• Member Since 25th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

elmago02


A Brony from Colombia that enjoys writing and reading about ponies.

Sequels1

T
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It's Friday and the classes just finished. All of Fluttershy's friends have plans for the weekend, leaving her with no one to spend it with. Suddenly, the one person she has feelings for asks her to spend some time together. Is this just a dream? No, this is a chance life just gave her.


Sunshyne.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 46 )
Comment posted by 2D deleted Feb 25th, 2015

5665431

You don't have to bully them either. Everyone is free to write whatever they want.

Comment posted by 2D deleted Feb 25th, 2015

5665431
5665473
Hey, thanks for the advice, I'll keep it in mind.
5665447
Thank you.

5665431 Did you even bother to read the story? I don't think so.

I thought this was a pretty cute story. I do have some criticism, though. There were a few spelling/grammatical errors that you may have overlooked, but my biggest criticism on this topic is in regard to the story and chapter titles. In short, the first word should always be capitalized, and all subsequent words should be capitalized, with some exceptions (such as articles or short prepositions).

As for criticism for the story itself, I felt that the climax was too rushed and came out of nowhere. I mean, we had the scene in the cafe, Fluttershy goofed and spilled her and Sunsets milkshakes on Sunset, Fluttershy runs out feeling embarrased, and then BOOM! Sunset is hit by a truck. There was just no buildup to that event that it seemed put in just to add some unnecessary drama. Maybe that's just me, though, but I felt that scene was unneeded.

However, that aside, I still enjoyed the story overall.

5665545 You are right, I need to fix that part of the story. The thing is that I did some drastic changes to the original idea and after that, that scene got really... messed? I have to take a look at it.

5665550 I'm glad that you're taking my points into account. There is one more thing I forgot to mention about story/chapter titles. Don't punctuate, at least with periods. I've seen titles with question marks or exclamation marks, but periods are rarely, if ever, used.

5665566 Well, damn, I guess I have to fix all my previous stories.

5665592 Yeah, I looked and saw that. Sorry about that. I'm glad you took my advice with this story, though. It looks much more professional now, which should hopefully attract more readers.

Comment posted by 2D deleted Feb 25th, 2015

5665431 How dare you suggest that someone should commit suicide simply because you don't like what they wrote. You are scum and you disgust me!

5665600 I added an extra paragraph to the climax, I think its a bit better now, but I will keep thinking how to improve it.

Eldorado
Moderator

5665431 Hey now. There's no call for that kind of comment. Lighten up a bit.

5665431
You are a sad sad person...
may you live forever... in misery

Comment posted by Moka Mcdowell deleted Feb 25th, 2015

Sooooooo cute... i love it, SunShy is a fav pairing.

5667668
Then why is your icon SunDagio?

5666588 I agree. It does flow well into the climax without seeming too rushed. I noticed a few typos here and there, but overall, the addition seems to be a good one. Good on you, and thanks for being a good sport about our constructive criticism. :pinkiehappy:

5668020 I prefer people telling me where I made mistakes than those that just dislike the story without saying why. Thanks for your time!

5668036 You're very welcome. You just gained yourself a follower, my friend!

5667980
I said Sunshy is a fav, i can have more then one fav paring.
many of them just happen to be lesbian Sunset

Comment posted by 2D deleted Feb 25th, 2015

I had a cuteness overload because of the picture you used.

Then two more because of the story.
Would love to read about the aftermath of this story - maybe the sequel should focus on Sunset's recovery at Fluttershy's?

5776995 Thanks for the comment. I have been thinking of writing a sequel, maybe a bunch of short stories of their daily lives as a couple, maybe what you suggested, or something like that, still have to sort a lot of ideas for this.

5777038

I understand. Greatness takes time, as they say.
In the meantime, you've gained a follower.

And now, there is a reading

6035099 Wow, this is amazing! I can't believe there is a reading of one of my stories. :yay:

That was absolutely adorable :rainbowkiss:. My favorite part was the back and forth at the end, with Sunset embarrassing Fluttershy. In general I think you did a great job on capturing their personalities, and how they'd likely play off one another. All the actions were really spot on, everything felt organic.

Some of the dialogue felt a little weird though. You got most of it pretty good, but there were some parts that seemed either slightly out of character, or just awkwardly phrased. Like Pinkie talking about having the babies for the weekend, you used a lot of really short sentences always ending in periods, made her seem kind of bored. Pinkie is generally excited about everything and would definitely be with watching the kids, some exclamation marks would have made her seem like she was looking forward to it more.

This was a very good story to read:yay: I'm very happy to have come across this and now Sunshyne is now a fav pairing:twilightsmile:

6332338 I wish more people loved this pairing, that way there would be more stories from them.

6332488 true true. But the possibility is there. Once people start reading about Sunshyne stories the stories will keep growing and growing:yay:

This is pretty good shipping couple and story.

AWWWWW…I love them together :rainbowkiss:

Listened to the reading. Quite cute. And Rarity's bit at the end was pitch perfect. ^^

This was cute, but I feel the wreck part could have been implemented better.

Still, I enjoyed seeing this fine example of Sunshyne.

Why does the plot synopsis suddenly say "Sunshyne" all of a sudden?

7781177
Ummm, I was just making sure people know this is a Sunshyne fic. SUNset x FlutterSHY = SunShyne.

This was a beautiful store. I'm heading straight into the sequel now!:yay:

just so every one known the reading video is gone

A Chance and Six Months are really great, I've read it many times ^^.
I hope you noticed the sequel that andrizzi is doing ("Other", even if there isn't new chapters yet but as a good story, waiting is worth it), and that gives you credit too ^^.

8884369
I'm glad to hear you really like this story.
andrizzi asked me for permition to write a sequel to these stories, and he allowed me to pre-read the chapters before he uploaded them.
I do hope he writes a new chapter soon.

Adorable. Glad I read it

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