Shining Armor really likes to drink coffee, a lot. He needs it especially now as he has his finals to study for. A young Twilight wants to know why he, their parents, and Cadance, her foalsitter, like coffee so much. When Cadance calls and comes over to their place for a dinner date, Twilight finds out why it is good for them and later why not good for fillies like her.
*EDIT* Forgot to mention this earlier. The artwork is from dm29 on Deviant Art and can be found here...
*EDIT 2* Co-Authored with Prince-Nightfire93
Chapters (1)
I wonder did Cadence and Luna introduce themselves?
Uhh... Luna was still banished when Twilight was a filly, also, since when does filly Twilight know what caffeine is, just say "coffee"...
Other than that, not bad.... And on that note... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! L.O. L. T. I. C. !!!!!!!
fimfiction-static.net/images/story_images/191343_r.png?1400685706
I feel you, bro. Now run.
Have you considered the fact that most fiction is written in past tense? It is difficult to read present tense.
Also, you have a continuity error, Luna is still stuck in the moon and unknown at this point in time. They can't reference her when they shouldn't know of her!
4425577 I'm not sure. For the sake of this story, let's say they did and the banishment did not happen. Did you enjoy the story though?
4425601 Oh okay, I might change that later. Also, in the case of mentioning Luna, let's say that the banishment did not happen for the sake of the story.
Thanks for the comment! Glad you liked it!
4425996 And make sure she doesn't catch up. lol.
4426582 Hmm, I didn't think of that. I'll make note of that and apply it to future stories. Thanks for the criticism though, I appreciate it.
Also, something I forgot to mention, for the sake of the story, let's say the banishment did not happen. Just because...
4425996 I love that cover art. Soooooooomeone is in trouble. Say, did oyu make that?
4427299 No, I don't make things, Which sucks. In fact, I got this avatar from a friend here on Fimfiction.
4427306 Ah, ok. Neat fact
"Magic telephone?" The Sparkle family must be really well-connected if they have technology that not even the princesses do. As long as you're giving magic a carte blanche to do anything, how about a decaffeination spell?
4428859 When I mean "magic telephone" I mean it's a regular phone that they pick up with their magic. It's a regular phone, but they pick it up with their magic.
Well, that would seem like the most logical way to cure Twilight from her caffeine high, but it wouldn't make that interesting of a story wouldn't it? At least, I don't think it would in my opinion.
I really wanted to like this story because the premise instantly became part of my head canon, but the present tense style killed it for me.
4428940 my point is that you can't give them a telephone because thy don't have telephones in Equeestria, so one of the challenges a writer faces is to get around that. For instance, if Shing knew his parents were having date night he might have invited Cadence over in advance. So, instead of calling her, he offhandedly mentions that she's coming over, and she does.
Well, it could have been worse. Imagine filly Pinkie Pie with coffe...
That cover art.
4430016 The horror
4430016 Oh, she'd be a million times worse than filly Twi on coffee!
4426653 why not just change it from Luna to Celestia since she is in control of the moon at this point it's one word
4431584 Hmmm, I might do that. I think it'd make a lot more sense that way. Thanks for the suggestion.
The hell is "expresso?" Is that what the Saddle Arabians call it?
Also, I assume you don't actually mean two shots of pure caffeine, since that would kill a polar bear.
4431856 I did a bit of Googling and espresso is coffee, but brewed in a different way. This article should help you out. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Espresso
English isn't your first language, is it?
4432155 Well, yes, it is. I'm a fluent speaker of English, rest assured.
HOW THE HELL DID ANYONE SURVIVE CAFINATED FILLY TWILIGHT! SHE WOULD EXPLODE WITH MAGICAL ENERGY, TURNING CANTERLOT INTO A BOOK FORT!
Said sixy eight. Went to hit like, gigity. Went to seventy. BAD LICK BRIAN
4432245
Dyslexic then?
4432480 Yeah... I know that feeling...
4432317 Well, would it be any worse than caffeinated and/or sugared up filly Pinkie Pie? She'd make Twilight look like a foal!
See What I Mean?
Awww cute hyperactive Twily.
That cover art needs to be properly attributed. It's by dm29 on DeviantArt:
http://dm29.deviantart.com/art/You-Don-t-Give-Coffee-to-a-Filly-348186012
th01.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2013/026/5/f/you_don_t_give_coffee_to_a_filly_by_dm29-d5rau1o.png
24.media.tumblr.com/d8efa8e598ddcfb250a814c2186c25d3/tumblr_mgjomqNZ891qzkiifo1_r1_500.gif
4434338 Oops, I meant to do that. Thanks for the reminder. I'll put that on real quick, just to be safe.
4434216 I know right? Hyperactive Twily is cutest Twily!
Warning, wall of text approaching.
That should be "espresso".
foalsitter.
You forgot a space there.
Why would he pause there?
Don't you mean "done"?
You forgot a period at the end of that sentence.
That should be "Why do they". When you refer to plurals, use "do", or "are".
I.E.
Cadance and Shining Armor are...
Do Cadance and Shining Armor...
Drop one of the "now"s.
In the kitchen.
Bouncing around what in a circle?
Is it night, or is it dusk? You should probably change it to: "It's starting to get late, it's almost dark."
Another redundant statement. Drop "in the day".
When using comparisons, use "than".
Maybe change this to "Too dangerous, she's got too many sharp objects in her room."
This will probably read easier if it was written like this:
"Shining pants as he slowly tries to catch Twilight, not believing she still has energy despite the long game of tag. 'C-Come b-back here T-Twi…'"
A little hair of the dog, huh? I would've went with a peppermint.
HA! The lingering caffeine won't let her do that.
Thanks, but I figured that out on my own.
Well, that was certainly interesting. The premise is funny, but the execution, like many have already stated, is something to be desired. It should be written in past tense. Despite this, I'll still give it a like and a fav.
4435464 Thank you for the criticism and the mistakes I didn't catch the times that I proof read the story. I did manage to make those changes to the story. Again thanks for the criticism and the pointing out the corrections I should/did make. I appreciate it!
That was funny I really liked it
4435950
No problem. Good luck on your future stories.
4436443 Thank you my friend.
so funny
and really cute too. 
4437778 Thanks for the comment and the watch! I really appreciate it!
4436428 Thanks! I appreciate it!
no problem it deserved it.
4437964 I"m glad you thought so.
4430016 Do I have to? That sounds like when they gave Hammy soda in the Over the Hedge movie. Oh no.
4440756
Or when Eddie Valiant gave whisky to Roger Rabbit.
An interesting fiction of sorts, but hard to read. Your dialogue felt really sluggish and you seemed to like using the same phrase (or similar phrases) over and over again.
Example: some variation of "vibrating from the caffeine in her system." was used repeatedly, and it really threw off your writing.
I wont really go into other gritty details, as I'm pretty sure other commenters before I have done so. By all means, not completely terrible, but not exactly good, either. Keep practicing and you'll get there, though! Have a Thumbs Up for effort. And a
Caffeinated Twilight is funny.
I'm doing a summery of this for reading class