Step One: Don't panic!
Oh god, the quotes have spread to this story too! It must be highly contagious, the press must know! Quarantine the bandwagons!
~ Liarra Sniffles
"Don't panic!"
That's step one for all of my contingency plans.
Zombie apocalypse?
"Don't panic!"
Alien invasion?
"Don't panic!"
Visiting future in-laws?
"Don't panic!"
Sister having a huge bash at your fancy new beachfront house, inevitably leaving the place a disaster-zone of empty bottles and used condoms?
"Well, maybe panic a little."
Either way, when I woke up after literally just finishing my latest, step by step plan for what to do if I ever find myself in the body of Nightmare Moon the previous morning, I instantly deployed step one of the "Waking Nightmare" plan.
"Don't panic!"
It may seem somewhat strange to have multiple plans in place on the off chance I ever find myself in this specific and impossible situation, but making plans for silly or outlandish situations is a hobby of mine. Heck, I'd even splurged on one of those cork boards, a bunch of pins and some red string. I didn't end up making a proper tinfoil hat, but now that I've found myself in this situation perhaps I should get on that.
How's my plan coming?
"Don't panic!"
Ah, I see. It would be easier to focus on my first goal if whoever is currently screaming would be quiet for a minute.
To be honest, I'm kinda glad that this is the plan I had to execute. I would not particularly enjoy the "Noodle incident" or "Attack on Kansas" plans if they became reality.
"Don't panic!"
You know, staring at my hoof like this is probably not helping with my plans. And for some reason my eyes are all watery, I hope Nightmare didn't have any allergies or anything. The screaming is giving me a headache.
"Don't panic!"
After not panicking for several hours, I placed my new Nightmare-HoofTM back on the ground with a metallic 'clop' and took a deep, calming breath.
Yep, I'm still Nightmare Moon.
In the castle of the two sisters.
In Equestria.
Ottawa, Canada.
Cursing under my newly minted but probably not minty fresh evil villain breath, I push myself to a sitting position. My plan indicates that the next step should be to familiarise myself with the undoubtedly alien body that my brain doesn't know how to operate.
Unless plot convenience intervenes, and lets me rise up to a sitting position somewhat reminiscent of how my neighbours dog sits. This cold floor is not particularly comfortable on the royal behind.
Strike one in favour of cartoon logic, something I'm really hoping continues because some of the stories I've read about this magical pony land are downright scarily dark with their gritty realism.
Quickly clambering to my hooves with the grace of an overweight alley-cat experienced show pony, I spend a moment taking in my beautiful new form. My mane is getting in the way constantly, and my black feathered wings probably need a preen or something judging by the itching. I double check my equipment to make sure I've not gained a second horn, secretly a little disappointed that I don't have both sets. I'll find a spell for that later.
Right. It appears to be getting late, I wasted more time on step one than I had allotted for, so it's far past time I blew this joint. Turning to inspect my surroundings I soon recognise the tower in which the MacGuffins of Deus removed the previous owner of this sexy, sexy body from little Luna, leaving her far less sexy in the process. I'm an attractive horse and I know it.
I'm not too worried about having a body of my own, if I had taken over Luna again I would no doubt be hearing her voice in my head or something. Re-lifting my right Nightmare-Hoof, I take my first step in my new world and head towards the door. This place is a tip, not at all suitable for permanent residence.
"Clang... Clang... Clang... Clang..."
A short four steps later and I stop. These metal shoes did not seem that loud in the show, but here in the silence of the castle it's like walking with cymbals on my hooves. I quickly send them clattering to the floor, my naked hoofsies feeling extra exposed on the cold stone floor. For good measure I remove the other bits of armour, starting with the headpiece.
It is actually very difficult to get the darn thing off, the fixed nape causing complications with the hole for my horn. I suspect it would be easier to manage with magic, but I eventually get it to slide down my horn to the floor. The feeling of metal scraping and scratching at my horn on the way down is like fingernails on a blackboard, I hope horns are equally as sensitive in more positive ways. The chest covering comes over my head and horn much more easily.
You know, Nightmare Moon is far less intimidating without the contrast that the blue armour provides. I just look a whole lot softer and, dare I say it, more cuddly with only the smooth edges of my near black coat. Then again, I can't see my too sharp teeth or draconian eyes without a mirror, they probably detract cuddle points.
Giving my head and shoulders a shake, enjoying the feeling of air going over my fur, I feel a strange tingling in my scalp and on my butt. Opening my eyes again I watch with fascination as my hair fog shrinks and solidifies into a more normal main and tail. I guess the fog effect is an enchantment on the armour then? Seems odd, I figured it was something to do with the amount of power the alicorns have. Goodbye head-canon, you will be missed.
Well, either way, my new hair is a plain purple, the same purple that makes up the splotch surrounding my butt-moon. I'm slightly let down that Nightmare's natural colour is just a plain purple, but I guess Luna's was a plain blue and Celestia had pink, if I recall correctly. Perhaps I should add "Get some highlights" to my plan somewhere.
Arg, I'm wasting what little daylight is left pondering my 'do when I need to get out of this blasted forest before I discover if the 'immortal alicorns' can starve to death or not. Getting back to my hooves I hurry to the door and start my way down the spiral staircase.
If anypony asks, the plot convenience let me descend gracefully to the bottom. I most certainly did not slip at the halfway point and tumble head over hind down at least sixty stairs. To that end, I just happened upon a book that specifically contained information on alicorns being able to quickly heal up to at least two broken legs, a chipped horn, three broken teeth and at least two cracked ribs in about half an hour while still feeling every second of pain that comes with said injuries.
Still I quickly stopped my uh, reading, and limped my way to the main entrance into the castle. With every step I felt better, by the time I made it to the rope bridge outside and down the path I was walking somewhat normally again, if still in a lot of pain. I should also mention that I spotted what looked like the cleaning efforts of the 'mane six' on my way out, putting me at least some point after Twilight becomes an alicorn if memory serves correctly. The lack of dust points to it not being too long after that event but, then again, the show was never famous for having an overly logical timeline as the episodes progressed.
That and I had been slacking off on keeping up with the full episodes, only watching a few from season four, for example. So my memories of the castle episode are probably not the most reliable source, I'll need to head into Ponyville to see the tree castle for myself to be sure.
I slowly made my way across the bridge, it's boards creaking under my weight. One particularly dangerous sounding groan from a board in the middle saw me skittering to the other side as fast as I dared with my tail between my legs. At no point did I want to find out the limits of my new healing. The moment my hoof touched down on the ground beyond the bridge I sensed it. An ancient evil presence with no understanding of mercy or remorse, the very air seemed diffuse with it.
The forest is very much alive. And somewhat hungry feeling.
"On second thought, why not do anything other than go into the scary forest right now. Right now!"
Turning my back to the spooky forest I slink my way back across the bridge and into the castle, I need to learn about magic and shit first anyway, what kind of idiot would I be to not even check if our alphabets are the same before waltzing into town?
Following my nose back to the main entrance into the castle, I pick a random door and start walking, I don't recall the show ever really showing how the layout of this place works. Eventually and with many wrong turns I come across what is clearly a library, though I can't recall if it's the same one from the show. Huge stone bookshelves covered in dusty old tomes cover the walls, I think I even spotted an alicorn sized reading nook hidden behind a corner.
Finding no obvious ordering system to the library I just pick a book and pull it out, a blue thing covered in scribbles just like the show. This can't be how their language looks when written down, I know for a fact I've seen what looked to be English written on that banner for Celestia that one time. Strangely enough, while flipping through page after page of squiggly lines I feel a kind of pressure behind my eyes, like I've had them awake for too long. A strange urge to start speaking takes hold and I pause to read aloud.
"When dealing with slugs or snails, be sure that any substances used on the crops are safe for both pony and animal consumption, and always wash crops treated in such a fashion before sale. Doing this ensures a minimum loss of yield and a maximum return for, ok this book is crap."
Flipping the book shut and placing it back on the shelf I turn to another. This must be the hand-wavy magic that lets ponies on the show read books without the artists having to actually put written words on the pages, it reminds me of reading an audio book, if I was listening to my own- Well whatever, it works for me and, more importantly, means that I can sorta read pony books!
"Now, where would I keep the really good stuff if I was a magical pony princess..."
"It's been at least a few days now and I'm still not dead."
To some, this observation might seem a tad redundant, but seeing as I have not taken one bite to eat nor one sip to drink since I got here, I feel justified in my bafflement. Not that I'm complaining mind you, it's just supremely weird that about half way through the third day I just stopped feeling thirsty. Of course, I'm in a not insubstantial amount of pain now, but considering that makes it over a week in total since I arrived without water and here I am still reading books, very strange.
On a related note, I barely noticed that I've not slept since then either.
"Fuck this, I'm going to Ponyville."
With that I practically threw the magical theory books back onto the shelving they came from and took a moment to stretch. The books had been incredibly insightful, explaining in intricate detail how to touch your inner magic pool and use it for spells, one going so far as to boldly proclaim that these techniques are great for teaching foals at a young age. All of which made it incredibly frustrating that I couldn't do a single spell.
Not one spark.
Apparently asking for cartoon logic to help me learn spell-craft is too much, at most all I've done is get really good at making constipated faces. What's even the point of being THE ALICORN OF THE NIGHT herself if I can't even levitate a tiny pebble. On the other hoof I had managed to work out the basics of flight over the past week, so despite not being as awesome as I expected, being an alicorn hadn't been a total letdown yet.
"If flying at a slow walking pace in a straight line can really be considered 'flying' anyway."
I snort as I flap my way across the bridge back to the Everfree. Without even pausing to look back at the castle I plunge headfirst into the creepy forest, intent on being in Ponyville before nightfall.
I had hoped that it was a comparatively normal forest as far as earth standards are concerned, but it almost seemed sentient from the malice it exudes. Hopefully my journey through will be at least direct, the path is relatively clear in the twilight light. Ah well, Nightmare Moon wouldn't have any problems with the local wildlife so neither shall I!
"You know, it's always been a point of contention as to the purpose of timberwolves among fans of the show." The wooden wolf to my left ignored me to continue eating.
"Like, where do you guys even fit in to the food chain." The slightly bigger timberwolf to my right also ignored me to gnaw on the remains of his meal.
"...You aren't the most talkative bunch today, are ya?" I wiggled my stumps a bit. Could be worse I suppose. Even though all my legs were currently being eaten by my new friends, the wolves kept me quite well fed and watered. I'd worried that they would figure out that I can't starve or er, dehydrate? To death after the first two days. Silver linings and all that. I tried again to pull myself away from the pack with my wings, but the two of the group nearest to me let loose a growl before I made it very far. I ignored them and they hesitated long enough for me to reach my goal.
"Ooh, can we go visit the puppies again?" I nosed against the wolf responsible for dragging me around the forest to display my restlessness, a trick I picked up after figuring out which of the near identical looking wolves were the pregnant mothers.
"I think sprout has finally come out of his shell now that he's seen me playing with the others." Sprout being the oldest and most wary of the timberwolf pups when it came to me. I named them all, of course. The wolves seemed way more intelligent than I figured a wolf could be, but not to the extent of having a proper language.
I suppose I should explain the comedy of errors that my little jaunt through the 'overhyped' everfree forest took to leave me in this mess.
The first issue was the plundervines. Yes, apparently I was either getting my timelines wrong, had mistakenly thought that the castle had been recently renovated a bit or giving the elements to the tree didn't stop all the vines. My only warning was a black facehugger spraying gas in my face. At first I thought that I would at least get a fun tentacle groping, but nope! Just a standard old knockout. After an indeterminate amount of time I awoke to find a manticore fighting off the vines keeping me sedated.
My first thought was that he was trying to save me, I mean, Fluttershy could talk to manticores so they must be at least somewhat intelligent. Turns out I was wrong about the former but right about the latter. See, the manticore appeared completely immune to the gas, meaning he could basically just walk up to my body and grab me like some kind of fast food drive through without too much hassle from the vines. Of course, I wasn't going to let him eat me without a fight!
But that's when I learned that the venom in a manticore's stinger is not lethal. Or well, it's not lethal to me, I'm not a mythological animal expert so I don't really know what it would do to a regular pony. It did, however, completely paralyse me. Couldn't even move my eyes or blink, I may as well have been a sack of potatoes. Pretty sure my heart wasn't even beating at one point although I kept my consciousness this time. After that Chungus, that's what I named him, spent a good hour or so eating my lower half faster than it regrew. Equestria is nothing but roses and tea parties, I'll tell you what.
At least I didn't really feel much through the venom, or is it poison, I never know which one is which with these things. Anyway, I was a little concerned that I would discover what happens when I am entirely eaten, would I regenerate inside him and cause some wicked indigestion or what, when a pack of timberwolves found us.
Apparently, Chungus had already eaten his fill, so he didn't put up much of a fight to protect what was left of me at that point. Unfortunately for me, one of the timberwolves spotted my hind legs regrowing and somehow communicated this to his pack mates. This led to my current situation; being used as an alicorn leg farm for a pack of thirty or so wooden wolves. It took a few weeks and at least one more actual 'death' on my part, but at this point I barely even flinch when they nibble another leg off with surprising gentleness. Maybe I'm suffering from Stockholm syndrome, but I quite like most of the pack.
Except Barry, he's a prick.
I wiggled my stumps again.
Soooo boring! All these dogs ever do is eat and sleep, especially now that they aren't really hunting for food. I don't get to come on the patrols of their territory, instead being left with the expecting females and pups when they leave. I should mention that the wolves don't seem to have genders, at this point every wolf in the pack has given birth at least once at random. I spent at least a month carefully watching and none of the wolves have ever done any babymakin'. Maybe they use spores. I've just been assigning them a gender and name on a whim, so sue me.
Ah cripes, I've still got one fresh leg left and I think it's... Yep, here comes Barry. Barry is what I assume to be the alpha of the pack, just from the fact that he seems to lead the patrols and is the biggest wolf of the lot. Unfortunately for me, he seems to have a grudge against ponies because he is the least gentle when it comes to eating a leg. The bugger does it on purpose.
"Alright ya prick, make me a bean-pony and fuck off before I jab you in the eye with my horn. Again!" I wouldn't say I really like having various body parts consumed by wildlife, but I'd be lying if I didn't find being limbless somewhat... Fun. Pretty sure I've lost of a few of my marbles at this point, but boredom and constantly being eaten will do that to ya. That and, who wouldn't find a winged bean-pony adorable? Have you seen these wiggling stumps?
...I make my own fun.
I barely even flinch as my last leg is torn away from me, Mr. Prick over here doesn't even seem to care that leaving a more damaged wound means it takes longer for the leg to regrow. As I said, one hundred percent ass-hole that one. At some point I began to wonder that if the only time I come close to what would be considered dead by a normal person and still maintain awareness of at least myself, to the point where I'm confident I'd still be conscious as a pile of bones, is sleeping the same as being effectively dead for me? I mean, I don't appear to suffer from sleep deprivation or anything, so if sleep is not needed and the only time I'm not conscious of myself then maybe...
I let my rambling thoughts fade away in the silence.
It's at times like this that I wish I could talk to the pundogs like Fluttershy can. Seriously, it's been at least five months by my poor attempt at time keeping since I last had a conversation with anyone who can talk back. Is being worried about going insane a good or bad sign, surely an insane person doesn't know they're insane, therefore I'm probably at least still eligible for a drivers license, although that won't do me a lot of good around-.
A huge crack reverberates through the forest, rudely interrupting my train of thought. That didn't sound good. All the wolves quickly stand alert, peering into the forest where a lot of crunching is coming from. I spot a few smaller critters already fleeing from the same direction, not even stopping to acknowledge the wolves, which is probably not a good sign. Before the wolf closest to the edge of the clearing can even let out a yelp, it is swept up in a huge writhing mass of black tentacles with blue spines.
"Oh shit! Time to fuck off!" I cry, wiggling desperately towards my dedicated sled dog. Or at least, where he was before. Now there's just a huge tentacle on a pile of sticks. Shit.
By the time I've registered the loss of my puller-dog, the entire rest of the pack has either bailed or been demolished, these vines are way more violent than I remember them being. I wiggle around from the nearest vine and desperately start to inch-worm my way away from the central mass, using my wings like arms to pull myself along on the ground. Unfortunately for me, there is a vine wrapped around my tail.
"Shiiiiiiii-WHAM." Being flung through the air is nowhere near as fun if the thing flinging you doesn't let go. Another clear advantage for being a bean-pony; if I had legs they would have totally been broken by the repeated slams into the ground.
"You fu-WHAM."
"I'm gon-WHAM."
My wing! now how am I-WHAM."
I'm too winded to scream more insults at the vines as it finally lets go a few minutes and several broken bones later, sending me spiralling into the sky at an impressive speed. Oh hey, I can see Ponyville from here, and the big tree-castle of Twilight's! Now if only my wings were not currently super broken. Still, I'm making good distance towards it. It seems the dogs pulled me quite far away from my starting point, as I watch the Everfree ruin sail by below me.
I finally reach the peak of my arc, not quite high enough to land on one of the clouds floating around. Wiggling my body I try to orient myself so that I can see where I'll land, it takes some doing but I feel my sped pick up a bit as I aim forwards. Ah shit, doesn't look like I'm going to make it even half way to Ponyville without adjusting my flight path, the vine hasn't sent me directly towards it.
Unfortunately, I've discovered one of the negatives to being a bean-pony. My left wing is either broken or dislocated, I can barely get it to twitch, leaving only my right one to do any steering and I don't have any hooves to manually move my left wing. Spotting a small clearing, I try to use my remaining wing to move towards it, I'd rather not be impaled on a tree for god knows how long. After spinning around several times, I manage to sort of spiral/dive-bomb into it. My feeling of pride is replaced with... Well, not exactly terror, more irritated resignation as I am caught in the largest collection of spider web I've ever seen.
Turns out you probably shouldn't aim for a clearing in the Everfree, as the whole damn forest is a trap.
Turning my head towards a noise somewhere behind me, I don't even try to wiggle out of the web as the largest spider I have ever seen slowly crawls onto the web from the shadow of the trees.
"Ugh, fuck me."
I don't know how long I've been trapped in this cocoon of webbing.
I don't know if it's night or day. I don't know how many times I've been eaten by this spider at this point. I do know that I preferred having my limbs torn off by timberwolves than whatever the fuck you call a spider's eating process. Ugh, it burns constantly, I think my pain tolerance is basically whatever I feel like at this point. But today the spider made a mistake.
See, before this, the spider has been eating me like a fine soup every few days to stop my limbs from regrowing after my last escape attempt, the clever girl. But today she slipped up and somehow forgot about me, whatever the reason for her lapse I now have enough muscle-mass back to move and by golly am I not wasting this opportunity.
Carefully lowering my horn, I pierce the soft fibre surrounding my less-melted-than-usual body. Ripping my horn straight up in the classic horn strike motion, I make short work of the cocoon and fall to the ground. Part one of my new plan is a success, but this time I won't get caught again. Carefully I stretch out my wings and give them a few small flaps, slowly speeding up till I am hovering a few feet above the ground but easily below the layers upon layers of web above me like some kind of weird tent roof.
carefully navigating my way through the laser grids of web, I make my way towards the edge of the clearing. Last time I escaped, the mere act of touching the ground alerted the spider. Something that big has no business moving so quickly. Gently flitting over the near invisible lines of web crisscrossing at ground level on the edge of the web, I float my way out into the forest and into my freedom.
Between the spider and the timberwolves I didn't get much time to practice flying or magic, but plot convenience or perhaps karma seems willing to cut me a break every now and then. I withhold any celebrating, I've come too far to get caught again for making a noise. Spotting a clear hole in the canopy, I carefully avoid it like the plague and instead force my way through the leaves of the thickest tree I can find and up into the sky beyond. I'm still missing a few primary feathers that haven't finished growing back in yet, but my flight is relatively stable.
Well great, it's the middle of the night and I can't see shit.
Now, because Spider McSpider-face kept me sealed in a web thingy under many layers of webbing, I haven't a clue if she leaves the area. Going on my luck so far, I'd guess that staying here will only get me caught again by morning, so I need to move. From my uncontrolled flight through the air above the forest, I'd put myself as at least half way between the castle and ponyville, if a ways off to the side of the direct path. Whatever, I don't need a map, just a general direction to flap my flippers in.
Picking a direction that smells like west, I'm on my way!
So yeah, so far my plan for world domination blending in with the locals is going swimmingly. And I say that as someone who can't swim. I haven't even made it to step four yet, or was I up to step three, I don't remember clearly. This is the hassle that happens when you get put through months of mental trauma, but I'm staying positive about it. Flying slowly along is pretty boring, so tactically I should use this time to come up with a new plan for my imminent arrival in ponytown.
My original plan was to pretend to have lost my memories and speech, playing the old silent innocence act to get ponies to trust that I'm not going to go around declaring eternal night or whatever, but that was before I found out what it's like not talking to anyone for months and months. There's no way I would be able to keep that up for long and my tongue would just regrow if I cut it off.
Now I'm thinking that playing up my natural silliness as well as a positive and energetic attitude will be a better long term solution. I'm not claiming to be a black pinkie, but I consider myself to be pretty cheerful. It's hard to take someone seriously if they act even remotely Pinkish. Pinkiesqe? Pinkie Pie style. Of course, I've got to be careful not to lay it on too thick, else my second goal will be much harder: Romance the heck out of best pony.
Speaking of which, I should really finish plan 'murder flash sentry and burn the body' before that thief gets his grubby hooves on my BPPMFF (Best Pony Princess Mare-Friend Forever.) Or should that be my BPPSTBMMF (Best Pony Princess Soon To Be Mare-Friend Forever.)
Either way, when trying to look past my own headcanon and just focus on the show, something I feel I will struggle to do, Twilight doesn't seem like she'd go for an alicorn Pinkie. Therefore I'm looking for fun to be around but not overbearing. That way I can cheer her up and give her encouragement without coming off as Pinkie Pie Crazy, the skill will be making it seem like I'm not trying too hard to be fun. Would I make a good changeling I wonder?
Meh, probably not.
Huh, that's odd, when did it become day? Shrugging off the morning's sneaking skills, I spend a good minute taking in my surroundings.
"Yep, that's a lot of trees followed by a lot of not trees."
Hey, I never said I improved my language or observation skills once I started talking to myself. Anyway, it looks like my nose was correct, in front of me sprawls the open plains of the valley floor, nestled within rests Ponyville! I've made it! I really should follow my nose more, it seems to know more than me.
It's still too early for any but the most background of background ponies to be about, judging by the orange blob I can see pulling a cart away from a large red barn-house-thing, so sneaking through the town unseen shouldn't be a problem for a ninja like me, as long as I hurry. Quickly landing at the edge of town, I pull out a large cardboard box and prepare to Solid Moon my way to Twilight's place.
"Waitaminute..." I tun the box over in my hooves. A normal box made from cardboard with a large fragile sticker on one side and some generic posting instructions on the bottom. Completely ordinary in every way. But that leaves one question.
"Where the fuck did I get this."
I'm serious, I don't remember picking up a box of any kind, let alone one big enough for a full grown Alicorn to fit inside (sans the horn, although there appears to be a hole in the top for this). There wasn't anything on the ground where I landed, no nearby alleyways full of boxes or anything like that I... I think I might actually be losing it.
Well, no sense looking a gift horse in the mouth. I slip my horn through the prepared hole and start sliding my way through town.
Ponyville is just like I thought it would be in real life, quaint thatch clad plaster houses mixed in with more contemporary weatherboard and tile affairs. No house having more than two stories as far as I can see, outside of some stores near the centre of town. At least, I assume they are stores, with living spaces on the second and third floors, you understand.
I even spot a blacksmith with the classic forge attachment to the side of the house, if I was a bigger fan of fantasy architecture I would be in heaven right now. It really hammers home that I'm in a different world now, if several months being dragged around a forest by mythical creatures didn't already. I am going to miss the internet, I suppose, but I'm in a frickin' magical land as an immortal as hell flying sorta magic maybe user, I'd have to be stupid not to think this is awesome!
Well, maybe others might not be so thrilled to have experienced what I have so far, but I always was better than those scrubs back on earth anyway. Clearly I'm destined for greater things now. Arg, I'd better reign in my ego before I blow my cover too soon. Several ponies have already poked their heads out the doors of their homes. If I wasn't supremely confident in my cloaking technology, I'd swear they are looking right at me. There must be something odd behind me or something.
Ah! There's the castle, finally. And what's this? Pinkie Pie and Rarity are having a conversation on the doorstep! Awesome, not only do I flawlessly make it to the castle, but I get to observe more of the main six. I quickly sneak up to them, listening into their conversation as I get close.
"-at least ten minutes now, if somepony was going to show up then surely they would have been here by now darling." Rarity spoke with that interesting accent of hers.
"Nah, they just got sidetracked staring at Bonbon and Lyra. Anyway, I'm not here to meet them, I can do that at their welcome to Ponyville party." Pinkie bounced in place, her legs really do stretch like that even in real life!
Uh oh, better hurry, it seems Rarity has also spotted whatever's been following me around. I increase my sneaking speed to the utmost limit that my trusty box will do. I admit, in the short time I've known her, I've become quite attached to this marvel of modern engineering.
"Um, Pinkie is that a-" For a split second my heart catches in my throat as she points a hoof almost directly at me!
"Hmm? I don't see anything." And just like that, I let out a sigh of relief, my disguise is still working. Thankfully, Pinkie chooses this time to hold the large crystal door open wide, letting my sneak my way inside before she closes it again.
"..." That's weird, apparently I can literally hear Rarity's stunned silence, must be more cartoon logic.
Speaking of the crystal tree castle, it's just as beautiful on the inside as it is on the outside, although I couldn't really see it very well through my box at the time. I don't really know how to describe it, it's big and tree shaped. And shiny, very shiny. Kinda sticks out like a sore castle in the rural town of Ponyville if I'm honest, but it doesn't look like the eyesore from the show at all.
I consider staying inside my box, but Twilight is far too clever and beautiful to be fooled by a simple box. Perhaps later I can borrow one of Pinkie's Fluttershy costumes, I'm fairly confident I could pull off a Fluttershy. Either way I find myself in a large hallway with a split at the end, my nose is telling me that the left passage leads to the throne room or whatever the map room is actually called, and the right one goes to pretty much the rest of the castle. Trusting my nose implicitly, I ditch the box and head to the right.
Gosh, if it weren't for my nose, I'd get lost in this castle instantly. Each hallway looks pretty much the exact same as the last one, several turning into large rooms and back into hallways on the other side for seemingly no reason, who designed this place! On my trek, I pass the kitchens, the library, at least two bathrooms, in one of which I spend an hour and a half cleaning myself up as best I can, what looks to be the largest broom closet I've ever seen with brooms sorted via size from hoof held dusters all the way to one taller than I am, a full blown sauna with the fire pit and everything and a bedroom clearly owned by someone but probably not Twilight.
Urg.
Finally after many years adventuring through the wilds of Twilight's castle, my roving band of me ends up in a hallway with two bedrooms attached. One of them appears to be for spike, judging by the small basket thing he sleeps in instead of a bed and the other being Twilight's. I can tell by the smell of books coming from the crack under the door. So far the castle has been completely barren of life, not even spike is in his basket. Hopefully Twilight is home, or this whole trip will have been for nothing. I mean, her door is the only one that is closed properly, so the chances are good.
Gently opening her door, I soak in Twilight's room like an alicorn sized sponge on a wet painting, taking in every little wonderful detail. There are little piles of books scattered here and there, two whole writing desks covered in lose paper and wall to wall shelves full of yet more books. If there was ever any doubt as to whose room this was, the huge collection of books and, more importantly, the gently breathing purple lump on the bed confirm it.
I shut the door behind me.
I'm in Twilight Sparkle's room!
Like, me! Really here! I mean, I'm currently in the body of Nightmare Moon, but that's still a good two out of three!
I sneak my way up to her bedside. She's just as cute in real life as she is in the show, if not more so with the added texture that real fur provides. Heck, it's taking all of my willpower to refrain from booping her snoot right now! And, unfortunately, with so much of my willpower dedicated to that, I can't stop myself from pulling the blanket off the last few inches and hopping onto the bed with her.
No doubt she will freak out when she wakes up, and this might set me back on the whole romance thing a fair bit, but I just can't help it! I have to be spooning the purple princess right now, whether she likes it or not! If they send me to the dungeons for snuggling without consent, then that's a problem for future Moon to deal with.
"So very soft" I mutter under my breath. Twilight fits perfectly against my chest slash stomach area, with her head nestled underneath mine and my legs wrapped around her barrel, pretty sure it's called that. Having her horn so close to my eye is a little worrying, but unless she sat up while angling it down she can't move her head correctly to really poke it. Plus, it would just grow back anyway, totally worth it. At this point, I'm too lost in the sensations of her fluffy wings and incredibly soft bed to pay any mind to the blow my reputation could take from this. In fact, even staying awake is quite difficult.
It's been so long since I was allowed to sleep on a proper bed, and it's been longer since I've felt this clean. I'll just close my eyes for a minute, then get ready to talk Twilight down from throwing me out of a window when she wakes.
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Dunno if this story is going to pass as teen or get bumped up to mature, I'll just have to wait and see.
I can't wait to see where this goes.
This should be interesting. Definitely tracking.
This seems fun
Ok you got me interested go on.
Yep definitely interesting as hell :D.
More
This is great.
I can't wait to see Moonie explain where she has been this entire time.
More!
This is, without a doubt, the darkest yet funniest things I've come across so far. Good job!
can almost see it next chapter twilight wakes up see she in bed with nightmare moon twilight.exe has crashed
!
I guess it is acceptable that the main char already get's a strong feeling he knows where he is if he sees the castel, but I'm not sure if he should know it for sure without having some kind of proof like seeing some of the creatures in the Everfree or a pony.
I'm not that confident in my english, but shouldn't it be " And giving of a somewhat hungry feeling"?
To be honest for some certain shit they can pull off, I often prefer it if the main char doesn't knows about the show. I hope he is not a "Hey I know you already from the show and everything" kind of guy/Mare.
I also hope, but that is more a wish, he isn't planning on telling them to fast that he isn't Nightmare and plays dumb a bit making them trying to figure out what she does here and what she wants. I also hope Luna isn't just able to go into her mind and pry for informations, sometimes her or Cadance powers go a bit to far in my opinion. At least Luna is crossing a line with her powers in some stories.
He is a pony without legs in a certain moment in this story?, because he was partly eatend and kept alive?
Okay I get it that he isn't so strong yet, but it's still somewhat strange
Why the focus on him being eaten?
yes please burn him.
Now I really just want him to play dumb, act like Nightmare and act really loving towards Twilight. You now just caring enough to make it akward to her that her enemy is pampering her.
The chapter was nice enough.
Want me to proofread? Also, liked and followed.
The underlined section there needs to either begin with "within" or have "in" after "hour and a half"
me
A quite interesting story, this is.
It's like one of the classic nightmare stories of the pony age. I love it!
With the catch phrase "Don't Panic!", was half-expecting Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect to show up midway though the story thanks to the Infinite Improbability Drive. There's a thought; have Zaphod Beeblebrox meet Princess Celestia and see who has an aneurysm first.
Has anyone ever done a crossover with the "Hitchhikers" universe?
9017662
I'd say the most critical mistake was he/she forgot his/her towel.
9017942
Definitely not froody. At least he/she already knows not to panic.
The Nightmare possesse clearly studied well from the school of Kojima.
Things are gonna be interesting when Twilight wakes up
My brain, it HUNGERS... for MOAR.
Ok night nightmare moon is the deadpool of my little pony now, i wonder if she will dress up and kill crime secretely from time to time XD, i know she will be as annoying :D.
This reminds me of anime a whole lot of wtf is happening and a hell of a lot less here's an explanation
Have a follow.
This is great!
Love this. Getting eaten was a genius way to relieve the self-insert concerns!
As crack fics go, this is off to a great start.
9051202
I don't do drugs.
At least not until pony is considered a drug anyway.
moar! plz?
This was hilarious, and i greatly enjoyed it.
Do you plan to release another chapter soon? I can understand needing to take a while for ... reasons (I'm still only on chapter three), but I do hope to see an update soon.
9085767
I do, and I'm about a third of the way through the next chapter at the moment.
If I really wanted to I could knock it out in a couple of hours like normal, but I've been very busy with course work and personal issues; I didn't want to rush it too much despite the somewhat hurried nature of the story.
9087005
Where DAT chapter at
Fucking. Glorious. I need more, right now, you magnificent bastard. And I mean that in the best way possible.
You.. you trademarked it... Hahaha!!! Clever.
I need more please.😁
Guess who has over a week of time off? With the exception of having to write 20k words on various history topics while also being behind on some other projects that I can't work on until after the break but still cause a fair bit of stress in daily life which when combined with a spouse having a medical condition that cropped up out of nowhere and is going to cost a small fortune relative to my adult student income as well as my own general lazy nature on projects with no looming deadline and oh the horror, the horror! Please won't somebody think of the children!? Don't you dare spend your time writing shitty pony whatever the hell genre that story is instead of getting a job you lazy sack of manure, I'll have you know I have over 200 confirmed oc kills on my various bot accounts and have served for 30 years in the great emu war and I can't believe you kept reading this after it looked like it was going to become a copypasta, but if I didn't expect you to read this then who did I write it for? The answer may surprise you, but I'm actually your mother. Don't think I don't know how painful this revelation is, but if you want proof just go tell your father that "today is not a monday" and all will be revealed...
It's me, baby!
Next chapter posted soontm
I don't do drugs, only insomnia.
9210256
That's how I've felt lately... with much the same results.
never understood the whole kill flash with fire thing I mean I get it waifu shouldn't date cause she belongs with x but they attempted it and didn't continue it cause it messed with peoples headcannons which is sad I think cause it could have added new plots to the show I mean look what they did with celestia and crystalverse sombra?....whatever the universe was called in the comics where they went to a alternate equestria celestia fell in love with sombra and was forced to leave him cause reasons I know I read it somewhere but I never actually read the comic I just remember the plot summary and few scenes in the manga point is it could have added something to the show I mean look at how many comfirmed couples there are that are either married comfirmed dated broke up I can only name a couple off the top of my head sorry for rambling point is why do so many people hate flash for twilight being written to show romantic intrest in someone in what could be arguably called almost non canon in the same way that the good king sombra from the manga and celestia fell in love and I dont think anyone lost there mind hated sombra for that
9210256
HA! JOKES ON YOU MY FATHER IS RUNNING FROM THE LAW!!!! lazy ass sperm doner who is to much of a chicken shit to man up and smoked weed most of his teen life so his mental growth was stunted and now he won't pay child support for myself or my dozen-and-a-half half-siblings and if I ever see his face I'm a puch it harder than the bombs fell on Hiroshima(?).
9210256
yay! ^^
9355648
Eh I'll get yez... The plotholes... Ahh just gimme a few weeks, I'm workin' on it, me and my brothers Joey Jimmy Joe Jimmie Jo' Jammie and Johnson over here and we're taking our lunch break.
But seriously, soon(tm).
Is this dead, cause I don't want it to be.
More?
9620776
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcTd-du-e5jI9AVRlu_8z0q6BGapuQzlULRPgRBcAJYwjnmoST07
9622295
Boo.
9622295
Not soon enough.
9666571
3 weeks isn't a lot of time to fully edit a 6k+ chapter if you haven't got much free time.
9667531
Fair enough.
Well, it has been an year, how the editing is going?