Loyalty
Pinkie stood in the graveyard. It was very cold that night, and the rough ground was beginning to hurt her hooves.
She put some cupcakes down on the mound, and sat there until she began to feel slightly numb. She stayed a while longer, until nothing hurt.
After a few minutes, she got up and turned to leave.
“Where d'you think you're going, Pinkie?”
Pinkie looked behind her.
“You're dead, Dashie.”
She wasn't very surprised.
She laughed; the cupcake disappeared from her hoof, and Pinkie noticed that the few cupcakes she had left hadn't been touched. “Of course I am, candy-head. Take a look at this.” Her hoof went through her gravestone; she wiggled it a bit and grinned. “Cool, right?”
“You're not real, Dashie. I'm seeing things. I really miss you, but you're not coming back.”
She turned back and continued walking.
“I'm sorry for going so quick, Pinkie.”
She stopped walking.
“It wasn't your fault.”
“Maybe not. But I'm the Element of Loyalty, remember?”
“Celestia took it from you. At the funeral.” She winced as she finished the sentence.
She snorted. “That shiny little thing? I'd never leave a friend in a rut, and you are in the ruttiest rut I've ever seen a pony be in.”
“What's it like, up there?”
She took a second to reply.
“Everything.”
“And you'd leave that for me?”
“‘course I would.”
“And what if you're not real? If I really am just seeing things?”
“Does that really matter?”
No, Pinkie supposed. It didn't.
Dash reached out, and took her hoof.
“C'mon. Let's get out of here and have some fun.”
“Whatever you say, Dashie!” Her voice was cheerful for the first time in days.
She began to walk towards the cemetery gates, Dash following besides her; for no particular reason, Pinkie started to hop.
The night felt a lot warmer.
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827649
Matter of interpretation. I, personally, think that Pinkie's just happy enough to ignore the cold and roughness, and that they symbolise the difficulty in getting over grief. One of my pre-readers, back when it was written more towards my own belief, still thought that Pinkie had died; as such, I made it amenable to either possibility.
827678 Okay I can see what you were gong for, it's just that typical in most literature I have read, the sudden warmth and fading of the environmental stigma implies passing rather heavily. It's not a bad thing but it does make sense honestly, I think Pinkie wasting away as well was kind of inadvertently implied before. Constant grief is not good for anyone and a prolonged death like Dash's would be very draining on those close to her.
827697
Exactly. Either way makes sense. The whole point of this little series of vignettes is to juxtapose the suffering of the dying with the grief of the bereaved. It is meant to show the value of little palliations, and to show - this is so cliché - the power of friendship. The actual power of friendship - mental, not magical. Whether Dash really did come to Pinkie, or whether Pinkie imagined Dash, or whether Pinkie is dead, or whether it's all a dream - that doesn't really matter, because in the end Pinkie is happy.
The major themes are represented; the details you can puzzle out.
827755 With that motivation in mind the series did an excellent job of portraying that, I just wanted to explain my thoughts that led to my conclusion. I did quite enjoy this series even if it is much more downcast than most stories I read, it is very well written and the characters act just as I imagine they would in this position, as well as actually feeling natural in their responses.
827788
Thank you. A critical reader is always a wonderful sight to behold.
827807 The best part to me is that this is the only story I've commented on.
Usually I just read a story and either like or close them (I rarely actually dislike something), but this story just got me in the mood to respond.
That's... a pretty good answer, actually.
A rut, according to someone much wiser than I, is a grave with the ends knocked out.
Which doesn't necessarily explain Pinkie's, um, current status, but it does mean that Dash, as pretty much always, speaks the truth.
The vignette style seems very effective here, perhaps because it allows for a brief break before the sadness inevitably returns. Well done.
*BAWL*
Damn good.
This was beautiful, and after reading "Twilight Discovers Literary Analysis," I realize you are quite good at a number of genres. Despite being sad, I really needed this to mend my mental picture of Pinkie's and Rainbow's friendship.
Ever since reading Cupcakes my head canon of RD and Pinkie's friendship had been ruined 
but now, it has been restored. Honestly I didn't even get the "Pinkie dies" bit that apparently some people think is implied, not until I read the comments. I like to think the end symbolized Pinkie coping with the loss.
...only complaint is that the story is too short, but that's sort of the point of this style, isn't it?
Ah well. I might've ended up crying for a long time if it went on too long. As it stands it made my eyes water. The ending was somehow satisfying and (due to my first interpretation) quite bittersweet. This and Twilight Discovers Literary Analysis have made me watch you so I don't forget to read everything you write. 
I cried.
1600434
I write the dialogue of people with American (and Filipino and Mexican and Liberian and so on and so forth, though I've rarely had the occasion to) accents in American spelling.
The close proximity of the spellings was meant to relay that fact, actually.
Her hand went through her gravestone
>hoof
Also, back in chapter one (and actually throughout the rest of your work that I've read), you used an em dash to punctuate a break and/or stutter in a word (“Me? I feel guh—reat!”). Dashes are used to indicate breaks in thought and speech; hyphens are used to join syllables of a word.
1601215
That's an interesting idea... but without more data points for the reader to compare and realize what's going on, it just looks like a typo.
Otherwise, your technical and emotional quality is laudable.
1937833
Fixed like Big Mac in Apple Slices.
I'm actually using the em-dash to indicate the repetition of the consonant. While I could have been more accurate with guhhh'rait, that wouldn't be recognisably English-like.
As far as possible, I prefer to reserve the hyphen for the purpose of indicating nonstandard compound words.
Thank you.
While this was meant to be a bit of a parody of Hemingway, I did attempt to make it as objectively 'good' as possible.
1938441
Interesting; I've never heard of an em dash being used in such a way. It seems like just about as opposite as you can get of the standard usage. Is that common in your locality?
1938520
I'm not entirely sure. I live in a Commonwealth country, so I must have gotten it from either a British or Indian book; probably the former, maybe the latter.
Alternatively, I might have dreamt it up, thinking 'oh hey when people trail off they lengthen the final sound, don't they?' (if we're being allowed to use em-dashes for aposiopesis) or perhaps while subconsciously imagining the Arabic abjad's šaddah, which kind of looks like an em-dash (or macron) making the :3 face.
I'm more inclined to believe the former.
Saw this on the Vault. I have no words, and that's a good thing.
I'm tempted to just make a 'feels' comment and leave, but I feel that wouldn't really be doing this story justice. Everything in it is spot on, in every way. 'Laconic' was certainly accurate, and it's a style that suits the story perfectly, especially with how much is implied and never said. Characterisation is pitch perfect despite the tone of the piece being pretty much the antithesis of that of the show. And yet, they still still to have the same theme of friendship at heart - it's just approached in a completely different way.
Beautiful, just beautiful.
Saw this on the Vault, and I'm glad I gave it a read. All of Amit's stories are of the highest caliber, but this one features a trait I wish he'd use more often: earnestness. I don't get the feeling that I'm being talked down to.
Also, bonus points for an excellent choice of a title.
Wow. That was... intense, to say the least. Never viewed it like that; but if I'm ever on my death bed, I want to die just like that (Minus the pony parts). Bravo, my good sir. Bravo.
This is the first story to ever make me cry (fanfic wise). But it doesn't really leave me sad. That's strange.
Thank you for writing it.
It's a very sad story, but leaves the reader not sad, even cheerful, at the conclusion. Reminds me of Hemingway. Good show, Sir. For the capacity of garnering emotional reaction (5/5), the briefness of the story (with nothing lost) (5/5), and the writing skill (4/5), I give Five Shattered Skulls out of Five. Bravo.
This was an amazing story. A bittersweet tale of two good friends until the very end - literally. I have shed many tears tonight while reading this story.
First, I want to say that you picked a perfect way to end chapter 7. I'm very picky when it comes to writing, but cannot think of a better way than what you did. So simple, yet so powerful. I cried for at least a minute before composing myself to read the final chapter.
As previously mentioned, I'm very picky, and was displeased in your excessive use of pronouns. I often times found myself lost among the multiple "her" and "she" that were in many paragraphs. It's okay to use proper nouns, so don't be afraid to throw them in, instead of "she" twice while referring to two different people (or in this case, ponies).
Overall, I would rate this a 4/5. It was a very powerful and emotional story, while holding great values and a bittersweet slice of live. Bravo.
i read the first chapter to this story a while ago and figured i had it in firm understanding. given my recent shameless spiritual plagiarism, however, i thought i'd do well to give the rest of the story a look.
it wasn't really what i expected.
the tone of it seems to shift to a strange, detached detailing of events. unlike Hemingway (whom you've facetiously berated for being 'overly purple' in reference to this story) who gives us a human emotion with relatively minimalist description, i felt the focus here was more on the unanswered questions. the dialogue frequently felt unrealistic to me as a result, and the drifting away from the realistically grounded interactions of the characters definitely took away any emotion i imagined might have been there. i also wasn't a fan of the ending—i don't imagine we have different approaches to ambiguous conclusions, but this one didn't accomplish anything when i read it. the grounding of the story is, in a situation so sparsely described, meant to be the emotions of the characters, and that seemed squashed in the ending most of all.
i still gave it a thumb, because i appreciate the style (not necessarily specific parts of the execution) and the premise surrounding it—i'm just not sure it did it for me the same way it seemed to for other folk.
edit: oh yeah, and that cover image bugs the hell out of me because it has an improper pronoun reference in the second sentence. the subject is clear from the context, but without referring to Dash, the last focus of narration is Pinkie, so the second sentence doesn't make sense without inference. UNLESS IT'S MEANT TO BE PURPOSEFULLY AMBIGUOUS but i don't think it is.
2898621
I remember when I originally posted this; I stuck a comedy tag on it for being too over-the-top, just like the story I intended it to descend spiritually from. I never thought I would actually make somebody cry with it, so I've achieved far more than I set out to do already.
Plus, this story's what my parents show to their contractors. If you've never explained to a giggling Filipino woman that 'the pink pie pixie' is not in fact screwing 'the rainbow dashing fairy', you haven't lived life.
First presentperfect, now you. What's the world coming to?
Unless I'm mistaken, "hereand" is not a word. Seeing as old as some of these comments are, it would make me surprised if that wasn't intentional.
I had a good time reading this. I didn't really have much of an expectation going into it, and to be honest I'm not quite sure what I got out of it, but I'm feeling pretty optimistic after. That said, the ending didn't hit me so much as an actual ending, because of the way the story's styled it makes me feel like this would continue. I feel like I went for a short run and stopped because I wanted to, not because I was fatigued or exhausted in some way because of the work that went into said run. And it was more of a jog, really. Not to say that's bad, but I suppose it's just a fallacy of great pacing. The emotions came as they were needed and didn't stick around for longer than they should have, and considering this is a dialogue-heavy story, the moments between Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash came out as fluid, believable, and simply natural.
I feel like I should read some more of your things.
I didn't feel particularly sad or happy (regarding the ending), but it was really cute.
I guess that's good enough for me.
There was something really unique in the way you chose to write these.
This is having me on the brink of tears. Well done..