Bearing the Weight is 1,723 words long and tagged [Dark] [Drama] [Sad] [Rarity] [Sweetie Belle] [Cutie Mark Crusaders]

I just wanted to be as beautiful as my sister. She told me that I was still young, and that it was normal to be pudgy at my age, but I disagreed. She was angelic compared to, whatever I was. I knew that she kept her slim figure by eating less, so I tried to follow suit.

I'm so tired all the time and I feel like I can hardly support my own weight, I get stared at when I'm at school and Rarity is becoming more anxious around me.

What did I do wrong? Why didn't I look like her? Why was I still so... ugly?

Alternatively:

I... want to be loved
just want to be loved

In the dark shadow of her more beautiful older sister, Sweetie Belle grows increasingly desperate. Trying to lose weight, she refuses to eat, failing to notice how she grows increasingly pale and weak (apparently refusing to look in the mirror), to the point that everyone around her notices.

This is a fine piece, under most aspects. A simple idea which is handled reasonably well. It is supposed to be a rewrite of Evictus' Refusing to Eat, but that's a bit like saying Generation IV is reworked Generation II, both in the sense that one of them is garbage and that they are hardly similar beyond a very basic premise. The original doesn't even have the losing weight aspect... it doesn't actually have any sort of explanation.

It's also another story where the writing isn't quite there yet. One of the weaker sentences/paragraphs is, for instance, this one:

I sat in my room as I listened to Rarity hum a song in the kitchen, I would have stayed in the living room so that I could hear her singing voice better, but then I'd have to smell the food she was making, I'd become nauseated from the aroma.

Given that I have little to say about the story itself, I'll just throw out two quick pieces of advice: 1) make shorter sentences (the first comma here for example should just be a period), and 2) use fewer "X said"s, you could cut a number of them and it would improve the flow somewhat.

Also, great cover image. 58/100

This is a re-write of the story Refusing to Eat, by Evictus.

and then I thought I've seen some shit in my life.

Thank you.