• Member Since 24th Jul, 2014
  • offline last seen Last Sunday


So long, Space Cowponies.


Comments ( 80 )

Not bad, but felt very rushed. The entire first chapter is used to set up the premise, and then we're skipped to the end with nothing in the middle. Would have liked to have seen more happen at the resort to establish some build up.

7736923 Thanks! I'll keep that in mind. This was my first one-shot, so there MAY be more to come at some point.


*looks at the two chapters* Sure... :derpytongue2:

PRAISE THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the first chapter was rather refreshing after all those other ones that go straight for the clop, it warmed up the plot (No pun intended) nicely.

reserved for the recruites and green solders under her command,

Recruits and soldiers.

One of the better puns that I've heard

his ever-anylitical mind


Try getting an editor.

7738202 If you know a good one, forward them to me. Thanks!

Wait what pun...................
types sun into the search function.

For so long, he had gazed into the [Sun] (Metaphorically, unlike Solar Aire who had been in the hospital six times,

Oh, I get it!

7738551 It IS a one shot, with a non-smut prologue :trollestia:

>soft squishy features
Is duskie a trap?

Also rules one and two of dark souls is never apologize about darksouls.

7738684 Leggings is a term for pants, although it IS more commonly used to refer to female garments. I will let you use whatever interpretation rustles your jimmies :rainbowwild:

7736923 I agree. The story had more potential that unfortunately went unfulfilled. The two chapters work very well, but there's a middle that's clearly missing. The author could have done a good meaty section by taking us on the days leading up to the clop material; how Gleaming tried to(unsuccessfully) seduce Dusk, his constant obliviousness, how he went from a potentially red faced spluttering mess to feeling at ease nude all around and so much more.

I really hope the author will at some point make a sequel or flesh this out a little. The story is already good but it could be so much better!

A prologue that's longer than the "main" chapter is no longer a prologue.

A one-shot that takes two chapters is no longer a one-shot.

7738868 I am aware that it is two chapters. I edited the description to make it a bit more clear.

Small typos I spotted:

You know, I have had alot more fun than I thought.

You know, you are alot less...

a lot
Them alots look like this:
E.g. "Alot of gems" ;)

It's taste was...


7739537 Thanks! I will try to correct it. This is the first story I have done that has gotten featured, and I am kinda swamped right now with all of the "Such and So has viewed your story" piling up in my inbox. I used to have a fellow brony I would send my stuff to for editing, but after an accident involving too much alcohol and a motor vehicle, I kinda stopped talking to her until she got help. As it happens, I wouldn't mind any offers to become an editor for me.

Came buckets. Please do more.

*places on shelf*

Comment posted by destinedjagold deleted Nov 22nd, 2016

*widens eyes at the ending* Oh my~

If you keep this up, you could probably crowdsource your editing.

And I still think this is more of a one-shot than people are willing to admit. Technically it's not, but technically the first chapter can be skipped without missing any plot-crucial details. People came for the clop; the prologue was the written equivalent of really tasty set-dressing.

This is going in my folder of unmentionables. :pinkiehappy:
Good job.

7740633 I really cannot express how much I appreciate the attention people have paid. I never, EVER expected to get featured, as much as I kinda dreamed of it. While I DO wish it was for a Non-Clop story, I will take what I can get happily. I attempted to blend a tasteful introduction with a really steamy sex scene, while maintaining the whole 'taboo' as being only a secondary concern. I have always had a soft spot for the 'sibling' incest thing, as the development of an already loving relationship into something more appeals to me.

Needless to say, I, the author, do NOT condone the actions taken in this story and strongly urge against undertaking such activities in real life as it can lead to legal problems and children with birth defects.

7740549 Keep an eye on that last line... I have a possible sequel planned :trollestia:~<3

7738831 You know, I nearly didn't see this comment. If you have requests like this, PLEASE feel free to send them to me! If enough people message me telling me to flesh this out, I might, MIGHT, take this off of 'complete' and add a couple more chapters.

After another short kills, Dusk Shine slowly slid down her body.

Slight typo, I believe you were going for kiss here


I'll second the request for an additional chapter or two added in the middle to flesh out the time at the resort. Like I said in my first comment, I don't think this story is bad at all, it just needs some meat on its bones. You set up this interesting premise with a lot of potential for sexy hijinx. Show us what you can do with it.

7741047 Yes! An in-between chapter with awkward boners, and 'accidental' bodily contact and him mentally dealing with her being naked all the time! Him secretly fapping at night to try to try to deal with being pent up around her, and her hearing him. Or even her pleasuring herself in the bed acting like she thinks he's asleep, (even though she knows he isn't!), making it even worse for him. Viagara smoothies!
You know, stuff like that.

7741071 Alright, alright :rainbowlaugh: fine. I will start work on another couple of chapters x3

I'll throw my hat into the 'please make a middle chapter' ring. Perhaps with Celestia staring into her crystal ball shouting "BONE ALREADY DAMMIT!! Do you have any idea how many strings I had to pull to set this up?!" :trollestia:

Can we plz get chapters with akward situations and sexy nights? Flush this out man :)

yeah same, I think this definitely has potential and needs some more meat in the middle.

If it's a ten day vacation, then where did the rest of it go.

Plot: good
Dialogue: cheesy

Have an upvote regardless

reserved for the recruits and green solders under her command,

soldiers (or she's an electrician):pinkiehappy:

she had teased him mercilessly for months while hanging it over his head like an ax as blackmail.


1: I am on a train.
2: My head is on something soft.
3: My sister did NOT pack my pillow.

Need indent on 1.

but her loyal Dream Watchers continued her work, and waere rather understanding,


rather than bulging gave the impression that she could have cut a grypon in half with an axe if she wanted to.


grabbing him around the shoulders with one arm, rubbing her fist through his maine in a noogie.


Each of them was thinking just the oppisite.


Ignoring the Trollestia factor going on, this has been a good chapter, fave from me.:pinkiehappy:

As of 0800 on 11/23, I am working on the first of the 'fill in' chapters that so many of you seem to have wanted. Time for awkward boners!

"What is this think I will love so much?"


After another short kills, Dusk Shine slowly slid down her body, never breaking eye contact, before pushing her legs apart.

Please say that's 'kiss' and they didn't go on a killing spree?

7738767 Pssst...don't complain...:derpytongue2:HNNNNGFPTHETDF!
Damn so near Dec 1 too.

I have some questions. First, there is something you must know. I believe you're a good writer, but you need to know this. A good clopfic writer, always tells the size of the female's breasts, and the size of the male's penis. You only told us the size of the female's breasts, leaving your readers to wonder the second one. The only time the writer doesn't give the size ( example: 10-18 inches/ 38-44DD Etc.) in numbers, is when the participants' "parts" is ridiculously sized, (example, I read a clopfic where the male's penis was as long as his leg, and the female's breasts were four times the size of the male's head).

Questions: are we going to see more of this? I'd like to see more of this. The certain white Alicorn (clearly Celestia) if we see more... Three way? I could see that three way, between Dusk, Gleaming, and dear old Celestia. That's all.

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