.

I grumbled in frustration, "My coat is white, you ditz."

Scootaloo visibly flinched, as if I'd reached out and struck her in the face, "Not like that, Sweetie. You just seem kind of... well, lifeless."

"I'm fine," I replied curtly, not making eye contact with either of them. I didn't understand why they were being so persistent. Sure, I was tired, but so was everypony else. It was a Monday for Celestia's sake. It wasn't as if there was anything wrong with me.

"Now what's with the snappy attitude, Sweetie? You know Scootaloo didn't mean nothin' by it," Apple Bloom retorted, causing me to sigh heavily.

I didn't want to hurt either of them, I didn't have the energy to argue either way.

"I know," I replied softly, "I'm just tired, I guess. I feel kind of sick."

"Maybe ya should talk to Ms. Cheerilee and head home early? Get some rest or somethin'?" Apple Bloom suggested.

"You might want to eat something too," Scootaloo added, "Rainbow Dash said that you can feel sick if you don't have a proper diet."

I blanched at the thought of eating any more than I had to. I already knew that I was a little pudgy, and eating any more wouldn't help me with that particular problem.

"I already had enough, Scootaloo. I appreciate it though," I said as I forced myself to smile. She seemed to buy it too, because I received a genuine smile for my effort. Apple Bloom, on the other hoof, seemed a little less convinced, as she bit down on an apple and eyed me wearily.

"C'mon, Ah think lunch is almost over," Apple Bloom said as she beckoned the two of us to follow her. I felt the smile leave my face as soon as I stood up to follow her, it was just a weak façade, after all.

I wouldn't want them to worry, it would only make me feel guilty, too.


I sat in my room as I listened to Rarity hum a song in the kitchen, I would have stayed in the living room so that I could hear her singing voice better, but then I'd have to smell the food she was making, I'd become nauseated from the aroma.

She had the voice of an angel, whereas my voice sounded something akin to a broken record. I never understood how she did it, how she could spontaneously burst into song and never miss a beat. Meanwhile, my voice cracked when I tried to speak normally. That wasn't the only thing she had going for her, either.

Rumble would ogle Diamond Tiara once in awhile when he thought she wasn't looking. She was, of course, but he never looked at me like that. He would just look sad, or afraid? I guess? Rarity, on the other hoof, made every stallion in town swoon. She deserved it too, with how well she catered to herself, but I didn't get it.

I was her sister, after all. Heck, I even looked a lot like her. The only thing I could remember was the way she restrained herself from gorging on the food she ate. It was something that I had only recently gotten better at.

"A lady must always watch her figure," I'd hear her say.

I heaved another sigh. I didn't want to look at the mirror, I'd probably just see something I wouldn't like again.

"Sweetie! Dinner is ready! I made pasta!" Rarity called out from across the hall in a sing-song voice.

I gulped audibly, "Let's just, get this over with, I guess," I muttered to myself as I walked out into the hall.


I was more interested in eyeing the decadent decor of the boutique than actually touching anything on my plate. I did my best not to look visibly repulsed as I picked at a piece of stray broccoli that Rarity had put in the dish. I wasn't stupid, a carbohydrate-based meal like this was probably something Rarity thought of. Was she trying to fatten me up even more? What was her plan?

"Sweetie," Rarity said softly as I continued to pick at my meal. I promptly ignored her, this wasn't the first time she tried to make fun of me for the way I acted at the dinner table. My disgust was becoming more visibly apparent by the second.

"Sweetie Belle, why aren't you eating your food?" Rarity continued, her voice wavering slightly.

I huffed as I put the fork down, "I am eating my food, Rarity."

Rarity adopted an unpleasant frown on her face as I continued to eye the food with utmost ennui, "You've barely eaten anything darling, except the broccoli. What's gotten into you? Just a few months ago I had to chastise you for nearly sticking your face in the bowl."

"Well, I don't see you eating anything!" I retorted lamely, hearing my own voice rise. I was shocked that it actually physically hurt to shout at her.

"That's because I was talking to you, dear," Rarity deadpanned, while levitating her bowl so that I could see inside of it. There was hardly any food remaining.

"What does it matter to you, anyway? You're not mom," I muttered darkly, causing Rarity to stand up from her chair.

"Sweetie Belle!" Rarity shouted, slamming her hoof down on the table as she said my name. I flinched at her sudden outburst, but my reaction was delayed by a second or two, causing Rarity to tear up.

"You're not even all there, are you?"

I was dumbfounded, she had gone from furious to heartbroken in under a second, "Wh-what?" I managed to stutter out.

"Sweetie Belle," Rarity said softly as the tears began to softly drip down her cheeks. She was so pretty... even when she was sad. Unlike me in every way, I suppose.

"You're going to kill yourself at this rate. I don't want to order a bucking coffin for a child."

My mind was reeling, I didn't understand what she was talking about. I was completely aghast, never in my life had I heard Rarity swear before. How was I going to die? What was I doing wrong? I felt myself begin to tear up, seeing the state my sister was in.

"R-Rarity, w-what's wrong with me?" I managed to say while starting to choke up.

She sighed a little, and gently embraced me, "Come with me to my room, I want you to take a look in the mirror with me."

I felt myself begin to shake as we walked toward her room, I couldn't handle this, not right now. "R-Rarity," I managed to squeak out in apprehension.

"Sweetheart, it's alright. There's nothing to be afraid of," Rarity cooed gently in my ear.

She was wrong, there was something to be afraid of. I stared at the mirror hanging above her dresser, but what stared back at me wasn't myself. Rather, an overweight and grotesque abomination that nothing could ever love. I broke down and began sobbing into Rarity's coat.

"What do you see, Sweetie Belle?" Rarity asked me softly.

"S-s-some f-filthy, d-d-disgusting monster," I replied weakly.

"Sweetie Belle," Rarity began to say, "You are beautiful in every way. From your wonderful smile to your never-ending optimism. You aren't just a cute young girl, you are a beautiful mare who's going to go far in this world, farther than me, even."

I felt myself gasping for breath as Rarity gently rocked me back and forth just like mommy used to, "You're not well right now, Sweetie Belle. You're nothing but skin and bones, and you look so weak that I worry that I might hurt you just from holding you. What you see in the mirror, that isn't you, Sweetie."

"I-I-I just w-wanted to be like m-my big sister," I moaned as I buried my head into her shoulder, muffling my sobs that didn't cease.

"I don't want you to be like me, Sweetie. I want you to be better than me, better in every way. It's alright to compare yourself to somepony else, but you're going to destroy your own sense of identity if you try to be somepony other than yourself. Your uniqueness is what makes you, well, you. That's the one thing you have over anypony else, is that they're never going to be you," Rarity paused to gently kiss me on the head.

"And it should never be any other way."

My crying had stopped for the most part, the pain I had felt while simply standing near the mirror hadn't disappeared, but it felt much fainter. I looked up into Rarity's sapphire-blue eyes, and I knew, my sister was going to help me, even if I hadn't realized how much I needed it.

"I love you, big sister."

I felt her hooves wrap around my body, "I love you more than anything in the world, Sweetie Belle."

Comments ( 32 )

Holy shit.
:fluttercry:
That was inspired and deeply moving.
I got the chills when she looked in the mirror.

You've take a pile of manure and turned it into a sunflower.

Bravo!

I wanna write something like this now...
Truly amazing readaption of a story.

The world building was a little rough at first because I didn't know where anypony was. I didn't know if they were at the club house, school, or park, but I loved the emotions you imparted.

This was excellent. I'm going to link this to the original

Oh thank god for the lack of human eating!

JackRipper
Moderator

8135635
Well, thank you!

The hardest thing to write was the last scene, I nearly started to tear up myself while I was imagining the scene in my head. :twilightsheepish:

JackRipper
Moderator

8136357
Thank you! :twilightsmile:

I didn't realize how insightful I was becoming when I was writing this until I was neck-deep into writing it. Then I realized I was hitting home with a rather heavy message, so I went with it. :twilightsheepish:

JackRipper
Moderator

8136268
The horror! :raritydespair:

JackRipper
Moderator

8135646
Go ahead, I made this for you, after all. :scootangel:

JackRipper
Moderator

8136526
When it comes to dialogue, list out a character's traits in your head as you're writing what they say, then say what you wrote out loud.

This keeps you from writing a character incorrectly, and from making simple grammar mistakes. Though some grammar and spelling mistakes are alright when you're trying to covey a character's personality. (ex: run-on sentences for Pinkie, or incomplete words for Applebloom for a southern accent)

Ask yourself what you want your readers to see, and then envision the scene in your head based on what you wrote? Does it not invoke the emotions you wanted? If not, revise it. :unsuresweetie:

I almost started to tear up when I was writing the last scene of this story, actually.

Don't tell the readers a story, give them a good show. It's not like a textbook, it's like a play, set the scene and play out the acts accordingly. :twilightsmile:

JackRipper
Moderator

8136563
No problem. :raritywink:

Amazing rewrite. And it goes along with what I've been saying for awhile now -- Evictus has good ideas sometimes; they could just stand a bit more TLC.

Also glad to know I'm not the only who gets misty-eyed when writing heavy scenes. I recall one scene in particular I wrote that I still have trouble reading aloud without choking up, months after the fact.

JackRipper
Moderator

8136798
The last two stories he has written do show signs of improvement. :twilightsmile:

It's all a matter of applying yourself and playing to your strengths, and I'm glad to see him putting in a little more effort.

And yes, I was really weirded out that I nearly had a self-induced crying session, that's never happened before. :twilightblush:

Ow... my heart. This hurts(in a good way). This beats everything I've written thus far.

JackRipper
Moderator

8143574
Wow! That means a lot coming from someone who has double my followers! :twilightsmile:

Thanks! :pinkiesmile:

8143577 Perhaps you could take a look at this? It's something similar to this but lighter in a sense. I could use some if your 2 cents if you can. A bit of pro/con if u will

JackRipper
Moderator

8144633
I'll add it to my review list! :twilightsmile:

Well that was haunting, but Rarity really stepped in beautifully as the loving and worried sister there, and it really felt like, yes, she would make everything better again!
I think perhaps it could have benefited from a slightly higher wordcount to really explore Sweetie's mindset a bit more and show a few more reactions to her, but that doesn't detract from the point that this is a good, if somewhat bleak, read.
Good show.

JackRipper
Moderator

8158956
Thank you. :twilightsmile:

I know I could have definitely expanded upon what I had, but I was just eager to get this out as quick as possible!

JackRipper
Moderator

Thought you did really well with this, good job!

One gets the impression that just that talk from Rarity won't fix Sweetie Belle's issue by itself, but it's a good place to start, and it's right and realistic to show it as not being so easily solved.

I wonder if we're to assume in-canon that Sweetie Belle will be considered just as beautiful as Rarity when she's older, or if Rarity got the good genes in that department?

JackRipper
Moderator

8163659
Thank you! :twilightsmile:

And I'm sure she'll be just as beautiful when she's older. :pinkiesmile:

The review. I never had less to say about a story, but that's mostly a good sign.

JackRipper
Moderator

Oh :unsuresweetie: it's one of these stories. I'll need to be in a special mood to read this one. Can't wait to read though. Looks like a really good read.

Yo, Jack. This is, like, super late. ‘Cuz I'm too lazy/tired to do anything.

This review is brought to you by the group, “A for Effort.”

Name of Story: Bearing the Weight

Total Score: 10/10

Pros:
Characters very in character. Pacing was great. Flowed well. The writing was just great.

Cons:
Honestly, I can't find anything to dislike.

Additional notes:
Well, this hit me right in the feels. I… I don't really know what to say, besides for that it was just amazing. I loved it, and can't see any flaws in it. The way SB viewed this was just on point. When she looked into the mirror… I teared up. You've made this just so moving. Good job, Jack. :twilightsmile:

I love this story. The emotions conveyed are both powerfully, and well done.

JackRipper
Moderator

8427337
That was the goal. :heart:

"Pale?" Scootaloo offered as she swallowed the rest of her lunch.

I grumbled in frustration, "My coat is white, you ditz."

One of the two of them is being racist here. Probably. If "ditz" isn't a slur, it sure as hell should be.

I'd have to smell the food she was making, I'd become nauseated from the aroma.

This is such a powerful, concise portrayal of what these disorders do. Good becomes bad. Bad becomes worse.

"You're going to kill yourself at this rate. I don't want to order a bucking coffin for a child.

These kinds of illnesses never feel real... Until they suddenly and abruptly do.

Great story from start to finish. You should do more Big Sads™.

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