10 - Other tears
OTHER TEARS
Princess Celestia was nowhere to be found.
Which was typical, thought Sunset as she trotted down the third corridor of the second wind of the caste… or was it the second corridor of the third wing? Somepony should add signs around the place.
Actually, could she do that? Not putting up signs, but order somepony else to do it? She was chosen by the Princess herself as her protegee. Surely, that meant something.
Maybe it meant… did they have a special bond? Something that made her special in the eye of everypony else? Even the Princess?
If that was the case, Princess Celestia was doing a really good job hiding it. Every time with her was about homework, and lecturing, and responsibilities, and exercises. That when she was even present, unlike now.
Back to the point, she had to find Princess Celestia. Asking Raven should be the right choice.
“She’s currently in the gardens, at the tea stall in the open,” said Raven. “However, she–”
One turquoise blink and Sunset was exactly where she wanted to be.
The Princess’ gardens were just as beautiful as anypony could have imagined. They grew free, but with beauty and harmony. In the center of a plain field of grass, a white stall with tables inside the fence was perfect to enjoy the flavors of tea and flowers.
The silhouette she was looking for finally came into view. Sunset didn’t waste any time, she straight up walked on ignoring any plea from the guards. Funny how they could do nothing more than ask her to stop. They knew who she was… and what her position meant.
Yes, her position was definitely exploitable. How much more could she push for?
She confidently reached the stall, walking with her head up with pride.
She instantly regretted it.
“Sunset!”
Princess Celestia had lectured her before. She had even been… well, not angry maybe, but she had seen the not-angry-just disappointed look on her face. But this time…
Princess Celestia had yelled her name.
Sunset had no idea something that simple could hurt. It was just her name but, for some reason, she just felt bad when she heard it.
It got worse when she noticed they weren’t alone.
“Sunset,” repeated Princess Celestia, lower and slower. “Please wait for a moment. I was having a conversation with guests that just came from a long distance.”
Said guests were brownish ponies with exotic features, sitting around the table with the Princess. One in particular caught her eye.
He was tall and slender, a bright brownish coat, turquoise eyes, and wore the regalia suited for a Visir or a King from Saddle Arabia. He must have been not much older than Sunset herself.
Not that she was intimidated. Of course not, she was Princess Celestia’s pupil. That put her way above the likes of him… but the Princess herself didn’t want her there.
Sunset backed away with the tail between her legs. She bowed her head, she apologized, and she turned away.
She heard the guest asking who she was, and she heard the Princess’ answer.
“Oh, this is very embarrassing,” she said. “My personal student has never shown this kind of bad manners before.”
The Princess had never spoken badly of her before.
Later, after she had already set the sun, the Princess found Sunset resting on her bed.
She said that her guest was the new sultan of Saddle Arabia, that their situation was unstable ever since his predecessor had died, that she was almost a grown mare and she had to learn there were behaviors to be respected.
She also said she was there for her if she wanted to talk.
Sunset nodded and said it was ok. That she understood.
The Princess left and, unknown to Sunset, she stopped right in front of her student’s chambers. Her head was low, and the pavement was so clean she could see her reflection in it.
She knew well that reflection. On days like that, she couldn’t help but frown at it.
“Good job, Celly.”
She was good at hiding the sarcasm in her voice, usually, but then again there was nopony to hear her there.
She shook her head, got back up, took a breath, and walked away.
“You’d better make it up to her,” she mumbled.
Sunset was getting tired of crying.
Not that she was ashamed of it anymore: crying is perfectly natural and a great way to process overwhelming emotions. Of course, back in the days, she used to think that crying only showed that she wasn’t able to control her own emotions. She used to think that it made her look weak.
She couldn’t afford to look weak. Even after coming to the new world, she had to show strength and dominance. She couldn’t remember why, exactly, but she knew she had to. It was just her way of doing things, and it worked.
Or it had worked, until she was defeated in front of the whole school. With her public image completely destroyed, she thought it would be okay to cry a little back then.
Then she opened up to friendship and, for the first time in her life, she felt like she might just be liked by someone. And not because she looked strong on the surface, they all knew she wasn’t. They saw her fall and still offered her a chance. But even then, she didn’t want anybody to think she couldn’t get a hold of herself.
Sunset always thought it was something natural. To behave in a way when around someone, to change manners around someone else, to show a different emotion in front of the right person. Like, ludicrousness with Pinkie Pie. Bravado with Dash. Pride with Applejack. Some mild smuttiness with Rarity. Care and love with Fluttershy…
She wasn’t pretending… she liked it. It was like each of her friends brought out the best of her. It was like their very souls had got into her heart.
Before she knew, it got to the point she’d jump in front of a moving truck rather than lose one of them.
That was how much she loved them. That was how much she was afraid of losing them.
The day she confessed to Fluttershy, she realized she’d do anything to keep them close. She’d even be anything. She would never let her emotions out of her control if that meant risk losing everything.
Then she thought she had lost everything, and she cried again. It also happened again when everything got back as it was.
She shouldn’t have done that. She used to be tougher than that.
And for everything to stay the way it was, she needed absolute control of herself. She had to be the Sunset everybody wanted. If only she could be that Sunset.
If only that Sunset hadn’t been a lie her entire life.
But the truth blew up in front of her face. Worse, it blew up in front of every person she cared about.
All she could feel was… anger. Anger so big and intense… all towards the one liar. Unfortunately, or maybe luckily, that Princess was in another universe. But the anger was so overwhelming she couldn’t feel anything else.
She couldn’t feel happiness, nor love. Anything. Not even her friends could reach her.
She knew she wasn’t handling it well. She knew she was doing wrong again. But she had to.
She had to stay angry. Because she also couldn’t feel sorrow, nor guilt. She couldn’t feel pain, nor despair.
Sunset knew she would break If she allowed that gargantuan pile of emotion to breach out even for just a moment. She would break, show her dear friends what she was really like underneath, and lose everything she loved.
Except, that didn’t happen.
Sunset lashed out badly and showed everyone, especially her friends, what she really was about. They had seen her dark scars, her hideous fears, and her pathetic past. And they were still there.
She just wanted to cry.
So she breathed in. She filled her lungs with air.
They had to cover their ears.
But they were there.
They held her, consoled her, tried to make her laugh. They helped her standing up, sitting on the couch, and stayed with her.
She would babble, and they would reply. She would scream, and they would hum.
Even though she was sure she didn’t deserve it, they were ready to forgive her. They were ready to cheer her up, to give her a hug, to say anything that could make her feel better.
For the most, although, they were there.
Sunset wasn’t crying.
She was a sobbing mess.
“I’m *sob* s-sorry!”
“Honey, it’s all right.”
“N-no i-i-it’s *sniff* not!”
“Well, of course it’s not,” cheered Pinkie, “but we’re here to make it all just right!”
Her answer was indistinguishable from a wail.
They all shifted closer to her, the couch squeaking faintly under the weight of four girls at once. She wailed louder.
It had been going on for a while. Ever since they pulled from the floor to the couch, they had all been standing or sitting around her, their hand always on her to caress her gently.
Maybe she sobbed for seconds, maybe she sobbed for hours. For all that time, she knew that they were all waiting for her to reopen her eyes.
She wanted to stop soon, but she kinda didn’t.
But she had to get better. She had questions to make.
“W-why?”
She searched with her eyes for an answer, and she found Rainbow Dash. She was right in front of her, and she responded with winces and dubious looks all around the room. Sunset felt her slim, fidgety hand gently rubbing her knee.
“Uh… we don’t know. Look, Sun, I don’t think there can be a good reason for what happened to you in–”
“NOT THAT!”
She didn’t mean to raise her voice. She didn’t want to scare off her friends.
They pulled back. Only for a moment.
She couldn’t blame them.
“Sorry.”
“It’s all right.”
Sunset felt hurt, again. Because, again, she was trying to be honest. To tell the truth, admit her wrongs. Confess the many wrongs she had done, how wrong she was. Again, they just let her.
Again.
“It. Is. Not.”
She hissed as menacing as she could but you can’t be that menacing with tears streaming down your cheeks and your voice trembling, cracked in emotion.
Because, instead of pulling back, two soft, kind hands warmed against her arm and side.
Again. And again, that hurt the most.
“Why?” she repeated. “Why are you doing this for me?”
She looked away from the hurt, from Fluttershy. She was just too condescending. And Dash was an idiot, dense as a brick. She wanted to truth.
Applejack looked back at her, a half-smile with all of the heart on her face, and tightened her strong, steady grasp on her other knee.
“Welp, we’re friends.”
She said herself no, that she couldn’t punch Applejack in the face for saying something that plainly obvious. But she really wanted to. So she remembered herself how strong Applejack was, and what it means to be punched back with that strength.
That helped. She still kinda wanted to punch her, though.
“But I treated you horribly,” she yelled, “I even…”
“Sunset, it’s all right.”
Sunset turned to her left side where delicate, swift hands massaged her.
More tears burned her way to her eyelids, and her shout died in her throat. She barely managed to talk.
“Rarity…”
“Now now, there’s no need–”
“The things I said to you, I… I have no excuses. I- I just wanted to hurt you and… and...
“I’m sorry… I meant nothing of it… And you wanted to help me, but I just w- wanted to hurt… to burn! I *sniff* I know it doesn’t… You’re an amazing friend and–”
“Sunset, Darling. I understand… we all do. And, sure,” –a tender smile, just for her– “what you did… hurt us. We were hurt, and we were worried, and we still are actually. But I don’t just turn away when I see coal. I look deeper.”
She felt two hands, ten fingers enveloping her face. Gently, her cheeks were pressed together until she was forced to watch into Rarity’s eyes.
“Thrust me. There’s a shining gem here.”
Sunset shook her head, she pulled back to free herself. She shut her eyes closed, she tried to move. She didn’t have the strength to break through that web of embraces.
She didn’t want to.
But she was sad inside of it, and she didn’t want to be sad. Then why didn’t she want to break out?
She stopped thinking about it when two bouncy, joyful hands patted her head.
“Hey, you’re with us now, right? Nothing wrong is gonna happen.”
Sunset squeezed her eyes, facing away from that voice.
“Pinkie. I–”
“Look at me.”
Nope. No, nononono–
“Hey, look at me.”
“nnooooo…”
“I said look at me!”
Sunset reluctantly opened her eyes and tossed her head backward. Sitting on the backrest, fiddling her hair, idiot smile… Pinkie was there.
How could she be there, after what she said to her? After she called her stupid, she treated her like a stupid, she…
“I forgive you.”
Yea, she was stupid. “O come on! You can’t just–”
“I did! I forgave you, because I know you’re sorry for making me sad and if I forgive you but then you don’t forgive yourself I’ll feel bad and then you’ll be sad and if you’ll be sad I’ll be sad too.” Grinning proudly, Pinkie continued. “And you don’t want me to be sad again, do you?”
She… wait, huh… she didn’t, right?
Did she?
She blinked.
No, she didn’t. Want her to be sad. Was Pinkie right?
“Huh. Honestly, I wasn’t expecting that from you.”
“Whaddaya mean?” Pinkie asked.
“Usually, you cheer people up with jokes”
“...You think that every time I speak is to make a joke?”
“Well, I mean…” offered Rainbow, “it’s kinda your thing.”
“That’s it,” Pinkie said with a haughty sniff. “I’m not making any jokes until this chapter is over.”
And she said it so seriously no one questioned her.
But they laughed.
They couldn’t help it. They tried, but they couldn’t. Once the first scoff came out it all rolled down to a guffaw. It was just too absurd to not laugh.
Or maybe they just needed it.
Even Sunset laughed, between the tears.
And her friends.
She felt she could laugh, and cry. She did a bit of both.
She was sad. She was also happy.
She wanted to stay there. At least for a while.
A while passed.
They offered to stay, all of them. But they had their lives, and she had to get her own in order.
They were nice to her up to the end. They comforted her, they gave her hugs on their way out.
“If you need a good cheer up, call me!”
“...me breath...”
“We’re here for you at any moment you need.”
“Aw, thanks Rare. Come on now, there’s no need for–”
“And try to get better, will ya?”
“Fine, fine… thank you. Ouch. Seriously, check your strength.”
She untangled herself from the last hug and AJ saluted her as she moved out. Rainbow Dash was left, standing in front of her with her arms crossed in front of her chest.
“Yeah, I’ll just go.”
“Nu-uh. Gimme a hug.”
“We’re too cool for hugs.”
“I want one.”
“No you don’t.”
“Neither do you.”
She groaned loudly before finally giving in.
Sunset thought that her friend was just as she appeared. Fidgety, brash, even reckless. But she was there just when she was needed.
It was part of her charm.
She also hugged quite nicely when she wanted to.
“Listen, Sunset… about before…”
“I know. Really, I get it… actually, it was obvious even at the moment I just… I couldn’t… I needed to–”
“It’s alright. Alright?”
“...yep. All good.”
An awkward moment.
“...Well, aside from you punching me in the face.”
“WHAT? But I- ok. OK.” Rainbow pushed herself away. She breathed in, swelling her torso. “Sunset, I’m very so-”
Aw, that idiot.
“Yo, I was just messing with you.” Sunset bumped her shocked friend’s shoulder. “Captain Obvious.”
She chuckled. Rainbow’s face was just priceless.
“Sunset?”
“Hm?”
“...fuck you.”
They glared at each other for a moment before laughing their heads off.
“See ya, Sunset.”
She walked out of the door, she turned back, and she grabbed the handle.
“Um, bye, Shy.”
She closed the door.
Now she was alone with her girlfriend.
She hadn't said anything in a while and no one had questioned her if she was going to leave. She simply had stayed quiet, sitting on the couch. Pretty as ever.
She looked so pretty.
She also looked strong. Maybe stronger than ever. Beautiful eyes that could turn relentless at any given moment.
Sunset wanted to die. She felt like the air in her lungs was concrete, but she had to sit and talk to her.
“Babe,” she said. “You are the best thing in my world. I love you. I'm sorry. Let's make out.”
A bit more real, Sunny?
"Love, words cannot express how much I regret what I did. You are the light that fills my sky. The one who showed me true kindness and compassion. The one who never lied to me… I adore you… forgive me."
Yeah, good luck actually saying all that.
"Fluttershy, I know I treated you horribly… and it wasn't even the first time… but I promise It'll never happen again… like already promised last time… but I had a bad day… because yeah bad days are a perfectly normal thing it's my fault that I'm so messed up I can't take it and… what if it happens again?
What if I just keep falling in this loop and I'm horrible to you every time? What if I don't let you get out of it? And if we develop a toxic, codependent relationship? What if I actually hurt you!"
Sunset blinked. Again, and again. Tapping her fingers on the couch. Shifting her butt on its furniture.
Fluttershy watched her. Pretty. Patient.
"We should break up." Sunset crossed her arms. Cold as ice.
"You weren't there for me when I needed you. I was hurt, but no support from my girl. Thanks."
"You deserve better. You deserve someone who isn't utterly pathetic. You're wonderful, beautiful… you'll find someone. I bet everyone would want you… there has to be one that'll treat you right."
She wasn't going to cry.
No. Dammit.
She was done. She would stand, sitting straight, facing her girlfriend, speaking her mind, and nothing was going to stop her.
Not tears, not fear, not that burning pain in the corner of her eyes, not those soft lips that…
pecked her…
on the cheek.
Fluttershy's hands, her eyes, her love… she could feel them all… on her.
…
No!
Nononono she did NOT deserve this.
"Sunset, I know you."
Fear, and hope.
"You've done many wrongs, and you've done your best to amend since we started hanging out. Still, you have your demons… a side of you that… I'm afraid of… BUT it's still you! It's part of you… the scars you're working hard to heal from. And I love you. Every side of you… Look at me, please. You have to trust me when I say that you got so far… I- I'm proud of you… I want to stand by your side…"
"B-but what I've done… yesterday, the way I treated you… and today… I was using you, Fluttershy!"
"Yes, I know… and I let you do that, because I was scared! I was scared of arguing, fighting… I was scared of you."
She was a monster. How could she do that to her? It was over. She–
"But I shouldn't have been! Even at your worst… you could never hurt me, Sunset. Behind your loud, abrasive threats… you were still there. I should have trusted you… I should have listened to you. I should have soothed your anger, not run away from it… I shouldn't have settled for your sweet lies, because I just left you suffering…
"Sunset, I'm so sorry… I love you."
Love.
Sunset felt loved. Even better, she was feeling in love with someone. Being able to love… could she learn how?
How to love herself…
Fluttershy somehow had found a way.
She was so… amazing. Pure. And even then…
She shone like a beacon, lighting up the right path.
She was… no, Sunset was just… being ridiculous.
How could she… after everything…
She had to be strong. Unfaltering.
Her legs were too shaky to lift her from the couch. She turned her body away, the sky was already drawn in the dark of the night.
She had to stand for herself.
She always had.
She would be fine. She was strong.
...then why wasn't she able to hide her tears anymore?
"Fluttershy… please hold me tight."
She did.
Gently.
Like a mother's lullaby.
Sleep caught them both unaware.
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Worth it. Tho i'm just glad that this story is still alive, and hopefully i'll live to see the end of it. Fingers crossed for next chapter by the end of this year at least :)
LETS GO ITS BACK BABBBBYYYY
Not at all! It was definitely worth the wait!
I'm glad this story is updated.
Thou i still have to say this. Celestia is a a total fubar when it came to Sunset, abandoning her child no matter what is no excuse.
But what really made me furious is how Twilights took one weak excuse and and went with it as it was the answer to everything.
She too much of a Sun worshipping Frantic.
hope Celestia at least sees this as well.
10765675
Yeah, LOL. But I got a bit more regular, so it shouldn't be that long (hope I'm not jinxing myself...)
10765692
10765708
Thank you guys, your enthusiasm is contagious.
10765711
That's how I see the characters... Or how I used to see them at least. I don't know what a fubar is (just looked it up, nevermind) but yeah... The confrontation Will come soon, and then I'll put the end on the fic.
10765720
I hope it's not some sappy ending bit. I"m sorry but let's be realistic I can remember what happened when sunset confronted her about it.
she looked away and kept denying it and or avoiding the truth.
And that stupid excuse Twilight gave and being so sure and happy that it make things right in the end....I wanted to slap her good for that.
Let me put this way if I said to twilight her own mother did that to her would that be alright?
10765720
I hope u make a sequel this was a really good drama story.
10765732
agreed. 100 percent
10765738
While I did plan for a sequel from the very start, I doubt I'll eventually manage the time to deliver it. Either I get that regular that I manage to write at least three chapters every week, or I life gifts me with a ton more of free time... And I already have plenty, if I had to be honest.
Anyway, if you're interested I was considering to open a discussion about my original plan on I post the last chapter... Which isn't very far.
Also, wow. I updated one hour ago and the story is in the Featured section...
Got to ask one more thing.
Will the human Celestia learn how her counter part screwed up things?
Great update!! You’re back!!
10766008
I am, and glad to be :D
10765966
That's actually a good question... While I did plan for Principal Celestia to get more involved, I never planned for her to learn about Equestria in detail. However, Shimmy (Sunset counterpart) will... At least, she does in my original draft.
Boy I feel so sorry for Sunset. Her life was a lie.
will this story [eventually] be updated
I think the way you interspersed Sunset's memories and the present works really nicely together. It really helps set the tone for the chapter, and I think that's pretty cool!