• Member Since 5th Apr, 2013
  • offline last seen Apr 9th, 2020

Phoenix Warlord

A lover of Halo, Star Wars, Ponies, Fallout, and many things. Has many pony waifus. 1/2 of Warfire Writing Studios

Comments ( 23 )

Three words: I love it.

EDIT: Dude, look at the views! Happy limelight, my friends!

7166723 I know! I'm surprised it did this well so far! And glad you enjoyed the story! :twilightsmile:

7167087 Thanks, glad you enjoyed it. :twilightsmile:

Not bad but some parts felt rushed, decent story though.

I have several points of criticism for this story and for you as a writer, some of which are related to technical writing, some of which are related to content.

First, you're trying to pull off second person omniscient, which is the absolute worst thing you can do, perspective-wise. In fact, it actually is not even a thing, so the fact that you attempted it at all is rather befuddling. When you're writing in second person, you can't have things like this:

‘Fuck, this is so hot! He’s making me so wet…’ she groans, gargling happy while enjoying your cock, suppressing her gag reflexes as best as she can.

It just doesn't work unless the narrator is supposed to be telepathic. Because it's attempting to use first person omniscient (which is a really BAD narrative choice) in a second person narration format. From a writing standpoint, this is a gigantic What Not To Do.

It's also leading into the whole tell and show thing. You, as the writer, using second person narrative, cannot tell the reader what Rainbow Dash is thinking and how she's feeling. You have to show it through her dialogue and interactions with the narrator character. You have to write about nuances, facial expressions, things like that. You can't just break narrative POV to tell the reader what she thinks or how she feels, nor should you.

There are problems with your actual story, like your excessive use of the word "cum". Also, you've obviously been watching too much of the wrong kind of porn, because people screaming "Oh fuck, oh yes, oh fuck you're hot, hmm fuck!" at each other during sex? Is not sexy. It's the exact opposite of sexy. It's retarded. Lose it.

In fact, I'd actually remove every instance of the word 'fuck' from this story, or at least most of them. General rule of thumb is when you're writing porn, only use it as a verb, not as an adjective or interjection, and use it sparingly.

She curls her hands in front of her hands and gives you innocent looking eyes. “Please fill my pussy! Fuck me like a little slut and make me scream… Pweeese?”

It's at this point where most of your readers are laughing too hard to find this remotely arousing.

You look down into her eyes and then cry out and hilt deep into her pussy before shooting your hot cum into her pussy. "FUCK ME!”

This is probably in the top 20 least sexy things I've read in porn ever.

Anyway, technically--other than the second person omniscient thing--there are no problems here, so I'll at least give you props for that, but, and I say this with all due respect:

You need to learn how to write porn before you try to do it again.

Because this is just sad.

Not the best but, its decent, there is some potential here,but im no writer or critic so who am i to say how to write your story.

Erich Harttman never built a plane in his entire life. However, he would definitely have been a person that any aircraft manufacturer would like to speak with as he was the world's most successful flying ace.

You don't need to have written a story to offer advice. As long as you do so in a decent manner, most authors will be glad to hear them... except the shitty ones of course. Personally, and this is just me, I like hearing advice from the reader than an author, because a reader will usualy tell you why they didn't like it, where an author will tell you how they would have written it.

To be honest, 10 miles is nothing on a bike. Even if you aren't fit.

7168319 *sees this comment* well RIP this story.

But honestly, he's right.

7169485 I can see where they're coming at, but then again, "Everyone's a critic" right? I admit, I'm not a perfect author and don't tend on being perfect. I do the best I can on the stories I publish and, if people like it, then I will continue writing stories taking notes along the way to improve my work. Even if I were to take those notes with me and apply them to future stories, there will STILL be people who will nitpick at them and tear it apart. I would imagine some of the greatest authors in history had their critics back then (and still do today) who nitpick(ed) at their stories.

Now if the numbers of likes and dislikes were reversed, I could see where I could make MAJOR improvements. But with more people liking it than disliking it (as with most of the other stories on my page), I doubt they'd take major criticism seriously. Maybe they need a quick fix or don't care about the major details and like a pretty good story they enjoy reading.

Never could understand how gagging is supposed to be hot. If anything, it made me keep from reading further.

7170127 Hmmm I see. Some people like it, some people don't. To each their own, I assume.

7170265 I just always get the impression that those that do don't actual participate in oral sex or are sadists/masochists.

7169880 bruh, seriously? Someone tells you what's wrong with a story yet you completely ignore it because "the like/dislike ratio is good"? Really? It doesn't matter how good the ratio is, you still should take every piece of advice thrown at you. And given the points he made, and the fact that he is most definitely one of the most popular writers on the site, I think you should take what he says seriously.

This story is fine, but I agree with MythrilMoth and MrDevastation101. Nobody's story will ever be perfect, but you should take all the advice you can get so your story can be the best it can be. That's what I'm doing with my stories right now. I'm rewriting what I consider to be my best story because I believe I can make it better. And to do that, I'm taking other people's advice. My like/dislike ratio was about the same as yours, but I still think I can make the story better. I'm not saying this story is bad, but blatantly ignoring constructive criticism isn't good. No story is flawless, but you can make it the best it can be if you take people's advice.

The cover art may be appealing, but it won't mean anything if the story inside is only subpar.

And just to be safe, if you want to tell the story from both PoV's, just go with an 3rd-person omniscient PoV. That's basically what this story is, and I think it would play out better like that. And also remove the 2nd-person tag if you do this. Like MythrilMoth said, your character can't know what Rainbow Dash is thinking directly, unless he's psychic or something. Her emotions must be conveyed through her actions and facial expressions.

Take some of the constructive criticism into consideration, revise your story, and you might just see that like/dislike ratio improve

7171175 Hmm, true, maybe I jumped the gun a bit when I first read it. Now that I reread the comment, I now have a better idea of what to do for the future and make future stories better. I apologize for my reaction at the time and will take every piece of advice I get with me in the future and use them to improve on my stories.

7172912 Sorry if I came off as insulting. It just felt very out of place.

lol 1,337 total views as of the time this comment was commented i guess...

7172970 It's okay. No worries. Then again, I jumped the gun and whatnot. It's all good dude. All is forgiven. :twilightsmile:

7173030 Nearly 200 views later from that about now. Still, having that many views is awesome. Lol. :rainbowlaugh:

Eh, it was alright. Can't say that I agree with all the advice being thrown out here; this is smut, written with a moderately different purpose than most writing, and writing styles aren't inherently bad just because they don't do it for you personally. (Personally, I tend to disregard criticism if the person giving it can't even be polite.) The areas in which this needs work are the ones that can only be improved with practice, so I'm content to shrug and wait for bigger things from you.

I soon realize that before having my way with Rainbow Dash, my shorts have been down the whole time after I had the best time with her on our halftime break in public. I was most flabbergasted on how I could forget such an essential task as pulling my shorts up. No wonder I was feeling a breeze going through my legs as I pedaled the rest of that long, dastardly way to Rainbow's home. However, it felt too nice to notice when it benefits me greatly by cooling me down for the rest of the trip. Finding myself on her side now, I nudged Dash's shoulder to interrupt her from her connectivity to slumberland.

"Hey, Rainbow?" I nudged her a little more before she finally turned her body toward me, eyes half lidded from being awoken.

"What, dude?" She asked with exhaustion in her words, obviously not wanting to talk right now. I ignore this anyway; I must know the horrid truth to my question.

"Did you know my shorts were down since you sucked my dick in public?" I asked her with a questionable gaze. She looked at me for a moment before turning around to her other side, facing away from my blank visage.

"Yeah." She responded with a little chuckle after such. I focused more on the question at hand to wonder why she didn't tell me that I was publically humiliating myself through the rest of the ride.

"You couldn't tell me that it was down?"

"Nah. It was too funny. I left it so that people that drove by us can make you stand out as a guy who purposely has no public decency." She explained to me, giggling as she said it.

"You fucking slut... oh well." I said, knowing too well that it was too late to do anything about it now. I laid back down on her bed, pulling her closer to my body in a sweet caress. Going back to sleep, I thought about how this situation would play out for me. Like, if I go to the store tomorrow and someone calls me out of nowhere, saying that I became an internet sensation as "The guy that rides bikes... WITH HIS DICK OUT TO SEE!". Or a friend or family member tell me that I was on the news as "The Anonymous Future Porn Star" as to make mockery of my penis. I could look at the bright side: I just might be a premier porn star for Pornhub .com one of these days and make a lot of money, thanks to these poor articles of media and my own self awareness of other's perspectives. Yup, I think this will turn out well for you, Anon; gonna turn out guud.

Login or register to comment