kalash93
Joined 18th Dec, 2012 ·
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Desc. gave me cancer. Story.... can be... i am not really into clopfics but i guess its good?
Still, try to work on that desc.
I like it! The storytelling is very direct, but not in a bad way! You've told us everything we need to know to get started on this ride. I'm buckling in, hope it's a good one!
8047789 what the fuck is up with all the dislikes?
8048318
No idea. I guess some people don't appreciate fail trolling. I'm not even that bothered by it. The ratio speaks for itself.
Very promising. Do continue.
Straight to business, it seems. No fooling around here.
8050252
Thanks, PonyDragon. That's kinda the point. There's what's explicit, and then there's what's implicit. Don't take everything Chrysalis says at face value.
8049106
New chappy coming online soon!
8048025
Thanks, High. I got more coming in very shortly.
Before I read this, what is the Dake tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?
8053200
Not grimdark. It's an exploration into a character who is fundamentally dark. Y'know, with the whole enslaving, antisocial, invading, warmongering, and manipulating stuff. The darkness is more in the implications than directly stated.
I'm really enjoying this style of chrysalis such a predator !
Quite the philosophy at the end...
Nice chapter.
I'm curious what she has planned next.
One small piece of constructive(?) feedback:
Are you sure you should include Rifles? I would stick to Swords and Spears, maybe Arrows and Crossbows.
But that's up to you.
8054466
Thanks. It's meant to be more psychology and philosophy than porn.
As for the firearms, I'd rather write them than just spears and swords. It's a personal taste issue.
8055136
If you think so...
Rifles would also explain Chrysalis' appearance:
orig15.deviantart.net/897c/f/2012/140/d/5/the_hole_story_by_niban_destikim-d50ezc7.jpg
Source.
8056049
I like that comic. There's a voiced version, too.
P.S.: New chappy coming soon. :)
I'm sure some day he will influence the fate of the entire hive - if for better or worse is still up to discussion.
Nice chapter.
Even if barely anything is happening here; it looks like a small chapter between two bigger chapters.
I'm curious where it goes.
Well, you did an in depth review of my story, I can certainly do one for you.
First off...The Premise: This destroys headcanons, that's not bad. As long as what you are offering is plausible and works well for the story. I've not dealt much in writing changelings, so I don't have much to be destroyed. Though for the purpose of your story, the queen being able to use the sperm of ponies to fertilize the eggs is an interesting, and possibly valid premise. Though I'm a bit confused, do only the queen have eggs? If so, their children provide the male part? I know it happens in bug colonies, but it's a little odd there. Did enjoy the world building for Chrysalis.
Characters: Well, we've got Chrysalis, who we love to hate. Though you are diving deep into giving her a realistic personality. And kudos for that. I've never thought she was a one dimensional villain, and fix that treat her as such end up getting quickly dropped by me. She wants what is best for her children. And given that many were lost in the Canterlot battle, her focus is to rebuild the hive. That works quite well. And on to your OC, Parabolic Trajectory. You did get quite interesting with him. His backstory is enough for the story, and the realizations she makes while they are intimate does quite well for her character. This is a young stallion who actually tried to kill her directly. She isn't taking it out on him, he doesn't know who she really is, and he doesn't particularly care. She's a prostitute, there to satisfy his desires. Though it would be entertaining if he were to find out right after. The shock would probably kill the poor guy. All in all, quite entertaining.
Plot: It's simple, she's looking for seed to rebuild her hive. Simple and short, it works quite well. For a short story, this plot works well, telling the reader why she's doing it, and what her desire is. And you use the characters in the story effectively. And that little bit about Thorax, quite cute. If she only knew.
Prose: Your writing is grammatically correct, didn't notice any severe misspellings. Though one little bit, where he says he has his rifle in his hand. If this were an anthro story, no problem, but no anthro tag, so he doesn't have hands. Might want to clear that up. And one more bit, her masturbation scene seemed a bit....clunky. I'd work to tighten it up. Other than that, it's an easy read.
In summary, a cute little fic that brings out the strengths of the Chrysalis character.
this story is funny lmao
It really comes down to what one I considers the word "clean" to mean, and whether being such is valuable.
Should have known from a name like that. What comes up....