- Member Since 6th Sep, 2014
- offline last seen Jun 6th, 2023
TheMultiBrony21
Hi, I love making fan-fics, listening to good music, and Derpy Hooves.
TheMultiBrony21
Joined 6th Sep, 2014 ·
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Pretty good
The story has been revamped! Now includes more details, a better introduction and Easter Eggs.
Hint to one: Talk about bull-bots, or would it be bull-cons?
Can someone explain why this has more dislikes than likes?
9005402
It's still rushed, characters are OOC like you've never watched the show. Why would Twilight say they're all virgins and why is no one offended when he asks about a woman's breasts? If you do that to any woman in real life you'll get slapped. Now, the "love" with Derpy seems forced, the only interaction they have is him landing in her bathtub, complimenting her a few times and she suddenly asks him on a date? Not to mention he somehow has all his shit (comic, games and the like. Why do the consoles even work when Equestria has no electricity?)
He doesn't seem to give a shit about not being able to go back home. Case in point; he starts thinking about his friends and family, then immediately derails as he thinks about how soft the ponies breasts are. The "date" is extremely short. It's finished in 15 paragraphs that are barely even 3 lines on a phone, so I dread to think how short they are on a PC.
Also, you delete comments. Like I said in your previous story, that's social suicide. Deleting comments screws over your story. All negative criticism should be as welcome as the positive, even the trolls. When you start noticing the negative criticism becoming less and less on its own, then you know you're improving. Deleting comments is just going to lead to an endless cycle of more negative comments appearing that you delete which leads to more negative comments, and so on so forth.
9007453
Ugh. Do you realise how hard it is to write a story... With a cell phone?! But, okay! I'll fix it... Again.
9007465
I'd assume it's the same as writing that comment on my phone. With the same feelings; that I'd rather use a computer. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is everything just needs to be fleshed out. The story you're trying to write with the human arriving, meeting the mane 6, being sent to Celestia/Luna, falling in love and then having sex/implied sex is something authors take at the least 50,000 words to make it semi-believable. You're trying to cram too much in to what's meant to be a one shot. Authors that do one shots usually already have the human settled in Equeatria for the purpose of not having to make a backstory except for a brief summary, and timeskips don't really serve to make it any more believable.
9007477
Oh... Now someone tells me! Thank you! P.s. I updated it to add in the fate of the bullies... I hope they like slimey pussy.
9007642
It's marginally better now, even though there are a few unfixable problems due to the premise, such as the enivitable rushed pacing as you're cramming 50-80k words worth in 4k. If you ignore that though, it's actually a decent enough one-shot, if you're looking for something a bit different to read.
9007654
Thank you!
9007659i hate bullies this may sound sadistic but i would love a sequel or side story of how chryssy torments the bullies with every dark sexual fetish she can think of ending with mind breaking torturous gender swapping and forced impregnation to carry on her vengence on starlight glimmer. huh i got really malicious at the end there sorry but as i stated earlier i hate bullies and bullying in general. but this was a great story.
9056983
I'm not really going to do a sequel or side story simply because I feel that not knowing what became of the bullies allows the reader to experiment with their own opinions. But if enough people comment on it, I will make a side story for you.
9057118
cool thnx
9057704
No problem.
is it wrong that i loved the fate of Butch becoming a Bitch? As i hate bullies the answer is no.the only way it would have been more fitting imo is if it was Cozy Glow that found them.